26 y/o Trying to Turn Life Around

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by FlyingPizza, Jun 1, 2018.

  1. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY 34

    Urges were lower today. The amount of sexual thoughts has decreased. There were mainly images, and only a couple of them were violent. Generally, they weren't difficult to let go. Redirecting my attention towards writing certainly helps.

    What I'm having difficulty is fantasizing at the designated times. I chose them because I generally caught myself fantasizing during those periods, so I thought it would make it easier. However, I find it hard to fantasize on cue. I'm there thinking, "Oh, so dirty thoughts come to me all the time, but now that I need them, they won't come at all!"

    I'll keep at it, but it's proving difficult.

    Ah, yeah, that happens to me a lot. I wonder if when there's no fantasizing, it's just my natural sex drive, but it's hard to tell as of now. I know for sure the urge to watch porn is pretty much gone, but the desire for sexual gratification is still there and, according to the therapist, will always be there. It's normal for people with a healthy sex drive.

    It doesn't make it less annoying, though, especially if you don't have a partner at the moment.

    Same to you. You will get here and continue growing. Congrats on the double digits!
  2. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Phew, that's good. Things calming down for me as well.

    I'm trying to get my fantasies under control as well. The things that I'd do as a giver that I told you? I imagine them when I'm feeling bad and need something to pick me up, but now that I'm trying to summon them they don't wan't to come out.

    Yeah. But hey, if your drive gets that high then hey, bonus points for you and your partner when the time comes, right? At least, that's what I tell myself.

    Thank you. :) Glad to see you're becoming happier with the treatments you've done. I hope you find an excellent man to be happy with.

    Good job. :)
    FlyingPizza and OrangeJuice13 like this.
  3. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Whoa, those sounds like really intense withdrawals. Thank heck they're gone now am I right?? Good on you for pushing past all of that, it shows real strength and commitment!

    Well, making yourself think a certain thing at a certain time in a certain way with certain emotions attached to it is never gonna be easy. Maybe it shows that fantasizing is something that happens to you when you're relaxed and have nothing else occupying your mind? Maybe you could start your fantasizing sessions with a bit of relaxation then? I'm not sure what a good way to relax would be though.

    Sorry I haven't been keeping up with this journal, alerts are failing me.
    FlyingPizza likes this.
  4. dilligaf

    dilligaf Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your journey Flying Pizza. I also suffer with vaginismus, brought on in my case by anti-depressants. I have no idea how I am going to do the dilator exercises without fapping but your thread has indicated I can try mindfulness and distraction (as long as it is not P, which is what I was using!). You are an inspiration for me.
  5. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    Well, I pretty much fell off the face of the earth. Sorry for being so rude.

    Good news: I'm still porn free! Here's the most important stuff I have been doing:
    • Still doing dilation therapy. The next step is sex with a loving partner, but given that I'm not even dating, it will be a while. I'm afraid of regressing (which would suck after so much effort), so I keep doing it.
    • I'm porn free, but I did masturbate about 4 times in the month I have been gone. That said, I don't feel bad because I did it differently. I won't describe what I did for obvious reasons, but let's say it was a solo version of karezza. I noticed that after these 4 sessions, it was much easier to have positive fantasies and the amount of fantasies revolving on rape, molestation and other disturbing concepts decreased significantly. Now the fantasies focus on lovemaking, which is a win in my book even if they are as frequent.
    • I keep going to therapy. Now that fantasizing is getting easier to control, we have started talking about the trauma. Last session I talked about the potential miscarriage I had and how awful it made me feel. We also talked about how isolated I was because I had no friends at school, my dad was always working and mom was so strict sometimes I felt she only cared about grades and not about me. Because I like writing, the therapist suggested I wrote a letter to my 12-year-old self. It was a difficult exercise that took me almost a week to complete. The letter itself is not long, but it was heart-wrenching to do it. Anyhow, it's done. I wrote it in Spanish because my English sucked back then and I'm sure my 12-year-old self would have understood too little of it, but I'm translating it to take to my appointment tomorrow. Maybe I'll post it here tomorrow night.
    Anyhow, that's it! See you guys tomorrow :)
  6. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    She's alive! She's alive! :D

    I'm happy that your therapy is going so well. Your therapist is very good at her job it seems.

    Karezza is a new term for me, but after looking it up it sounds like a much purer and more fulfilling experience than one with PMO. Though I'll have to pass on that, since I'm trying to go through without masturbating or edging. Sounds like it was good though!

    It's very good to abstain from the final dilation step until you've found a loving partner. You've taken such good care of yourself that you'll be happy when the time comes.

    Glad to have you back! :)
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  7. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Reading about these positives really uplifted my day. Thank you for coming back on and sharing. I'm so so happy things have improved for you! Especially the progression onto loving fantasies, and not the other stuff you mentioned. You sound like you're really breaking new ground when it comes to the emotions hidden within you, congratulations Pizza!
    FlyingPizza likes this.
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Hey Girl!
    I was thinking about you the other day. It's good to hear from you. I'm glad things are on the up and up. Be careful about toying with the masturbation idea. It's so easy on that slippery slope. I'm glad to hear your dilation therapy is working for you and that you will indeed have a healthy sexual relationship in your future. You are a much stronger more resilient young woman than I first knew on here, and for that, I am so very proud of you. I have even tagged you for others to reach out to and look up to. Take care of you!
    FlyingPizza and OrangeJuice13 like this.
  9. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY ???

    I don't really know what day I'm on, lol. I joined this forum on Jun 1st and had been porn free for 11 days before that. That means it's been over 6 months since I started this journey. Whoa... What a ride.

    I had another appointment with the sex therapist today. We spoke a bit of the past, of how I was feeling, of the letter I wrote. Now that I have written it, she wants me to burn it as a symbol of me moving on.

    I was debating whether posting it here would be a good idea since the goal is to burn it, but thought it might help someone who is in a similar situation. Writing a letter to myself had a cathartic effect. If someone can use it as a template of sorts to achieve similar results, that would be awesome.

    So here it is:

    Dear FlyingPizza,

    It might seem strange to receive a letter from your older self. But here it is. I used a machine powered by glitter, unicorn tears and powdered imagination, patent pending. Building it wasn’t easy and took a long time, but it was important that I did this. There’s something I’d like to tell you.

    I’m so sorry you had to go through something so horrible. I know those were hard times for you. Your loved ones abused you, but you couldn’t tell anyone. You had no friends at school. Dad was working all the time. At home, mom was so strict you thought she only cared about grades; I know you cried a lot because everything seemed to indicate she wasn’t proud of you and, sometimes, that she didn’t love you.

    So you didn’t tell anyone, even though it was killing you inside.

    I wish I could go back in time and hold you tight, or at least talk to you so that you don’t feel so alone. Unfortunately, this machine only works with letters. I still haven’t discovered a way to send people to the past. Maybe unicorn hair will do the trick. More testing needed.

    So I can only tell you how much I love you and promise everything will get better. It’ll be many years before you dare to look back and seek help, but when you do, you’ll begin to understand that what happened back then was not your fault. You’ll stop feeling uncomfortable and scared when a man shows interest in you. You’ll dare to dream about the future. Most important of all, you'll become stronger, be proud of your own achievements and of the person you're growing into, and you’ll learn that you do deserve to be loved.

    Hang in there.

    Older FlyingPizza

    P.S. Don't buy an Xbox 360. It will break down. Also, bin Bitcoin, sell them in 2017. You'll know what I'm talking about in a few years.

    I think I'll be burning it on Friday.

    After sharing the letter, we talked about other things. We ended up talking about dating, primarily because my friends keep pushing me to get a Tinder account. They all got their boyfriends on Tinder. Part of me is still not convinced about the idea, partly because I don't like sharing my phone number with strangers and, let's face it, someone you meet on Tinder is a stranger. Well, it turns out that Google offers a service called Google Voice, which would allow me to use a number other than my personal cellphone number.

    I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm just making up excuses at this point. I keep thinking "I'm too tomboyish, I should learn to dress more feminine before I start dating" or "I've got too much baggage, no one would be interested" or "I'm too busy" or "I don't wanna meet people online, but I'm not sociable enough to meet them in real life." Maybe I'm just letting my insecurities get the best of me. In reality, I have done the work, the framework for recovery is there, I'm becoming stronger by the day so that my baggage is not a burden to me or anyone else. I should feel confident about what I have to bring to the table as a partner. What is there to lose?

    Glad to be back! And great to see you again!

    I definitely wouldn't recommend anyone in this forum masturbate. This was a little experiment I did. Remember I was struggling with negative fantasies and having positive fantasies? Well, I hypothesized it could be because it's been so long I've felt a loving touch, the memory was too vague for me to make the connection. Therefore, I caressed myself to try to reconnect with that.

    Did it work? Yes. The amount of negative fantasies has gone way down now that I have an anchor to positive touch. Even then, it's not something I would do daily, weekly or even monthly. It was a little experiment and it worked for me, but I don't think that many members here have the same issues I have.

    Karezza is an interesting concept, but save it for when you have a woman you love.

    Thank you! Good to know this little update made you feel good :D

    Great to see you around here!

    Yup, definitely avoiding it now. It was an experiment, it worked, but it's not something I intend to do frequently. It was more of a means to simulate loving touch so that my brain could make the connection to positive fantasies more easily.

    The therapist is recommending I stay away from porn for life. As for masturbation, she is recommending I stick to no more than once per week and in the way I previously mentioned.
  10. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I loved how in character your letter was. This has to be the best thing I've read all day. However, I can definitely tell how much this means to you and how this will help you. Plus, the symbolism of burning the letter was apparent! I'll have to do this myself.

    Thank you for your recommendation. I wasn't seriously considering it but I'm happy to hear it does have some benefits. It does sound like something to do with the woman I love, as you said.
    FlyingPizza likes this.
  11. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    For some reason, I keep thinking about this man I met at the hardware store about a month ago. I was shopping for supplies for my garden (cilantro is growing like weed, which is amazing because I love the stuff) and he helped me get everything I needed. He was smiling throughout, which is not a shocker for someone working with a customer, but he was also standing closer to me and being very chatty. It didn't make me uncomfortable.

    I went back a couple of weeks after we first met to get more stuff. We couldn't interact for long. He mentioned a bar that's really nice, but had to stop to help someone else. I wonder if he was trying to ask me out. And now I'm wondering if I should go back and ask him out. Part of me wants to. Another part is worried that because he's the employee and I'm the client, he might feel uncomfortable or obligated to accept somehow? Is there a rule of etiquette for something like this? Do I go with a bouquet of cilantro if I decide to ask him out?

    A side-note: I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I'm in the process of becoming more feminine. I think I have a strong natural preference for elements that are generally considered masculine. However, I hypothesize that the abuse made it more evident for the simple reason that I was subconsciously avoiding the attention of males. If I were comfortable with my current style, I wouldn't be looking at other women and wishing I could pull out a shorts + leggins combo or a nice skirt.

    So I have a little project. The goal is to buy a new item of clothing once a month that a) I love and b) makes me look feminine. I'm not doing makeup everyday, though. It's a darn waste of time.

    Just bought some shorts. I'm eager to wear them this weekend to a friend's birthday party.

    Well, it's not a major update, but this is what's been in my head.
  12. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    And C! You forgot C) makes you happy.

    Three times a charm. Don' t you have another project? I'm sure he can help set you up. I mean, if he doesn't after that, say "Hey, would you like to go get a cup of coffee sometime?" Make it simple. Make it open and public so that you get to know the real him and stay safe. If he's interested, he'll meet you there. I know I would if I was interested. I wouldn't hesitate. The cilantro is a nice touch too. Don't know what he'd do with it, but he would know you were thinking of him at least.
    FlyingPizza likes this.
  13. Freedom_lover

    Freedom_lover Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    Maybe you could go back to the hardware store under the pretext of buying something and see what happens, or invite him directly, which makes you feel more comfortable. The coriander bouquet would be a nice detail hahaha.

    That's cute.
    It's nice to look good, so it makes you feel good. There are clothes that can be comfortable and feminine at the same time, it's a matter of taking the time to look for clothes that you feel good about. good luck with that! ;)
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  14. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Aww, that's so sweet! I hope you know what to do. I hope you can be really happy with what you decide to do with this man. I hope he treats you right! You know, if the relationship goes anywhere. It's fine where it is now. You do what you feel like you should do.

    The project sounds like a really nice idea. As GW said you should also find the clothing that makes you happy. Anything you feel will make you feel better about yourself and your choices.

    All the best! :)
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  15. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    I am a moron. I forgot I had an appointment with the counselor today. I literally talked to her on Tuesday, then her secretary sent me a text yesterday to confirm the appointment. I was so preoccupied with work I just forgot today. I'm so ashamed about that. I hate being late to appointments and I have never forgotten once. Ever. Ugh.

    Today we were going to do hypnosis. This is something new we hadn't tried yet, particularly to reduce the amount of invasive thoughts. I was looking forward to it. how could I forget?

    I just sent her a message apologizing for being such a scatterbrain. I'll stop whining now, but I'm so frustrated... Ok, I'll stop whining. I won't let this ruin my day.

    Tomorrow I'll burn the letter to my younger self. And on Saturday I'll go back to the hardware store and see if I can ask the guy I spoke about out. Everyone here seems to support that idea. After all, what's there to lose?
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  16. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Hey, I feel you when you forget something. One time as I was working at the amusement park I was given the Miscellaneous position. That meant that I'd show up late and see if I was needed anywhere.

    So on that weekend I wake up at 8, get on the road at 9 and make it at 10, as usual. I saw the rides going and people were on those rides and I was confused. Then I remembered that it was the weekend. The park opens an hour earlier. I was a whole hour late for work on the busiest day of the week.

    So yeah, I get the frustration. :p

    I've done hypnosis before. Something I found out is that it only has as much power as you allow it. It's not like in movies where you stare at a pendulum and you're suddenly just a meat puppet. As long as you are open with it you'll be fine.

    Now to settle being late. I'm sure your therapist will understand. Best of luck!

    P.S. I hope your experience with the guy at the hardware store goes well for you. :)
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  17. Elias Smith

    Elias Smith Fapstronaut

    Loved your letter. Thanks for sharing it. I wish you so much "best" in your continuing therapy and the changes in your life. You are so positive, things are looking up for you.
    FlyingPizza likes this.
  18. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    Feeling a bit disappointed. I went to the hardware stuff, but the guy I like wasn't working today. The store doesn't open tomorrow. I don't know when I'll be able to go back.

    Well, that's that, I guess.

    In other news, today we'll be celebrating my best friend's boyfriend's birthday. I offered to bake a cake and ended up making a pineapple crumble cake... I'm saying "crumble" because I made an upside-down cake, but it crumbled when I tried to turn it over. :p

    I tried a little bit and it tastes good, so I hope he won't mind!

    Well, that's it for now. I'm off!
  19. Freedom_lover

    Freedom_lover Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    Don't give up!
    Maybe another day you have better luck ;)

    It sounds like a funny anecdote :p
    Good thing you could save the dessert.
    Enjoy the party!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  20. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I thought that was going to happen. At least you tried. Don't feel too bad though, it just means you'll have to try visiting again a different time!

    A pineapple "crumble" cake sounds pretty good. I hope he enjoys it.

    Have a good one!

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