21 years of internet porn - quitting

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by thedarkbird, Aug 12, 2018.

  1. thedarkbird

    thedarkbird Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    Short summary:

    * I started masturbating when I was 5 years old on a regular basis (I still find that pretty amazing)
    * I was addicted to masturbation when I was 12 (I compulsively did it to compensate for stress studying exams in high school, sometimes 20 times a day)
    * I started watching internet porn at age 16 in 1997 (internet was young but it did already contain porn!)
    * By age 22 the thought crossed my mind that maybe, just maybe, I'm watching a little bit too much porn...
    * By age 30 I started to experience some erectile dysfunction, not being sexually attracted to my girlfriend anymore, change in my view towards women, escalating to more extreme porn, etc...
    * By age 32 I did a first attempt to quit porn (3 months).
    * Last year, by age 36, I did a second attempt (2 months).
    * On average I watched about 2 hours of porn per day.

    I'm now 37, watched internet porn for 21 years, and I'm going to quit. :) For real. It's been too much.

    Thanks for reading.

    Regards,
    B.
    (Belgium)
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2018
  2. allfo

    allfo Fapstronaut

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    Very close to my own sittuation. I am very curious to see how it will be after 90 days. We will make it.
     
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  3. guitopher

    guitopher Fapstronaut

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    Good luck to you my brother. You can heal yourself. Lean on this community for help.
     
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  4. slink123456

    slink123456 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck in your journey. Your story is like mine, I watched it for 14 years I am now 28. Started to try and quit when I bumped into sites I disliked and with that started to struggle
    with mental health/anxiety issues that I didn’t want.

    Quitting as long as you can as best you can is worth it. Life is too precious for this kinda stuff to be in our lives, and the internet is a horrible place. You can’t let it get in the way of your present and future, keep on with your fight to quit everything for good. We can do this and are doing it together!

    Well done for taking this step and for using this site to better your life :)
     
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  5. thedarkbird

    thedarkbird Fapstronaut

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    Thanks guys :)

    I won't be using the counter because I don't want to focus too much on a number. I just... quit, and time will pass by itself ;-) But 11/08/2018 is my starting point if you want to know. Doing fine so far.

    On a side note: I've also experienced depression and panic attacks during my life, but this was not caused by watching porn. It's more like: difficult childhood -> anxiety/depression -> P+M as coping mechanism -> more anxiety/depression.

    As a matter of fact I resolved my depression and anxiety issues for a few years now, while still being addicted to porn. Of course, watching porn did make me feel bad from time to time because it's such a waste of time and energy. But I never got depressed again.

    So, just cleaning up the last remaining issue: porn :)
     
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  6. Uncomfortably Numb

    Uncomfortably Numb Fapstronaut

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    Good luck my friend you have come to the right place
     
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  7. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Quit Masturbation too and you will feel like a new man in few months
     
    Survivor Wars likes this.
  8. slink123456

    slink123456 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck man, interested to see how far you go, we are right here with you in the same battle! My start date was 19/07/18 :)
     
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  9. hd339

    hd339 Fapstronaut

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    Good luck man ! I started watching porn regularly at the age of 12 or 13, so I've been watching it for...12 or 13 years now.
    I also did it to cope with anxiety and tough times, but even though it might be a temporary escape it just takes you in an even more challenging situation on the long term, so it's absolutely not worth it.
    But it doesn't matter how long you've been into it, you can do this ! :)
     
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  10. allfo

    allfo Fapstronaut

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    Can you tell more how you managed to resolve this things?
     
  11. thedarkbird

    thedarkbird Fapstronaut

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    I can summarize it for you, sure. Keep in mind though that this was a long process of learning and slowly finding solutions over a period of 15 years. Don't expect a quick magic formula.

    A bit of history

    I experienced minor depression from about 16 years old. It got worse from my 20's and I reached a bottom at 28 including a serious suicide attempt (which I aborted in time, so I did not get hurt luckily).

    I started having panic attacks around 30 and they lasted until I was 32. I could not stay in closed spaces with other people (meeting rooms, cars, buses, etc...). After 1,5 years struggling with this I realized I needed help. I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me an anti-depressant specifically for panic attacks (Cymbalta; 6 month cure). I was panic attack free after only 2 weeks.

    I really don't like taking pills, and Cymbalta is kind of a heavy anti-depressant, so I did not like it at all, but these panic attacks were undermining my work and every day life to such extent that I am very happy I did.

    After 6 months I quit Cymbalta and I have more or less stayed panic attack free since (now 5 years ago).

    Causes

    Now, at that time I realized that both depression and panic attacks must share some underlying causes, even though I did not know what and how exactly. I realized I would have to do something about those root causes, since taking pills alone would not tackle those. So I started reading about depression and anxiety. I also talked about it with some psychologists. And eventually I realized that:
    • my parents planted the seeds of most issues I was experiencing when I was a child (bad mother-child relationships are a BIG cause for all kinds of psychological issues, you have no idea)

    • as a consequence my brain was wired in a VERY negative way, from childhood on: I was a pessimist, claiming to be a realist, but at the time I failed to see that I was creating my own doomed self fulfilling prophecies
    Eventually I came to see that the difference between a happy person and myself was the way I looked at reality. Basically it comes down to this:

    REALITY -> PESSIMIST INTERPRETATION -> DEPRESSION
    REALITY -> RELAXED INTERPRETATION -> HAPPY LIFE

    Reality is more or less the same both for depressed and happy people: both experience disease/illness, both experience death of friends/family, both experience relationship issues, etc etc... Of course there are always a few who are extremely lucky in life, and some extremely unlucky, but let's exclude these rare exceptions :)

    So I realized I had to change the way I looked at things. After all, reality is what it is. But, how to do that?

    Solutions

    And then I found out about meditation/mindfulness. Not only meditation as an activity, but also the underlying principle that the way you experience things depend on how you interpret them. 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle (and other books) gave me a very profound insight in that matter.

    So I started meditating on a daily basis (around 15-30 minutes a day), changing my views on things, living more consciously. I'm not doing this all year long, but I regularly plan a few months per year with (almost) daily meditation.

    Meditation is - again - not a magic solution. But it helps looking at things from another perspective. 99% of the time we're reacting more or less in an automatic way, as a result of how our brain is wired by education as a child, past experience, friends, school, etc... . Meditation will allow one to make more conscious decisions, including how you feel about things.

    Examples:

    My former self: 'Life is meaningless since we all die anyway, so why should I put any effort in x, y or z'.
    My improved self: 'Sure, life ends, and in a way everything we do does not really matter, but I'm going to enjoy the ride as much as I can and I'm now going to do effort for x, y or z'

    My former self: 'Goddamned this guy at work is annoying me. Why does he have to be in my life?!'
    My improved self: 'This guy must have a difficult life for acting out as he does. I will be kind to him, even though he is not to me.'

    My former self: 'I HAVE to make sure everybody likes me at that party. I need to be my best. I can't mess up. I have to watch myself every move.'
    My improved self: 'I'm going to that party and I'm going to enjoy myself. I'll be friendly and relaxed. If there's people who don't like me then so be it.'

    The future

    What I also used to do a lot was projecting possible negative outcomes to future scenario's: 'Tomorrow I'll have this difficult meeting, and people won't listen to me, and things will all go bad again, and, ...'

    This is a VERY big factor for depression, because that kind of thinking is a habit that one does all the time for everything. If a few things actually go wrong - which is inevitable in life - then this habit will make sure that one goes through a new depression.

    What the mindfulness/meditation perspective learned me is that the future does not exist! It is a fantasy created by the brain. The only thing that actually exists is now. So I've learned to stop making those (negative) future projections. Sure, maybe things will not work out the way you want it, and sometimes that is a predictable future, but in many cases things turn out a different way and then you've worried over nothing.

    More importantly: doing negative future projections all the time can easily become self fulfilling prophecies: 'I'm gonna feel bad tomorrow, I'm gonna feel bad tomorrow, I'm gonna feel bad tomorrow..' => you're creating your own reality and yes, that way you're going to feel bad tomorrow. And then you're gonna say: 'SEE, I knew I was going to feel bad! My view of the world is correct!'.

    And the reinforcing circle of depression is started :)

    In the end

    I will not claim that I am now the happiest person in the world. I can still have a bad day. I can still have negative thoughts. But I don't let myself slide back into my old self. A bad day is just that: ONE day. Next day will be better, and most of the time it is.

    Over the years I have also:
    * stopped smoking (15 years now)
    * stopped smoking marijuana (15 years; excluding a minor relapse)
    * stopped doing drugs overall (did cocaine around 28)
    * stopped drinking (1 year, not because I was addicted, just because I can, and I'm running marathons which doesn't mix well with alcohol)
    * went through a breakup with my girlfriend at the end of 2016 after a 5-year relationship and I was able to cope with it without sliding into a depression (not that it was SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION, but I managed quite well)

    So the only thing left for me is quitting porn. Which is somewhat of a leftover of my previous depressed life.

    Pfiew. I could write a book about this :)
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2018
  12. hd339

    hd339 Fapstronaut

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    @thedarkbird thank you so much for having taken the time to share your experience with us. A LOT of what you wrote resonated with me as I experienced some of the things you described and also took a look at them with some perspective after discovering and practicing meditation on a daily basis, and reading different books about self improvement.
    I can't stay logged long enough to write a proper answer right now, but I agree with a lot of things you said, especially the importance of PERSPECTIVE and that when you change the way look at things, the things you look at change !
    I'll be back after my workout session, see ya later and thanks again for the post
     
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  13. thedarkbird

    thedarkbird Fapstronaut

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    You're welcome :)
     
  14. bloom

    bloom Fapstronaut

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    It's the beginning of your journey towards a better life my friend. Were are with you. We share so many things and we will win this battle!
     
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  15. thedarkbird

    thedarkbird Fapstronaut

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    Update: the first week without porn is done. I must say that it hasn't been too hard really: my mindset is very clear, porn...is...finished in my life. I guess that helps.

    I've already reaped the benefits for this first week: I have lots of free time now (2 hours more per day!), and I've spent some of that time seeing friends. I also feel very relaxed: the stress about this porn thing is now gone.

    Coincidentally I've also had sex; it was a while ago (I'm single) so I did not want to pass up the opportunity. I did notice that I had a harder time keeping an erection (pun somewhat intended :p), which is no surprise after 21 years of porn. But all in all it was ok. Morning wood is there every morning in all force, so that's definitely a clear sign of what the root cause is here :)

    From time to time I get the uneasy feeling that something is 'missing' from my life, especially when sitting at my computer, but it's never a burning urge.

    Generally I'm just not worrying too much. I take life day by day and enjoy whatever I can enjoy in the moment (as long as it's not porn of course). So. I'm pretty pleased with how it is and I look forward to the coming weeks. :)
     
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  16. thedarkbird

    thedarkbird Fapstronaut

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    Update: week two.

    What can I say, this is actually too easy: I have few cravings (they happen though, but very limited), I don't have the feeling I miss anything, I don't feel bad, ... As a matter of fact I don't experience any withdrawal symptoms at all, except that I'm sexually somewhat flat lined, which feels rather liberating really: I'm not dictated by any sexual drive anymore, great!

    I also have more time to do things and I feel that I'm not as reluctant to go outside.

    I won't claim that my life is now SO much better than before. I don't feel like I'm magically turned into some super human or anything. Most of my life is still the same - which is a good thing - I'm just not a slave to porn anymore, which - after all - is a big deal.

    If you're wondering 'Why is this going so easy for this guy? What's his magic formula?'. Or you might even be thinking I'm faking it. Well, first of all I'm not faking it :) The magic formula is to be totally fed up with porn addiction. And I tell you, I was/am.

    I do masturbate, but few: 2 times this week I guess. The goal is to quit porn, not to quit enjoying life. But I do not allow any substituting: no watching lingerie models, no sex stories, no sex chats, no instagram drooling, no porn fantasies while masturbating, etc...

    Also, I'm not worrying about the future. Today is the only thing that matters, and today I will not watch porn. Tomorrow does not exist yet, so I don't worry about it.

    Furthermore I'm not focusing too much on this whole 'quitting porn' thing. I quit it and I moved on to live life.

    Last but not least: instead of browsing porn I'm now browsing this forum. Soon I will be addicted to it ;-)
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2018
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  17. thedarkbird

    thedarkbird Fapstronaut

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    Update: week three.

    It proved to be an interesting week because what seemed almost too easy last week became a challenge this week.

    I watched porn last Wednesday, for whatever reason (the addiction, of course, what other reason is there). But I'm ok with it. It's part of the process, and that process is continuing like before.

    Many people here feel bad about 'relapsing'. I don't. I think that's a part of the problem: feeling bad increases the risk of giving it all up. Also, calling it a 'relapse' is bad choice of wording, because it implies failure and being back at square one, which is not the case. So I call it 'part of the process', don't feel bad about it, do not reset any counters, and I continue with my plan: freeing my life of porn addiction.

    During addiction: I watched porn 100% of the days.
    Now: I watched porn 4,8% of the days.

    That's a 95,2% improvement! :)

    Looking forward to the coming week.
     

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