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408 days

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Deleted Account, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. Then I reached the down point:
    One of the guys I talked to wanted to have real life sex. Since I pretended to be French, our cities were (supposedly) very close, he was a law professor and in a 22 years companionship. I felt deep excitement but also an awful pity for myself. I lived a virtual life no one knew about (besides my therapist). Me a 17 year-old guy who entertained cyber-sexual relationships with men way older than him who cheated on their partners? I didn't want this life, not anymore. Specially when I read more about it, the next step would've been prostitution or the use of it or anything too close to reality, the use of drugs, at one point in my life I was ready to do all of that, when I came back from school and connected to chat rooms begging others for a chat and stay hours and nights infront of those websites and show my ass just to get that angry fix.
    MY FIRST REBOOT YEAR:
    Jan 19th 2014: I decided to stop, I changed my passwords on Skype, cleaned my computer and was completely ready. HARD MODE.

    February: I edged, had hope, sent farewell messages after getting my skype passwords back, and from then I haven't touched my penis again till today.
    The beginning is always the hardest part, I knew it!
    March: I was pleased to discover NoFap and felt less lonely.
    -I read a lot about it, said to myself that I should post a message there one day, never did till today.
    -Discover "fight the new drug" "The sacred sexuality project", Gary Wilson and read a book about a sex porn addict.
    -Became more religious and disciplined, which helped me overcome a lot of struggles.

    April: -Completed my 90 days challenged and felt strong and confident about that.
    I was determined, saw no porn, no sexchat and began going to the gym.
    -Learned more about self confidence and how to manage my studies.

    May: I faced problems with sexualizing people in the gym, but I was still holding on.

    June: at the beginning of the month I felt low due to my finals, went to chatrooms, restaured my skype passwords, contacted the Canadian guy, signed up in a gay sex social network but still I haven't masturbated. After that I decided again to stop and had a full summer free of porn and sexchat, for me this was a victory I couldn't imagine myself reaching.
    I also read 'Who moved my cheese' by Spencer Johnson which I highly recommend.

    At that point I've learned so much: Self love and confidence were really important.
    -Your head can make up a lot of lies just to bring itself comfort and that it was really possible to stop it and change the view you have on this world.
    -That I could reach high grades even without masturbating: All my life I used to fap before exams in order to shut down the voice that was telling me that I will fail anyway.
    -Life tastes way better without it: I was able to live the moment and stop getting anxious without any reason.

    Hower, in September: I felt stressed by the new final year and went say hi to the Canadian guy on Skype, but never had a session with him. Then I spent two months free of porn and sexchat, but I had a stress feeling I never had before. I felt like I was really incapable of succeding and that I absolutely had to watch sexual imagery in order to make my life less stressful, I know it was a lie but this year is like any other, the voice in my had is SCREAMING that I wont reach my goals and stay a loser. At that precise point I was reaching 6 complete months of PMO FREE, even 6months free of any erotic/sexual imagery.
    Unfortunately, I went on various websites and saw sexual images, then I went back to skype and contacted the Canadian guy and was really close to show myself and relapse. I felt enormous guilt but not any relapse occured. I was so at the very edge but haven't fall.

    December: Just before my exams, I went desperately back to erotic and pornographic websites. My guilt from the past months and stress for studies was so enormous that I didn't mind doing it again. I saw a lot of imagery but haven't masturbated. I felt like my head was about to explode.

    January: new trimester I had a down time and I went on those websites again, then I decied to stop.

    A year lated, 19 Jan 2015 I was masturbation free, and (nearly) sexcam free.

    10 th February: I relapsed concerning the sex cam, since June I haven't showed myself on the net, and I did it again and felt a huge weight away from my shoulders, all the stress all the negativeness went away for a moment, then I felt huge guilt for myself but at the same time a relief. Yet, no masturbation. I showed myself indeed, went on porn sites, talked to men on skype but yet no masturbation. I know this is weird, but I can not still explain how it happened. At that moment I felt like all sense of self control went away.

    22th February: I did the same thing and committed myself not doing it again.

    19 March: I did it again, spent the complete night trying to find a sexy guy, talked to the Canadian Guy again, had his home address, felt hopeless, was about to masturbate, lost hope, saw life the blurred way, but I don't know how I managed to pull myself up. I did some sport, then I commited myself to write my story and share it with the NoFap community. I spent the whole year fighting alone and thinking I could be strong just by myself without any external help, but, ignorance is the source of weakness, right?


    At the very moment, I am afraid because I feel like I don't have the control over myself anymore. Next year I am planning to go study abroad in Canada and now since I have one location of one of the men I chatted with I'm afraid I might do something I'll regret my whole life once there.
    I am conscious that if I masturbate I will fall apart regarding all the way I did during this past year but yet I felt so close to do it that It's almost like I did it already.

    My problems are that: I need to manage my study time for my final high school leaving exam that will be in less than 3 months. Prepare for my English exam, since I'm planning to study abroad and get my driving license, all of that melting with the highest level of fear and stress I ever felt in my entire life!
    My highest goals to be 'free' would be to free myself definitely from internet addiction and cyber sex, and my over thinking mind.

    Sometimes I ask myself if all my friends and family knew my story, would they be supportive and still love me whatever I did to myself, I read a lot of addict stories and most of them say having the support from their loved ones, but I am so ashamed of my story I can't ever imaging myself telling it to some family member, or even friends.

    You might be asking yourself why I haven't tried to be in a relationship during the past year. Well, because I am convinced I have to trust and love myself first before loving someone else, or expect someone else to love me. I have to make peace with myself first, that's my standard.

    If you made it till the very end, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I have faith that one day a young man like me will read that and acknowledge he isn't alone and that we all have our demons and we're all fighting our own battle. I personally need a non-judgmental support from this community at the moment and maybe find a friend or a mentor, or any support actually.

    Peace!
     
  2. That's a tough story. But to be honest, I think that your homosexual endeavours are not because you are gay, but they are a direct consquence of the way you were raised as a kid, and the combination of other unfortunate circumstances.
    There is a book written Joseph J. Nicolosi, a psychologist who is an expert on the psychological background of homosexuality. The title of the book is "Shame and Attachement Loss. The Practical WOrk of Reparative Therapy". It is absolutely NOT politically correct as it states homosexuality as a dysfunction and not a natural state, but the things in the book and the things you just shared, are so identical, that I felt that I have to mention this book to you.

    All in all, it's not your fault. You're the victim here. I wish you all the best.
     
  3. One odd question, this thread was created by @EarthDragon it appears?

    Kinda confusing, seeing as your post is the first in the thread @Zack096 o_O

    Way to go on 261 days no P, and 668 no M, that is freakin awesome.
     
  4. This thread was created by me indeed :)
    Such a long time have gone through since March. I will write again another success story next March :)
     
  5. A_Manifestor

    A_Manifestor Fapstronaut

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    Ask yourself whether you are willing to prove that voice wrong. Because that is all it is - a voice. Journal down the patterns of your thinking and find some examples that prove the opposite.

    I will provide you with a counter example too. Your last quote is a sign of maturity and wisdom. The experience of a fulfilling will be there, when you have made peace with yourself. Mind you, some relationships can help you get to the place of making peace with yourself anyway.

    One way to stay on the path is to remind yourself why you undertake it and what the rewards of that will be. Goal setting is one of the best tools there is for that.
     
  6. That is what I figured.

    XenForo says it was created by EarthDragon, hehe strange.
     
  7. Solid words :).
     
  8. A_Manifestor

    A_Manifestor Fapstronaut

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    I do not think it matters, because judging wether sexual orientation is environmentally determined is not the point of this website. It is furthermore still an ongoing debate within the scientific community. I find it interesting once in a while, as a straight male, mind you. Check the book "Sperm Wars" for arguments why homosexuality can be a natural state in some species and for some small percentage of humans.

    What matters in your comment is the "victim" role. The role of a "victim" is counter productive in achieving personal results. I would strongly encourage OP to focus on finding reasons why he is in control of his own destiny from this point in time instead. And to notice when victim mentality comes up, to challenge it and to prove it wrong.
     

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