300 + days

I'd like to share my testimony in the hope that it helps and encourages others. I suppose it is cathartic for me to share. I will be detailed as I have not seen many write about BDSM and Chrsitianity.

I'm a mid 30's male, who was raised Christian and am a born again believer. However since before puberty, I developed a habit of masturbating to torture and humiliation scenes. When I discovered BDSM on a TV show and the net at about the age of 18 and that it was not just something that I invented, I was amazed and my interest flourished, it was focused on female domination.

As a Chrisitan, I grew up believing lust was wrong and so refrained from masturbating to the thought of sex with women and while I saw regular pornography from time to time, I never masturbated to it. BDSM was never spoken about it in church and it was not clear that it was a sin. I suppose when you are so close to something, it distorts your view of reality and for me, BDSM did not seem bad as it felt an infliction. It was something that was in me and had been in me before I knew others did it. Similar to say how gays feel, perhaps. I atleast have a lot of affinity to the gay community due to this BDSM interest as we are both outsiders with fantasies from childhood (for some). So when I looked up BDSM it felt like an interest rather than porn.

What I engaged with was a lot of writing about BDSM and femdom, both stories and more so accounts that involved reality. So either accounts of sessions, real adverts for submissives and especially accounts from dominatrices. In my mind, it was unclear what constituted pornography as an account of a session or advert seemed too trivial. I've subscribed to femdom pornographic websites and have watched a lot of bdsm pornography. Mostly it was with male submissives but I could also watch female submissives and associate with them and get off on it. I am fully straight yet have watched many males naked and being sexually degraded. Often the films did not hit the spot but some did and it was the dominants that did it for me. So not only were they good looking but more so, it was the way they spoke. Perhaps their coolness and switches in their personality, say caring one moment, mocking the next and angry at another. I liked the taboo and when they gave clear commands.

I enjoyed seeing the suffering of submissives and when they cried and were humilaited. I imagined to be them.

I never saw a dominatrix or try it in real life but managed to obtain some invitations to meet real life dominants and was tempted. I also spent a fortune on webcams with femdoms and was clearly addicted, each session was a disappointment yet I could not stop trying again.

For me, I got of on what I hated. So normally I have a strong sense of justice yet I was aroused by being treated unfairly, degraded and hurt. So after each fantasy session, I felt bad about myself. When younger, I would masturbate twice each morning before arising and twice in bed before sleeping and pornography browsing sessions up to 6 hours for days on end with repeated masturbation.

I've tried to break this involvement with BDSM several times but could mostly only manage a few weeks before relapsing, binging worse than ever before. Fantasies also increased in depravity. I felt bored and unsatisfied yet embedded to it. I probably stopped masturbation for a few months but then got back into it after meeting someone online, which I also regret.

I've prayed for help repeatedly but still did the same. it was my repeated sin and I felt hypocritical and alone. In November I fiercely shouted to God that I do not want to sin but he is not helping me and I cannot stop. After that whenever I felt I wanted to look up BDSM, I was filled with euphoria. I felt so good that I no longer wanted to put myself down with BDSM. This was every time that I prayed. It was God sending me a feeling of highness to break the addiction. It is the greatest miracle and love that I have experienced in my life. This lasted for months until the main addiction was stopped. Then the euphoric feelings after prayer ended and I did ok for a while.

However, after about 4 months of no bdsm (pornography, domme sites accounts etc) I could not stop thinking about a previous fantasy. It was the details supplied to me by a domme as to what could happen in a particular session that I asked her about. So I tried a therapist and in a week wrote everything I could about this, including all my fantasies, everything that I have done and every detail about real life incidents as a child that could had caused this interest. Then I prayed over it all and my attraction to it disappeared. The therapist seemed puzzled how it went like that and we no longer had to work on ways to manage it.

It came back when I was stressed and I looked up every type of BDSM pornography for 5 days in June. I spoke to another therapist, got a book on sex addiction, and no understand how I use this to manage my feelings. I am now no longer interested in BDSM at all and God is helping me not to check out women and has already divert from arousing pictures such as bikinis and Facebook.

I have not masturbated at all since November.

What has happened is a miracle to me and if anyone suffers with anything, I would say that they should they pray with their heart to God and ask for his help and say why. Keep at it and your prayers will be answered.

Unlike others, I've not noticed any benefits in productivity or weight loss. I've not particularly suffered from anxiety so have not noticed much with this. I do feel better about myself as I am no longer fantasising about being hurt. Feeling free is amazing and I wish for everyone.

 

Sorry to hear that you have struggled too but it is nice you reached out.

Why do you not consider yourself fully healed? Is your counter saying you have done 132 days PMO, or is that a generic graphic for the banner?

Good question, I do consider myself healed but it remains a weakness. So, without the help of God I would still be looking it up - no doubt about that. Before I relapsed on BdSM pornography for a week, I thought I was immune to it all and I could think about it and would not be aroused. Initially this worked but then it led to trouble. Someone advised me not to thinkl about it and he himself didnot for 18 months. Now, I do not think about it but if a thought comes up, it passes quickly and I can always pray about it. So for me, it may always be a thorn in my side which is good as it deepens my reliance on God.


I am also curious as to how I will react the next time I am stressed. I think that perhaps, my psyche craves someone to take control when I am stressed and I feel bad about myself so desire to be punished. But that is only a theory as to why I am drawn to BDSM when down or stressed. But on the whole I feel healed and no longer troubled by it. It is 10 months without masturbating and except for one solid week, I have not been involved with pornography in that same 10 months. Before this was impossible for me.

I did it by being desperate and telling God firmly that I needed him and begged for his help. I prayed from my heart that I no longer wanted to sin but I could not stop and this was cruel when he could help me if he wanted to. Or something similar.

I also did therapy and looked at the causes. Maybe you could explore this yourself and then pray it all over and ask forgiveness for anyone who may have willingly or more likely unintentionally, caused your kinks.

Seek God for your help, be desperate and speak from your heart. He will answer as he wants you to trust him, he wants to help and he does not like this sin of ours. I feel incredible after so it is worth it. Do not give up, I prayed for over 20 years. Perhaps I did not ask his earnestly before.

 

Sorry to hear of your struggles but I am certain you can be healed of this.

What problems does it cause? It can be sinful if you idolise it and use it as a prop. Perhaps have a look online for possible causes and think of your past and any link. Then pray over it sincerely and it will go.

132 days is great and I'm not sure how you are triggered if you are not looking at porn or masturbating. Thoughts are just thoughts, it is what you do with them that matters. And it does not sound like you are lusting?

However, you should be free and this is what Christ offers.

No I do not have a girlfriend currently. I believe in waiting for marriage until sex and I used to think I could stop BDSM when I got married. I now know that is wishful thinking. I never wanted to mix marriage and BDSM as it was an addiction and I despised the fantasies. If I get married, I would hope to have a sex life that is built on intimacy and providing joy while receiving it. It will be Christ centred and pure. That is not to say that perhaps some fetish like acts may occur but I do not need them and they would be soft and from different motives. For example I don't mind kissing a foot if my wife wanted it but there is no sexual link for me, it is just a part of the body. I would not like to dominated myself but I don;t mind being tied up and blindfolded to heighten sensations.
It is all very different to before.

I is good to chat to you brother. Is there anything that I may pray for you about?

 

Sorry, I cannot think of any links as it would need a search based on the specifics of your circumstances. Even then there may not be much.

Next time you have the thoughts and are frustrated, then try praying to God for help and being as desperate and specific as possible. Ask him to show himself and to help you because you no longer wish to be plagued with this and you cannot break it yourself. This is what worked for me.

I prayed for you and will do so again.

 

Pray brother and you will. It goes almost instantly and is no struggle because God rips out the desire. He broke my smoking addiction too and I had almost no withdrawal symptoms because there was no longer any desire to smoke. Some people try to stop porn and smoking by forcing themselves, but they struggle because they are using will power to stop what they crave. With God he removes the desire so it is easy as not eating a spoon of mud - who would want to do that. You can then go on with your life.

I've tried giving up both by myself so I know the difference.

Pray and you will receive in the name of Jesus. Just keep searching him and asking. I believe I am free of these addictions for life and he is cleaning me of others and refining me.

 

39 days is excellent.