90+ days free. I can see colours again.

Dear Nofappers,
I'd like to say "hello" to all and every single one of You. Let me share my words with You.

WHERE WAS I

My story is typical. I watched porn for the first time when I was 10 or 11. Since then, pornography has accompanied me for 16 (yes, sixteen) years. I don't wanna go deeply into details. You all know how it is. I've been struggling for years. I had couple of decent streaks but every time addiction found a way to confuse my spirit, mind and body.

WHERE AM I NOW

This year I'll be 28. The last three months were different. I've made it. I was able to start process of real change. For good. I feel it deeply inside. Moment is decisive. If you go through it You'll never come back to darkness. You know how brightness looks and feels like now. There is no way back.

STORY OF THE LAST RELAPSE

Last time I relapsed in December 2016, seven days before Christmas Eve. I sniffed some drugs night before and went to a techno party. I relapsed in the morning. It hurt badly because I had long streak until then. It was my final fall and the beginning of my success story.

Yes, I met a girl at that party. She texted me just after my relapse. Then I realized, with the strongest intensity I ever experienced, what the fuck I just did. In one moment I understood what impact this addiction had on me. I realized how I constantly missed my chances. My thought was: "You have to do everything contrariwise this time, don't run away but step into real life once again".

SUCCESS STORY

We have the most amazing relationship now. I told her my story and allowed her to reject me, but it didn't happen. In the beginning, I wasn't the best lover and guess what? She didn't break up with me because of my "little bed experience". What's more, she waited for my readiness to do "it".

(And guys, trust me, relationships are not only about sex. Yes, It's beautiful, yes it's very important, yes girls love it, but I'm sure You too gonna realize that the closest relationships are much more complex.)

I've fought against all my worst fears and nightmares. At the same time I've allowed my heart to feel and my eyes to cry. I was the most honest guy I could be. I dropped my masks of cynicism, posturing and showing off. I let myself be who I really was. That's the trick.

Through all these years I've played a role. Role of a guy who was strong and role of a guy You cannot hurt. A guy who was too brilliant to allow anybody to get closer to him. A guy who hid a sticky, dark secret and who molded his masks from it.

IT'S ALL ABOUT YOUR WILL

Don't mess it with a willpower to fight against porn addiction. It's about Your will to open Your heart, to drop Your masks of self-destruction, to show Your sensitivity and allow Yourself to being vulnerable. The will to be the way You really are. Especially If You feel weak.

Now I feel alive, finally. When I think about these last three months I don't even remember a single moment when I was even close to watch porn. I dedicated my time completely to immerse into this relationship. You have to do the same. It can be anything. Anything from Your dream shelf. And be sincere with Yourself.

Dawid from Poland

PS. Sorry for possible errors.

 

I thought I wouldn't have problems in this field but yes, I had it. In the begininng of the relationship I still had many mixed feelings and dirty desires inside. Many of them were related to my porn past. At the same time I had difficulties with "getting up". It was quite frustrating. We decided to wait a bit when I would be ready. And our patience paid off. One night "it" came very naturally. I didn't think much about how I would perform. We just did it. Since then, we have sex on regular basis and every time is more intense and immersive than the previous one. I suppose, I had to release my true feelings for her from within and be also sure that we gained mutual trust to each other. Before this moment I treated sex too mechanically and It was probablly a side effect of watching porn for a long time. So, yes, my PIED is cured

 

To be honest I lost count of days couple of weeks ago. I had to check how many days passed before posting this. I don't focus on days anymore. I have new activities and responsibilities that fill my days since the early morning to the dark night. I'm aware of my occasional porn urges, but all of things I've experienced and learned during my journey created some kind of impassable firewall within me. Before, it was like a vicious cycle. The only way to escape from it, was to do something differently and boldly. I have to admit, that I still have days of malaise and anxiety too, but my recent realization and general awarness help to go through them. Plans for future? Definitively spiritual growth, rearrangament of my career and developing hobbies. Every day something fresh appears on the horizon so I prefer get to know new things than focusing on unchangeable old (sometimes it's hard, I know, but we all have to keep doing it).