75 Days - A Reflection

I don't mean to go into my entire back story (now); that is everything that has lead me to this moment. I am merely writing to give some insight to those of you who are struggling as I did for years to get even a week of sobriety.

I also want to preface that 75 days is the most time I have ever gotten. I certainly have a long way to go until I can give some real insight. That said, unless you're bored, this may not be for you if you have 75+ days yourselves.

The only back story I will give right now is that my addiction to PMO has been rapidly progressing since I figured out how to masturbate (probably around 10). Luckily internet porn as we know it now didn't exist until I was around 16. I can't imagine what it would be like to use a tablet as a kid when I was hiding a porno mag in the bathroom. The idea of kids having that much access now scares me.

Anyways, fast forward to the last year or so. Porn completely took over my life. Nothing mattered anymore; not my job, family, or gf. I lost thousands of dollars on premium porn subscriptions, and sex toys. The scariest part about that is that it was never enough.

I spent the entirety of 2018 seriously trying to quit porn. My longest streaks were 3 weeks, 32 days, and finally 41 days. Relapsing on the 41 day streak felt like a nightmare come true.

The best advice I can give to those of you who are struggling over and over again is that every streak counts! Even though I felt like garbage every time I relapsed in the end, the intervals between were getting shorter and shorter. I became more clear minded and wanted it more. I also learned what traps not to fall into, and what things to do that help.

The first thing I learned through my failures before my current streak is that will power is not enough. I'll say it again, will power is not enough. I consider will power to be emergency fuel. That is when all other safeguards fail, will power can pull you through.

What do I mean by safeguards? I'm talking about laying a good foundation for your sobriety to be successful. Coming to this website is a good first step, but I highly recommend to keep in touch with someone in real life as well if you can about your progress. One of the aspects of addiction that kills us all is living a double life. Secrets eat away at you, and just make you wanna act out more.

Other safeguards include living a healthier life and taking care of yourself. For me, meditating with the Headspace app daily helped greatly. Walking at least once a day has stopped me from relapsing several times. Eating better food, and not over eating helped greatly. I had a bit of co-addiction with food. Co-addictions are dangerous, overeating triggered my mind into wanting to watch porn and masturbate.

Finally, I even felt it necessary to eliminate coffee from my diet. I replaced it with green tea. Coffee fed both of my addictions, and stimulants can be dangerous for sex addicts in general.

The second thing I learned is to do whatever us necessary get sober. I've had a computer since I was a kid. As an adult my computer was everything to me; YouTube, Netflix, video games, music, and of course porn. Unfortunately, I developed a very unhealthy relationship with pcs because of porn. As soon as I turned it on and sat at my PC, I was ready to PMO.

I am also very tech savvy, so I was able to get through and undo all porn blocking software I put on it. I finally realized after one of my final relapses, that I needed to get rid of my pc. So I sold it. I was that willing to quit PMO, that I got rid of what was once a huge part of my identity.
My gf got me a smart TV for xmas so I can watch Netflix and YouTube still, and I got an xbox so I can play games. Of course I am sure there are ways to access porn with these devices, but I don't feel triggered like I did with a PC. It's good to put up as many walls as possible for yourselves.

So I would say a big part of laying your foundation is changing your environment and routine. If the computer is a serious issue for you, it may be time to get rid of it. Stay away from movies and shows that are explicit (for now). If something you're watching has nudity, I would avoid it for a while. I watch some stuff now with nudity and although it is exciting to see, I don't think much of it after the scene anymore. It's still dangerous though.

The last thing I want to talk about is MO (masturbation without porn) and sex (only if you're already in a relationship before you start your reboot). MO is an extremely debated topic on this forum, and for good reason. In my opinion, it is a personal choice. I have started every streak with different methods concerning MO. Allowing it only during emergencies, completely embracing it, allowing it once a day, allowing it after my first week, allowing it after my first 2 weeks, etc.

The only thing that I will say is that I have had my most successful streaks when I held off on it. I was able to hold off on it for 27 days on my current streak. I sort of reintroduced to myself to it this time. I don't think of porn anymore, and it's very quick. I also don't allow myself to do it to often. Like I said it's very personal, and I'm sure there are people who say it's bad, no matter what.

In my opinion there is a difference between a crippling addiction, and nature calling. Feeling the urge more and more every day, not to use porn, but to have sex. I believe that is natural. Add in the fact that I'm in sexual relationship, and it becomes stronger.

I was able to hold off on sex for about 25 days. It was the weirdest thing when me and my gf were finally ready to have sex. I was in a complete flatline. I should also mention that I disclosed my addiction with her before this streak. Like I said, living a double life is extremely stressful. I had to risk her leaving me.

Anyways, because she was understanding, I was comfortable. It took a while for me to get erect. Once I was ready, pure bliss ensued, and I didn't last very long. Before, it took me forever to finish; I had to think of porn or fantasize about her being a different woman. That definitely doesn't happen anymore.

I'm gonna call it quits right there. If I make it to 90 days and write a reflection about that, I'll get into all the positive things that have happened to me since getting sober. There definitely has been plenty. If you read this entire thing, thank you!

Peace.