117 days then reset 'what I learned'

Good luck!

 

Very nice streak! Sure it doesn't beat your longest but it's even better since you've noticed something that has changed this time, deep inside you, and that's fantastic.

I find it very interesting that you had an urge to "get back" to watch P as if it was a default go-to at that time, and that you were utterly disappointed in what you found. That must have brought a dire hit to your unconscious representation of P (the one that brought you back to it). It's a powerful tool you'll be able to use from now on, that you'll never lose.

Congratulations on starting again and not falling appart

 

Interesting post . . . I'm a bloke and have had similarly regretful sexual experiences, I hope it hasn't dragged you back too much!

You're totally right, when you put porn in context there should be nothing appealing about it at all. But I guess it takes a while to get to that point. Though even after a month of nofap I feel that I have a stronger feel for the emotions of girls and other people generally (not 100% of the time but generally speaking). Watching porn is all about having no rules/morals/ or intimacy as you describe Kristen. Once you can see porn for what it really is, I think there's no stopping you

 

G

Good luck Kristen!

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. I relate to a lot of the things you said, needing to feel accepted, wanted, beautiful. Pretending to like things you hated, acting. Sex feeling disassociated and numb. All my life I haven't really felt ownership over my body, I don't really feel like it's me. It's just a thing that I use and other people use. I only just recently realized that I have this disconnect that allows me to self-objectify without even feeling like I am self-objectifying. Reading your experience makes it more clear to me what I have been going through. This self-realization that you are describing, seeing your personal experience in the girl in the porn-I think this is an important step forward towards healing.

Best wishes to you on your journey.

 

Hopefully this is some learning you are getting and not rationalisation to take you to watch more porn to see if you can identify with all of the other porn actresses.

 

Day 45. Half way through. Great! No urges, no intrusive thoughts. I don't feel like watching P. I've added 15 days more to the counter.

In my other challenge (chatting) I've reached 8 days. Good. I don't feel like chatting. That's a good sign.

 

Kristen... your revelation about how the girl is feeling is spot on. I am a man, and I used this technique for regular porn a couple of years ago, and it completely turned me off.

I would look into their eyes, and you could tell they didn't want to be doing what they are doing. Some are better actors than others. But there is no way anyone would WANT to have their face plastered all over the internet doing those things.

For a while, I had a lot of difficulty with femdom type stuff,or even financial domination. It's a little harder to picture them as being exploited. Usually they are doing the exploiting of men, most don't take their clothes off. Some collect money from men while remaining completely clothed, just by pushing the right buttons.

So I was having a hard time coming up with a mental technique to make femdom "unappealing". But ... I imagined them off camera crying that they had to resort to this for income, ashamed,embarrassed. Some of these femdom ladies may be sociopaths that don't feel bad about it all all,but that doesn't stop me from imagining that they hate doing it.

Anything to "weaken" the fantasy so that it is not arousing or sexy. Best of luck to you

 

I can relate to the dissociation. I pretty much can't remember a time that I didn't dissociate. It's caused most memories to be a blur, among other things.

Life has passed me by and I've felt like a kid in the aquarium, staring at the fish. Only, I am the fish and somehow the fish has been operating on some subconscious and primative level in order to get by.

I think that the most important part of recovery is self awareness. Relapses can teach us things, if we let them, if they do happen. It sounds like you allowed yourself to learn from this.

Keep on going. You are rediscovering humanity. I think that dissociating and voyeurism turns us into something less than human. It takes all of the human experience out of these things.

There is so much involved and leading up to a real act of love making or even just a hook up. There is trust, emotional connection, flirting, friendship... the act itself is so small in comparison. Even if a video was a real clip of two people making love or connection, which is highly improbable as people making love understand intimacy is about something that only they share and no one else, it would still be like this little tiny snippet of the lives of these two people.

Anyway, great post.

 

Hey I am on day 112 of hardcore no PMO today. This is my first time getting a big streak and I was wondering how things get farther in. Like what causes a relapse after such a long streak? Do you just get bored and start to not care about a relapse or does the urge become so strong you cant control it? Is it possible to abstain indefinitely or is a relapse inevitable at some point? I guess to answer my own question it all depends on personal self discipline will power control and goals. Anyway just intetested to see how things go deep into a streak and the psychology behind it.

 

Kristen, sorry for a really newbie question, but when a girl stops masturbating, what physical benefits do you get? do you get the increase on energy as us men get?? I've always wondered this, sorry if this is a stupid question

 

Raw as it is, that's a beautiful reflection. It really does put it into perspective when we remember that P actresses are real people . . . someone's daughter and sister . . . A young woman who is probably going through a lot of pain and is likely being exploited terribly . . . and here we are MO to that.