22 Months of free life...almost getting to 2 years!!!

badeae1 · Mar 20, 2017

Congratulations. I have been keeping up with all of your posts and each time your stories surprise me more and more. Keep it up man all the way. You are growing both mentally and spiritually.

Stay clean

fercho29 · Mar 20, 2017

Love_Travelling said: ↑

Congraturations! I've read all your former posts months ago, they helped a lot. Thanks!
Click to expand...

Thank you very much @Love_Travelling for your words of support . I am happy yopu read some of my posts and found them helpful
Keep on fighting
Fercho

Porn Free Wanderer · Mar 21, 2017

Wow! You're so awesome that you've stopped counting days. Heck, even counting weeks isn't enough anymore. You're counting months and years!

A total inspiration!

esforzado · Mar 21, 2017

badeae1 said: ↑

Congratulations. I have been keeping up with all of your posts and each time your stories surprise me more and more. Keep it up man all the way. You are growing both mentally and spiritually.

Stay clean
Click to expand...

I want to point our the great success of Sex Addicts Annonymous with the 12 Steps Program. Look at it at the internet. First, admitting they are powerless over their addictive sexual behavior and that their lives are unmanageable; believing that a Power greater than theirselves can restore them to sanity; making a decision to turn their will and their lives to the care of God as they understand God, etc., etc.

Sex Addicts Annonyumous copied the 12 Steps Program from Alcoholics Annonymous and both groups have had great success. I hope and pray that all the men at NoFap may have the same success.

badeae1 · Mar 21, 2017

That is correct @esforzado , are you currently doing that? Or know if any good resource?

Thank you

Stay clean

esforzado · Mar 22, 2017

badeae1 said: ↑

That is correct @esforzado , are you currently doing that? Or know if any good resource?

Thank you

Stay clean
Click to expand...

badeae, I practically have lived all my life with "this". That's the source, the only one decisive and effective . Willpower is so weak, when we men come to face addictions, which are strongly rooted in us, so failures are very much at hand, as our own experience sadly tells us.
As the Bible´s saying goes: "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, so be vigilant and pray". That is precisely the same attitude of the Twelve Steps: not using only "natural resources" as making purposes in our mind, but also "supernatural resources", i. e., asking a Power greater than ourselves (God), to restore our unmaneageable lives back to sanity.

Gary72 · Mar 22, 2017

fercho29 said: ↑

I have reached 22 months PMO free on Sunday.
This has been an amazing journey, and I still can notice changes form one month to the other.
These past 2 or 3 months, I have gained much more distance with the addiction. I feel now completely outside the "big night", that foggy state of mind that used to be with me all the time as an addict, always with a sense of oppression inside my chest.
I can re think over everything i did as an addict with new eyes: the long sessions watching porn and MO'ing, hours sex chatting and arranging promiscuous hook ups with guys in shady motels, hiring male escorts, participating in sex parties and visiting massage parlors and glory holes. Everything in the shadows, hiding from my wife and two sons, behaving like a thief covering his steps to avoid being discovered.
I can think about the time, money and energy that i spent in this shit. The dangerous places were i was, so helpless!
I took so many risks of being discovered by my family, being so close to lose them due to this addiction!
I felt too guilty during the first 18 months of my reboot, once I started getting out of the foggy brain state of mind and realizing how sick I behaved.
I chose to fight every urge as if it were the last one. They still come once or twice a week, some stronger than others. I need to be very alert, because the "Gremlin" is asleep, but can wake up if I get distracted or complacent. He is still there, dormant but alive.
This month I took one step forward in my reboot: I got back to my hometown Buenos Aires and took advantage to speak about my addiction and the sexual abuse I experienced when i was 10 years old withe two of my closest friends. It was hard but very comforting. I got a sense of relief, like taking 10 pounds from inside my chest. Up to now just my wife knew about it. Being able to speak out allowed me not only to keep healing about my past traumas and addiction, but also to "get the addiction out of obscurity". It is not in the shadows any longer, i took it out to the sunlight and see the whole thing differently.
Part of the pleasure of the addiction is "the pleasure of the forbidden". We do it behind close doors, or in brothels and dark and promiscuous places. They are as darks as most of the porn videos, usually showing dark places, violence, rapes, abuse.
Distance and time allows me to see the monster I had became during 40 years.
Like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, one pretends to be a honorable member of the society during the day, just to become a monster under the dark of the night. But as this character, the monster started taking me over more an more, until there was no more days for me: just a long a continuous night that lasted years.
Until one day when I reached rock bottom. I hired a famous porn star as an escort, as I always did. But this time it was different. Instead of a fast "pay, have sex, get out" session, this guy started talking about his life. he told me that he was no even gay, he had a girlfriend , but he needed to do this because he had a very poor family in Hungary which he needed to support. He described how they were abused by the director of bel Ami, the most famous gay porn studio in Europe. How this gut had "the right" to sleep with any of them every night he wanted. How pimps took out most of the money they make, how many are dying from drug overdose , AIDS and sexual violence. That there were forced to have sex without condoms because this is what "the clients are asking for". And how the studio makes fake AIDS tests showing that they are all negative when it was not true.
The worst part was that after listening this for 30 minutes, I still had sex with this guy. I could not stop, even knowing that I was being active and he was hurting a lot.
When I left his hotel room, i entered my car and started crying. i felt like an animal. i wanted to kill myself for the guilt I felt.
Fortunately, one week later I found NoFap and Gary Wilson ted Talks video "The Great Porn Experiment". I open my eyes to the fact that i was an addict, something i never realized before.
Fast forward to today: my life is not perfect, but I am living a much happier and honest life. I am committed to make the people that surrounds me happier, and to help many Fapstronauts to get rid of this shitty disease.
It is not easy guys. it is painful, some days you are craving the "instant pleasure of a good PMO session". But we can win this fight.
Keep on fighting
Fercho
Click to expand...

That story is so close to home I've lost my family because of my addiction good work hope I can do the same

fercho29 · Mar 23, 2017

Gary72 said: ↑

That story is so close to home I've lost my family because of my addiction good work hope I can do the same
Click to expand...

I was very close to that @Gary72
After that visit to the escort, I paid for a gay porn site with my credit card, knowing that my sons are all the time watching the account in their App, to control their expenses (we share cards).
I knew i could be discovered, but my brain was desperately asking for help so i did it anyway ( In the past i used PayPal so they could not discover me).
My older son saw that expense and asked the three of us in WhatsApp about it, and I lied saying that it was a business subscription. He did not believe me and called the e-billing system, and they told him it was a gay porn site. they even gave him my password, which he knows it is mine.
So he called me back, and pretended "I had been hacked". i almost fainted, I felt so embarrassed!
He ended the call saying: "We do not want to hurt Mom".
I think he never believed my story. I felt so guilty!
Two days later , in a middle of a big depression, I found NoFap.
I do not remember why a window about PMO addiction pop up in my screen. I was not watching porn because I was in the gym bike. I still remember how shocked i got when i started reading about Porn addiction, (which i had never heard before) and realized i was an addict. I could not believe it, but every description matched.
There was a survey with 20 questions to 'know if you are a PMO addict".
At the 5th question i already knew that i was in deep shit. I got the maximum amount of points you can.
That was a gift of God I will always appreciate.
I was too close to lose my kids and wife, or even to try to commit suicide. I had no energy for work, no focus. I was spending thousand of dollars in porn sites and escorts.
Every day sober is a gift for me.
Keep on fighting
Fercho

Gary72 · Mar 23, 2017

fercho29 said: ↑

I was very close to that @Gary72
After that visit to the escort, I paid for a gay porn site with my credit card, knowing that my sons are all the time watching the account in their App, to control their expenses (we share cards).
I knew i could be discovered, but my brain was desperately asking for help so i did it anyway ( In the past i used PayPal so they could not discover me).
My older son saw that expense and asked the three of us in WhatsApp about it, and I lied saying that it was a business subscription. He did not believe me and called the e-billing system, and they told him it was a gay porn site. they even gave him my password, which he knows it is mine.
So he called me back, and pretended "I had been hacked". i almost fainted, I felt so embarrassed!
He ended the call saying: "We do not want to hurt Mom".
I think he never believed my story. I felt so guilty!
Two days later , in a middle of a big depression, I found NoFap.
I do not remember why a window about PMO addiction pop up in my screen. I was not watching porn because I was in the gym bike. I still remember how shocked i got when i started reading about Porn addiction, (which i had never heard before) and realized i was an addict. I could not believe it, but every description matched.
There was a survey with 20 questions to 'know if you are a PMO addict".
At the 5th question i already knew that i was in deep shit. I got the maximum amount of points you can.
That was a gift of God I will always appreciate.
I was too close to lose my kids and wife, or even to try to commit suicide. I had no energy for work, no focus. I was spending thousand of dollars in porn sites and escorts.
Every day sober is a gift for me.
Keep on fighting
Fercho
Click to expand...

Thanks maybe there is hope for me

Plank2017 · Mar 24, 2017

Get touched.
Sometimes we do shameful things to have the pleasure of porn or something alike. But we are more than this, we can go out and do good to people around us

fercho29 · Mar 25, 2017

Yesterday night I got some urges. I believe that they were triggered by a model I saw in TV . When my wife fell asleep I started browsing some erotic gay stories in a site I used to read almost every day before starting my reboot
I knew that this was very stupid since the minute I open this website, but I couldn't Avoid it. I started reading one of these stories during almost 5 minutes, I knew it was very silly but I couldn't stop reading it. It was the kind of stories about one man submitting and humiliating another one that I used to find very triggering probably because this reminds me when I was raped.
Fortunately I did not touch myself and five minutes later my son sent me a text about an article he found interesting in the newspaper, so I took advantage of this, closed The erotic stories website and started reading this article until I cool down and forgot .
I was disturbed but I managed to fall asleep.
under the light of the day I realized how stupid that story was, and even more stupid opening this website at the very beginning.
Dear Fapstronauts : we need to be in full alert 24/7. We cannot lower our guard for a few minutes, because the Gremlin will take advantage of our distraction and try to attack. Even after 22 months he's inside me still alive , weak and sleepy but still alive.
I Managed To avoid failing but I was closer than any time in the last few months.
Stay alert and let's keep on fighting
Fercho

4 minutes ago
Reply

fercho29 · Mar 25, 2017

Plank2017 said: ↑

Get touched.
Sometimes we do shameful things to have the pleasure of porn or something alike. But we are more than this, we can go out and do good to people around us
Click to expand...

Yes @Plank2017 that is right. We all did things which we are ashamed of, we regret what we did and cannot believe we were this beast
Getting rid of the addiction and helping other fellow members to do it is a way to clean our last misbehaving and set the clean ground for the rest of our life clean and happy
Fercho

Peetie22 · Mar 25, 2017

fercho29 said: ↑

I have reached 22 months PMO free on Sunday.
This has been an amazing journey, and I still can notice changes form one month to the other.
These past 2 or 3 months, I have gained much more distance with the addiction. I feel now completely outside the "big night", that foggy state of mind that used to be with me all the time as an addict, always with a sense of oppression inside my chest.
I can re think over everything i did as an addict with new eyes: the long sessions watching porn and MO'ing, hours sex chatting and arranging promiscuous hook ups with guys in shady motels, hiring male escorts, participating in sex parties and visiting massage parlors and glory holes. Everything in the shadows, hiding from my wife and two sons, behaving like a thief covering his steps to avoid being discovered.
I can think about the time, money and energy that i spent in this shit. The dangerous places were i was, so helpless!
I took so many risks of being discovered by my family, being so close to lose them due to this addiction!
I felt too guilty during the first 18 months of my reboot, once I started getting out of the foggy brain state of mind and realizing how sick I behaved.
I chose to fight every urge as if it were the last one. They still come once or twice a week, some stronger than others. I need to be very alert, because the "Gremlin" is asleep, but can wake up if I get distracted or complacent. He is still there, dormant but alive.
This month I took one step forward in my reboot: I got back to my hometown Buenos Aires and took advantage to speak about my addiction and the sexual abuse I experienced when i was 10 years old withe two of my closest friends. It was hard but very comforting. I got a sense of relief, like taking 10 pounds from inside my chest. Up to now just my wife knew about it. Being able to speak out allowed me not only to keep healing about my past traumas and addiction, but also to "get the addiction out of obscurity". It is not in the shadows any longer, i took it out to the sunlight and see the whole thing differently.
Part of the pleasure of the addiction is "the pleasure of the forbidden". We do it behind close doors, or in brothels and dark and promiscuous places. They are as darks as most of the porn videos, usually showing dark places, violence, rapes, abuse.
Distance and time allows me to see the monster I had became during 40 years.
Like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, one pretends to be a honorable member of the society during the day, just to become a monster under the dark of the night. But as this character, the monster started taking me over more an more, until there was no more days for me: just a long a continuous night that lasted years.
Until one day when I reached rock bottom. I hired a famous porn star as an escort, as I always did. But this time it was different. Instead of a fast "pay, have sex, get out" session, this guy started talking about his life. he told me that he was no even gay, he had a girlfriend , but he needed to do this because he had a very poor family in Hungary which he needed to support. He described how they were abused by the director of bel Ami, the most famous gay porn studio in Europe. How this gut had "the right" to sleep with any of them every night he wanted. How pimps took out most of the money they make, how many are dying from drug overdose , AIDS and sexual violence. That there were forced to have sex without condoms because this is what "the clients are asking for". And how the studio makes fake AIDS tests showing that they are all negative when it was not true.
The worst part was that after listening this for 30 minutes, I still had sex with this guy. I could not stop, even knowing that I was being active and he was hurting a lot.
When I left his hotel room, i entered my car and started crying. i felt like an animal. i wanted to kill myself for the guilt I felt.
Fortunately, one week later I found NoFap and Gary Wilson ted Talks video "The Great Porn Experiment". I open my eyes to the fact that i was an addict, something i never realized before.
Fast forward to today: my life is not perfect, but I am living a much happier and honest life. I am committed to make the people that surrounds me happier, and to help many Fapstronauts to get rid of this shitty disease.
It is not easy guys. it is painful, some days you are craving the "instant pleasure of a good PMO session". But we can win this fight.
Keep on fighting
Fercho
Click to expand...

Peetie22 · Mar 25, 2017

fercho29 said: ↑

I have reached 22 months PMO free on Sunday.
This has been an amazing journey, and I still can notice changes form one month to the other.
These past 2 or 3 months, I have gained much more distance with the addiction. I feel now completely outside the "big night", that foggy state of mind that used to be with me all the time as an addict, always with a sense of oppression inside my chest.
I can re think over everything i did as an addict with new eyes: the long sessions watching porn and MO'ing, hours sex chatting and arranging promiscuous hook ups with guys in shady motels, hiring male escorts, participating in sex parties and visiting massage parlors and glory holes. Everything in the shadows, hiding from my wife and two sons, behaving like a thief covering his steps to avoid being discovered.
I can think about the time, money and energy that i spent in this shit. The dangerous places were i was, so helpless!
I took so many risks of being discovered by my family, being so close to lose them due to this addiction!
I felt too guilty during the first 18 months of my reboot, once I started getting out of the foggy brain state of mind and realizing how sick I behaved.
I chose to fight every urge as if it were the last one. They still come once or twice a week, some stronger than others. I need to be very alert, because the "Gremlin" is asleep, but can wake up if I get distracted or complacent. He is still there, dormant but alive.
This month I took one step forward in my reboot: I got back to my hometown Buenos Aires and took advantage to speak about my addiction and the sexual abuse I experienced when i was 10 years old withe two of my closest friends. It was hard but very comforting. I got a sense of relief, like taking 10 pounds from inside my chest. Up to now just my wife knew about it. Being able to speak out allowed me not only to keep healing about my past traumas and addiction, but also to "get the addiction out of obscurity". It is not in the shadows any longer, i took it out to the sunlight and see the whole thing differently.
Part of the pleasure of the addiction is "the pleasure of the forbidden". We do it behind close doors, or in brothels and dark and promiscuous places. They are as darks as most of the porn videos, usually showing dark places, violence, rapes, abuse.
Distance and time allows me to see the monster I had became during 40 years.
Like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, one pretends to be a honorable member of the society during the day, just to become a monster under the dark of the night. But as this character, the monster started taking me over more an more, until there was no more days for me: just a long a continuous night that lasted years.
Until one day when I reached rock bottom. I hired a famous porn star as an escort, as I always did. But this time it was different. Instead of a fast "pay, have sex, get out" session, this guy started talking about his life. he told me that he was no even gay, he had a girlfriend , but he needed to do this because he had a very poor family in Hungary which he needed to support. He described how they were abused by the director of bel Ami, the most famous gay porn studio in Europe. How this gut had "the right" to sleep with any of them every night he wanted. How pimps took out most of the money they make, how many are dying from drug overdose , AIDS and sexual violence. That there were forced to have sex without condoms because this is what "the clients are asking for". And how the studio makes fake AIDS tests showing that they are all negative when it was not true.
The worst part was that after listening this for 30 minutes, I still had sex with this guy. I could not stop, even knowing that I was being active and he was hurting a lot.
When I left his hotel room, i entered my car and started crying. i felt like an animal. i wanted to kill myself for the guilt I felt.
Fortunately, one week later I found NoFap and Gary Wilson ted Talks video "The Great Porn Experiment". I open my eyes to the fact that i was an addict, something i never realized before.
Fast forward to today: my life is not perfect, but I am living a much happier and honest life. I am committed to make the people that surrounds me happier, and to help many Fapstronauts to get rid of this shitty disease.
It is not easy guys. it is painful, some days you are craving the "instant pleasure of a good PMO session". But we can win this fight.
Keep on fighting
Fercho
Click to expand...

Congratulations. 22 months is a long time. I can relate to the battle between your head and your addiction. I find your story encouraging.

fercho29 · Mar 29, 2017

Peetie22 said: ↑

Congratulations. 22 months is a long time. I can relate to the battle between your head and your addiction. I find your story encouraging.
Click to expand...

Thank you very much @Peetie22 , it is a tough battle and some days it feels impossible. But it is 100% worth it
Fercho

hujian · Mar 29, 2017

Congraturations!very good!!!

FreeTh1nker · Mar 29, 2017

This is powerful. Thanks for sharing! 22 months is HUGE!

fercho29 · Mar 31, 2017

MrGeonov said: ↑

This is powerful. Thanks for sharing! 22 months is HUGE!
Click to expand...

Thank you very much @MrGeonov for your words of support. Congratulation to you too, you are almost one month PMO free!

fapnaut95 · Mar 31, 2017

Hey .
22 month is a true monumental effort. You have everything to continue and de-root the addiction for good. Keep it up

fercho29 · Mar 31, 2017

This new counter look great but for some reason it stopped counting after 500 days
On the one side this is like symbol: there is a moment in our life that we should forget about the past and just look forward to the future and MoveOn.
On the other hand this is a bit scary. I've seen so many long-term rebooters coming back because they failed after two or three years clean
So the question is when we should leave the site? I don't want to do it prematurely Forget about my past, become complacent and relapse.
This is why you choose to stay involved in this site. To help other members and not to forget that I am a rehabilitated porn addict
Even if my counter it's frozen forever in 500 days ,which is much less than the almost 700 I already have
Let's keep fighting
Fercho

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