26 y/o Trying to Turn Life Around

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by FlyingPizza, Jun 1, 2018.

  1. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    I thought I would create a journal to keep a record of my progress and help me stay accountable. Some background:

    I started watching/reading porn when I was 11-12, but I think it affected my life at a younger age. I remember being 6 or 7 and being touched/penetrated by cousins who were a couple of years older than me. These activities continued until I was 12 and learned that sex could get me pregnant. Mind you, I had been having periods since the year before, that's how dangerous it was.

    I'm not too keen on calling it abuse because they acted on something they weren't ready to process, but their actions certainly influenced my view on sex: It was something unpleasant and painful; it was humiliating at times, because I had to do things that I didn't like or felt gross to me.

    When I tried to have sex in my late teens, it was still painful. After trying it with different partners as an adult, I ended up shying from dating and intimacy entirely to avoid myself the heartbreak and the feelings of failure, not to mention hurting my partners with my inability to be intimate.

    This is when my porn usage truly skyrocketed. I mainly started with "romantic" porn, because it was the closest to what I wanted to achieve, but I quickly got used to it and moved on to other genres. Some of them disturbing.

    I eventually realized that porn had become everything I thought about. Lately, I have been at work and thinking about masturbating. I can't focus on anything anymore. And, of course, I have been using it as a substitute for real, human relationships.

    Frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of avoiding the problem, of being ashamed of it. I'm going on a no PMO challenge for 6 months to reboot and I will get the support I need to be able to have sex normally. I want to fall in love with someone and not dread the moment we get into bed. I want to stop thinking about this and feel disgusted with myself.

    This is day 11 of my challenge. Cravings have been bad, but not unbearable. I'm waiting for the gynecologist's office to open to schedule an appointment and ask her what's wrong downstairs.

    Wish me luck :)

    --------MILESTONES--------

    Day 14: Finding My Why
    Day 19: Set Goals Woth Pursuing
    Day 21: Created a Schedule
    Day 30: ONE MONTH OF NO PMO!
    Day 33: Appointment with the Gynecologist
    Day 46: First Appointment with the Physical Therapist
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2018
  2. laststraw8921

    laststraw8921 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck. Make every day matter. You'll be fine.
     
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  3. Teuthtobetold1

    Teuthtobetold1 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck!
     
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  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Welcome @FlyingPizza

    OK, make no mistake about it, and whether you are keen on it or not, this was “sex abuse”. I’m so sorry you endured the unpleasantness, painfulness, humiliation, and having to do things that felt gross to you. I’m so sorry!

    The painful nature of your sexual activity is somewhat troubling to me. Have you seen a Gynecologist about this problem?

    This is so very typical in addiction. When the newness of the activity wears off, the addict seeks more extreme, more dangerous, more disgusting activities to achieve what they can no longer achieve from before. It works the same way an addict continues to migrate toward harder more powerful drugs to get the same affect.

    YEP

    OK, here’s where you need to take note. First of all, this is great. You’re at a place where you have identified and accepted there is a problem. Congratulations, you just completed Step 1 of the 12 Steps.

    Check your shame and guilt at the door. Go check out Brene’ Brown’s discussions surrounding “shame”. “Shame cannot out survive empathy” Are you feeling the empathy here?

    Instead of jumpting into a “…no PMO challenge for 6 months…”, why don’t you consider setting your bar at 1 day at a time. And then each time you hit your bar, double it. 6 months is a very tall order for someone who has just begun their recovery. It is a noble cause, but manage your expectations accordingly. It is likely you will fail and relapse. So I want to encourage you to jump back into the saddle and ride again when you fall of the proverbial horse.

    Learn not to focus on sex and focus on intimacy. You want a relationship built on that. You want sex as a function of intimacy because you well never really attain intimacy as a function of sex.

    If you are not currently with someone, put it on the back burner and out of your mind. Focus on your recovery. You’re in a good place to recover not being in a current relationship. And as far as relationships go, just relax, and let it occur naturally. I would seriously consider giving it at least 90 days before you get sexually involved. Can you imagine the sexual intensity buildup that would occur if you abstained while building the relationship on intimacy?

    Well, I guess I jumped the gun on the whole gynecologist recommendation. Glad you have your appointments set on your agenda. I’m also glad you are 11 days into recovery. That’s a great start. Like I said, take it one day at a time. As long as you can keep going without relapse keep going. For every day you recover, it’s another day your brain has had time to heal.

    Make sure you have someone you can call one if your cravings get too unbearable.

    Resourse: Lots of resources at your disposal starting at @Kenzi & @AnonymousAnnaXOXO’s posted messages. Both have great resources available on their timelines. You have a lot of very knowledgeable people on here. Use them. They will be happy to share with you. In the meantime, if there is anything I can do to help you, please reach out and I will be happy to do whatever I can.

    Have a great day!
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2018
  5. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your kind words.

    Not yet. I was so ashamed about this that I didn't even talk to the gyno about it when I got annual checkups, and they did not report anything wrong with me. In any case, I have to be open about this problem now and see what might be wrong.

    I tried to schedule an appointment on Friday, but the office remains closed those days. According to the all-knowing Google, the gynecologist I'm trying to schedule with also sees patients who have problems maintaining sexual relations due to pain, which is why I want her. I'll try to schedule on Tuesday, when she opens. In the meantime, I am doing research on my own to be better informed as to what might be the cause of my pain.

    This is true. I just thought that since 90 days is the gold standard and I might need more time, it would be a good idea to double it. In reality, I have no idea how long it will take me to recover; chances are I'll be fighting the urge to watch porn/masturbate for a very long time. Taking it one day at a time and being mindful of the way I feel would probably be more helpful to my recovery. Thank you!

    This is true. What I truly want is intimacy, not sex for the sake of sex. Thank you.

    Single at the moment. I have no intention of looking for a partner in the next months or so. I need to focus on myself. This conditioning I have against sex and intimacy has hurt my partners as well because I would just bear the pain instead of telling them they were hurting me. Mind you, all of them were tender and wanted to give me pleasure, it's not like they were rough. But I would just pretend that everything was fine and they would pick up on my dishonesty, which destroyed any chance of intimacy. I need to learn to not be ashamed of this, be mindful and honest, and focus on my recovery before attempting a relationship. Doing so before would be selfish of me.

    This is something I still have to do. I need an accountability partner. I have a guy friend who can help. I know he wouldn't judge me and would help me recover.

    Thank you! Thank you for being so welcoming and open.
     
  6. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY 13

    I'm feeling content and optimistic. I'm not happy with my current situation, but I'm confident that the path I'm taking right now will lead me to a better version of myself.

    Urges to masturbate have been nonexistant this weekend. I have had a couple of sexual thoughts, but they have been easy to ignore. I have kept myself busy with friends and family, so my brain hasn't had much of an opportunity to tempt me.

    I have also been doing some research on the reason for my pain. It only occurs on penetration, and only by something larger than a tampon or a finger. I still need the gynecologist to see me and rule out any physical issues, but given my history of trauma and the nature of the pain, I think it is most likely vaginismus. Here's what I found on the net:

    For many women, vaginismus comes as a surprise; unexplained tightness, discomfort, pain, and entry problems are unexpectedly experienced during intercourse attempts. The pain results from the tightening of the muscles around the vagina (PC muscles). Since this occurs without the conscious intent or control of the woman, it can be very perplexing.

    Reacting to the anticipation of pain, the body automatically tightens the vaginal muscles, bracing to protect itself from harm. Sex becomes uncomfortable or painful, and entry may be more difficult or impossible depending upon the severity of this tightened state. With attempts at sex, any resulting discomfort further reinforces the reflex response so that it intensifies more. The body experiences increased pain and reacts by bracing more on an ongoing basis, further entrenching this response and creating a vaginismus cycle of pain.
    If this is what is affecting me, then no expensive surgery or treatment would be necessary. I can treat this with therapy that I can do at home to rewire my brain, so that my body understands that penetration is not painful. That is quite heartening. I was dreading surgery.
     
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  7. Teuthtobetold1

    Teuthtobetold1 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck! Lets rewire so that all of us can get our normal self back!
     
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  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    I know what a monumental step this was for you to come out and talk about this subject matter in public. I'm excited for you for two reasons: A) You're now feeling more at ease to be able to talk about these things that are issues in your life and B) If anyone has any experience with this, I'm sure they will speak up and provide you with some valuable input and support. Kudos to you young lady!
     
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  9. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    Thank you!

    Thank you. I'm excited about this journey as well. I'm sure there must be someone out there with a similar experience to mine, even if they haven't come forward. If they're battling with this, I'm hoping that they find this journal and feel as hopeful as I feel right now.

    Will see what tomorrow holds. All the best to you!
     
  10. Pastoress

    Pastoress Fapstronaut

    I am glad you’re here.

    There was a video clip I saw where someone made the distinction between fault and responsibility. It was not your fault that your cousins misused you and your (undeveloped) sexuality. It was not your fault that your parents/guardians didn’t put an end to it and get you help. It is not your fault that your sense of sexuality and intimacy were skewed. But it is your responsibility to respond now that you are an adult. And here you are, making responsible and courageous choices. Welcome.
     
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  11. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    Yes, I think this is one of the reasons I didn't seek help. I felt like it was my fault, somehow. It's a shame it took me so long to understand that I wasn't responsible for what happened to me, but I'm still responsible for my response, for the path I take while healing. Thank you for the warm welcome.

    DAY 14


    Wow. It's hard to believe I actually made it without porn and masturbation for two weeks. TWO WHOLE WEEKS, GUYS!

    Not gonna lie. I'm still constantly at risk of fantasizing. I can't just lie on my bed and do nothing because temptation creeps in and I'll revive scenes I have watched (some of them disgusting and quite disturbing), so I have to be busy until I collapse. I still can't focus for a good ten minutes. Even so, progress is there, as small as it is, and I know it will grow exponentially. I'll become more confident in myself, I'll heal from the trauma, I'll discover what intimacy and a healthy sexuality truly are. As hard as resisting the urges is, I'm exited about the future, so I'm able to hold them off.

    Since we are on the topic, I think the most important thing in this entire journey is to have a big why. For a long time, I knew porn was wrong, I knew what it had done to me and to many other people. Still, I continued to do it. To crave it. To consume it in such quantities the windows in the browser were so thin I couldn't read the titles. I knew it was bad and that it was hurting me, but I still did it.

    Then I hit rock bottom. I came across the term porn addiction. "That can't be true. Porn isn't addictive. I can stop whenever I want", I thought, as I opened a porn site and binged on questionable videos. But after I climaxed, I looked at how tiny those windows in the browser were. Almost microscopic. Seriously, you could barely see them. And I became so disgusted with myself, so utterly revolted, I realized I had to stop. Not doing so would destroy my self-image, self-respect and self-everything in such a way I would not be able to cope with it. I just couldn't live being such a disgusting excuse of a person.

    It's kinda funny, in a sick and twisted way. It would be so easy to quit before the habit starts, or when it's still new. I could have avoided this, by being open with my partners about my pain, by allowing myself to be vulnerable and seeking help. Wish I was wise enough to realize this and avoid the blasted thing before it entrenched so deeply.

    But no, you have to hit rock bottom. You have to be afraid of losing everything. You have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. You have to be disgusted with your current self and, at the same time, love the future you that will only exist if you follow this path, as hard as it is. You have to find a big why, one that will keep you going even after you relapse.

    It's amazing how self-love and self-hatred can coexist like this, but they can. I'm just glad to be breaking the cycle. I don't know if I'll ever be able to openly discuss about my addiction and my trauma, not without the protection of anonymity. But at the very least, one day, I'll look back and be proud of the steps I'm taking right now, as hard and painful as they are.

    Now, if you'll excuse me...

    [​IMG]
     
  12. RingoRules

    RingoRules Fapstronaut

    Thank you for posting. You can do it. We are here to help each other.
     
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  13. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY 15

    Rough day. I did my morning routine (exercise, shower, reading) and then I waited for the GYN's office to open to schedule an appointment. When I called, they told me their earliest available date was in late November.

    Aw, man.

    I called my second pick. Before I even asked about the dates, they warned that my insurance would most likely cover the visit, but they also charged a 100 fee for using the hospital, which insurances typically did not cover. I told them I would call back once I confirmed with my insurance if the fee was covered or not, hung up, realized I was late for work and rushed out.

    Stress was high at my job in the morning. As a result, I kept thinking of sex and felt a strong urge to masturbate. I ended up taking putting my earbuds and listening to music to calm down. Luckily, urges subsided in the afternoon. When I got home and called my insurance, they were already closed.

    So, the day didn't go as planned. I'll try to set up and appointment tomorrow.
     
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  14. _Xavier_

    _Xavier_ Fapstronaut

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    I'm very sorry for your terrible experiences. I easily get mad reading and hearing these stories. How can parents be so actively ignorant of the fact that if they do not protect their children fiercely, bad things are likely to be done to their children? This is unfortunately so common it is hard to believe. About 50% of girls (about 30% of boys) in single-parent homes "end up" getting sexually abused by the age of 18. And parents still seem to hand their kids out like business cards to strangers to be babysat, schooled, coached, etc. while this fact is hidden and not talked about. And because of this, I think the effects this abuse has on the world cannot even be calculated. Silence is very expensive... A lot of shooters have had this happen to them and they were ignored.

    If you are forced to do something as you say in your post, "I had to do things that I didn't like or felt gross to me," that is pure abuse whether or not the person doing it was an adult. Quite plainly that was evil. If at age 12 your cousins were 15 or 16 I believe they could have been put into a national pedophile tracking database. It is a seriously wrong thing to do and it has serious consequences for the victim. I also want to point out that defending your abusers like you do here, "I'm not too keen on calling it abuse because they acted on something they weren't ready to process," is a common response among abuse victims (me included until I stopped). It will end up leaving you with the blame rather than the abuser, which I think is totally unjust.

    This video is on abuse in general, but according to the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) study, which is one source for this presentation, the sexual abuse of children is a big part of the problem. Get your ACE score: http://www.acestudy.org/the-ace-score.html.
    ACE's can:
    • increase your risk for cancer by almost 50%
    • decrease your lifespan by 20 years!
    • greatly increase your risk for drug addiction, alcohol addiction, criminality, promiscuity (I'm guess porn could be included), suicide, depression, anxiety, etc.
    • increase your risk for diseases such as heart disease


    I hope this is enlightening and useful to you in some way. You are on the right track I think. Good work on quitting. I implore everyone to get the word out and spread this video. It is as if society is deaf, blind, and mute to the basic need for children not to be abused. I scored at least 6 on the ACE test and its not easy picking up after that kind of mess!
     
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  15. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    Unfortunately, I wasn't in a situation that was "high risk", so my parents did not suspect this at all. The abuse usually occurred at family reunions. The adults sat down and talked while us kids went somewhere else to play, usually in the garden. We would play, then my cousins might or might not start touching me in sexual ways or penetrating me, and then we would go back to playing.

    My parents would have doubted an uncle. They wouldn't have doubted their 7-8 year old nephews. Abusers below the age of 10 are extremely rare.

    Perhaps I am defending my abusers. However, I am not blaming myself for what happened. I'm blaming porn and lack of adult intervention due to ignorance. When a child goes and smacks another one in front of an adult, the adult can easily educate the child on the spot. When a child watches porn and the adult is not there to guide him, then what can we expect?

    Also, lack of sex education and body awareness played a huge role. My cousins were as uninformed about sex and sexuality as I was, even when they reached 14. They didn't know sex could get me pregnant or that it hurt me; I do not remember ever mentioning that it hurt, or crying, or even complaining. I remember thinking "Oh, ok, now we have to play that, then we can go back to playing the other stuff that I like."

    Lastly, I believe that circumstances and intention matters. When someone kills a person, their intention and the circumstances of the killing is what leads the system to label the act a justifiable homicide, manslaughter or murder, even though the outcome is the same: A person is dead. There is no such thing as justifiable rape, but given my history, it is very likely that somewhere, there is a girl being raped without knowing she is being raped and a boy who is raping without knowing he is raping. I view them both as victims of porn.

    Thank you for the video. I'll go ahead and watch it, and share it afterwards. I scored a 1 in the scale, probably because most questions placed an adult as the abusive figure. Even the question that seems to be the closest to my situation does not apply:

    3. Did an adult person at least 5 years older than you ever…Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you? If yes enter 1 ________​
     
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  16. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY 16

    Another rough morning. I scheduled a visit with a gynecologist... on September 12.

    In a private conversation with @GhostWriter, I realized that in order to beat this, I'm going to need a full medical evaluation to rule out anything that could put my health or life in jeopardy; unlikely, but it can be the case and it needs to be done. That said, it looks like getting one with my insurance might be harder than I thought. Everyone has a wait list of at least 3 months. First time in my life I have had to wait that long for someone to get a finger in me (Sorrynotsorry, crude humor is the way I deal with stress.)

    I called my primary doctor asking for a referral to a knowledgeable gynecologist and, unfortunately, she didn't know anyone with experience, but did give me a referral. I could:
    1. Call my insurance. With the referral from my primary, maybe I can still convince the insurance company to cover for a well-woman visit even if it's out of network. If I succeed, I can start calling gynecologists that are out of network.
    2. Resign myself and wait. Use the time to find a therapist that can help me tackle other aspects of my problem, such as my trauma and porn addiction.
    3. Start calling gynecologists that I ruled out at first (because they had lower reviews online, were males, were much older than me) and just take whichever is available first, just to rule out any medical problems that could threaten my life or health.
    So, those are my options for now. Writing this journal certainly helps me organize my ideas. I'mm discuss it with my pillow and take action tomorrow.
     
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  17. _Xavier_

    _Xavier_ Fapstronaut

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    I am glad you only scored a 1. It stated on the site that you could put a 1 down for question #3 if you thought it was necessary, but if you don't think so that is up to your judgment.

    As for the parents not knowing - it is the parents' job to protect their kids and to know when something is off by seeing a change in mood, posture, etc. If this is a strong memory that you have, I don't think you would have been acting the same as right before it happened. For a parent to miss that and let this go on is pretty terrible I think. The information is out there that there are predators and some of them are kids.

    I'm very low on sleep right now so this will be challenging for me to piece together right, but here we go - As far as your cousins not knowing they were hurting you - I don't know how that is possible. We are social animals. We know when someone doesn't like something. We are conscious of if we are crossing the line. Whether we are 10 or 80 years old, we know. Your cousins ignored that for their own desire. They ignored your preferences to satisfy their preferences. That is coercion. That is force. Whether or not I knew that shooting someone was wrong, I still shot that person against their will. I think equating this to accidentally/negligently killing someone with their car is a poor comparison, because someone driving their car does not intend to kill anyone, while your cousins intended to get something that they wanted at your expense.

    I will admit I know very little of your situation, so you are still the one who will decide of course, but I will say this. I didn't know what the F word meant until I was 12. It didn't take me very long after that to figure out that thats what gets women pregnant. Probably less than a month. Your cousins sound like they knew a lot more than me at that age. I used to play dumb to fool people. It probably came from a bad place, but I was pretty good at it and it got me what I wanted.

    As a final kind of point here, I'm standing my ground here because If I (as your father) had found this being done to you at the age of 6 or 7, to think I would excuse the boys by saying to you, "They didn't know what they were doing," would be beyond ridiculous to me!! I would immediately apologize that I had been so foolish to let you out of my sight and protection. And I would make sure to never let you out of my sight as long as you were vulnerable and keep my promise to never let those boys around you again. And I would get you to some sort of therapy to try to undo whatever psychological damage had been done on my watch. Having a sexual experience this early in life is terrible for your odds of a stable marriage. It multiplies your odds for contracting an STD, having a child out of wedlock, being stuck in poverty, etc. (keep in mind that this is just odds and doesn't "doom" you to any particular fate). Out of respect for your 6 or 7 year old self, I do not accept your excuses for your cousins' behavior and your parents' ignorance. Much of this information has been available for more than a decade. If you let your child starve.. you are responsible. If you let them get abused by someone... you are responsible.

    I hope you accept my respect for your 6 or 7 year old self and I hope you can respect your past self too by not excusing this coercive behavior of your cousins and the negligent behavior of your parents. Someone that negligently kills someone else usually still gets in big trouble I should add. I could be wrong about everything here. I'm an amateur after all so take this with a grain of salt, but I think I'm pretty good at this.

    Maybe some questions for your own personal reflection could be:
    Do I let coercive people into my life that ignore my preferences?
    Have I been able to figure out my preferences or are they hard to figure out and if so why?
    Do I feel the need to fulfill other people's preferences before my own?
    Do I feel anxious if I speak up with my own preferences when someone might disapprove?

    Anyway, my own struggle is helping (or trying help) other people and not myself. I have to exit the conversation for my own sake. Thank you for your generous response.
     
  18. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    Ah, this is what I get for not reading the instructions properly. In that case, you're right. That's a 2.

    Unlikely. I was diagnosed autistic at age 22. I did not have the typical signs you see in movies and I lived in the sticks in a third world country; with no specialists nearby, it went undiagnosed. One of the ways it manifests itself is detachment from most things and dulled outward emotional response. I had to take roleplay classes once diagnosed to become more proficient at expressing my thoughts and emotions effectively. That included body language. I express myself easily now, and more naturally; I rarely have to think about it anymore.

    It sounds like you would be a wonderful father. A child would be truly lucky to have you.

    I don't think we'll truly reach an agreement here. I do not view my cousins as evil, even though they were at fault. I do not view my parents as neglectful, even though they were responsible. Perhaps there is something wrong with me, but I cannot bring myself to hate them, or even be angry at them. This is something I should discuss with a therapist. Maybe it's nothing but denial, or some other unhealthy mechanism to cope.

    Thank you for trying to help. All the best to you.

    DAYS 17 AND 18
    I was too stressed trying to schedule appointments with the right specialists, so I decided to let go for a bit and relax. I spent most of my free time with my closest friends, and reconnecting with those I haven't seen in a while. I feel uplifted now. Urges have been low to non-existent.
     
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  19. FlyingPizza

    FlyingPizza Fapstronaut

    DAY 19

    I was dreading today. I usually stay home and clean/do laundry/cook on Saturdays and Sundays. I feared that being alone, in my own apartment, in my own room, would make the urges unbearable.

    To burn energy, I went out for a bike in the morning, then returned home to grab everything I needed to run some errands; I decided to bike instead of taking the car, to burn even more energy (I slightly regret it now. I can barely walk.) I think I spent two hours biking, which is not bad at all.

    A homeless guy was begging for food. I bought him something. That made me feel pretty good about myself. I want to become more charitable, more aware of people in need.

    I got home beat, but strangely lucid. Maybe because I had just been to the library to pick up some books on goal setting and personal finance, I ended up sitting down and creating a list of things I want to achieve, and organized them by category: Lifestyle and Personal Improvement, Relationships, Education and Career, and Money and Finance. I guess riding my bike gave me plenty of time to think of the ideal me.

    The goals are lofty. Chances are I'm not going to achieve all of that. However, can you imagine if I just hit half of them? I mean, I'm not that good at math, so let me know if my incredibly complex calculation is wrong, but 50 is more than 0.

    Tomorrow I'll create a schedule for the week, as well as a meal plan (I'm cooking everything at home now; healthier, cheaper, and any time I spend moving is time I'm not fighting the urges.) I'll probably bike a bit, too.

    i would like to end the day with this video titled "Stop Doing Things You Know To Be Wrong." Mainly on freedom of speech and saying the truth, but also on behavior modification:



    Good night, everyone.
     

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