12 years of porn addiction

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by MnT, May 4, 2019.

  1. MnT

    MnT Fapstronaut

    15
    11
    3
    Hello you all,

    I want to share my 12 yo story regarding PMO and how it affected me. This is the 1st time i say this story and share this with anybody.

    IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THE ENTIRE STORY I HAVE A SUMMARY AT THE END

    I'm currently 23 years old and my porn addiction started over 11 years ago, so more then half of my life i have been addicted to this. I still remember the 1st movie I saw, now thinking back i realize how much of an important moment that was, unfortunately in the negative way. That happened when i was in 5th grade. After that i was doing at least a couple of PMOs everyday until grade 11th when i met this beautiful girl i felt in love with instantly.

    [Extra Story] Well, here is my first failure in my love life. I used to hang out with the girl often, taking long walks and going out to eat. Anyway she was thinking about me as a friend, while i was madly in love with her. As a young boy who was always gaming and watching porn, i was uninteresting and now i'm not mad at her for not finding me interesting.

    [Continuation of Initial Story] This was the 1st time in 6 years i took breaks of PMOs, everyday i would see her, i would not PMO. When 12th grade ended was the last time i saw her, and i was an emotional wreck. Anyway, as big of a wreck I was i kept the habit of not PMOing everyday and i was slowly recovering my mental health. This happened until the 2nd semester of the of the 2nd year in college. Also i was PMOing 4-5 times a week.

    [Extra Story] I meet another beautiful girl, this time, she was in a worse mental state than i was, she just split with her boyfriend. Like with the 1st girl we used to go out often. But i was still not that interesting of a guy. I was just quiting video games i wasn't taking good care of me, i was just about the floating line. Anyway, i was into her, she wasn't into me (but i think at one moment she was, and i missed the opportunity).

    [Continuation of Initial Story] After i split with the 2nd girl i was a huge wreck, PMOing everyday, i was a massive wreck, with moods changing from hour to hour, usually from intense depression to intense anger, i was contemplating suicide. Until one day an ex-colleague from high-school gave me call and asked me if i want to come to the gym with him, this happened in november 2017 and i said yes (I rarely spoke with that guy and i rarely do now, i believe it was God giving me a sign trough my ex-colleague giving me a call, now i am thankfull to my colleague, he doesn't even know how big that phone call impacted my life). Me going to the gym was the best thing that happened to me and helped me slowly turn my life around.

    R[year] - number of times i PMO every month in [year]
    B[year] - number of times i went to the gym every month in [year]
    SS.PNG

    I had a slow start regarding PMO this year, today i don't even know what day of nofap i'm in, could be somewhere between 8 and 12 days, but i am sticking with 8. Since my 1st porn movie back in 5th grade i never a had a PMO break longer than 10 days. But i am determined to make it stick.

    SUMMARY
    All worst to the best, so what i leaned in those years ?
    3. Time - time is valuable, don't waste it. I was addicted to PMO for more then half of the time I have been on this earth
    4. Energy - PMO is a waste of energy, i had 2 days this year when i haven't been to the gym because i PMOed.
    5. Confidence killer - i don't think i need to add anymore here
    6. At 23 yo i am still single and i never had a GF, i would like to say it's because of PMO but that would be a lie. I take full responsibility for ruining probably what could have been the nicest part of my love life. I believe that blaming PMO is a lack of responsibility from my side, so i take full ownership for this failure
    1. Gym was the answer i was looking for, it is my passion and my escape, i go everyday this helping me get 3 hours each day when i can't PMO.
    2. Working - i am now a full time employee, this is another 9 hours + 1 on the road where i can't PMO. After gym and work i am exhausted also i don't have time.


    [Extra Story] Back when i was 9th grade (2 years before the 1st girl) there was this girl who was massively into me, but i didn't realize at the time. The 1st time she saw me she said "hey, can i hug you ?". I fell so dumb now, this and the 12 years of PMO are currently my only regrets.

    Why am i telling you these stories about the girl ?
    Well, i believe that they had indirectly a big role in my current PMO addiction, so I would like you to learn from my mistakes.

    Thank you for reading my story,
    Hope you the best and don't forget to never ever give up,

    Yours truly,
    Michael
     
  2. LonelyStrength

    LonelyStrength Fapstronaut

    56
    56
    18
    Wow, powerful testimony! and Good luck to you, keep fighting the good fight!
     
    MnT likes this.
  3. Nanni

    Nanni Fapstronaut

    96
    117
    33
    Very good! This telling of your life gives you honour and value. That's what a divine project means: the biggest things come from the humble ones
     
    llortaton and MnT like this.
  4. MnT

    MnT Fapstronaut

    15
    11
    3
    Hello,

    I would like to document this journey for those of you who are interested,

    [Topics in the story and what i learned]

    1. Nofap is a tool, that works with traits i developed to achieve goals I set for myself. Nofap will not work for me if i don't have a goal in mind.
    Goals i set for myself: - getting financially independent,
    - getting fit, both mentally and physical
    - helping other people
    As you can see, those are both long term and short term, i keep focused on my goals and ignore the urges.
    2. Taking whats bad and turning it to my advantage. So i will speak about the goddess of lust and my stoic knight.
    I take those 2 distinct traits that i have, make them into fictional personages and turn this to my advantage forming a somewhat comical situation. Whenever i feel the urge, i ask the goddess "Why ?". After that the next thought is something like "wtf am i doing, lol" and just laugh about the crave. Takes pressure off.


    [Long Story begins here] - None of the personalities actually "said" anything, it's just a dramatization of how i interpreted and it also help me expressing the point i am trying to make clearer.

    So like I said i don't exactly know when this journey started but i am going to stick with 9 days. In the past 2 years i averaged about 2-3 PMOs a week, this means once every 2-3-4 days. Having got passed the routine I am now close to beat my 10 days personal record.

    So how was "the war" inside my head after day 4 and until now ?

    [Story] While browsing the forums I read a nice theory, that is that the human is made up from more personalities that form a whole (unfortunately i wasn't able to find that post again, maybe somebody can link it). It said something about the goddess of lust (gol). I find this theory very interesting so I am going to stick with it from now on.
    For me these days where interesting, especially the 2nd part of day 6, also in day 7 my gol was "yelling" at me, i felt the urge to P most of those days, also at the beginning of day 8. I have no idea how I got away without P.

    [Context] Over the last 2 years i worked on myself to develop discipline, this was made through the gym. It was a slow process but i am now above the floating line with this trait that i created. It is part of my life now so I am going to reference it as as a distinct personality just like gol, i'm going to call this one the stoic knight (sk).

    [Story continuation] I believe that sk was the one that got me through the mentioned days, but it was somewhat strange, because while gol was out there, in the open demanding what it wanted, sk was silent, the only thing it had to say was "c'mon, we are going to the gym now, no porn, this will ruin our workout".
    After the 1st part of day 8, gol went silent. I could still feel the urge there, but it wasn't on the frontline like it was in the past 48 hours. As I am writing this, she is still somewhere in the shadows, lurking, changing tactic.
    As the urge is most of the time absent, but i feel the curiosity to "just watch a bit" of P or "is that thing still working, why don't you check" ?
    I know for a fact that these are gols tricks, and i won't give in to them.
    [the end for now, i will continue this series for those interested]

    P.S. i want to add, that i'm prepared that in case i fail, i will come back stronger. If i fail after x days, that ok, i'm already past my personal record, i will come back and push harder after that. I'm not thinking about the fail, i'm just prepared in case that happens.
    As always, stay strong,


    Yours truly,
    Michael

    Found the thread, highly recommend it: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/the-porn-goddess.230204/#post-2029725
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2019
  5. Nanni

    Nanni Fapstronaut

    96
    117
    33
    That's very nice. If it's gonna help you in your recovery, it's ok. But if I can give you a suggestion of mine, don't think about the case of relapsing.

    As you look up, you have more possibilities to jump high in the air. But if you look down, you'll just be able to jump very shortly. So please, look in the air and try to stop forever.

    Then, try to give the right value to the things: if you see PMO as a goddess, a monster or something that you can't fight, you're probably going wrong, because you psychologically put yourself in a lower position, and this ain't gonna work for becoming a more mature and free man.

    Hope I've been useful for you
     
    MnT and LonelyStrength like this.
  6. MnT

    MnT Fapstronaut

    15
    11
    3
    Hello,

    So this is an update to my journey so far.

    DAY 10 : I have felt a major increase in my energy. This was clear at the gym where i had enough time for 8 more sets than usual. No urge this day.
    DAY 11-12 : The energy is still there, but at also an increasing craving for P (after the decrease in the past days). in day 12, i had a slight decrease of discipline and i viewed some pics. I wouldn't call them pornographic but they were definitely provocative. Will increase the number of sets for this mistake.

    Stay strong bros.
     
  7. JesusStrength

    JesusStrength Fapstronaut

    357
    99
    28
     
  8. JesusStrength

    JesusStrength Fapstronaut

    357
    99
    28
    If you didn't have PIED or lost of libido and feel horniness in your dick then go get pussy.. Keep trying
     
    MnT likes this.
  9. MnT

    MnT Fapstronaut

    15
    11
    3
    Hello,

    Day 13, so today was a tough day, the nofap energy is there, but today was hard to focus, i got a new spike in the urge to watch P, probably as strong as in days 6 and 7 (the previous spike). The intensity of the craving was the same, but the the duration was 2-3 hours, not 2 days.
    I worked at home these days, so me being alone with my laptop, i'm actually not sure how much of this craving was caused by the actual porn addiction and how much was because of the habit of doing it when i was alone with the laptop.
    As i'm writing this the spike appears to have passed, but i feel like my brain is exhausted (probably because of the dopamine), can somebody please share an explanation for this feeling?

    Tomorrow is also going to be a difficult day, since friday was the day i usually PMOed. I'm probably going to go out tomorrow, just to make sure i won't have when to relapse as i'm feeling vulnerable right now.

    Better times are coming for us so keep strong bros!
     
  10. MnT

    MnT Fapstronaut

    15
    11
    3
    Hello people,

    I never wanted to post daily, but god damn it this week was tough, especially the last 3 days were pure grinding in this nofap journey. Mentally i'm exhausted, probably because of the porn absence combined with a very busier than usual week.
    So the craving for porn was present in the last 3 days, yesterday was he worst.
    Also I now feel like my "little boy" is very easy to stimulate these days, very sensible when it comes to random touches.
    Also, today was the 2nd day in a row with morning wood, also it was much stronger today than it was yesterday.
    Other than that the only difference i saw today was a slight decrease in porn craving.

    Keep strong people, if i can do it you can too.
     
  11. LonelyStrength

    LonelyStrength Fapstronaut

    56
    56
    18
    limit yourself from the access of porn, especially when you get those temptations, this way you don't fall as easy, an example of mine getting rid of my phone and other devices that might tempt me, keep going, good luck
     
    MnT likes this.
  12. MnT

    MnT Fapstronaut

    15
    11
    3
    Just a bad step in a long journey.

    I could feel the pressure climbing in the past days and today it got the best of me. I am not mad or sad but i am also not happy, since i knew that after 12 years of PMO addiction a thread here wasn't going to stop it forever.
    What it did though it helped me double my PR from 10 to ~22 days. Almost a month wow. I wasn't expecting this the time I PMOed last month. So thank you guys !

    The motive for this fail was because i hadn't stopped all the provocative sources. I was constant checking, in the past 2 weeks, videos and photos, they were not porn but they were provocative.
    I knew those provocative things will bring this nofap session down, but I felt invincible and it finally proved something that i knew and was to proud to do something about it.
    I will now reset the counter, my target for the new nofap session is to beat my 22 days PR.

    A failure but also a lesson learned, time to start again.

    Yours,
    Michael
     
  13. LonelyStrength

    LonelyStrength Fapstronaut

    56
    56
    18
    22 days is Awesome! , now you know you can surpass that, keep yourself in check, try to out smart yourself, especially those pictures, if you think something can tempt you, girls, boobs, or what ever.. look away or eliminate it, don't let it seduce you, take the extra step to boost your will and determination to stop, get rid of those triggers! Good luck and Keep Moving Forward!!
     
    MnT likes this.
  14. MnT

    MnT Fapstronaut

    15
    11
    3
    Hello everybody,

    This last period ended in another fail, that's the reason for me coming back on this topic.
    I made the exact same mistake as the last time, so i made the decision to change the timer to strictly no P. I know that if i eliminate this, i am going to also eliminate MO.

    A bit disapointed to be honest, i was expect more from this streak but if 10 (actually i am going to count them 11 because i missed by 3 hours).

    Time to start again and that's exactly what i will do, i already got myself "BlockSite" for my phone, for PC i actually don't have anything. My trigger was caused by my phone those 2 times.

    I actually will stick to my old goal for this streak, that is reducing my no. PMOs overall and check to see how this will go.

    In the days 7, 10 and 11 i felt a constant urge for P, which eventually got the best of me. Anyway i have noticed a major decrease in the intensity of the urge, this current streak. I mean it didn't last as long as in the 1st and also i wasn't that intense.

    Also will update this with a pic of my excel record, the disapointed sentiment disapears when i see this because i know that last month i didn't even dream about having only 2 PMOs this month, it still blows my mind.

    R-means PMO/ per month in that year
    B-means going to the gym per month in that year

    p.PNG

    Only 2 PMOs for this month wouldn't have been possible w/o you guys so I want to thank you for that.(aiming to go to the gym in the remaining 3 days to keep this at 26/2).

    Best luck guys,
    Yours,
    Michael
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2019
  15. bikinhappy

    bikinhappy Fapstronaut

    237
    195
    43
    Wonderful statistic, you're onto something great man... keep up the hard work!!
     
    MnT likes this.
  16. LonelyStrength

    LonelyStrength Fapstronaut

    56
    56
    18
    That is awesome! you got it made!
     

Share This Page