14 year old

Maybe your nervous about the season starting. I'm 28 now but I played HS football. I was always pretty apprehensive about that season starting, but never realized. Yelling coaches, violent hitting, lots of intense training for 3-4+ hours a day (sometimes twice) in 80-90 degree weather. Lot to be nervous about. When I started doing trauma work I identified HS football as a source of physical, mental and emotional trauma. And at the time Ihappened to be acting out with PMO and food and whatever other addictions I could use at age 14.

I think those addictions were used to mask my fear, and to keep the trauma at bay. At the time, I had no place to sort out the trauma. I knew something was wrong but couldn't just get out of the peer pressure and do something non-violent.

I wish I could go back in time and re-stage those years doing something non-violent, like meditating, or, IDK what else their would be. My only options at 14 were violent football, violent video games, violent music and lift weights or violent home life. but in recovery I've since found a gentler way to live.

IDK if this helps you or its too far out of your current paradigm. But if you struggle to stay away from numbing-out behaviors, it might be a survival mechanism to protect you from the emotional, physical and mental mistreatment of HS football and maybe other sources. I hope if thats the case you can get the help you need to live a gentler way. You're worth it and you don't have to be a monstrous warrior. You are enough just as you are.

 

Just don't give up no matter what happens, even if you relapse.