22 Months of free life...almost getting to 2 years!!!

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by fercho29, Mar 14, 2017.

  1. fercho29

    fercho29 Fapstronaut

    I have reached 22 months PMO free on Sunday.
    This has been an amazing journey, and I still can notice changes from one month to the other.
    These past 2 or 3 months, I have gained much more distance with the addiction. I feel now completely outside the "big night", that foggy state of mind that used to be with me all the time as an addict, always with a sense of oppression inside my chest.
    I can re think over everything i did as an addict with new eyes: the long sessions watching porn and MO'ing, hours sex chatting and arranging promiscuous hook ups with guys in shady motels, hiring male escorts, participating in sex parties and visiting massage parlors and glory holes. Everything in the shadows, hiding from my wife and two sons, behaving like a thief covering his steps to avoid being discovered.
    I can think about the time, money and energy that i spent in this shit. The dangerous places were i was, so helpless!
    I took so many risks of being discovered by my family, being so close to lose them due to this addiction!
    I felt too guilty during the first 18 months of my reboot, once I started getting out of the foggy brain state of mind and realizing how sick I behaved.
    I chose to fight every urge as if it were the last one. They still come once or twice a week, some stronger than others. I need to be very alert, because the "Gremlin" is asleep, but can wake up if I get distracted or complacent. He is still there, dormant but alive.
    This month I took one step forward in my reboot: I got back to my hometown Buenos Aires and took advantage to speak about my addiction to two of my closest friends , and also about the sexual abuse I experienced when i was 10 years old . It was hard but very comforting. I got a sense of relief, like taking 10 pounds from inside my chest. Up to now just my wife knew about it. Being able to speak out allowed me not only to keep healing about my past traumas and addiction, but also to "get the addiction out of obscurity". It is not in the shadows any longer, i took it out to the sunlight and see the whole thing differently.
    Part of the pleasure of the addiction is "the pleasure of the forbidden". We do it behind close doors, or in brothels and dark and promiscuous places. They are as dark as most of the porn videos, usually showing dark places, violence, rapes, abuse.
    Distance and time allows me to see the monster I had became during 40 years.
    Like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, one pretends to be a honorable member of the society during the day, just to become a monster under the dark of the night. But as this character, the monster started taking me over more and more, until there was no more days for me: just a long a continuous night that lasted years.
    Until one day when I reached rock bottom. I hired a famous porn star as an escort, as I always did. But this time it was different. Instead of a fast "pay, have sex, get out" session, this guy started talking about his life. he told me that he was no even gay, he had a girlfriend , but he needed to do this because he had a very poor family in Hungary which he needed to support. He described how they were abused by the director of Bel Ami, the most famous gay porn studio in Europe. How this guy had "the right" to sleep with any of them every night he wanted. How pimps took out most of the money they make, how many are dying from drug overdose , AIDS and sexual violence. That there were forced to have sex without condoms because this is what "the clients are asking for". And how the studio makes fake AIDS tests showing that they are all negative when it was not true.
    The worst part was that after listening this for 30 minutes, I still had sex with this guy. I could not stop, even knowing that I was being active and he was hurting a lot.
    When I left his hotel room, I entered my car and started crying. I felt like an animal. I wanted to kill myself for the guilt I felt.
    Fortunately, one week later I found NoFap and Gary Wilson ted Talks video "The Great Porn Experiment". I open my eyes to the fact that I was an addict, something I never realized before.
    Fast forward to today: my life is not perfect, but I am living a much happier and honest life. I am committed to make the people that surrounds me happier, and to help many Fapstronauts to get rid of this shitty disease.
    It is not easy guys. it is painful, some days you are craving the "instant pleasure of a good PMO session". But we can win this fight.
    Keep on fighting
    Fercho
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2017
  2. Awesomej

    Awesomej Fapstronaut

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    Congrats. 22 Months is such a big inspiration. Considering what you've gone through...
     
  3. Bicycyboy

    Bicycyboy New Fapstronaut

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    When we start to face the true side of ourselves,we could feel painful ,but only in this way can we reboot.
     
  4. Harry Maclad

    Harry Maclad Fapstronaut

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    Nice job! It's glad to here that you are 22 months in and are still getting benefits. Thanks for the inspiration
     
  5. fercho29

    fercho29 Fapstronaut

    Thank you very much @Awesomej
     
  6. alchemist2014

    alchemist2014 Fapstronaut

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    A lot of respect for you after seeing what you went through.
     
  7. holy shit @fercho29, that was inspiring A/F!
    I can beat my demons as well after reading your journey.
    Respect brother, Respect.
     
  8. fercho29

    fercho29 Fapstronaut

    You are so right @Bicycyboy , facing my demons was one of the hardest parts of my reboot process . Once you start taking out the mask of the addiction you see ugly things inside yourself with new eyes, and you may not like them
    But this is what this is all about: stop pretending we aré someone we are not
    Fercho
     
  9. fercho29

    fercho29 Fapstronaut

    Thank you @Harry Maclad , that is right. It takes time to get the full benefit of living a PMO free life and I can still see changes over time
     
  10. django.the.chainbreaker

    django.the.chainbreaker Fapstronaut

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    ¡muy bien!
     
  11. esforzado

    esforzado Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations, man, way to go!
    esforzado
     
  12. imfree131

    imfree131 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for you story. You inspire us a lot.
     
    fercho29 likes this.
  13. fercho29

    fercho29 Fapstronaut

    Thank you @alchemist2014 . We can chose staying as victims of our past traumas, becoming addicts forever, or choosing to fight our phantoms and living a better life out of the addiction
    Fercho
     
    Suhail22 and Manchild like this.
  14. fercho29

    fercho29 Fapstronaut

    Thank you very much for your kind words @imfree131 . I am happy that my post can inspire you to keep fighting for a PMO free life
    Fercho
     
    Manchild likes this.
  15. Man_WithAGoal

    Man_WithAGoal Fapstronaut

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    I really hope I can get myself out of my addiction. I feel so stuck, and I have tried countless times, and every try time i try i fail and i get so upset. But i have another day and I start from scratch.
     
    fercho29 likes this.
  16. Love_Travelling

    Love_Travelling Fapstronaut

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    Congraturations! I've read all your former posts months ago, they helped a lot. Thanks!
     
    fercho29 likes this.
  17. fercho29

    fercho29 Fapstronaut

    Hi @Man_WithAGoal , if I could do it you can do it too.
    It feels impossible when you are in the deep hole and your brain has been hijacked by the addiction. This is what the addicted part of your brain wants: that you think it is not possible to get out of that shit.
    It is a big step if you can understand what is triggering your urges, because this will allow you to be awake and kill those urges as soon as they appear.

    I recommend you to create your own "Emergency Toolbox" with readings that can be handy to read when you start feeling urges to screw up.
    I can share this post with you with my own Emergency Toolbox, it helped me a lot during the first few months, i had them in my cell and read them every time I started falling down:

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...y-first-320-days-of-reboot.62938/#post-473978

    I wrote some tips in this post that perhaps will help you too:

    http://NoFap.com/forum/index.php?threads/tips-that-helped-me-to-start-my-reboot.46617/#post-330318
    You can watch some interesting videos which are also very helpful in this post:
    http://nofap.com/forum/index.php?th...t-help-me-a-lot-during-my-reboot.39774/page-2

    I also suggest you to read "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins, it is a must-read if you are serious about getting rid of this addiction.

    Last but not least, I would strongly recommend you to take the NoFap Academy course if you can afford it. The course is great but the best value are the weekly video calls with @alexander (the creator of NoFap and NoFap Academy) and Mark Queppet, where you can chat with them in real life and listen to other guys's stories and problems too.

    I hope that all this helps you to fight this shitty addiction.
    Let's keep on fighting

    Fercho
     
  18. Big_Boss

    Big_Boss Fapstronaut

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    Man, by what I have read here, you are a really strong person. I'm happy to know that you fight the evil day by day with such strength to have a better life and become a better person.

    Congratulations for those big fights that you won!
     
  19. QuietStorm

    QuietStorm Guest

    Wow!! Thanks for transparency and congrats on your longevity.
     
  20. Delphic maxims

    Delphic maxims Fapstronaut

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    You are indeed a very strong person. Congratulations, and I wish you all the best for the future.
     

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