21 months PMO free: I became and adult

My wife is coming back home after her three days vacation in a couple of hours.
I had a couple of urges which I could stand.
Yesterday evening I was watching a TV show and I liked an actor. I googled his name and started looking at his pictures. No nude pictures, not porn, but still I knew that I should not be doing that.
He is very handsome, it took me a few minutes and some strong will power to overcoming me the desire to keep clicking in his pictures .
I closed the browser and stated reading a book until I forgot.
All the time it was a fight between my rational part of the brain , the one that knows that nothing good will come from watching these pictures, and the irrational addicted part of my brain that keeps trying to make me screw up and come back to my old habits: watching pictures , starting to elaborate a sexual fantasy with that guy, and MOing "to release ".
I also know why I got these urges : I have some problems at work, my relationship with my business partner has became very bad lately . This make me feel sad and depressed, with a low self-esteem. My urges increase when I am sad or does not feel good enough about myself, or when I feel I am not capable of solving my problems.
Actually this is how my addiction started: I was sexually abused when I was a kid and could not ask for help or tell what had happened to me. This feeling of burden , of something that I cannot solve is what cause my desires to PMO or hire escorts .
I could stand against those negative desires and stayed clean.
I would prefer not to have these desires or urges any longer after 21 month of fight.
Some times this discourages me.
But I read my earlier posts and I can remember how shitty and desperate I was when I started my reboot.
This is not paradise, I still face problems, but it is much better than my previous life.
I should not complain , I should be happy that I got one more day of clean life, even when I stayed three days by myself at home
Keep on fighting
Fercho

 

You are so right @badassreturns , I never thought about that, but real adults should have sex with real person, not with their hands :-$

 

I am back in my hometown Buenos Aires once again. It is always a challenge for my reboot, because this where I was sexually molested when i was 10 years old at the school restroom by older kids, which triggered my addiction to gay porn, hook-ups and male escorts.
My Dad is 90, he is very aged and make me sad to see how deteriorated he is.
All this sad feelings and bad memories usually used to trigger big binges of PMO and sex while I was in town.
This time I felt much more confidence in my abilities. I used to shelter behind PMO every time I felt sad and depressed. This time I used those feeling in a constructive way.
For first time, I told my story to a couple of close friends. I could open up about the traumatic event and about my 40 years of PMO and sex addiction. I was nervous to do it, but they both took it in the best way.
They were of course surprised. They could not believe that "Perfect Fercho" had a parallel life like that one. I built a facade of being perfect to hide all my sadness and weakness.
I have the perfect wife and sons, was successful in my career, teach in an ivy league university. I am always happy, making jokes, being the center in the parties, being a leader. Behind that facade, all my dark life was hidden.
This is why i chose to "come out" as an addict, at least to my two closest friends. I am not ready to speak about this with my two sons yet , because I do not want to hurt them.
Also, i do not want to become a victim. I do not want to use this as an excuse for anything else. I do not want them to feel sad about me. I want to move forward in life, and closing this chapter of my life. I keep working on this every day as my top priority.
Keep on fighting
Fercho

 

Thank you very much @Salter for your congratulations. I am glad that you liked that sentence!
fercho

 

I am back at home in Miami After my trip to my hometown Buenos Aires.
It was a challenging trip but I am happy with the result.
Once again I faced my ghosts, I walked by the school where I was sexually abused, I visited my aging father in the house where I suffered so much the first years of PMO addiction.
I got sad with so many sad memories and wish that things would have been differently.
I also got dad seeing how my Dad is aging and almost cannot recognize me any longer. He was my role model and watching how he deteriorates make me feel sad. I cried yesterday when I said goodbye, because I do not know if it will be the last time I saw him alive.
But on the other hand this was a happy trip. I could discuss with friends about my addiction and what happened to me when I was a kid. there were very supportive and talking about this was a big relief for me.
One of the biggest problems about PMO is how shameful we feel. We need to hide and pretend that nothing is happening. We learn to hide and deceive everybody, lying all the time.
Talking about my past and my addiction helped me to start "getting out". I did a lot of things which I am ashamed of. Having the guts to tell a friend on his face :" i had sex with hookers, male escorts, guys and girls in parties at the same time, went to glory holes and sordid xxx theatre, etc" was very hard. They were surprised but they did not judge me. They could not believe that I could stand so much pain for so long without exploding or getting down. They have known me for so long and never had any suspicion.
We become Great Pretenders, like the song says. We can deceive, lie and pretend, just to stay as addicts and avoid being discover.
We become so good at this.
This is one of the things that I appreciate more in my new life. I do not need to pretend any longer. I can cry watching a movie like Moonlight, something I would not have done before. I was constantly wearing a shield to hide myself.
I do not need to do this any longer.
I chose to live as an imperfect but genuine guy for the rest of my life, instead of pretending I am perfect, but hiding in the bathroom for PMO, or going to a cheap motel to have random sex with an escort.
One more challenge that i could stand.
Keep on fighting
Fercho
PS: BTW, today is my 650 day PMO free

 

Good luck in your reboot @vet
It is a big step if you can understand what is triggering your urges, because this will allow you to be awake and kill those urges as soon as they appear.

I recommend you to create your own "Emergency Toolbox" with readings that can be handy to read when you start feeling urges to screw up.
I can share this post with you with my own Emergency Toolbox, it helped me a lot during the first few months, i had them in my cell and read them every time I started falling down:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...y-first-320-days-of-reboot.62938/#post-473978

I wrote some tips in this post that perhaps will help you too:

http://NoFap.com/forum/index.php?threads/tips-that-helped-me-to-start-my-reboot.46617/#post-330318
You can watch some interesting videos which are also very helpful in this post:
http://nofap.com/forum/index.php?th...t-help-me-a-lot-during-my-reboot.39774/page-2

I also suggest you to read "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins, it is a must-read if you are serious about getting rid of this addiction.

Last but not least, I would strongly recommend you to take the NoFap Academy course if you can afford it. The course is great but the best value are the weekly video calls with @alexander (the creator of NoFap and NoFap Academy) and Mark Queppet, where you can chat with them in real life and listen to other guys's stories and problems too.

I hope that all this helps you to fight this shitty addiction.
Let's keep on fighting

Fercho

 

Thank you very much @truegrit , i am glad my post helped you