26 y/o Trying to Turn Life Around

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by FlyingPizza, Jun 1, 2018.

  1. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut


    Hi all! I thought I would stop by and wish everyone a Happy New Year!

    Things are going well with me. Still porn free and masturbation free. I had a small incident a couple of weeks ago because I was watching a series with my family and out of nowhere there was a very graphic sex scene. I closed my eyes and had to struggle with the images for a few days, but I managed all right! It's amazing how used we are to porn, that the damn thing has made it to the mainstream. It's so pervasive...

    Life has been nice lately. A lot of work, but can't complain about the extra money. I have continued dilation therapy as recommended by the PT.

    I also have some exciting news to share. A couple of weeks ago, my friends decided to set me up with a guy. He was acquainted with my best friend's boyfriend through a video game they play all the time. The plan was to go as a group and meet the guy because he didn't have that many nerdy friends... Well, I think my friends set us up for an actual date, because after dinner, they kinda disappeared and went to play on their own. They left us alone at the arcade.

    I was a bundle of nerves. I was trying my best not to be awkward and say something stupid. I know it was a low-pressure thing, but still, I thought he was cute and didn't want to make a fool of myself.

    We had a nice time, despite the awkwardness. We met again as a group at my best friend's apartment to play some more games. We exchanged numbers then. And we had our first official date this Sunday at a state park. We had a picnic by the lake and chatted for a while.

    I really like him. He's kind and considerate. He's also got lovely eyes and a lovely smile. I think we share similar values and interests, so I'm looking forward to our next date this Sunday...

    Meanwhile, I'm pretty much devouring everything I can on dating and flirting, coz I suck at the latter. I want to break the physical barrier on our next date, which is easier for girls to do generally, but I have never been very touchy to people I barely know even if I like them; it's hard for me to reach out and touch someone's arm playfully, for example. Trying hard not to get too nervous, but it's hard when you like someone, right?

    Anyhow, that's it for now. I hope all of you are doing amazing too.

    Hugs and kisses,
  2. Livispacerocket88

    Livispacerocket88 Fapstronaut

    Oh my gosh your back!!! Good on ya for staying pmo free! Hope you kick some ass this year.
    I used to read your entries all the time last year between September to November. You don't know me, but you inspired me to finally start an account on nofap. And finally give up my addiction. I am now on day 32! So thank you, you unknowingly helped a soul out, after a rocky 2018. Hope you post some more x
    OrangeJuice13 and FlyingPizza like this.
  3. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    That’s so very exciting. I’m am both proud and so happy for you. I had so much faith in you from the very beginning.

    PS ~ Do you have any idea how many people I have told to check out your very structured very beautiful calendars you've produced?
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2019
    FlyingPizza likes this.
  4. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Wow, you're back!

    Aww! It warms my heart up to see you're in a good relationship with a good guy. I hope you're very happy! This is what you've been working towards. Really, I'm so so so very happy for you.

    I hope I can get a relationship started...although now may not be a good time, but I hope one day I get there and can be happy like you seem to be.

    Thank you for the update! Good luck on your date! :)
    FlyingPizza likes this.
  5. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut


    The date went amazing. We spent like 6 hours together, but time flew so fast. We went to a museum with open gardens and walked around for a bit, then had lunch at a restaurant near my place. Went out to the city center to walk around. I showed him my favorite street, which is my favorite because it has an outdoor sports store and there's a bookstore right across from it. Then we went back to my place and played some Super Smash Bros Ultimate. (No, we didn't smash, we just played Smash. Big difference!) After a few rounds, we leaned for a kiss... aaaaand we kissed!

    *Squeals like a schoolgirl*

    We'll meet again this weekend. We'll go to another museum that's hosting a festival. This time we'll go with my friends as well, so it'll be like a triple date kinda thing. I'm very much looking forward to seeing him again, he's been on my mind a lot even when we're not texting each other.

    I have noticed a shift in my thoughts as well. As I mentioned before, I don't feel the urge to look at porn anymore, but sometimes I have very sexual thoughts of things I have seen or I create a highly sexualized scene in my head. I have noticed that now I think of pleasuring him or being pleasured by him when I think of sex. I believe this is a very positive shift, even if it doesn't work out between us in the end. At least he's kind, considerate, and very real.

    Lastly, here's my schedule for the week. I haven't scheduled any daily postings here in a while because I need the extra time for other projects, but people like @GhostWriter keep telling me how helpful these are to other folks, so here ya go :D

  6. Freedom_lover

    Freedom_lover Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    Que gusto que la pasaste increíble en la cita!!!
    Parece que disfrutas mucho de la compañía del chico. Que bueno n_n

    Jajajajaja hasta yo me emocioné al leer lo del beso. Que bello es disfrutar de una relación sana con otra persona!
    Te deseo todo lo mejor, no solo con el chico, sino en tu vida en general.
    Mucha suerte! :)
    Solomon435 likes this.
  7. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    :D :D :D

    That's so amazing! I'm way happy for you! I don't know what you say that will show how happy for you I'm feeling, but really, that's awesome!

    I hope you two can get in a good relationship. It's been your goal for some time now and it's coming around.

    Good luck! :D
  8. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Wow, I had a grin wide as an axe reading that. Is that an expression? Idk, but I had a big old grin. I'm pretty sure I squealed like a schoolgirl as well when you kissed, that's so exciting! Asides from that it reminds me about the magic that's out there in the real world. Another thing to fight for to avoid the clutches of PMO.
    Looking forward to hear more from you :)
  9. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

    this is awesome to read. Thank you for sharing, made me smile. i’m having a date next week and hopefully things turn out like how they turn out for you. I’m happy for you flying pizza. Sounds like you’re doing great. I love these stories, it’s nice to see a girls perspective on dates and guys haha
    Marskell and OrangeJuice13 like this.
  10. Lampard21

    Lampard21 Fapstronaut

    Reading your diary made me feel relaxed and hopeful.
    Keep it up!
  11. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY 297

    It's been a while. This post will be a bit difficult for me to write. I haven't relapsed. I don't crave porn anymore, which is great. It's just that it'll be a few difficult weeks ahead for me.

    So, I started going out with this man, let's call him Derek. We became official three weeks after we started dating. Everything was wonderful. He treated me with respect, we had meaningful conversations that were intellectually challenging, we had chemistry. Three weeks in, we became official. We started spending more and more time together, even though we lived in different cities. He would drive all the way to my city just to see me for a few hours, and put a lot of effort into making me feel cherished. I did feel cherished. I really did.

    Two months in, I told him I loved him. He didn't reply and I didn't mind because it felt so good saying that, and meaning it. I didn't care if he didn't love me back yet, I just wanted to say it. Shortly after, we made love for the first time. It hurt a bit, but it was wonderful. It truly was the first time I was able to enjoy physical intimacy, and I loved cuddling afterwards. I felt loved, even though he didn't say those words.

    Last night, he came pick me up at my parents, which is closer to his house, to drive me to the city where I live. I told him I could just take the bus in the morning so he wouldn't have to make such a long drive just to see me for an hour or two, but he insisted. The moment I got in the car, he held my hand, turned to me and said "Maybe you've noticed I've been acting a little weird lately?" I nodded. "I need to tell you something serious, OK? I don't think we should continue seeing each other romantically."

    Just like that. Out of nowhere. It took me a full five seconds to process his words, and ten to feel a knot in my throat and realize the implications of the message. When he said he wanted to tell me something serious, I literally thought that he might have been diagnosed with a health problem or something. I thought that the reason why he was acting weird was because of stress, since he has so much on his plate right now. I didn't think he would break up with me.

    He started driving and encouraged me to ask questions. For the next hour or so, we talked about the relationship and I asked why he needed to end it. It just felt out of the blue. He replied that we weren't perfect for each other. It was an odd phrase, but after some talking, this is what I think he meant: He cared for me. He was attracted to me. But for some reason, he did not fall in love with me and could not fall in love with me. He described that the feelings he had for me were less intense than what he had felt for other people, that he felt something was missing. He didn't know whether it was because he had had a 4-year relationship in the past and still had some baggage, or because he was struggling with depression (this I learned about two weeks prior to the breakup), which might have dulled his ability to feel in the first place.

    I think when he met me, he saw things in me that he liked and thought this could become something. As time passed, though, he probably noticed that the feeling he was looking for was not there. He might have tried to create it, to "fake it until he made it," so he acted like a devoted and loving boyfriend. But of course, you can't trick yourself into falling in love. It doesn't work like that. So, last night, he probably reached the conclusion that it was unfair to me, so he broke up with me.

    I think it was as painful for him to say it as it was for me to hear it. He cried a couple of times on the ride to my place. He said he still wanted me in his life as friends, but he understood if it was too much to ask. I replied that I didn't know if I could be just friends because what I felt for him was strong, but I would think about it and reply to him as soon as I was ready. We cried for a while, my head on his shoulder. Then we hugged and he left.

    Today was rough, due to lack of sleep and wild emotions. Now everything reminds me of him, and every memory I have of him reminds me that we're no longer together. I won't lie, it hurts a lot. I feel no ill-will towards him, but I do feel like there's someone squeezing my heart... and my stomach. I barely ate anything today. I'm surprised no one has created the heartbreak diet yet.

    But it's not something I can't overcome. I have come too far. I am stronger now. If I survived so many terrible things, for sure I can let time work its magic again and lessen the sting of this wound. Someday, maybe it won't hurt anymore. Someday, I'll look back and remember him fondly, as the first man I loved without fear. I wish nothing but the best for him.

    That's it for now. It sucks that I didn't bring good news, but if you're not meant to be, then there's nothing you can do but let go, heal, and try to find someone who will love you.
    Solomon435 likes this.
  12. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Holy cow!! Has it really been that long?! That's amazing! I remember when you had a reset, when September? You are totally rocking this! That's almost an entire year right there without PMO, and I am very proud of you for that!

    Not having the urge to PMO is great, but I know that you will need the strength and care you'll need right now. I've been in a situation like you before (though with the roles switched), and I know it will be hard for you.

    That was really powerful and very brave of you to say. It's hard for people to open up about emotions strong as that, and it is truly commendable you were able to make it that far. Some big congratulations on your way, even if it didn't work out now you know that you still have the capacity to feel real love.

    You are no robot! :D

    Let's just take a moment to compare to when you first started this journal; you were doing some dilation therapy and your view on close intimacy was one of fear and pain, but through many appointments and some by improving your mental health, what was then an act that would make your fearful and hurt is now something that you enjoyed, and while it only hurt a little that time, I'll bet soon it won't hurt at all.

    You're definitely grown a lot since then. Good job!

    And now comes the crash. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship, but I do agree with what you were saying. If you had to learn something from this it's that even though you had a rough past you were still able to enjoy a relationship with someone. That's pretty good! I'm sure next time you will find someone who will love you back, and you two will be happy together.

    That's true! It's gonna hurt now, but I find that sleep helps things get better. Don't sleep too much though or else it will prove to be even more unhealthy for you.

    That's true. Don't feel too bad about the lack of good news, the important thing is that you're still doing well despite what has happened. That's really good! I'm very proud of you. Good luck!
    FlyingPizza likes this.
  13. HopeForBrightFuture

    HopeForBrightFuture Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear about this. I suppose a positive is that he didn’t ghost you or string you along with excuses. It seems he cared enough to say it face to face.

    Thanks for checking in. I had been following your journal for a bit. Glad your facing these tough situations with maturity and growing from them. I’m still in infancy when it comes to relationships.

    Take care of yourself and keep up the positive attitude.
    FlyingPizza, Jim2015 and Solomon435 like this.
  14. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Interesting you posted yesterday. I was just thinking about you yesterday...wondering about you...how you've been doing. A few things come to mind here:

    A) First, I will say that I am so happy that your physical therapy to resolve the pain in your vagina yielded some positive results, that you can have intercourse that is more pleasurable than painful. That is so so promising.

    B) It is unfortunate that we live in such a rapid fire age that we just meet, greet, and we're in heat in what amounts to a moment in time. It is sad because while you were indeed in a state of intimacy, I can't see that he was. Far too often, and I'd been the same way as a young man, our objective would have been to get into your pants. That's no lie. That's the reality of the male mindset, and more so those who are in some state of sexual/pornography addiction.

    C) He did you a favor. If there is one thing I have learned, somebody who doesn't want to be with you, let them go...

    And ya know what? Of all the people on here, you are one of the ones of which I am most proud. Seriously, your progress is so significant and a real testament to others that "if you really want this, and you set your mind to succeed, you will succeed". You have become a very strong and resilient young woman through all of this, and you have much to be proud of. Yes, you will survive this and it too shall pass. You are a great catch, and anybody who doesn't see that in you, honestly, they aren't worth your time. Hold your head up high, and always take the high road. Those beneath it aren't worth more than anything else underneath.

    Great to hear from you again.
    FlyingPizza and Solomon435 like this.
  15. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut


    It's been a little over a week now. I'm feeling better for sure. I can think more clearly now, at least, and I can count my blessings.

    You know? The night Derek broke up with me, I couldn't really sleep. I texted a friend telling her what happened. She called Monday morning as soon as she read the text and promised she would stop by Tuesday night. I went to work feeling like a zombie, the whole day I had to fight back tears and hide so people wouldn't see my face. Once back home, I called my mom and told her what happened. She tried to cheer me up, but there isn't much to do when the wound is so fresh. We hung up and I resumed crying my eyes out.

    Tuesday came around. I didn't cry as much. I went to work. I went home. My roommate was already there, and so was my friend. We were talking about stuff and then suddenly I got a phone call. I pick up, and it's my mom... saying they were downstairs. My dad, mom and aunt drove all the way to my place from another city during rush hour to see me. They even brought the dog!

    I couldn't help it, I cried. I wasn't expecting such a thing. It's truly amazing how your loved ones can pick you up when you're at the bottom. I don't believe in God, but the only way I can describe how I felt is "blessed." Blessed to have a family who loved me, to have good friends, to have a roof over my head and food on my table, to have a job I enjoyed. There's truly no other way to describe the amount of luck I have.

    My aunt and the dog stayed in my place for the rest of the week. On Friday, my dad drove all the way here again to pick us up, so that we could spend the weekend together as a family.

    My mood soured a bit on Monday. I have become so used to being with Derek that I think I have forgotten how to be alone, and how to enjoy being with myself. I am rediscovering that now. I'm reading and watching a lot of motivational videos lately. I'm trying to challenge myself again. One thing I learned from conquering the demons of my past is that the struggle is where you really find yourself. Facing your own wretched self, with all the flaws only you know, is the first step towards coming to terms with them and loving yourself.
    Challenging yourself and overcoming your own shortcomings makes you realize that you're stronger than what you originally thought, and that what seems like a terrible thing now will look like a small hurdle in the future.

    Now that the emotions are not so raw, I keep analyzing the relationship in search for clues on what to avoid next time. What's tricky is that I always thought people could be judged by their actions. After all, talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. Derek's actions were extremely loud for anyone who watched, not only for me; my friends, both male and female, agreed that he was VERY into me. He never stood me up, always wanted to be with me, came pick me up despite living two hours away, and so on.

    I think he truly wanted a relationship, but wasn't emotionally ready. So many other people rely on him it's overwhelming. To make matters worse, he is the kind of person who always puts others' needs before his own; as a result, he doesn't take care of himself. It's affecting both his mental and physical health. If he continues on this path, he will reach the point of no return sooner rather than later.

    This might sound strange, but I think he is a lot like me before I started NoFap: a lot of unresolved issues, no confidence, no self-respect, no self-love, no hope for the future. Had I started a relationship back then, it probably would have failed.

    Part of me wants to accept his request to remain friends. He does need one. He helped me grow so much and discover so many sides of me I didn't know, I wish I could do it and help him grow, too. But I have to admit that, as a human being, I also have the impulse to commit acts of evil. Good friends are those who can genuinely celebrate your victories and pick you up when you're at the bottom. Will I be happy for him when he starts taking care of himself as he takes care of others? Of course. Will I celebrate when he starts taking antidepressants and feels hope for the future? Absolutely. Will I be able to genuinely congratulate him when he finds someone else, even though I'm right there?

    This is what makes me pause. I wish I could say I was perfect, a better person. But I am only human. I have to admit I probably wouldn't be a good friend to him because I could grow resentful. I need to learn from our relationship and let him go.

    There are a few things I can do for him. I can give him a link him to my journal; I did tell him I was abused and about my vaginismus, but I never told him I had been addicted to porn, the opportunity only arose once and I missed it. I think this might help him. I can write him a letter thanking him and giving him more resources so that he can start building the life he wants. I can even sit down with him and talk one last time; I do need to return some stuff. That's as far as I can go without putting myself in danger.

    I'll continue to put my thoughts in order. I think an appointment with the therapist would help me do that, to find out what's best for me and how to learn from this experience.

    Thank you guys for the incredible support you've given me from the very beginning. I'm sad the relationship didn't work, but the fact that I was even able to have one... It's nothing short of a miracle.

    Nah, it's only porn.I set the counter back to last time I actually watched porn. I wonder if I should set it to were I resetted, but I care very little at this point. I'm porn free and I'm not using masturbation as a proxy for real connections; in fact, I think last time I masturbated was two weeks ago. In other words, I reached my goal.

    Yeah, it doesn't feel pleasant. But at this point, I feel there's nothing I can't overcome.

    Lol, some of my friends were calling me crazy because I said it too soon! Perhaps it is so by American standards, but to me it was important for him to know that I loved him prior to having sex with him. I wish I had been more articulate and said it that way instead of clumsily mumbling "I wuv you" as we kissed, but I'm no actress. There's only so much I can do with my social awkwardness.

    Yeah, nothing short of remarkable... And this is not me bragging, it's just remarkable how much we can overcome and grow if we set our minds to it.

    Yes, I'll learn from this relationship and be more careful next time, take it slower. I think with Derek everything moved so quickly, perhaps he got scared or burned out. He didn't have the space he needed to actually grow fond of me.

    Thanks man. All the best to you :)

    Yes, I can't really complain about the breakup itself... I couldn't have thought of a more thoughtful breakup. It still hurt like hell, but he was very brave to speak the truth at that time.

    Thank you. I keep trying to use this very logic to dull the pain. It'll take time, but I'll manage. Yes, I am a catch. Yes, I am worthy of love. And yes, I deserve to find someone who will love me.

    Thanks for checking in and supporting me from the very beginning. I owe a lot of my success to you :)

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