I have about 2 hours to type my story before my girlfriends gets home from work. we have been together for about 1.5 years now. The longest relatonship i have ever had. I love her. This relationship is to stay. But if i want this relationship to stay i need to change myself. I have not been a good boyfriend. Our sex live becomes less and less. And she reminds me of it several times a week. For some reason i just dont get aroused to have sex anymore. It gets more difficult to get in the mood. But when im alone i do get aroused and masterbate. Mostly while watching regular or gay porn. Now dont get me wrong. Im not gay nor bisexual, it will all get more clear later in my story. The reason for doing this now is because we didn't have sex for over a week. And today again i masterbated. I feel guilty because if i just had hold out for a couple of hours i could have sex and make my girlfriend happy. I have had a journal before, and got to a couple months a few times. But then i started focus more on my drug addiction and fixed that first. Now a couple years later i am ready to start again. And now i will tell my whole story. I wont leave out the embaressing stuff anymore. If i want to heal, i need to be open to my internet friends. I fear that i do not a have a normal sexual apitite. It started showing first when i had the age of 6-10. I started having my first sexual experiences. It happend with my neighbour boy, playing mates and my brother. I remember having my first experience with the neighbourboy at age around 5 to 6 a couple years before i discovered porn. It wasn't hardcore sex. It was more like playing doctor. We would play games like running in the forest naked, climbing trees naked or touching stuff with our penis. We also touched licked and sucked. I remember feeling this sexual rush. This continued for a couple of years. Also i started doing this with a couple more playing mates. If i remember right it were 4 or 5 others before i had the age of 10. I also started doing this with my brother who is about 4 years older. This was the first time where it became more like real sex. Cumming got involed and we looked at porn together. This with my brother happend somehere between the age of 8 and 14. This was also where i was getting less comfortable for me and i started doing it with more dislike and it i was more unwilling. But still i had that sexual rush and continued doing it. I had alot of fun out of it. But what i really wanted was a girl. While i was having sex with boys it was girls that i really wanted. All true this time i had crushes on girls and fantasysed about having sex with those girls. Also from about the age of 8 i started watching porn. I loved straight porn and couldn't wait to lose my straight virginity. Such a shame that that only happend when i was 19. Losing my virginity at that age really had a big toll on my emotional well being. I felt bad about myself. Thought i wasn't worthy of love. I could not talk to girls and girls only made me scared. Every time i would talk to a girl i would stress myself out so much i wouldn't be able to have a normal conversation without picturing everything around. Does she like me? Do i like her? How can i have her to have sex with me? Am i doing everything allright? Maybe i should kiss her? Why am i not doing anything? Am i doing it ok? These questions would run my head crazy and the girls would always see the scaredness and fear. It never got to something where i could have a relationship. I felt bad and started slipping in depression. I felt ugly and started trying to look for stuff to blaim it on. And i succeeded in that very well. I have these dark circles around my eyes and started thinking. How can a girl like me if i look like that. It's so ugly. How can someone love someone who is that ugly? Also i thoughed i had a really small penis, and i was afraid of showing it to a girl. I really though that if i would whip it out they would start laughing. With that mingset i was going in a downward spiral to depression. But then i had a break. At the age of 19 I met this girl (M) on the internet that i had been videochatting with. She was cute and seemed to like me. We met and had sex pretty much straight away. The sex wasn't that interesting. It was more the feeling of relief that i loved about it. While having the sex all the feeling of faillure just falls away for a little bit. It finally happend, im not a virgin anymore. I was wearing a condom and she was so wet that i barely felt anything. She didn't stay over. After that we had a relationship. I still lived with my parents so we would see each other every weekend. In the beginning the sex was nice and interesting. I had a whole week to reload and wathed porn less because i had real sex. It was just not to much sex to keep me interested in the beginning. But after a couple of months i noticed the drive to have sex became less. Ad i noticed it starting taking toll on our relationship. I would have to say no from time to time. After about a year i lost M to another guy she fell in love with. After that till i met my now girlfriend years later i have had a weird obsession about her. I looked alot at het pictures, our self ade porn, her facebook, dropbox and i even read thrue her mail. I couldn't stop wanting her. It drove me crazy. During the breakup i met another girl (L). She was new and refreshing. She wasnt as crazy and anoying as my ex girlfriend. We had went out and had sex a couple times before she dissapeared and stopped talking to me. Then after L i had not had sex for about 4-5 years. In this years my depression really kicked in. Also not being able to meet and talk with girls anymore i started thinking i was gay maybe. I started looking at gay porn. And meeting up with men to have sex with. After cumming to gayporn i always felt disqusting. But i would get a better sexual rush out of it then straight porn. I think i met about 10 guys to have sex with over the internet. Not a single time i was enjoying it. I just came and tried to get out of there as soon as possible. I started living with friends. Living with them came with doing a lot of drugs. Alot of drugs. And if your doing drugs when your not feeling good about yourself. You slip into a deep deep depression. I did everything. Weed everyday. Coke and XTC every other day. And many many other drugs. My eyes where black all around and i looked like a big junky. My cheeks where caved in and had this sad almost wanting to cry look in my eyes. I remember the feeling of horror and just wanting to cry when i looked in the mirror. A feeling i never like to remember. I started thinking about suicde on a daily basis. Thank god i never had the guts to really do it. At some point i realised if i didn't do something i would end up asking for money on the streets or something. I realised i had to flee somewhere and i decided to move back in with my parents. Away from a my drugsfriends and i barely ever saw them again. But when i did i would still do drugs. It took a couple months of rehab before i finally got the grip on it. And i actualy stopped using. As of the writing of today i am a little over 1 year completely clean. And not planing of using anytime soon. For me a great accomplisment that i am really proud of. Just writing it like this makes it feel like it was just over in a heartbeat. But this has had a huge affect on me. It was years and years of suffering. It really changed me to the person i am today. During this period of drug addiction i got addicted to gay porn and gay sex. Even though it diqusted me it gave me a sexual rush i could not get anywhere else. Because of my sexual past with playmates and my not being able to talk with girls the gay thing was the only sexual thing i had for years. If i could not get with girls this was the easiest thing that was reachable. I hated it, but it was the only this i could do to get off. I was and still am deeply ashamed of it. As i know now for sure that i am not gay. I like girls. i feel attraction to only girls. I want to be and cuddle with only girls. But the way i see it now from time to time i just want to suck a dick. And get sucked by a guy. Because that gives me that rush that i cant get with a girl. Once i do that i feel sick and disqusting again. I never got rid of the porn and sex addiction. That is why i am here. Every couple weeks i feel this rush coming up. And the only way i can stop it is if i watch gay porn. Every couple months i get this rush coming up. And the only way to stop is is to have sex with a guy. Only to feel Sick and disqusting after again. I started going to the darkroom about 3 years ago. Since the first time i went about 7-8 times now. Also during the time i am with my girlfriend now. I feel guilty and ashamed. I do not want this. I need to fix myself. Now i am the age of 26. I have a beautifull girlfriend who i love very much. And want to be with for the rest of my live. We have been together for almost 2 years. We moved in together and everything is good. She is a homofobe and i need to keep my past a secret to her. And i can't stop gayporn, masterbating and having sex with guys. I get less and less in the mood of sex. I really want to fuck her. But i dont get in the mood. I really want to screw her brains out and make her enjoy it. But i just dont feel like it. She reminds me a couple times a week with the question why we dont fuck anymore. All i do is ignore it or say i dont know. If i dont start fucking her good on a daily basis again i will lose her. I Hope masterbating is the problem. I dont do it often. Maybe once a week. But to know for sure if thats it i need to completly stop. I need to do this for the relationship. And now i will stop this. This is the day it is done. I will be a good lover and be faithful. I will say no to the rush. I am sorry for my english, and i am sorry if some readers might find some parts offensive. But this is my story and i wanted to share. I needed to share this.