32yr old with PIED and Performance Anxiety

Hello all, this is really weird to be typing this as I've kept this story mostly with me for the last few years - also I'm not one to be posting in forums. The support system that I read about in the NoFap introduction and what I saw on the message boards really spoke to me and let me know I'm not alone with this struggle...so here it goes...

I was pretty young when I started fooling around with girls, maybe like 14-15? I lost my virginity when I was 19. I've been a relationship guy for the most part, I think I've slept with 15-20 girls. I always watched porn as a young gent, thought nothing of it, totally normal coming up, right? I first started noticing my erection troubles when I was 21, my girlfriend at the time just wasn't aggressive enough for me I remember thinking, sometimes my dick would work, sometimes it wouldn't. Naturally this bothered me quite a bit. As time went came and went, so did other girls in my life and so did watching porn. Let me state that I never watched porn for longer than 5 minutes and rarely more than once in a day. Some weeks I would only watch maybe 3 out of 7 days? I would get myself by with these girls by getting them naked and going down on them while I primed myself up focusing on the strength of my erection - when I felt it was strong enough then I would engage in intercourse.

When I was in 25 I still had this anxiety about whether I would get an erection when I was with a girl, would it be harder enough, would it go away - all based on previous failures. I met this great girl who I was so sexually attracted to, at the risk of embarrassing myself infront of her with my gear not working, I talked to her the first time we got naked. I told her that sometimes it happens and its usually because I'm nervous and thinking about it - I figured why not tell her, she was so out of my league that things surely wouldn't last anyways. Well, she took it really well...I dated her for a year with ZERO, I mean Z-E-R-O issues, and the sex was amazing (I honestly can't remember if I even watched porn at this time). But our differences got the best of us and we split anyways. After this happened, I moved away for university.

Now in university, here is where the story turns: the girls were out there and they were thirsty. I had no troubles with my erection, except if I was drinking and in university you're drinking a lot of the time. For those instances (when I was drinking) I got a prescription for the blue pill from my doctor, it worked well, erection achieved. Despite remembering my old issues, I must have totally overcame them because if I wasn't drinking, I was like a rock, good to go! I was still definitely watching porn at this time, but again, not for longer than 5 minutes and not more than once a day, just enough to get a load off and get back to what I was doing, normal right? Near the end of my university tenure I met a girl. I thought she was perfect, we were in love, the sex was good and we moved in together.

Fast forward 5 years, she just left me. The attraction just wasn't there anymore. I've been working in a remote location the last 3.5 years and only got to see her one week of the month. As time went on, I didn't even want to have sex with her, I rather would have just watched porn and jerked off...and so I did. I can't say we ever made love either (I don't think I ever have) we only had sex. I couldn't even cum from fucking her - I always needed her to get on top and I would close my eyes and focus on my "highlight reel" of other girls I had been with, that's the only way I could cum. When I was away for work, I'd watch porn probably 5/7 nights, again not longer than 5 minutes at a time and just to quickly bust a nut. About a year and a half ago, I just would have trouble getting an erection and maintaining one wit her.

A big part of the reason I couldn't maintain an erection is me focusing on erection and only my erection. The thoughts that go through my mind are "Is it still hard, is it going soft now, how hard does it feel for her, shit I think its going soft" and that's where my demise went. In the last year I had sex with her twice only, both times with morning wood and for not longer than 30 seconds with her on top only. Embarrassing. I tried explaining my anxiety to her, she didn't get it, she wasn't happy. She never called me out on it or chastised me, but she definitely was the opposite from a support system.

So now, here I am, typing on this forum my story. I would say I probably spend at least 2-3 hours of the day worrying about my erection for the next girl that comes along in my life, its fucking torturous. The thoughts that run through my mind "what if I fail, she's going to split if I can't show her that I can get my dick hard, what the fuck kind of man am I to be worrying about something so basic, I know its a self fulfilling prophecy but I can't help it". I went to the doctor and got a prescription the yellow pill, I really don't want to take it just to have sex. I can masturbate fine, however, sometimes I find myself analyzing my erection while masturbating and then it gets deflated. I don't think I watch anything too hardcore but I also know I don't get any pleasure out of watching it or even having an orgasm anymore, at this moment my dick hurts from the death grip I must put on it last night. I wasn't even horny last night, I didn't use porn, I lost my erection half-way through on the first attempt and then was successful a few hours later, again without porn. I've even questioned my sexuality at points in the last year, if I can't get it up infront of a naked girl then I must be gay...no I've concluded that isn't true and it's just a stupid thought, I love women entirely too much for that.

So what do I want from this? Well, to be able to use my dick again that's for sure. But I've taken time to reflect on things and realize I've been doing sex wrong my entire life. The act in itself has always been a goal, to cum, to tell your buddies a good fuck story, to have another notch in your belt. I've completely objectified women this whole time. "She's not a person, she's just something I can shoot my load into and tell my buddies about". I don't want to have sex for the sake of fucking and cumming anymore (not that I can given my ED at the moment). I want to share myself with someone, enjoy her body, focus on her and make love to her. I feel that no PMing will desensitize me and maybe get back to where basic animal instinct should have me. I don't want to focus on my erection anymore, although I know for myself it won't be that easy, but I will talk to my next partner about it before we start getting more familiar with one another.

Wow, that was long, if you're still reading, thanks.

 

Thank you for the kind words gents. I do continue this story here:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...ormance-anxiety-and-pied.233378/#post-2084617