34 Y/O With Crippling Paraphilias

After a month of lurking around here, I think it’s finally time to post here and seek the advice and support of this great community.

I am 34 years old and have faced the same ED challenges that most report here. I am married and have been unable to have normal sex for easily identifiable reasons. I have a few fetishes that have dominated my entire sexual life, of which I am deeply ashamed but have done little to curtail until now:

1) Macrophilia: Specifically the giantess/shrinking fetish. I can trace this back to childhood and movies like Honey I Shrunk The Kids.

2) Female feet - also dating back to childhood. Not sure what started it, but it’s out of control.

3) Women in pantyhose/stockings - I can remember being into girls in my primary school classes and their uniform tights, as early as 2nd grade.

All of these fetishes feed each other and pre-date my discovery of internet porn. I started internet porn around 12 years old and since then I have regularly consumed giantess fetish porn with a focus on feet and hosiery. I have masturbated 5-7 times per week for as far back as I can remember. I once tried to cut back after getting engaged to be married, but quickly relapsed, thinking I could cater to my fetishes and satisfy my future wife by thinking about them while having sex (Nope. That doesn’t work for me and isn’t fair to her).

As an added complication, I learned to masturbate in the prone position (commonly known as TMS, or traumatic masturbatory syndrome). A few months ago (after a few years of marriage), I started to research ways to kick these pre-internet-porn fetishes and start a normal vanilla sex life and read up on ED issues suffered by prone masturbators (ref: healthystrokes). I was very happy that I was easily able to quit prone masturbation cold turkey and do it the “normal” way (by hand) every day for 1 month straight (albeit with the aid of giantess P or giantess P fantasy). However this still didn’t affect my inability to have normal sex. That’s when I discovered nofap and the idea of PIED.

I’m looking for support and guidance for my situation, as the fetishes are certainly complicating things. After discovering this community, I started a hard reboot and I am now on day 30 (shattering my previous record of about 7 days). My ultimate goal is to completely quit P and M, and O only through intercourse with my infinitely patient wife. During the second week, I had a spontaneous event with her that led to a clothes-less situation. I was able to get hard quickly by cheating and thinking about a giantess P fantasy for a split second. This did lead to my first penetration, but it barely lasted a minute before going limp as I focused on her and the situation in lieu of my fetishes. Not how I envisioned losing my virginity.

I have had a few positive observations over the last few weeks as I’ve continued the reboot since then:

- Morning wood has happened quite often. More so than usual.
- I have had several giantess-related dreams that are not porn-recollections. Perhaps my brain is complaining about the lack of fetish P and trying to get me back in old habits.
- Yesterday I saw an attractive women dressed in a simple pub waitress outfit (black pants, black t-shirt, pretty vanilla) and immediately thought of sex - not what her feet look like, not what she would be like as a giantess, but sex with her. I did not get an erection, though.

These positives aside, though, I’ve had little sex drive (probable flatline) and have not been able to reciprocate my wife’s initiations.

I am deeply concerned that since my fetishes were developed before the age of internet porn, I will not be able to overcome them and live a normal sex life. Triggers are everywhere for me, as so many women expose their feet in the warm weather and wear tights in the cold weather. The giantess thing still dominates my thoughts. The P use definitely intensified things over the years, expanding my interests into giantess insertion, crush, entrapment, etc. From what I read, I am losing hope that I can completely kick these fetishes to the curb, but I am deeply hoping that I can grow my interests in vanilla sex to the point where the fetishes hold little power over me. My wife and I want to have an active, creative sex life. More practically, we also want to start a family, which isn’t going to happen if I can’t perform.

Any advice and support is appreciated. This is a very lonely road to travel, even with an amazing partner.

 

I like the analogies with strawberry/chocolate. I am very discouraged that their origins are pre-P, but I'm really hoping that losing the P and P fantasy will help lessen their power.

The last time I approached the feet thing she wasn't really receptive (I got the impression she thought it was weird). She picked up on the hosiery thing and didn't want to have to play dress up to be intimate. I can totally understand that, because I too want to have a bedroom routine without these desires being dominant. I've never approached the macrophilia thing and you're right - that's one thing that can never be fully realized in real life.

I'm desperately hoping that a reboot can at least expand my interests to the point where the fetish-related desires aren't dominant ones.

 

Hmm I've considered it, but I'm worried about becoming dependent on a pill .

 

That's quite an opinion for something you have almost no details about. But I will not engage you on this.

I would appreciate supportive, constructive conversation in this thread.

 

If I may give a little more detail: my marriage is very healthy. My sex life is not. I know that sex is a very important part of marriage, but that's why I'm here. Almost every other aspect of my marriage is amazing and marrying her was easily the best decision of my life. I am most definitely not unhappy; she is my soul mate. Every year we make our marriage a little better. This year I'm trying to make the one thing missing in our marriage also awesome. I do not have an unaccepting SO by any means. Rather, she (and I) were raised in religious traditions (that we mostly no longer subscribe to) where premarital sex is not something we engaged in, and exotic sexual tastes are somewhat foreign to her. When I said I think she thought the feet thing is weird, it's not that she's an unaccepting person. It's more that it's outside the realm of her normal sexual upbringing and I didn't push it because frankly I was somewhat embarrassed (that's on me, yes).

Either way, I don't want to have her act out my fetishes in order to have sex regularly with her. I don't think that's fair to her, as I would most certainly have trouble meeting her needs while fantasizing about my own.

@IGY: So are you saying that my fetishes will always remain, or are you saying that I will never be able to live a normal sex life? I am approaching this with the hope that a reboot will help grow my desire for regular sex and form reward circuitry that will allow me to explore new ways to engage with my partner, and that I will be able to more easily control and avoid triggers related to my fetishes.

 

That's a very encouraging thing to hear. Thank you for sharing. When you were still sexually active during the reboot period, were you able to perform without fantasizing? I'm currently PMO free 31 days into my reboot, but I'm willing to O if it's during sex. I do worry about the temptation to fantasize, though.

 

I read through your journal thread. Wow, thank you for sharing with such great detail. It gives me hope that I'll be able to kick my fetishes to the bullpen some day.

 

Progress is slow. Had sex a few times but was unable to finish. There are definitely more vanilla urges than there were before, but the fetish stuff is always a reliable turn on. I tripped a few times with a few fetish P viewing sessions, but I'm about to hit 100 days without M and O. The P viewings were definitely a set back, but I can't beat myself up over it.