12 Years PMO addict - Hypersexuality, Sexualconfusion/HOCD, my Story

Hello dear Fapstronauts,

from this day on, i want to start my nofap journey. Before i begin, i wanted to share my Story so far, in the hope of finding People that share similar experciences/story and just people i can discuss my journey with.
This might be a long one, so bear with me(TL;DR at the end). Also english is not my mothertongue, so i apologize in advance for mistakes. So without further ado let´s begin.

i started to frequently PMO about 10 years ago. As most of you, i started with "normal" straight vanilla softcore porn. But without noticing it or better ignoring it for a long time i escalated into more and more "deviant" genres/fetishes and i´am not proud of a lot of them. From vanilla to hardcore, teen, gangbang, solo cams, amature, lesbian, bbw, ebony, asian, femdom, asian, milf/mature, dp, hentai, rape fantasies etc. you name it. i probably tried every genre created by men, except gay/trans (i will come back to that later). I would watch one genre until i noticed it would not arouse me that much anymore and than switch to something new, something exciting. A new fetish was always like a rush, like a drug even.

So as my "addiction"(if you can call it that) progressed more and more, i noticed how i somewhat became hypersexual i guess. At some point it didn´t even matter what situation it was, as long it had some sexual content, it would trigger sexual urges. In a lot of cases, a normal person would not feel anything or even be disgusted, but for me/my brain it was arousal. At the same time i lost something i would call a "natural feeling of disgust". I´am sure a lot of you know it: when you see something sexual, that is not in line with your sexual taste and/or somewhat deviant that you don´t like, you would feel some form of disgust or repulsion. This didn´t/does not happen to me anymore. i can basically fap to almost anything now, even to things that would probably considered to be disturbing by many people. I never considered it to be a Problem though, it was just porn, fantasy, not real, everything just in my head and not my true sexuality right?

So fast forward to 2019. i started to became sexualy confused and developed some sort of HOCD. Even though i tried so many genre, women and their bodies were always the center of attention. This changed about two months ago, when i started to notice dicks more and more. i started watch more straight porn with bigger and bigger dicks in it. First it didn´t bother me to much, because it was still straight porn. But one day, by mere accident, i stumbled upon transporn. And it aroused me like every other new fetish before, it was intense. Somehow i became attracted to a mans groin area. Don´t get me wrong, i still like women and don´t think the male physique in general is arousing, just the groin area. So trans porn was a match made in heaven. I didn´t try gay porn yet, but i guess i would have no problem fapping to that too (just by Looking at the dick), not sure though and i honestly don´t want to try. So this was the point where i started to spiral downwards with anxiety. I questioned everything. If i like this, maybe i´am gay in denial. You need to know, because of this PMO thing, i never felt the need to engange in real sexual behaviour. Just going to my cave and PMOing seemed so much more convient and to be honest, exciting. So to this date (i am 22) i am a virgin. I always thought, that because i watched straight porn, i am straight. But now that i started to like more male focused porn, this illusion shattered. What do i really like? What is my real sexual orientation? I started became really anxious and torn about what i like, what i am sexually? i started checking behaviours, like comparing my arousal to women with my arousal for men. I started to check if i would act like a gay person would. Fantazising of having a relationship with a men vs a women and comparing how it felt. And the Feelings are very conflicting. Some days i would feel like i am straight, some days i would feel like i am gay. But it Always felt like something was wrong, that those feelings were not genuine. Never something clearly. So at this point i am desperate and all this checking lead me to nothing. I feel like PMO stripped me of my real sexual orientation or never let me develop it in the first place. That is why i need to stop. i want to find the real me and not be this anxious, confused Person anymore. I hope, stopping PMO will help me to see Things more clearly and will help my progress in this journey.
Thanks for reading this guys. please let me know, if you shared similar experiences and how it turned out for you.

TL;DR: Watched a lot and many different porn genres for many years. Became somewhat hypersexual in the progess and be able to fap to almost anything. This made me question my sexuality, become anxious and confused. I need to stop PMO.

 

thanks dude,

it is so confusing, my first step will be getting rid of porn. I hope this will make things clearer
Good luck to you too in your journey. Getting rid of porn is so tough. I already tried a few times, but never made it.
But we can do this!

I hope you finde happiness as well!

 

Thanks man, this actually means a lot!
Would be really nice to hear about how things turn out for you in the end.
I wish you all the best.
OCD and anxiety suck, and porn is definitly a bigger issue than i would have ever dreamed of.
But i am sure we will come out on top of it.

 

yeah, i know. tried quitting PMO a few times and always had a relapse on some point. Good Thing this time is, that this whole anxiety problem makes me not wanting to watch porn at the moment. Just want to quit having a sexuality right now to be honest. it is just stressfull and not enjoyable one bit anymore.
I don´t even know why i am so anxious. Being gay/bi is not even bad. I know many happy gay people and was never homophobic in the past.
why does the thought of possibly beeing not straight bother me so much.

 

Yeah, you are absolutely right. I think, for me the anxiety is not even because i might like men, it is more about the fear of loosing the attraction to women. That the attraction i had for so Long was all fake, just a kink acquired through porn. That is what scares me the most. But i am determined now to get rid of my porn addiction and what ever person i turn out to be after that (straight, gay, bi, pan whatever it is), i will do my best to accept it. Because thats just who i am, i won´t be able to change that and life is to damn short to make it miserable myself. I Had a relapse the day before yesterday, felt good one day and today my anxiety came back with a force. It is always like that. I feel good, confident, anxiety free shortly after (P)MO and then shit hits the fan again.
This hypersexualisation bothered me more and more through the years of my PMO addiction and now i can´t stand it anymore. I want to be able to watch a god damn movie, Play a game, read a book, hear a podcast even for once without getting some urges and obsessing about sex. I am confident, that it can only get better from here. Feels good Talking with you man! We can do this.

 

yeah had that day today and relapsed. It is so hard. Yeah first week is hell. But i won´t give up now. congrats to your 11 Days, stay strong!

 

First relapsed three times on day 3 and 4. Those were pretty hard days, after that it got easier. I started to use some pornblock addons and programs. Deinstalled social media apps just to reduce potential triggers. It´s working well so far. Hope i can keep the streak going! My sleep pattern changed, i´am waking up pretty early (unsually early and not well rested) with porn dreams and anxiety which i can´t shake all day. I almost completely lost interest in women and i don´t really want to watch porn right now, so it is pretty easy at the moment.
How is it going for you? I see you relapsed on your last streak of 11 days?

 

This morning a pretty big urge hit me and i relapsed. Feels bad, but i was better than last time. Acceptance is really important! It´s the first and most important step to make change. Keep going! I will start my new streak right away.