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90 days and what I learned

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Warren_Beatty, Sep 28, 2016.

  1. Warren_Beatty

    Warren_Beatty Fapstronaut

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    Honestly guys Im blown away by the responses. Thanks. I wish there was more I could do to help, thats my only regret about all of this. I wish you all the best, just keep getting back up and going again. Les Brown has a saying.........It aint over until I win. And if this is your philosophy you cant fail.
     
    badeae1 and vibemaker like this.
  2. Chiseled17

    Chiseled17 New Fapstronaut

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    Im about to be a week in and this pushed me to try and finish the 90 days. Thank you.
     
  3. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Actually, there is a great deal you can do to help. If you can make the time, being a successful rebooter that stays around to advise and mentor others is invaluable. Please consider this as a role you could fill, because you would be a natural. :)
     
    Warren_Beatty likes this.
  4. Warren_Beatty

    Warren_Beatty Fapstronaut

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    Of course, Id be honoured to help others if i can.
     
  5. Warren_Beatty

    Warren_Beatty Fapstronaut

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    Hi Just wanted to give and update on how things have been...........Between my first 90 days and now some things have happened that I reckon are worth mentioning, just in case anyone is going through the same stuff and might not be aware of what the hell is going on with them.

    The more days passed the more I started to become aware of my own ways of acting out and distracting myself. Like a lot of phone checking. Checking messages or the interweb for stuff that was completely irrelevant but at the time was just a way to not tune in and be present. And even instagram or facebook where things I realised I used to not face up to.......I dunno, reality and how I really felt I guess. So when I realised all of this something started to happen, I just started to do it less but when I did something else happened: I started to feel terrible. Like I'd be walking along and all of a sudden be filled with a feeling of fear, hoplessness, despair, dread and sadness. It was scary and my first reaction was to escape, get away into PMO, facebook, instagram, distractions, other people, whatever. And it was at this point that I could clearly see the origins of PMO addiction. Like it was a way to get away from how I felt because how I really felt when all the distractions were stripped away was terrified. It felt like death. And when I realised this I started to read up about what might be happening to me and I found some stuff that really resonated with me at a deep level. Like abandonment. My childhood was dysfunctional and I had lots of abandonment experiences growing up, even though my parents didnt set out to do that, its what happened. And those feelings of abandonment stayed with me, even though I was a grown up. But there were there buried beneath a layer of PMO and other things people commonly use to protect themselves from facing up.
    And here it was, finally I was at the very core of what drove it all. And honestly it was terrifying, its how I reckon I felt as that kid. But I let it happen, Id sit there in a quiet place and just let all that grief come out. This went on for hours at a time, then again later that day. It was painful and at times it felt like I was gonna b stuck in this forever. In fact there was a part of me that would really believe that. But all along I also knew in my heart that it would pass and it was something I absolutely needed to do in order to be finally free and whole. So I let it happen and the more I did the more I started to stop distracting myself with anything, the more solid I felt, the less afraid, the more calm.
    So if you are in the middle of this and you are experiencing funny things like feeling lost, alone, disconnected, like nothing matters, or you're filled with despair and fear........dont worry, this Is part of the process. If you want to get technical and put a name on it, You can call it Post acute withdrawal symptoms(PAWS). Yes its a funny acronym for something thats not funny in any way. It will last as long as it lasts, so myh advice is to to allow it to play itself out. Dont judge whats happening to you. This is probably the most important part. I found that when I freaked out and judged how I felt and what was happening it made things 100 times worse. Its like putting a label on yourself and then that label drags you down a dark hole. Let whatever happens happen without labeling it good or bad, just let it be and accept it as part of the process. Surrender basically.
    Anyway I feel pretty fucking awesome, not since I was a kid have i felt so free and alive. The urge to look at porn and masturbate and all of that stuff is completely gone. Even the thoughts of doing it are nothing, I dont want to. And this feeling is not flat lining or anything like that because I have my sexual feelings and natural urges there. But its like they have been disentangled from porn and things un-natural. The urge to distract myself is gone aswell, I feel like Im actually living in the present and all that this entails. I read somewhere that in order to get to heaven you have to pass through hell and I really get this now.
    So anyway keep the faith, dont despair and if you do let yourself despair. Let all of it happen. It might be scary, in fact it probably will, but on the other side is real freedom.
     
    Jordi1872, Janek85, Luka and 6 others like this.
  6. BruceD

    BruceD Fapstronaut
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    Great handle by the way. I relate with the lonely, "who really cares if I am doing this?" feeling. I fell off a bit this weekend but am back at it. Did not give in to a binge. Had 15 days before, so all is not lost. Appreciate the post, I am noticing a flatline starting this morning, but I will just observe it and try to make friends with it.
     
    Warren_Beatty likes this.
  7. badeae1

    badeae1 Fapstronaut

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    I loved your part about not judging. I've learned through the years to let thoughts pass and not judge them, because they are merely thoughts. If you give them more energy then, they will have a stronger hold on you. You are feeding the monster or wrong wolf per say.


    Stay clean
     
    Warren_Beatty likes this.
  8. aloneonarope

    aloneonarope Fapstronaut

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    Good Job man! Thanks for the post which includes a lot of useful tips! Keep pushing!
     
    Warren_Beatty likes this.
  9. Great post with valuable insight to a lot of what I've been dealing with throughout the months. I'm currently at 143 days and the momentum is steady and strong. Matter of fact today marks the longest I've gone since my first relapse! Very proud to say so. I believe you are correct about passing through hell to get to heaven. Keep the faith, stay focused and vigilant and I believe with time, it will all be better.
     
    Warren_Beatty and Sailor93 like this.
  10. AliWantsOut

    AliWantsOut Fapstronaut

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    Wow, this really shed some light for me, I've always been below 3 day and this might just be what will change me.
    Thanks for the post. :)
     
    Warren_Beatty likes this.
  11. planforamiracle

    planforamiracle New Fapstronaut

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    Post is spot on man. Sounds like you've had some significant spiritual growth. Imho it's some kind of spiritual poverty in the first place that fuels our need to be constantly distracted. The cure for pain is in the pain
     
    Warren_Beatty likes this.
  12. Warren_Beatty

    Warren_Beatty Fapstronaut

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    I reckon this is true. I think I'd substitute spiritual wound for spiritual poverty, but its the same thing. I get the feeling that whatever it was it was passed to me from my parents and from their parents to them and so on, and nobody realised they were passing it along. Like Celestial amnesia or something like that. When I was in the middle of it, it just felt big, like way bigger than anyone gives this shit credit for being. I think the origins of PMO run very deep.
     
  13. Warren_Beatty

    Warren_Beatty Fapstronaut

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    Man look Im not gonna claim to be an expert on this stuff but what I do know is that the harder it is to crack and the more you try to distract yourself, the deeper the whole thing runs. Kind of like an ice berg, where under the water line is way deeper than whats above. Anyway keep on trucking bro, you'll get there if you never give up trying.
     
    AliWantsOut and peraaclom like this.

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