26 y/o Trying to Turn Life Around

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by FlyingPizza, Jun 1, 2018.

  1. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY 28

    Almost thirty days! Hell yeah!

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    So, today was my second appointment with the sex therapist. Once more, we focused on my fantasizing. Frankly, it's been a good week in that regard. Generally, an image pops up and fades. I only had one truly intrusive fantasy today that took me a bit to get under control.

    Now she's giving me more to work on. Last week, she asked me to come up with 4 times a day I could allow myself a minute or two of fantasizing, sexually or non sexually, with a loving partner. This means that when those times come, I stop working or whatever and allow myself to get lost in an imaginary stroll while holding hands, a date at an ice-skating ring, an evening cooking and having dinner with him, etc.

    The idea here is to figure out what I would like to do and have done in such situations. Generally, there's a buildup to sex and intimacy. There are touches, there are whispers, there are gentle kisses. Because of porn, my brain has learned to jump straight to the climax with none of the buildup. As a result, I don't know what I like in that regard. I don't know how I would like to be pursued, seduced, or wooed. Also, I don't know what I would like to do pursue, seduce, and woo a man. I fantasize a lot about pleasuring a man I love, but it's generally sexual (or food-related, because food is love anyways).

    So, time to rewire my brain in that regard, too.

    Now, how do I stop fantasies from popping up outside of the allotted time-frames? Generally, I'll do what has served me well: I'll think of stories, write scenes in my head, etc. However, there are some fantasies, like the one I had today, that are harder to redirect and make go away. For those, she asked that I thought of something I really wanted, something my brain found incredibly rewarding. I told her I would like to stand up and run up and down the stairs because I spend so much time sitting down and am naturally active. So, when I have a "toughie," I can run for a bit. This should redirect my attention to the act of running itself and away from the fantasy.

    Our next appointment is in three weeks. Next week is too little time to truly become proficient at using these skills, and the appointment two weeks from now was already taken. So, three weeks it is.

    Oh, and here's my schedule for the week! Totally forgot to post it:

    upload_2018-10-3_22-1-23.png

    On my first appointment, the therapist and I had this little exchange:

    "What is the worst thing you think could happen if you shared this with someone you've been dating?"
    "He could think I'm too much trouble, that it's too much baggage, that I'm going to be a hassle..."
    "Rejection. That's what you fear, correct?"

    Deep down, that's what we all fear. It's such a powerful fear for us humans, but we need to find the strength to expose our struggle. I can tell you this: A woman who is worthy of you will not think less of you once you decide to disclose your fight to her, because that's what matters: You're fighting this, and you're going to beat it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2018
  2. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Geez, I feel like I'm cheating out of paying for a therapist whenever you talk about how cool it's been. Oh well, so far it sounds like you're getting just the thing you need!

    Thank you. I'm keeping high hopes that this'll be the case, and I have a good feeling it will. It'll make my job of finding the right gal, too. I know now that if she sticks around even after she reads my journal then I'll know that she genuinely loves me.

    You have a good day Pizza. :) All the best.
     
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  3. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY 29

    Man, what a day! I love my job because it allows me to use my creativity, but the deadlines can be brutal. In a way, it keeps it interesting. I can confirm that I didn't fantasize during the last couple of hours because I had to be laser-focused on what I was doing. After I delivered the task, I suddenly realized I had maintaining my focus for a long period of time...

    Whoa, it felt so good!

    There was some fantasizing this morning, but I didn't have to use my trump card (running up and down the stairs), so overall I would say it was a good day.
     
  4. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY 31

    I think I have made an important discovery!

    Remember how the therapist asked me to come up with 4 times a day I could experience positive fantasies, in which I was receiving pleasure from a loved one or giving him pleasure? She told me to make sure I switched between giving and receiving.

    Well, for some reason, I always see myself as the giver rather than the receiver. Suppose I am fantasizing on a date at a museum I really like. I fantasize about grabbing the man's hand and leading him. If the fantasy is sexual, I'm the one giving. That kinda stuff.

    So, it looks like even though I very much know how I would like to treat a partner, I can't think of anything he could do for me that I would absolutely love. I know the qualities I'm looking for in a man, but as for particular actions of love, I have no idea.

    Looks like it's time to enlist the help of the internet! I have a question for y'all, if you're up to it.

    If you're a woman reading this journal, what are some nice things you would like your boyfriend/husband to do for you that would make you feel love and cherished? What do you fantasize about (non-sexually)?

    If you're a man, what are some nice things you would like to do for your girlfriend/wife to make her feel loved and cherished? What do you fantasize about (non-sexually)?

    I'll do some research on my own, of course. It's time to read some girls magazines and watch a chick flick (ugh). But it would be nice yo have your thoughts :)
     
  5. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Me too! I always think about how I'd make my future wife happy and the kind of things I'd do to remind her that I love her and appreciate her. I can't remember the last time I fantasized about a lady doing the same for me. Then again, given the attitude for love and relationships around here I'm not surprised. I dunno, people around here seem to think that men are never supposed to be receivers and if the women have to be givers then the relationship is bad. I think I need to start switching up my giver/receiver fantasies as well.

    • Be a shoulder she needs when things go bad. Nobody wants to be alone when things are rough.
    • Say "I love you" often and appreciate her presence. She has about half of the human population to choose to love with all her heart and she chose me. Just thinking about that makes me feel good. So I should return the favor, because I have the other half of the world's population I could pick to love with all my heart and I picked her, and she should feel just as if not more happy for that.
    • Take her to my hometown. Most people around here don't really go out of state much. I'd love to take her to Southern California and take her to really cool places. Cayocus beach, the pier in the sunset, skate parks, the Mojave desert where I used to live, maybe a Jethawks game, Disneyland, and lots more. And if it gets hot for her we can go to a nice restaurant.
    • Give nice hugs. May tie in with the first one. Hugs feel really nice when you're down, and when you're not. And when you have them with the one you love, what's nite to like? I'm 6'2", so I imagine letting her head getting lost in my chest while we're embracing. Keeps us warm and makes you feel better!
    • Go Exploring. There's so many cool places to go to around town. We could put away our maps and just go where the road takes us, I could take her to this abandoned sewage plant (provided she can tolerate the smell. Cool place, smelly land!), try out a new restaurant, or go a little out of the state borders.
    • Playing a game with her. Maybe a board game could work, but I'm thinking doing bowling with her friends or doing a double date. Maybe take her to an Escape Room or two.
    • Making her favorite food and trying it for the first time. Me making her favorite food is something I like to think about. Then maybe trying it for myself to see what it's like.
    • Planning our own halves of a date. One date suggestion I got was to plan a date where we'd each plan a half of the date without telling the other, then combining it and doing it. Thinking about how I'd make her day really makes me feel good!
    That's some of the things I like to think about as the giver. I'll have to see what some of the women reply with here so I can try out the activity your councillor suggested.

    Also, to get more responses, I tag @OrangeJuice13 @damhan @Retro Girl @Newgirl @SpiritAnimal and @Mindy to put their two cents in. I hope they can help you out.

    All the best! Keep that streak going!
     
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  6. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    Oh my goodness what more could I add? You have nailed it except for the abandoned sewege land (although as a giver I would probably have to do it if my man really wanted to I'd just put on a mask) My favorite is "letting her head get lost in my chest" I melted when I read that. I believe that if a relationship is going to work both have to be big time givers and not keep tabs on who's giving the most. Receiving is great but giving is awesome. Great list Mr Solomon!!!
     
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  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Remember what I said about forgiveness...

    Have a great weekend
     
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  8. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Oops, I had a completely different example for that but my mind slipped. Let me try again:

    There's a path through a forest on the mountainside that me and my family like to early October. I'd like to take a girl up there and maybe go on a nice picnic.
     
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  9. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Dang, my man Solomon pretty much sums it up. But I'll give it a shot anyways.
    I suppose there are few things like cuddling and hand holding. Having my arm around her, wrapped in tight, especially if its cold and we're using each other for warmth, and holding her hand with my other hand, playing with her fingers. Maybe beneath a starry sky, maybe by a warm fireplace out of reach of the battering rain. Kissing her neck, her ears (idk sounds weird but I think it's really nice), her lips. Getting lost in her eyes, trying to look inside them and feel the soul within. Talking with her about the big things; life, passions, meaning.
    I'm a real private fella, and usually if I really like a girl, I'll tell her things about myself that I wouldn't to anyone else. Though this only has effect if she knows beforehand how private I am.
    I want to take her out adventuring and exploring, discovering serene, or simply really cool places together. Being able to share the best parts of my life with her. Though maybe most of all I'd love to be the person who's there for her, someone she can talk to about her problems, her worries, her fears, her grief. Used to be terrified of emotion but now that I see its one of the most beautiful things there is, I yearn for being able to be there for someone important to me.

    And as for giving and receiving, I notice Solomon there feels the same, and I think I do. I don't know if you're a virgin, but maybe it's to do with that? It's easier to imagine something we already know, so imagining giving becomes simpler than imagining receiving?
     
  10. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    That sounds much better, but even non-romantic places like the sewer can turn out to be fun gotta keep your options open. You did nothing wrong by suggesting something that you seem to enjoy. Planning too much for perfection doesn't always guarantee good outcomes. As long as there is love and respect you'll be happy no matter where you're at. :)
     
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2018
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  11. Newgirl

    Newgirl Fapstronaut

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    Very nice post as well, you are willing to listen to your girl with attentiveness and to share your deepest emotions with her now that's true intimacy :)
     
  12. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    Whoa, I didn't expect the responses to be this good!

    Yeah, I have noticed that! A lot of women I know think that men must be the pursuers/givers, and if a man does not pursue a woman (all the time), then he isn't worthy of her. I think it sets the expectation that a man doesn't want to be pursuer/the receiver from time to time, and that there's nothing a woman has to do to make sure he knows his love is reciprocated. I don't think that's very healthy for a long-term relationship.


    Being there for her when she needs it is wonderful. And what you wrote about the hugs was truly heartwarming. I closed my eyes for a bit and thought that would feel nice. It would be nice to be held like that by a guy I liked.

    The sewage plant just made me giggle. Everything you were saying was so romantic until that point :p

    Thank you!

    You just gave me an image that made me pause. My head on the shoulder of the man I love, his arm wrapped around me as we quietly watch the fire under a starry sky. That to me sounds lovely.

    I think that's what pretty much everyone here is a afraid of, but secretly yearns. We cant to be able to be open with someone in real life, but it's difficult because we have a lot of baggage.

    Not a virgin. I have been the receiver in my relationships, and most guys I have dated were very tender. They have stroked my hair, caressed my face while gazing into my eyes, kissed my forehead, my eyelids, my lips. They have held me gently. I loved things like that. It's just that its hard for me to fantasize about that, not because I don't crave that sort of contact, but because porn has elevated my baseline for what is normal, those things might not do it anymore. It could also be that I associate those tender touches with the pain I caused my partners in the end with my silence. Perhaps I see myself as the giver because I'm a nurturing person. Or it could also be that I feel like I'm atoning for my past mistakes, and that it's up to me to make sure my partner knows that I love him. Who knows? That would be an interesting thing to talk with the therapist.

    I agree. That's a lovely bond to have with someone :)

    I'll make sure I never forget it. It might take some time, but I'll forgive my parents and those who have wronged me.
     
  13. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Yeah. That's what makes finding the right person so hard. I really wish I could realize that a good relationship takes both to be a giver/receiver. That's a lesson I think I need to learn the most. Then again, that's why I'm trying out the fantasy treatment as well. I think that by accepting that yes, it's okay to be a receiver and to take a break of being the giver from time to time that could be a huge step to my self esteem recovery.

    I'm glad that helped you. I often think about how great it makes me feel to be there for a lady when she needs it. And then she presses her head against my heart and knows that I'm alive and there for her. And it gets better if we're both sitting down. Our chests are close and we feel each other's heartbeat until they both beat as one, knowing that We're together and that we love each other.

    I feel inside joke potential here.

    Your welcome. :)
     
  14. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Actually I'm pretty curious what @Lollipop101 would say in response to your question. Mind if you got one more person to chip in?
     
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  15. Lollipop101

    Lollipop101 Fapstronaut

    I have been tagged lol (Thanks @Solomon435) - but anyways to answer the first part of your question - there's a lot lol. I'm also what some people might call a romantic so
    -I think going out for nice dates is one thing - like to the movies or dinner (I love amusement parks so I would probably pick that out of all the other options lol)
    -Just sending sweet messages is another thing
    - A lot of little stuff to just to show that they care - like giving me their jacket or something
    - Also like cuddling and hugging too
    - It doesn't have to be big stuff - little things sometimes mean a lot more and they add up to so like telling you they love you or wishing you a good nights sleep and then maybe the occasional big thing like tickets to the local carnival

    Now the second part of your question - I have a lot of cheesy fantasies lol and mine for the most are non sexual so but it's just a lot of simple cute stuff - Going out places and holding hands - looking at each other with just that look that people in love have - laughing together - cuddling on the couch - casually flirting with each other - getting pulled into a warm embrace - just feeling them being there and just enjoying the moments you have together. I say this with a certain person in mind but I won't disclose that person right now lol

    I'm not sure if I'm a giver or receiver - I'm not really independent so I guess I'm the receiver? I'm going to go read some other people's responses and maybe go and give a more detail response to your question but for now that's what I got - I'm pretty simple minded so but anyways I hope this helps or gives you some more ideas!
     
  16. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    I think you might be right. Maybe you see yourself as a giver because making other people happy makes you happier than being happy yourself :emoji_joy:
    Having said all that, my whole theory about virginity breaks down because I fantasized about receiving a few days ago lol.

    Got to say, reading all these responses and all your comments has been one of the most interesting things ever. It feels like a weird conversation to have with someone irl, but it's really so fascinating to find out about how everyone feels about this stuff!
     
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  17. legendsneverdie

    legendsneverdie Fapstronaut

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    Thanks i learned a lot hehe
     
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  18. legendsneverdie

    legendsneverdie Fapstronaut

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    me precisely xD
     
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  19. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY 33

    Thank you everyone for your responses! You guys have been very helpful. Today I did fantasize about me grabbing my partners hands and leading them to my face so he could caress my cheeks. I was definitely leading the action, but I was also on the receiving end of it, so let's count that as a win? Yup, I'm counting that as a win.

    As for urges and general fantasizing, they are higher than usual because I'm menstruating. Hormones always wreak havoc in my body. They bring more fantasies and more of the kind that I definitely don't want. Any other time of the month, my fantasies are numerous but tame. They get more disruptive when I'm ovulating or close to my period; I also get a surge in violent fantasies.

    That said, I am positive there's been a significant decrease in them since joining NoFap. Maybe a 75% decrease? I remember the first days off porn I was thinking about it non-stop and suffering from some pretty mean withdrawal symptoms: salivation, shaking, lack of focus, intense cravings... But those are gone now. I'm hoping the sexual thoughts will decrease a bit more, but even if they don't, at least now I can focus rather well at my job and I don't feel like I'm wasting my life. That's a big win!
     
  20. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Your welcome! Let us know if you need any more help! :)

    I've been having a hard time as well. My drive has gone through the roof and I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm not even fantasizing, either. It's just there. I don't like it either.

    Awesome! You're making wonderful strides in how far you've come since then. I hope I can get there, too.

    All the best! Keep us posted! :)
     
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