60 days conquering demons, roller coaster reboot! (Long post)

Heyyy beautifully self aware people of nofap . I just hit 60 days the other day and wow let me just say I am NOT the same person I was 60 days ago or even 30 days ago for that matter. A number of things I wanted to talk about because this last month has just been such a rollercoaster for me as the title suggests. But I feel like I've finally started going somewhere in my life . Like I've been stuck in the same spot for the past 6 years or so, and I'm finally now just starting to take steps forward.




Okay so first thing I want to mention real quick, about a month ago I found out I had another addiction layered under the PMO(great finding). It's called Maladaptive daydreaming and basically what it is, is excessive daydreaming. It's to the point where one can't even focus on everday tasks without them slipping into a daydream. It usually lasts hours even up to 8 hours in some cases. It's usually triggered by music. I won't get too in depth with it though. I'll just summarize it here so that anyone reading this that has it or might think they have it could talk about it with me. It'd be nice to talk with someone that has the same two addictions that you do, Porn and MDD that is. Please message me if you think you have it .



May 1st and 2nd I was feeling terrible I was down with the flu and had back to back wet dreams. A lot of things were triggering me and I didn't have the energy to even get out of bed. It goes without saying that I was reallllly close to relapsing. No motivation for anything and it didn't help that I was fantasizing too in order to make myself feel better, (that's my fault I know)just not good at all. You know those cartoons where there's another version of the character wearing colors opposite to theirs trying to convince them to do something evil. That's exactly what I was going through, fighting mentally with myself for hours. I was so close to relapsing. Eventually I just gave in and had one of those snapping thoughts that sends your body into a shaking frenzy (Anyone who has relapsed here will know it). That moment when desire takes over and all rational thinking is blown to the side. You think "Fuck it, I'm going to do it, I'm going to relapse!". My body started shaking uncontrollably like a fucking drug addicts would be. But some how, some fucking how I stopped myself before I got to my laptop and just didn't let myself give in. The next two days of my flu I felt like shit but at the same time felt good because I didn't give in to that bad feeling and relapse.



Few weeks ago I had a little epidemic with my triggers. There were a lot of things that triggered me, that wouldn't be seen as porn to the normal person (normal as in non porn addict, us pmo addicts aren't crazy people or anything, I'm not trying to offend anyone here). Seeing attractive girls, fan service, even the mention of anything sexual would trigger me. All from books I was reading, shows and movies I wanted to watch. It felt like I couldn't do ANYTHING that I wanted to without having to face some kind of trigger. My ADDICTED mind would always try to tell me "Hey you watched/read something sexual and got aroused by it that's a relapse! Might as well just watch porn now then". That's how I felt in past reboots and why I avoided triggers altogether but I've noticed I can't get into any kind entertainment that I would like to without facing these things. So I tried to change my mindset. I want to thank @Enderswish604 for helping me face my triggers with his supporting response to my past post on this. He let me know that we're human after all and things will inevitably arouse us and so we shouldn't feel guilty about it. Facing triggers is how we deal with this addiction and being able to see them as just some sexual content within whatever we are already watching as any normal person would is key. We aren't watching in order to see those sexual things they're just an aspect of what we're watching, an aspect of the bigger picture. So now I'm starting to slowly face my triggers and look at them as any non addicted person would and not ACT on them(you know what I mean by that). This isn't to say we should intentionally seek out triggers which is bad but if they ever do come up think of the context of them, why is it happening? How does it relate to the story? But just don't act on them. Again @Enderswish604 all credit for my mindset on triggers goes to him thanks man.


Day 59 the day before I hit my next big milestone something pretty crazy happened to me but I find it kind of funny. Wasn't sure if I should share it but I thought whatever maybe it'll inspire the people reading my post (I will warn you it might be a little triggering). So day 59 the day before hitting my next big milestone I had a wet dream about an "actress". When I was a pmo addicted (well I still am) but when I was acting on it all those years I had one particular "actress" that was my favorite (starting to regret talking about this as I'm writing it now ). The wetdream was about her and I won't go into details about it for obvious reasons. But at the end of the dream I specifically remember her telling me in a fucking melodic like dreamy voice "fap, just relapse". I woke up instantly after that thinking "I'm going to fucking relapse, goodbye 60 days!". I think my mind wasn't fully awake yet hence me thinking like an idiot but about 30 seconds later I came back to my senses and thought "what the hell, no I'm not relapsing that's fucking gross, fuck that". And went about my day as normal.


Aside from telling the story for the sake of inspiring I wanted to drive something home with it's ending. Once all rationality came back to me I thought "No that's disgusting and fake I won't do that". This ...this now I believe is the key to rebooting my brothers. Yeah we can avoid porn for months and months but even after those months if the thought of porn comes up and we find ourselves still thinking "damn that shit is nice but I won't go back to it" that's still kind of bad in my book. Because you still like it, you still don't see it for what it really is. Once you start to realize and genuinely start to think of porn as disgusting and fake whenever it comes to mind, beating this addiction is 100x easier. Like let's say mcdonalds for instance, you get to see how the food is actually made and that'll probably make you feel disgusted by it. So every time you see a mcdouble you're able to see it with clear eyes that that is disgusting instead of seeing it as being something delicious as the commercials would make them out to be. When I thought like that I found myself automatically feeling a sense of profound maturity overcome me. Like I've finally grown up and I'm becoming the man I'm supposed to be. I won't let this illusion tamper with me any longer. That's not to say I beat this already and I've "won" but It's a lot easier dealing with urges now thinking like this.


Everyone will come to this point either by abstinence or changing their mindset. I remember going nearly 4 months before and porn hadn't even crossed my mind in weeks but when it eventually did, it enticed me and I relapsed. I know the majority of us are guys here and it doesn't seem manly but try watching or reading a little bit of romance here and there. Something cute and romantic you know, it definitely opens up your eyes to how disgusting porn really is. It could force that realization out of you. I'll use the mcdonalds example again, like eating a good chicken stir fry vegetable dinner makes you realize just how disgusting fast food actually is. It helps me and whenever I do watch those romantic shows or movies the thought of porn simply disgusts me. It's fake and wrong! It's making us weaker as a race and we need to open up our eyes to it and see it for what it really is...FAKE. If you ever feel like porn is awesome then imagine yourself fapping to it. Look at the image in third person, YOU sitting at your desktop or whatever, pants down, FAPPING to other people having sex on a FUCKING SCREEN. The image is disgusting and something you'd be ashamed of isn't it? Simply because that's not you. Wake up guys this isn't us, we're so much more than this. Don't let yourselves be controlled by a fucking screen of blue light, take back your life. Work on you, be yourself, you'll get a girlfriend a long the way and she'll be a great compliment to your already great life. Every time you share a romantic moment with her it'll be thanks to you quitting this disgusting thing we call porn.


Sorry, I know this post is already super long but I just want to add a little song. If you ever get an urge or even think about relapsing try listening to this first. It's a popular song and chances are you've already heard it. Not suprising, it's a powerful and motivating song and could be just what you need to keep fighting on. Try giving it a listen before you relapse. It could spark something in you..hopefully the real you... the you that doesn't watch porn. Stay strong friends and keep fighting, we can overcome this. Peacee

 

Holy shit someone actually read the whole thing, I took one look at my post and thought "knowings going to read that" . I didn't have PIED but my libidos pretty crazy now though it's probably a lot of energy coming back to me. My morning wood has just recently come back and It's every morning now. You might get it back within just a month it might depend on how long you've been addicted. Seven days that's great man keep going, you might feel really bad soon but that's a sign it's working.