34/M 'Sobering Up'

Hi NoFap community. I'm a 34 year old gay male in the US. I currently live in a sober living home. Today I am more than one year of sober from drugs and alcohol thanks to a 12-step program I participate in. I'm proud of what I have accomplished over the past 1+ year in living a life free from drugs and alcohol.

However, my life in sobriety is more complex than the notion, "I didn't drink today." I am no longer making progress and am finding myself unhappy and 'stuck' in my current state. I am beginning to see that I have unhealthy dependence on PMO and that the mental/emotional state this behavior leaves me in is one that has helped light the flames of my drinking and drugging. I owe thanks to my 12-step program, the participants therein, and especially my higher power for helping me get honest about this fact in my life.

PMO is a go-to for me when I want to avoid life. I am afraid of the pain of relationships and closeness to others. I balk at work and making progress in difficult areas of my life like studying or engaging socially. I even find that PMO is something I use to distract myself from the responsibility of life. I am coming to accept that since I was a teen, PMO has been my way to avoid the things in life I don't want to deal with and this learned behavior is literally holding me back from growing as a person and enjoying life on new, different, and healthier terms. PMO is a behavior that has literally retarded my growth, development, and maturation into a responsible adult since I was a teen discovering myself, my sexuality, my body, and the 'wonder' of pornography on the internet.

PMO is leaving me tired, listless, and without motivation. I find myself engaging in PMO two to three times a day, sometimes even more, and accomplishing little more than eating and performing basic tasks. PMO sometimes is occupying hours of time in each sitting which gets in the way of me getting a good nights sleep and being productive in my free time. I have sought out unprotected sex in online dating apps and have had only one encounter in the past several years during which I could not reach orgasm. My pornography consumption on websites is increasingly turning to more graphic sex acts. PMO is inhibiting my ability to study, the way I feel after PMO is stealing away from my motivation to pursue new and better jobs, and leaving me feeling ashamed, alone, and stressed out. Drugs and alcohol have been something that I have used in the same way. I don't want to keep living like this anymore.

I am willing to make a change. My higher power has given me an opportunity to be here today to engage with others looking to make the same change in their lives. I want to make good on this opportunity. I have goals and can see myself living differently. I will make the best of this resource (the NoFap website and community) and from this moment on I am done using pornography. I have also made the decision to achieve 90 days of NoFap, the 'Gold Standard' described in this websites Rebooting Basics section, starting now.

I am willingtolivewell and I am a fapstronaut. Thank you.

 

I had posted a follow-up to this on day two or three but maybe I hit the preview button and failed to complete the process...?

Anyway, its Day 6 now and I am still struggling with motivation and energy levels. I managed to get some studying done on Saturday and felt good about it, however Sunday I was busy all morning and working in the evening and didn't get any progress made on my goals. Monday is an all-day marathon for me as well so no studying. Today is my Friday in my work schedule and I leave for an evening shift within the hour. At work I am able to 'force' myself to get engaged and have been doing a good job there, despite my lack of progress at home. At home, I think it is easier for me to get stuck. I don't feel the pressure of my goals at home the way I do at work, if that makes sense. Still, I need to do something to help me set aside time to study at home. It'd probably help me with the low-energy and motivation issues. I did feel better about things at home on Satuday when I managed to get some studying done. My job is a physical one that keeps me on my feet and I often go home exhausted. My feet ache from standing on hard concrete all day. Still, I can be relaxed from that work and study sitting in a chair at the same time. Rest doesn't have to mean bed-ridden and sleepy. I guess its called flatline around here. I seem to fit the description. There is a lot of pressure from others, let alone myself, to make progress on my goals (both in my quest against PMO and in working on bettering my career) and I also need to remember to take it easy, do this one day at a time, and to put first things first.

For now, I'm finally feeling well rested. I'm going to go close my shift at work and come home to enjoy a two-day weekend where I can get some studying done an find some time for me to have fun and feel good without PMO.