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21 yo, PIED, 2 months on NoFap, Cuckold, Gay thoughts, HOCD etc

Discussion in 'Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunctions' started by MichaelDracula, Mar 29, 2018.

  1. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    I don't have morning wood and my erection strength is weak. If I cannot get it up with a girl, that doesn't mean I am gay. Also, I don't have actual feelings for guys, I am actually disgusted by naked males bodies. If I start thinking about real life experience, I lose my interest immediately. I don't have any feelings for guys, and never in my life have I fallen in love with a guy. Before I escalated to sissy porn genres, possibility of gay sex never even crossed my mind. I think this thing is some kind of deep fetish, where I want to be dominated, and it's not about other men, that is driving it. It's about the domination itself, and it doesn't matter who is on the other part of it. I think this fetish was created, because I was masturbating when feeling down because of school abuse, parents etc. Now I am old enough, and broke through that shell physically, but not yet mentally. I think I need more time, to get my emotions, physicality and psyche in check.

    If at the end, I find out that I am bisexual, or even gay, that's fine. I am not ashamed of it, and don't find it bad. I just don't feel like it's part of who I am, because since the very early childhood I was 100% attracted to only girls.
     
    cali4sto, Immature and sinkro like this.
  2. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    Ok, today finally got strong erection. I thought that day will never come. It was in the morning, and I don’t know was it MW, or just random boner, because I didn’t sleep all night. And yes, I still have troubles sleeping.
    But this felt amazing, I am also past my gay urges and HOCD, but I don’t feel like I am in flatline. Penis also feels bigger.
     
    Immature and bold_me like this.
  3. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    90 days in. Finally. Updates.
    Strong erections in the morning for a little bit, they fade away quickly. Gay urges completely gone, fetishes gone, urges to MO and PMO gone. Had 2 semi-hards when fooling around with a girl. Have semi-hards and general sensation when take shower. Penis is not shrieveled anymore, looks bigger. Sensitivity is back. I think another 90 days will save me completely from this insanity of non-working dick.
     
  4. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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  5. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    Entered flatline again for a day or 2. And then gay thoughts again. I had like a little glimpse of gay thought, which grew exponentially resulting in me having strong erection. I blocked it.
     
  6. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    No gay thoughts, but flatline. Even little morning woods disappeared. I have seen a naked women’s body in some TV series and was aroused a bit. Definitely some improvements.
     
    Immature likes this.
  7. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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  8. jackson9999

    jackson9999 Fapstronaut

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    i am getting erections in the middle of the night sometimes. that's refreshing.
     
  9. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    I had the same when I was 0-60 days in. Now at 90+ days it's roller-coaster. I never know when the urges may hit me. I feel sensation when I am in the shower. I do get some thoughts here and there, and some movement also. I also had 2 semi hards fooling with girl. In the morning when I wake up I have urges and erections. Today I had a couple of very strong erections. My urges are becoming more real, I am not anymore exclusively attracted by the idea of being raped by men, but I also have heterosexual urges. My brain is still confused, so I surely need a bit more time.

    In the end, the only thing I dream right now is living a normal life, and being able to enjoy it. I am surely not enjoying fixing it, so faster I fix it, the better. And for that I need to abstain from any thoughts, porn and masturbation. I already tried soft mode, when I was masturbating without porn, and I wasted half a year on that.
     
    Immature likes this.
  10. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    I’m starting to get some semi soft erections and morning wood. Nothing special. I’m a prone masturbator so I need longer to heal.
     
  11. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    I can’t cum from normal masturbation but can from a handjob by a woman well except the last night which led me to this prolonged hard reboot.
     
  12. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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  13. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    I have strong erections every morning and evening. They are not morning woods, more like just erections when I lay in bed. They are very strong, but fade quickly. They are getting more consistent. The bad news is my gay urges are back, no matter how hard I try to convince myself I am not gay, I have no luck and still have those urges followed with anxiety. But good news is I don't get those hard erections from those thoughts most of the time, they are like 40% strong, but I feel incredible sensation in my dick. This sensation is so strong, I feel like just touching my dick will make me cum, despite it being flaccid. Now, when I have straight urges, I get 100% strong, but don't have that sensation. Dick is just up, but I don't feel that sensation.

    I just look at women and find them hot, I look at guys and feel nothing. The problem is, what I discovered about my sexuality, I don't get turned on by male and female bodies at all. I find female bodies attractive, I really want to hug them, hold them, but I don't feel sexually connected. Male bodies and faces I don't find attractive at all, not sexually, not romantically. Now, on the other hand, I have this incredible sensation when I think about being submissive, bottoming and stuff like that.

    I fooled around with girl and had semi-hards 2 times. My libido is all over the place, but now I know what my problem is and I will do everything to solve this. I am giving myself 1 more year from now on to see whether I can "heal" from this thing by just abstaining from porn. If I get back my normal libido, I will just leave my life, and start dating again. If not, I will hire couple of prostitutes to rewire.
     
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  14. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    Got some decent morning wood this morning. Back to flat now.
     
  15. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    You are recovering fast. I didn't have any morning woods until I was around 80 days. Keep strong!
     
  16. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    I have no desire and no blue balls so I feel pretty good.
     
  17. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    The prone masturbation is a bigger concern to me than the porn but it’s all bad.
     
  18. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday I had very intense gay submissive urges. It was unbearable. I was on the edge of relapsing. I didn't feel like myself at all. I was home completely alone. I couldn't stop them, but I promised myself not to touch my dick. My mind was extensively fantasizing on it's own, and I couldn't think about anything else, or concentrate on anything else. It's interesting that prior to that I had very strong erections thinking about women, and rarely I had any gay urges. Yesterday, it was like this gay side overpowering everything else.

    I am in a flatline today, and have less urges and this is the time when I thank flatlines for existing.
     
  19. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    You stayed strong and didn’t relapse that’s all that matters.
     
  20. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    It's so hard, but I am staying strong. Urges are real at 100+ days. I finally have consistent erections in the morning but they are still not morning woods. They are finally strong. I still have gay urges, but there are good and bad days. I think I need to stop worrying about erection quality, and generally just live my life. Will see in 100 days more where it leads me :)
     
    Immature likes this.

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