Eight years into the journey- new chapter

The whole post was so inspiring, but i broke down when i read this part because my whole life until recently was just happy, however I started being a sadder person for some reason(fapping) and other stuff. iv also been feeling very sad and very happy I thought something was wrong with me... so thanks for posting! (day 16 20 hours

 

Awesome read! Inspiring

 

Wow

 

Your a warrior man. This stuff is inspiring.

 

Just been reading some of your story; ah, sounds so familiar. The cycle; the use; the remorse; the use. I have been addicted for 25 years, 13 of which in marriage, that has ended, not because of P alone; but P induced depression, anxiety, self loathing, guilt, shame, you know, the heavy stuff that tags along with P use. So I have twice been to day 180 and both times failed, both times due to a marriage argument; now I am separated and live alone, initially my P use was high after separation, but then I thought - this is crazy, I am very sick; this has to stop. So I stopped. Again. But this time I added some new activities to my life to give myself something, I started playing badminton once a week, I have been attending a meditation class. What are you doing in your day to day? Have you got activities? If no, try and add? I think we are our habits; if our habits are French classes, ceramics workshop, yoga, biking - we will be much happier and healthier that if our habits are bar, beer, P, baseball. Say. I actually think that the "superpowers" that some talk of from NF is wrong; it is not superpower, it is just man in his correct state, not hyper sexualised; but in self control. We are vastly more powerful than we imagine; we can achieve huge tasks if we are self-disciplined. If we continue with P we will never be happy nor rich nor successful. Give yourself a bigger why; why are you doing this? In my case it is to rescue my life from potential suicide. What is yours? Lastly, consider P as a toxic item, the more you consume it the more sick you will become. I have put P into a mental box and it is never coming out now. Because in that box also contains depression, misery, pain, guilt, shame, anxiety. It's time to make a decision about which life you want. If you want hard as nails accountability from me, and I don't take any prisoners, then send me a PM. In accountability we are aiming high, we are aiming for a life of freedom and expression and new interests and new friends and new travel and new skills and new money and new significant relationship (if needed) as in my case.

 

Thanks for the motavation. I am kind of close to 71 days. Just passed 45 days a couple days ago. I am going to push through it too. Thanks

 

I found that recovery is not a straight line in one direction. It is an upward zigzags of back and forth and up and downs. It usually takes a bunch of resets before we finally get to the point where we truly want it and are willing to do anything. You're doing a great job brother keep up the good work!



QUOTE="newman_unleashed, post: 459592, member: 54667"]When I signed up on the nofap forums I put the words "new man" in my user name, mainly to remind me of what I was trying to do- become a new, better man. I did not imagine that I could become one in such a short period of time.

I had struggled off and on with PMO for over a decade. I was lonely, I felt worthless, and I had almost lost hope. Every time I made progress, life would kick me back down and beat me again. Alcoholic father, major health scares, separation of my parents, death of my father, mother's drug addictions, family hatred, more health problems...
I never got a break it seemed. I had spent two years in therapy to deal with shame and anxiety, only to have my therapist close her practice to take another position at a hospital- this just as I was actually beginning to trust her. Another person who I could not count on. No one cared about me, and the PMO completely overtook my life.

When I found nofap 2 years ago I immediately signed up and made 45 days. Then failed. And failed again. And again. I tried everything- content blockers, limiting my computer time, and all sorts of other controls and distractions with little success. I do not know what made me finally just say no more, but whatever it was a few months ago, I was ready. I was not going to grow old wasting my life jerking off (I am 35). My life was still salvageable, and I wanted to live and be fulfilled.

One big motivator has been that a week after I started this last streak I rekindled a relationship with a girl I met several years ago. She lives 1200 miles away. At first we talked once a week on the phone, then texted more often, then the face timing started. It has been unbelievable the things we have in common and the shared way we see the world. We are now in a serious committed relationship, and I am going to see her in a couple days. We talk about everything. We both have baggage and we are both okay with it. I dare say that her life has been harder than mine and that she still has some things that she will have to heal from. We will have hard times, no doubt, but she is my best friend and we are in it together. Having gone through what I have gives me the confidence that I can make it through whatever life may throw our way. Good or bad, we seem to be growing together and closer everyday. It is a huge departure from the fake intimacy that porn offers. Get in a real relationship if you want to. It is imminently more rewarding than PMO. Even if for some reason this relationship fails, I now know what a healthy relationship is and can search another one out. Never would have happened if I had not stopped watching porn.

I no longer have the desire to fap. Occasionally I will want to look at pictures or videos of women dancing seductively or scantily clad, but I am learning not to give in to those urges. I don't fantasize anymore. I am in the present. For some reason if it is not with a real woman in a real relationship I just am not interested. My gf and I are both virgins and will stay that way until we are married (if that happens, which it is looking more likely all the time). I am thankful that I am developing self control now before I sleep with a woman. I don't even want to think about how my brain would react or how my partner would feel if I was PMO'ing all the time and then started having sex (especially after reading the experiences in the "Relationships" sub-forum).

I will also say that, now that I am not burying emotions with PMO, I am on a bit of a roller coaster of feelings. I feel incredibly happy at times and then other times I just cry (for many reasons- myself, my family, my gf). I am facing my issues and demons head on, which is uncomfortable at times, but very rewarding. I tell my gf what is going on in my head. She loves me for letting her in and she is proud of who I am in spite of my past. In fact, she cares about me more because of my victories. This is living. I would rather deal with this then be numb. Besides, I am leveling off more each week anyways, so I doubt I stay like this. Most importantly, I realize that my baggage is MINE. No one can carry it for me. But I am strong enough to do it. I prove that to myself everyday now.

I look people in the eye. I say what I think. Women have been hitting on me left and right. People respect me. My business is thriving. My incredibly beautiful girlfriend is crazy about me. I feel like a man. I have a clean conscience. I am real. I watch less TV and spend less time on the internet. I quit social networking cold turkey. I am outside more. I am healthier. Even though I am scared to death about the future and relationships and even my own success, I have the strength to sweat it out and let myself be rewarded and happy. It's new. It's addictive.

If you need any motivation to quit PMO, take my case as such. Less than 3 months and my life is already more than I dreamed it could be.
I feel like the sky is the limit because really, it is.

Update 3/31/16: I have reset 3 times in the past week. It seems like I am self-destructing just when I started to feel like I was really winning. I have done this before. Self-esteem issues- like I don't deserve to be happy so I act out. This battle is a tough one. It takes long term commitment. It takes self awareness and self discipline. I need to clear my head and get back at it. What I wrote above was real. Going to go get that back.[/QUOTE]

 

Does your incredibly beautiful girlfriend who is crazy about you know you are a porn user? Do you realize what that is going to do for her self-esteem if she does know, or found out? Do you care for her at all? And why do you feel the need to consume P when you have a beautiful woman to love?? Are you grateful for her?? Reading this stuff, just makes me angry. Sorry, but it is just pathetic.

If I missed something like a traumatic breakup or something else, I take back the above.

And for all the cheerleaders.... )(*(&*$$^*(*%#@!#%*(
.

 

Update 3/31/16: I have reset 3 times in the past week. It seems like I am self-destructing just when I started to feel like I was really winning. I have done this before. Self-esteem issues- like I don't deserve to be happy so I act out. This battle is a tough one. It takes long term commitment. It takes self awareness and self discipline. I need to clear my head and get back at it. What I wrote above was real. Going to go get that back.[/QUOTE]


Hey man keep it up, I've gotten to that place dozens of times where you feel like you've got it all under control after a couple weeks only to fall harder than ever before, it fucking sucks now but let it fuel your motivation to keep going rather than break you down. Get angry, get fucking pissed; use that anger and frustration as your strength rather than your weakness, just make sure you learn from the relapse too and analyze why it happened

 

I can't wait until you post about getting back in your rhythm and how you got back in it. Your first message was definitely inspiring and kinda eye opening to me I reconnected with a classmate from high school (I'm 19) and the simularities we have are crazy. We both are real Christians with a compassionate heart and we're both in school for it, so the crush I had on her back then in high school was for show now the crush started before NoFap and I'd find myself thinking about her whenever I MOing because of the feelings I have toward her. Now after starting NoFap the feelings are still there but my body and emotions are going through so many other changes I don't recognize them. But one day I would like to make her my wife and I want to be the best me I can be.

 

Amazing article, Dogwood, thanks!

 

This is my experience, too. If you let them do what they're going to do with the contract that no matter what, you won't PMO, then they can no longer bully you into the little corner of that addiction. Every time you take this attitude they lose their power.

 

@newman_unleashed , congratulations on your current streak and on the various benefits you're experiencing. Maybe there's still some uncertainty about the future in you that can be addressed right now, welcomed, released, to help stabilize you and strengthen your resolve to travel the road ahead. Your potential is limitless, brother.