90 day PMO or edging

I have done PMO for 90 to 120 day periods before and I think I can say that porn at least is not a habit for me. Masturbation is a bigger problem but I can deal with it albeit with more difficulty.

The one thing I have never been able to successfully complete over this period is edging. I can control it but it happens subconsciously, reflected in the movies I choose to watch, the news I choose to read, the videos I watch on YouTube.

So I started yesterday and I am already fighting the urge to edge. To click on any one of the YouTube videos that are laid out so tantalizingly in my feed. My fingers drift down before I remember to pull them back. I came here to start this thread to give me something to do. Plus committing this to writing makes it easier to resist.

I will post as I go and try to chronicle my journey better than I did in my last attempts. Everybody is welcome to comment but please note, I don't think masturbation or even porn is the work of the devil. I don't really have strong religious convictions about either. PMO is neither evil nor good, but the results of our PMO actions can produce good or evil consequences to oneself. That's what I believe. This is my personal journey to take back control of a very important part of my life that has been affected by those consequences.

 

Thanks, Matt. I have kept myself busy today, cooking and cleaning. Hopefully I am tired enough to just doze off.

 

When I say edging, I mean choosing to watch movies or read things or imagine fantasies while asleep. But no, I never fapped to any of these. I'd get aroused but I never gave in to the urge. So yes, I have completed 90-120 days without P or M or O.
What I want to do is stop even that completely. Sorry if I got the definition of edging wrong.

 

Hi Mattew, I suppose it's not the conventional definition of edging. But this is what causes me to break my streak everytime. I always think it's not PMO, I am not fapping so all good. But it builds and builds over time. I start fantasizing before I sleep, when I am sitting somewhere and it starts colouring the way I look at women. Eventually, I break and fap off, rendering the whole exercise pointless. So for this streak, that's off the menu as well.

 

6 days down, 2 of which were spent alone in a hotel room with a very comfy bed and a big tub. All of which normally serve as triggers but I resisted the urge and just read a book and slept. Feeling good about myself as I approach the weekend. No PMO and no edging in any form whatsoever. I can do this.

 

Thanks mate.

 

10 days now and what do I have to show for it? Morning wood is definitely better though still not sustained. Less time wasting. A feeling of mental wellbeing. PMO and the 'edging' always left me feeling either empty or ashamed. Like a weight. Not sure how much of it is indoctrinated guilt though. Part of it was undoubtedly that even when it didn't involve P, my masturbation sessions were to some extent prostituting the women I fantasized about. Colleagues and friends which was slowly and inexorably changing the way I looked at them.

One thing I have realized is that PMO was like scratching a itch. A good scratch and I could forget about it for a while. I realize that this was potentially bleeding into conventional sex, making it an annoying itch to be scratched rather than something wholesome to experience. And since scratching the itch using PMO was easier than the effort involved in having sex, PMO became a more preferred option.

The worst problem I see after reading other people's blogs is how much guilt and social pressure is associated with sex. It seems to cut across societies. In the past, women were regarding as asexual beings who could not admit to enjoying sex without being accused of whoredom. The traces of that still linger in every society touched by Victorian mores. Now, every magazine browbeats us into the idea that everybody should be having sex all the time in more positions than a yoga teacher could manage. The result of these two influences is a halfway house stew where women are expected to be sexual creatures but only within rigid socially approved parameters. And anybody outside these parameters fall into either camp Slut or camp Frigid. There is no allowance for individual sexual agency.

All of this affects us as men as well. Where women were supposedly asexual, men were oversexed. The former is no longer believed, yet men are still expected to always be up sex. Emotions, work issues, mental worries do not affect our sexual appetites and we can keep going all night as long as there is a willing woman. Trying to live up to that false ideal is a one way ticket to performance anxiety, premature ejaculation and eventually, PIED.

This is the gap that porn has filled. Men are turning to porn because they find it easier to release themselves than face the fear of disappointing themselves and their potential lovers. Women are turning to porn because it grants them greater control over their sexual agency and desire. Both sides are afraid of not living up to the ideals of either sexual chastity or sexual enlightenment, depending upon the society you live in. Porn presents itself as an easy, hassle-free solution in both cases. It is simplistic to look back at the days before porn and say that such problems did not exist but it would not be true. Firstly, we have very little data because people, especially women were hardly open about sex and secondly, the expectation of Kamasutra pornstar sex was not the media cudgel it has become now.

So yes, porn is a problem but until we solve the greater problem which is that people need the space to be able to be more open about the variety and extent of their sexual interests; and that men and women need to look beyond the stereotypes that characterize both sexes, porn is not going anywhere.

I am sure that I will get blowback for this so if I have offended anybody, I do apologize. It's probably not the most cogent of arguments. Constructive criticism is welcomed.

 

12 days down, just keeping myself busy. Work has been stressful and I can feel the urge uncoil like a snake in me. That gentle temptation to just give in, it's not a big deal. Writing this makes me feel better. Hope to catch up on some sleep over the weekend as I am always more vulnerable to the urges when I have had less sleep.

 

Still fighting. I never realized just how much I had come to rely on edging to put me to sleep, a siren song to lull me into unrealistic fantasies as bad as any porn video. Now that I no longer edge, my mind regurgitates clips of various porn videos in my mind; an addict grasping desperately for a snort, a pipe, a needle or just anything to fill the gap.
One result of this is that I now spend too much time aimlessly browsing the internet. Reading news articles I have no interest in, following celebrity gossip for any hint of salacious material. I usually realize what I am doing with the latter but throttling it means I spend more time doing the former, a prisoner roaming free but always edging back to the old familiar prison wall because the cell was familiar and therefore comforting.
I have started keeping a diary from today of what I do with my time. Maybe seeing how much time I am wasting will encourage me to fill it with something productive.

 

20 days and I am feeling pretty good about my progress. A few difficult days but I got through them. Looking forward to the 30 day mark.

 

23 day and I think I am hitting flatline. No desire, no feeling, just...nothing. I can feel the urge to test the equipment just to assure myself that I have not suddenly turned into an asexual being. I know this is my brain trying to get it's fix but it feels too bloody real. Like I'll never enjoy any form of physical intimacy again. I just have to power through it.

 

Still here, still hanging in there. The feeling of nothingness persists. I feel grey, washed out. None of the prophesized superpowers have manifested so far. My morning wood is a bit stronger but not significantly so. I don't feel much desire and I still feel tired although that might just be due to the stressful nature of my work.

I do feel far less guilty though so I suppose that counts for something. Maybe I just need to sleep more.

 

I am officially in flatline and it's every bit as bad as they say. I came close to breaking on the edging and flashes of porn keep going off in my head like strobe lights when I am not busy. The porn is easy to control, the edging not so much. But I made it through the weekend and I have a busy work week ahead to keep me occupied.

 

Feeling good today. Still in flatline but not as bad. I have decided to work on my sleeping patterns which have been disrupted by too many late nights and dark rooms. If I can fix that feeling of constant listlessness and tiredness, it makes it easier to cope with the flatline and get my life back on track in general.