Eight years into the journey- new chapter

Update.

Been on a rough streak lately. If I am not out with friends or busy working, I PMO daily. Today I decided to do something drastic and cancelled my home internet. I deleted instagram from my phone as well. Whatever it takes. I have plenty of things to do, mainly take care of myself spiritually and physically.

The plan is to check email once daily on my phone. I will go for coffee or to a friend's house for the other things I might need to take care of. Just have to plan it. I have no excuses now. I am obligating myself to quit. I will update here every few days when I can.

 

Update. I just relapsed earlier today on my phone. I got a new one and did not have the safeguards programmed into it yet. The last week or so I have been turning a real corner- happier, feeling like I have things in order. I am planning for success again. I finally am out of debt and have some real savings, which is awesome. I am also getting rid of possessions and other obligations that are frankly not part of what I really want out of life. It has been tough, and at times I want to hang onto the stuff or the past, but as soon as I follow through all I have is relief.

I am on the right path, but I have to make my real stand. Again say that I don't watch porn or fap. Just not who I am.

 

Just relapsed so I am back here. Not sure why I left really.
It has been harder for me to keep clean lately. I cancelled my netflix, and am trying not to "check out" mentally/emotionally. Work is slow, so I have more time with my thoughts. I get bored. I am having problems getting motivated to do the things I know I need to do to get the life I want.
I have been working out a lot at least.

 

@Aldo91

Thanks man. I know I can. I think what is getting me right now is that I do not have any clear life goals laid out to strive for. I am going on a vacation with some friends the next couple weeks. Being with ppl should make it easy not to fap, so I will have that going for me. I am going to take some time to think about what I am going to accomplish this year so that I have something to work for every day.
I broke up with my gf last spring. It was for the best. She is engaged now to another guy, and I am really happy for her (not just saying that).
Many available younger ladies where I am at (if I am willing to date someone 10-15 years younger. I know what a problem to have...) Gorgeous girls, lots of fun. I really want to get clean for 3-6 months before trying again.

 

Made a 16 day streak. I was super busy and doing some fulfilling work. Stayed with various friends and was sleeping in a common area, so other than the shower no opportunities to fap.

Got home Sunday evening, and did fine. Even turned back a temptation. Coming back home to the empty house and being around trigger situations (lonely, bored) caught up to me, and I fapped twice yesterday and when I woke up today. Autopilot... P-subs too. So I made some progress, but had a setback. The good news is I still remember how it felt to be clean, and I can use that. The next 48 hours will be key. I need to push through or I will lose all of the progress I have made.

Hit the gym yesterday after a two week layoff- going back today. I started a power lifting program about a month ago. My bench is up to 215 and my deadlift to 190. I weigh 165. I need to work the deadlift more. I want to be the guy that is not huge but is freaky strong. My goal for this year is to get my bench up to 265, deadlift to 300, and squat to 300. See what I can do. Also doing plyometrics for explosive power. I'd like to be dunking a basketball by year's end. I could dunk a ladies ball back in high school, but that was 18 years ago. I'm 6' tall.

I'm going to be motivated, and keep busy- be with people as much as possible. That is my #1 help. I need to be with people. Really, other than the loneliness and the self-worth issues, my life is awesome. Healthy relationships can help me out in those areas. Maybe meet my wife, even.

Also going to travel more this year. My business is humming, and I am working less. Time to enjoy it.
that's it for today. Time to get busy.

 

I have not been on here in a month, since I have been traveling. I am now on day 35 since my last relapse. I have been so busy living that I simply have not had time to look at anything (and I mean anything) that is arousing or to fap. I have also been around people more than when I am at home.

The last month has been life changing for me, and I have realized some very important things. I am ready to change. I know I have said that before, so it is up to me to do things differently now. No more insanity. The other thing that is different is that I am developing a laser focus on my goals and the future I want. Every decision is preceded by the question of whether it helps me to reach those goals or not. Then do the right thing.

All the talking and journaling will mean nothing if there is no follow through, so I won't drag it out. I'll keep you all updated on the progress as time passes.

Feeling grateful, humbled, and determined.

 

@Aloha
The feel goods are real. Thanks for the encouraging words.

I MO'd last week a couple times. Stressful week- moved, also getting back into a routine after traveling. So this weekend I aired out some of my issues with someone, and instead of being confident and ready to face things I kind of made excuses and reverted back to my old "victim" thinking. It did not go the way I wanted. At some point my parents and upbringing are no longer the problem. They started me down this path, but I am choosing to continue down it. So I have been down the last couple days. Today I woke up with a headache, and was feeling kind of like "what's the use". Got on IG, found some P/subs and MO'd. Fortunately, still no porn involved, but I know where this is going if I cannot get it together quick. Get out of the house. Keep busy. Be with people. Back to the gym.

My priorities for the next 6 months to help keep me PMO free:
1. Spiritual investment- meditation, prayer, Bible study
2. Physical care- sleep, eat well, gym-
3. Keep saving $$$ for the future

When I had made 38 days last week I was determined and confident that I was unstoppable in so many ways. Time to bottle that up again get this done. I deserve to be happy. I have to get that through my thick skull and quit sabotaging my life.

I cannot seem to reset my counter right now, but I will later. 6 hours clean.

Edit: The whole "at least it was not porn" bit is a load of crap. If it was not real- as in a real woman/relationship- it counts. Maybe not as damaging as porn, but still fake and harmful, which I know, but I want to drive that home in my mind.

 

@LifeWorthLiving!!!

Thank you for this information. This is new to me, and will be of great help to me moving forward.