A day in the life of Jennica

A good week!

Restructuring in office and I have hopes that the company will hire me on as full employee from being a contractor. This will help us out drastically financially especially with property taxes going up on our mortgage, medical stuffs.

Our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up and we are planning a badly needed vacation and a short trip to one of our favorite places just the two of us.

Yesterday we went did our yearly Halloween shopping (the one time out of a year where a goth can get amazing home decor). I have a couple crafting projects planed. I can’t just not make anything for Halloween!
Working on our costume theme that I can put something together for us on a budget and still be creative and awesome.

I’m so proud of my hubby for all he is doing. He fell a bit behind on his recovery activities but asked my help to make them up so he can fulfill the commitment.

We watched a good video on disclosure but it is more about daily practice of emotional vulnerability. Hubby and both became incredibly bad at this for different reasons.
We couldn’t make a safe place for each other to be emotionally vulnerable for a really long time.
“Disclosure Trumps Withholding Almost Every Time”

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=2032955150353070

I do have to say I greatly like to see @GhostWriter back.

In the other news, Chicken drama update!

Chickens are happy. They are getting along, no picking on each other. We figured out the culprit. They had mites in the coupe. Last weekend was a huge clean out and everything they need to sleep happily is done. We had a funny discussion about how much we could learn from chickens. The more uncomfortable you are the more likely you are capable of lashing out to your closest mates.

On a side note, I’m soooo tempted to decorate the chicken run for Halloween. Creepy scarecrow and all! No one will see it as the run is the back yard so it would be for my own enjoyment. May have to this and just leave it up all year round simply because I can if I want to.

 

Love the unicorn! So our 10th wedding anniversary is Nov 1st so what we decided on is a wedding skeleton (think wedding cake topper) “until death do us part” kinda theme. Should be fun and easier with not enough time. We usually start in the beginning of August.

 

Absolutely, I love the Day of the Dead it’s such a beautiful cultural holiday! Halloween is my personal Christmas, my most favorite holiday!

 

This was good week. Hubby and I watched a few videos, we had a good discussion about the covert narcissism thanks to @TryingHard2Change.

Interesting because in the beginning of our affair recovery my husband went down the rabbit hole and thought he was a narcissistic psychopath at one point. I didn’t believe he was psychopath but that he did agree he did display narcissistic tendencies/behaviors at times. I am a believer that everyone has these tendencies especially under some situations that can bring them out. Addiction being one of them.
It was really interesting watching these videos and some of the behavior points manifested at the peak of his addiction. I also believe as an SO that there were moments when I certainly could have displayed some these tendencies too.

Retro was good yesterday, definitely more glad than sad or mad. We spoke of his inventory for the timeline, if he was interested in reaching out to @GhostWriter for some additional help this and he’s open to it.

Watched another video from Bloomwork.com that seemed to be fitting for him with the timeline work.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1934112953570624

Today I hope to head to the thrift store and see about what we can find to put together for our Halloween costumes this year. I’m also wanting to get some decorations up!!!!

Now in the other news, Chicken drama update!

Chickens are definitely happy. It looks the Swiss chard we transplanted is taking to the chicken run. They are huge so the chickens can’t decimate them. The foraging seeds we picked up to plant in the run are taking to the soil well. Now we can plant them in the run but we will have to section off and rotate planting so it will have time to grow. So far our Salal we planted does seem to be looking good with the transplanting and our red huckleberry didn’t die yet, woot! It’s coming back to life.
I would love to get grass growing in the run too. I think next spring we will need to build a better coop in the run for them.

Our jersey giant just keeps cracking me up with her little personality. Such a little chatty Kathy and boy does she love her food. Chickens are night blind so now that the days are getting shorter we are getting home after dark. The have a run house (a smaller coop for shelter and nesting boxes in the run if they need it) that they will use at dusk. Our JG will come running from the house to coop, the other two we have to use a flashlight to guide them to coop and my husband has to help them into the roosting bar.
The alpha does seem like she’s grooming her to be new alpha when time comes. Those two are behaving like inseparable bff’s. Another interesting thing is our reformed bully is quite relaxed and docile towards my husband and I, it’s like she’s a completely different bird.

 

I may have to see if I get on my Kendal app!

 

I’m a couple of days late with good reasons. Ended up being a super busy day Sunday and work yesterday and today. I was reading on shame and ran across this tidbit that I agree with and close to how I always thought if shame.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.ps...irituality/201608/the-power-healthy-shame?amp

I’ll share some thoughts on it.
I grew up Irish Roman Catholic, private school to boot and sometimes even though I’m atheist and have been for over half my life I still end up feeling some catholic guilt now and again. Not so much from family members but the nuns. I can remember questioning the school and church even in grade school because of the hypocrisy I could see even at my young age. I could see the hypocrisy with morals and judgments from the doctrine.
Being raised Catholic is certainly part of who am now and it wasn’t all bad.
Why is this important because I know I learned a lot about shame growing up from the religion and the people i knew in it. Some incredibly gracious and wonderful loving people and some who preached but were not that caring and actually emotionally/physically abusive. both sides of Catholic coin. I could see those not so caring people suffering from some levels of toxic shame. A few who were not only self abusing but those around them and my sister and I fell victim to it a few times growing up.

I think it’s one reason why I never really let myself fall into toxic shame. Even though I would feel shame and guilt I had always tried my best to learn from it, find that balance. The shame helped keep me from acting on it. I was never afraid of damnation, the devil or anything but I never wanted to be the source of hurt for anyone.

So I do my best to think about my actions and behaviors before I would act. I was not always successful and there were times where I felt the shame, guilt and regret after.

One thing I know I took away from my childhood was “do unto others as they would do unto you”. This had always made sense to me and I still try my best to follow it now as an adult.

In the other news, Chicken Drama Update!

Chickens are only out of the coop about every other day. The cold rainy weather is not their favorite. We don’t want them cooped up. But they are doing good. BB is certainly a hungry bird. All she thinks about is food. She had to eat for 15 minutes before roosting. The other two have to be helped into the roost if we get home to late. That are night blind and have been having difficulty getting to the roosting bar when it’s to dark.

Thankfully no more bully hen behavior. All three are happy and structured as can be!

The Cat on the other hand has taken to howling in the middle of the night for some reason and the puppy has been sleeping on my pile of shoes.

 

It’s been a couple of weeks.

Work, Halloween, birthdays. Hubby’s dad has had an injury and is doing much better now. But it’s been a crazy couple of weeks.

Hubby and I are on Vacation this week for our 10th wedding anniversary, half stay-cation and half going to one of our favorite places for a few days. Hoping crossing the border in our costumes isn’t going to be a problem, not going to ware the face makeup for that but it will be easier to ware the costumes rather than pack them and quite fun I think too.

Halloween costumes are epic and appropriate this year. We had costume night going out Saturday with some friends to our favorite dance club (I did have a couple minor costume malfunctions, but fixed for out on the town tomorrow). Our friends are awesome, found us a little gift and brought cupcakes to club. It was perfect!

I was sitting there at the club and feeling so appreciative. For a long time (all our anniversary’s really, from our first even) it had felt our marriage and the reminder of our anniversary would leave me feeling that it was hallow, our marriage didn’t actually mean anything. It would put me in funk and while I tried to think of our anniversary like you want to feel about. I could only really put on face and do my best ignore what I was feeling. We would have a dinner, and such and it really just felt like we were going through the motions.
I wanted to feel that it had meant something real for so long and there was always something in the peripheral diminishing about our anniversary for me.

But not this time!
I truly could feel happy and content. The appreciation that we could have such a milestone anniversary after everything, that he (and I) has made/making the changes to have been sitting there celebrating with each other and friends. It felt good and genuine. Our 10th is the first anniversary for me that feels whole and not just half pretending. There was no underlying feelings of sadness, no undercurrent of feeling alone or ignored sitting there together but feeling invisible. No feeling/thoughts of “is he regretting we ever got married”.
This feels incredibly good and human. I don’t remember the last time a truly felt this way about us but I’m happy it is here now. I’m feling the progress, love and connecting. Being happy just being together, this is what it should feel like and I’m glad it’s finally here for us.

In the other news, Chicken Drama Update!

No drama but one really goofy looking chicken who is loosing her feathers to grow in her winter down. It’s super cute with the way she looks and her little chirps. The other still sounds angry but she is back to her sweet old self.

The chickens seem happy with their little run house. If we get home a little to late after dusk they just want to stay the night in there. I think after this winter we need to get their coop and run situated so they are attached and predator safe.

 

I’m a bit late on my journal. My post will be short due to the fact I just tried to cut my finger off. Sounds dramatic but it hurts like hell, just below the middle of my finger. Makes thinking and texting a bit difficult. Things are well out side of this little painful misshap. Retro’s are good, had a really good one yesterday. We talked about a dream I had the the night before that left me waking up in kinda a funk.

Our Anniversary was amazing. We felt soo connected and just enjoyed being together. We felt like celebrities in our costumes. Had so many stop us to take pictures with us. We unofficial won a costume contest. Small prize but it was nice!

After so much beer tasting I basically confirmed I had an ulcer the next morning (our actual Anniversary day). Spent most of it in bed until the evening for dinner. Hubby was fantastic napped and relaxed until our dressy dinner reservation. we still enjoyed our anniversary just being.
Spent the following day shopping and having some amazing meals (what I could eat anyway) even though my appetite was still suffering some and sensitive. I didn’t have anymore alcohol. Stuck with awesome tea that was plentiful in BC.

Coming home was good too! We spent some time with hubby’s family having dinner and visiting his dad in the hospital.

Go figure while our medical coverage is in the process of changing over that kinda complicates what coverage and plan all this fun stuff is happening. I’ll be fine though. Taking the necessary steps to handle the ulcer and now my finger until I can see a doc. Just funny how these things work out.

 

Retrospective over the last week, what you are mad, sad, glad about!
My husband and I have been doing this from the start.

 

Never did fanos, retro works well for us. Hubby is big on retrospective. NF4L is really good at explaining it.

 

The other side of it is start-stop-keep. Start;something new, or even restarting something.
Stop; What doesn’t work
Keep; what does work
You go over this every week after the retrospective.

 

Thanksgiving was good, I was able to see my Dad, I miss seeing him as much as we used to. I missed having my husband’s family this year but is situationally understandable. Either way it was a good day, food was amazing and so happy to have some friends with us.

My mother came early to help out so I had asked my hubby if we could open up and talk with her about PA/SA. I’m also very close to my mother (she knew everything about the infidelity but nothing about PA/SA). I am thankful he was open to talking about it with her. She is incredibly supportive of us. She and hubby became a little tearful (good tears) and I am relieved that I (us, he and I) can have conversations with her about this now. This means the world to me!

On another note I think I have been reading to much in some other forums. I am a very vivid dreamer (sometimes lucid). I have been having dreams that I know is NF induced. Last night I had a dream that I was made into a trany. I didn’t want a penis or sacks but they were insistent about it. It sounds funny but I’m beginning to think I know much more from the other forums then I really need to. This theme wasn’t anything my hubby was into so I know it’s just reading to much. The dream did leave me feeling uncomfortable.

In the other news, Chicken Drama Update!

Chicks are good. They are now growing in their new feathers and don’t look so goofy with their random bald spots. Our Jersey Giant gave up a huge double egg. I’m in disbelief that thing came out of here it’s bigger than a duck egg.

Puppy and kitty are really good. Hubby and I went Black Friday shopping (late after the crowds) and somehow picked up a bunch of outfits for our little dog. She does gets super cold in the winter so she does ware sweaters and jackets. But we went a little overboard I think.

 

It’s been working well for us both independently and jointly.

I have been told the CDU is something to look forward to by others so I try to keep in there.