17, gay, and NEVER had normal male sexual function

Hi I’m 17 (about to be 18) and I wanted to write about my experience with porn and see if there are some answers.

I discovered sex at the same time I discovered porn (thanks sheltering parents) at 13, up to that point I had never as much as had a boner or thought about someone sexually. I quickly discovered I was gay, which was the only good thing porn has helped me discover (again, THANKS sheltering parents...). However, by a combination of mental blocks and lies to myself I fell down the slope as early as 14.

I was deathly afraid of being a pervert. I was deathly afraid of being this “gay” thing middle schoolers love to throw around. I figured I could use porn to safely explore my sexuality without weirding anyone out! How wrong I was. It quickly devolved into a compulsion and a major way that I get dopamine.

So after all these years, I don’t feel I function as a normal man. I never look at some hot dude irl and feel aroused in any way (I can and do have crushes on guys I find hot, but I just can’t imagine it). I never have boners unless I think of porn or sex. I never have sex dreams and haven’t had any wet dream in my entire life. I feel like I’ve been castrated. It’s as if I don’t have a sexual drive or any sort of spontaneity whatsoever. I have never been able to healthily explore sex and I want to try it so bad to get over this addiction, but I can’t do it right now. It’s as I put in the clutch but never actually reconnect the engine to the transmission. Will I ever become a normally functioning male from a reboot? I want to make sure I’m able to deliver for my future boyfriend(s).