Last night I relapsed so today is day one again,this time im going to document my days,during 6 month I hope,to write it all here,I guess this might help to concentrate on my streak of 6 months purely clean. Why im doing this? because I fucked up my brain since the first fap I did in the first half of 2009 since then it was like this 2009: (between april-may) I was 10 year old and I fapped for first time,then I did it several times,and stopped for the rest of the year,cause I was really depressed thinking if somebody found this out faps in 2009: like 20 or 30 faps 2010: was a kinda clean year,with three or five faps in total in this year,but at the end of the year I become depressive as my friends werent at school the last days of school.I was having a bad time. faps in 2010: like 5 times 2011: A new decade started for me,and my friends reapeared,but they didnt wanted to stay with me,they started to betray me,and I become a punching bag to the whole school.Everyday I got back home,to release the stress sufered there I fapped,causing more pain,less will to face homework,and to wake up in the cold morning to go to the place where I was constantly bullied,and had no fun... After that,I guess I used to watch porn a lot,I become a porn addict,tv addict,I was hedonist as fuck,and left school...and started a course,of course at this time I dindt recognized me. quantity of pmo in 2011: 300 times to 400 2012: the same of 2011 bullying this tiem not in school but in courses,and I fapped the double than before,watched more heavy porn,and I was all day tired,in pain,with no will,clumsy,dork,with anxiety,depression,I couldnt even face nobody,all shy and submissive.While everybody was normal.I ended this year more fucked up than before,with 14 years old at the end of the year. Times of PMO in 2012: like 400 times 2013: this year was another year full of shit,now I was in another course and in sports i started swimming,but I was fucked up,I had no personality,no will,and all the stuff of the previously year,0% will,being lazy all day,pretending to study,and failing in this new course.All failure in study,sports,social life,health,all a fail,a complete loser.Nasty porn sadomasochism etc.I was addicted. faps in 2013: 650 times PMO 2014: This time I started a new course,and I was a bit successful this time,completing all tasks in kind of order, also I started to play more sthetich videogames,in steam,I spent a lot of time there,also wasting money in games,etc.This year was like a refugee from the other tree years...but still a hell...the porn at this time was really heavy,and also my addiction for videogames.I easily achieved nothing average of faps in 2014: 620 PMO 2015: A year full of laziness,shit and mental problems,and at the beginning of the year I was fucked up with a lot of masturbation,in huge quantities,abuse of porn in huge quantities.dopamine,semen waste. average of faps in 2015: 700 PMO times 2016: this time I was dork,like in the other years,but I completed some objetives,and I was stressed a lot. times I PMO in 2016: (since this point I started to feel more tired of fapping) but I did it from 500 to 600 times 2017: this year,started very diferent,in positive ways,I discovered NOFAP ,and started to be more introspective,and make analisis about my life,and why I failed too much,writing down my traumatic experiences,and objetives from then on. Streaks this year was of : first streak was of 15 days clean then another 28 days clean then another of 14 days and so on some other streaks I didnt writed down 2018:This year was tough,however I managed to reach streaks first streak of 22 day clean then the more long I got was 38 days clean!! then like 5 or 6 streaks of 14 days clean... 2019: this year I tried so hard to stay clean,and relapses ocurred from time to time,always at night,and being half concious about it,I fall in a tunnel effect and I relapse...what Ive noticed is that now a relapse is a huge setback to me,it literally kills me,my will,my power,I cant do this anymore,Im 20 years old,and I dont want to live this decade with a habit that literally was the cause of all my disgrace,and failure in this life,and this decade of the 2010's,I want to live the 2020's ,and my 20s cold turkey ... I dont want to do a thing that represent such terrible stuff,disease,pain,depression,it nasty.And Im brainwashing my head to do not do it never again.NEVER.