1 year report

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by izdwuut, Jun 6, 2018.

  1. izdwuut

    izdwuut Fapstronaut

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    I have originally posted this on /r/NoFap but it get virtually no recognition, so I decided that it would be nice to publish it here. I leave it in it's original form.

    tl;dr the only hub that I visit now is GitHub

    Intro

    I managed to live a single year without PMO (not including my child years. It didn’t strike me back then that urinating is not the only activity that penis could participate in). Hooray! I’m going to celebrate my birthday on 2nd July, but I feel like it’s an early birthday present for me. I sincerely thank you, the Universe!


    Bumpy road

    Phew. It’s my third attempt to NoFap. My first attempts ended up at about half a year mark as I found it impossible to resist my urges. This time I found more strength in me and I was able to top my longest streak. I started my journey about 3 years ago. I remember feeling completely shattered in every way I consider possible: emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. I found my mind so scattered that I felt like Rayman trying to collect all the looms. From the very beginning I was working hard on undoing my self-abuse. In fact I was working so vigorously that I had to deal with some major breakdowns along the way. I reminiscent the road to be pure madness at times. I found myself frequently suffering through the recovery. Today I see it as an integral part of the healing process. Now I feel being enriched by happiness, and I believe that my previous experience helps me to accept and fully embody it.

    As of lately I was going through some emotional states that I’d encircle as the spiritual crisis. I think that I wasn’t in align with myself, and I consider this to be the major source of my issues. I’m constantly working on reinforcing my sense of well being and I already see great results. I think that I’m no longer suicidal. I now see my depression mainly as a defense mechanism. As far as my awareness goes, I perceive that it clicks when I get overwhelmed with negative emotional states. I now live my life accompanied with a wonderful sense of happiness. I feel that I have finally managed to pierce my armor of numbness! Sometimes I feel my emotions so vividly that I can’t help but cry out of sheer joy. Despite some challenging moments that I was required to get through, now I simply adore being alive. I wasn’t even remotely wishing for such a marvelous outcome and it has totally blown me away.

    Your mileage may vary, although I have recently noticed that my acne slowly gets better. I see major improvements over the course of past couple of years. I didn’t aim for getting rid of it, so I see it as a nice surprise. I’d ascribe it to general shift in my lifestyle. I consider it to be an indicator that I’m on the right track. I think that it keeps improving as I keep on taking more extensive care of myself and I’d recommend just that. I still get occasional outbreaks, but I see the trend to be rather positive.


    Staying occupied

    I think that learning how to apply sublimation was crucial to my recovery. I found it useful to spend my freshly attained energy on things that I consider productive, like doing work for my uni. For some time I was the best student in my faculty, so I think that I did really great!

    Since my childhood I dreamed of becoming a game developer. I have already put some hours into fulfilling this wish and I believe that I’m going to achieve that in no time! Lately I felt repulsion for my PC, but fortunately it has passed. For a rather lengthy moment I was forced to put it astray and work on enhancing my other qualities. I start an IT internship next month and I was afraid that I’d be incapable of attending it. It would undoubtedly break me, for a couple of reasons:
    • I have discovered that I love money.
    • I will be working part-time, which would possibly leave me less drained.
    • I don’t give up easily.
    • I simply love to code, despite it being hard on me.
    • But mostly money.
    I have armed myself in adequate amounts of faith, therefore I believe that I’m going to be just fine!


    Things that helped me

    While work might be crucial to my survival, it isn’t the only factor that keeps me on track:
    • Video games - For several years I couldn’t find any real interest in video games, an activity that resonates with me so much. My destructive patterns disallowed me to enjoy them, but during this reboot I found courage to revive the hobby. I think that it was superb idea. I decided to review every title that I’d manage to finish. I’d recommend this approach, as it learns me how to constitute my opinion more freely. It also tremendously improved my English skills. I’m doing my best to verbally comment what’s going on the screen and soon I have noticed that I started to speak with less hesitations. It makes me feel that I spend my free time properly, so I perceive it as a win-win. I think that I have recently received a call to focus more on this hobby, so I’ll hopefully explore it even further.
    • Positive attitude - Prior to becoming a fapstronaut (I can’t get enough of the term) I was full of grief and straightforward hate. I decided to aid this by nourishing myself with love and it has lifted me to great heights. I came to a conclusion that I’d most likely benefit the most from almost solely focusing on myself. I started from expelling any negative thoughts that were undermining my self-esteem. Then I started to slowly cheer myself up. I was whispering some warm words to myself, like “I wholeheartedly love you!”, “don’t you give up!” or “you’ll do even better next time!”. I didn’t expect it to have such tremendous impact on me. It has reliably reinforced my positive inner voice as I started to slowly starve the grumpy one. I was also gently guided by Corinne Zupko's elaboration on ACIM – the whole new possibility that I’m yet to discover in depth. I think that it helped me to percolate me sense of faith up. Soon I started to notice that tides have turned. The sun have risen, and from now on it shines as bright as I remember it . My taste in music have shifted from black metal to more soothing sounds. Heck, now I wonder if Slime Rancher is an appropriate game for me as I’m concerned about ways slime are handled. I still love violent titles, although I feel prompted to put them away. If you didn’t already, why don’t you make yourself a treat and go check OwlBoy? I was amazed by it’s calming beauty and it offered me some peace when I was wandering through tenebrous moments. Maybe you’d find it uplifting, too?
    • Assertiveness - I’m working vigorously on my soft skills as I see how great I feel while developing them. Some guy from the /r/anxiety Discord channel recommended a source of self-help modules and I’m grateful that he did! I have discovered that I got assertiveness wrong the whole time. I mistaken it for aggressiveness and I was more than happy to re-establish my point of view. I feel how wondrously it enriches my personality. It provided me with some key CBT concepts – now I know that it’s up to my will to change any thought patterns that I find obsolete and unhelpful. I have experienced many benefits associated with implementing this style of communication:
      • I stand up for myself and act in a way that I respect, which boosts my self-esteem. I also find it complementary to rebuilding my confidence.
      • By focusing on expressing myself at the time, I found myself not building excessive amounts of resentment.
      • By being less preoccupied with other people, I feel that I’m less anxious.
      • (Finally!) I slowly regain my temper.

      The website is run by Australian government. I don’t think that it could get more credible than that.
    • Cold showers - I was skeptical at first, but I decided to see what’s all the fuss about. Soon I started to get used to them. I do them first thing in the morning, so I feel that they enable me with easier time waking up. I did some research and from what I understood they can work miracles so I totally see why they get so much praise out there. I think that anything that boosts one’s personal well-being is worthwhile, so I’m happy that it can have such great impact on you!
    • Meditation - When I was starting my NoFap journey, I read a comment on this subreddit that recommended to try meditation. As I got more skilled and experienced with it, I stopped considering it a good idea. Back in the days I was like “well those Buddhists are all so chilled. They may be saying along the lines something about ‘dark night’ crisis-like event, but those meditation guidelines look so temptingly approachable, what could possibly go wrong?”. Let’s say that the sense of atrophying void full darkness doesn’t particularly enrich my resume. From time perspective I reminiscent this emergency as fun, but it by no means ascribes my giggles. I suspect that I unleashed some long buried issues and it broke me big time. I had to step aside from meditation for a couple of weeks to collect my thoughts. During that period I focused on earthly affairs, and then I started to slowly reintroduce my spiritual practice. Now I do it only from time to time as a part of my hygiene regimen, and simply because I know how to use it to salvage some joy. I barely ever sit on a cushion anymore. I’d rather practice walking meditation. Despite all that I consider it to be a great self-help tool. It opened me up to spiritual realm and I can’t be more grateful for that.
    (In)famous last words

    I had mixed feelings about sharing this testimony. It required me to unbury parts of me that I consider hideous, and prior to writing this I wished them to remain hidden. Given that this subreddit offered me some help when I needed it the most, I decide to give back to the community. At first I was thinking about creating a throwaway, but I came to a conclusion that posting this testimony from my main account would hold me a bit more accountable. Composing the report was a challenge to me and I’m happy that I managed to publish it.

    I have a vague sense of what my future might look like, although I’m going to continue to improve myself during extended monk mode. Taking into consideration that I simply adore self-sufficiency, I think that I’m going to dive into sustainability. I’m feeling uncertain. I hope to gift you with another testimony next year, written by future me who would hopefully feel even more successful than he is now.

    Stay positive!
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2018
  2. Wadyguan

    Wadyguan Fapstronaut

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    What an incredible story. I appreciate how thorough you were. I wish you the best on your internship and your journey friend!
     
  3. izdwuut

    izdwuut Fapstronaut

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    Thanks! It was great joy to write this. I'm grateful that you appreciate it as it was a major turning point for me and it required some heavy lifting to come up with this report. I'm starting the internship next week and I have my fingers crossed. Thanks for cheering me up.
     
  4. Mr R.R

    Mr R.R Fapstronaut

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    Great job .Really helpful and motivating.keep posting as your post will help lots of people as long streak fapstronots don't share much of their experience s once they get better or completely healed.keep going strong and keep writing.
     
    izdwuut likes this.
  5. izdwuut

    izdwuut Fapstronaut

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    I totally understand this, as I can see it as taking means to protect oneself. I see it frightening to volunteer in here, because I feel scared that I would get overwhelmed with triggers. For the other hand I'm grateful for your encouragement. I experienced how even a slight glimpse of finally getting better was able to skyrocket my mood. I'd compare this to an omen of invigorating, spring air when all you saw for a couple of previous months was depressing, snowy scenery. I am willing to not let anxiety to get in my way as I'd certainly like to share this notion with you!
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2018
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. yeswecan18

    yeswecan18 Fapstronaut

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    congrats..one question?
    how do you practice walking meditation.. i've never meditated b4. could you point me to an article that helped you or briefly explain.. thanks and congrats once again on your journey..
     
  7. izdwuut

    izdwuut Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your admiration! I find it enriching to experience such a warm reception.

    There's a nice, relatively short sidewalk between my flat and bus stop (I recall that it takes me up to 2 rounds of breathing to get in there, i.e. counting from 1 to 10 and back) that takes me to my uni. As soon as I enter it, I start to focus on my breath, where counting breaths provides me with a sense of continuity. As of lately I started to experience a sense of detachment while practicing it, like I was Sun and planets were circling around me. For a brief moment I felt like I was merely an observer and life was going on anywhere but in me.

    As for the article, I was unable to link it to my report, as I'm a freshman and forum restricts me from attaching it. I started with Vipassana as described on Aloha Dharma website. I think that it would be a piece of cake to find it.
     
  8. C B

    C B Fapstronaut

    Huge congrats on one year! That's amazing; keep it up and never go back!
     
    Moon Shot likes this.
  9. Shapirro

    Shapirro Banned

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    A really interesting story. Thanks. You've done a great job.
     
  10. izdwuut

    izdwuut Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your warm words. I feel how nicely they compliment my journey.
     
  11. Cmv120

    Cmv120 Fapstronaut

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    Don't let it get you down, I've noticed a couple of people who have posted their stories on the subreddit and got nothing in return. A year is a hell of an achievement that you should be proud of. Ive never even got past 30 days!
     
  12. izdwuut

    izdwuut Fapstronaut

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    It saddened me at first. I was thinking: "I have put so much thought into this, why doesn't it get appreciated more?". I'm glad that I reminded myself of this community and I'm grateful that my story was received with enthusiasm that I was wishing for.

    For me it was just that at first - an achievement. I got some joy from it and that was it. Prior to registering here it didn't strike me how much effort can it take to break the habit. I think that I managed to distance myself from this. Now that I'm in my position I consider it to be the easiest thing in the world. Unfortunately as I read other people stories, I start to discover that it may not necessarily be the case for everyone.

    Not yet ;).
     
  13. Pyara31

    Pyara31 Fapstronaut

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    I enjoyed reading your story because it gripped me from the start. You presented it very nicely and chose words greatly. Just wanted to say congratulations on such a great journey and moreover acquiring such a wonderful mindset. Don't have any other words except wish you all the very best for the future.
     
  14. izdwuut

    izdwuut Fapstronaut

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    Thanks! I work vigorously on improving my wording. I sense that I find great ease in picking the right words. I think that it would benefit me if I'd broaden my vocabulary, as I believe that it would provide me with more tools to come up with even more meticulous creations.
    I'd like it to be an integral part of myself, as I consider it to be cut to fit.
    Much obliged.
     
  15. TheNewPat

    TheNewPat Fapstronaut

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    The ego is hilarious.
    I love learning to be independent of the good and bad opinions of others, and not needing a sense of approval from anyone but myself.

    Good on you man. I hope you continue on your path, sounds like it's really helping.
     
  16. izdwuut

    izdwuut Fapstronaut

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    Indeed. I also find it really tricky at times. And convincing, too! I'm amazed how quickly it learns. As I work on re-establishing a connection with myself, I notice that I have easier time discerning it's manipulations. Today I started my day from being bombarded with it's accusations that we have work to do, more so every task is of utter importance and we need to complete every single one of them, in that very instant. Now. I looked at it as an opportunity to potter around my Inner Sanctum. I see it as a place in my hearth free of everything but peace, populated only by me and my Higher Self. I perceive it to be a little like a farm in A Quiet Place, although I refuse access to it to anybody else, even my loved ones. I believe that it helps me to develop a sense of security, although I'm not feeling confident about sharing with details. I'd rather keep it private.
    Thanks!
     
    TheNewPat likes this.
  17. TheNewPat

    TheNewPat Fapstronaut

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    Lov
    Love it !
    Im gonna work on my private farm today!
    Haha
     
  18. izdwuut

    izdwuut Fapstronaut

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    I'm glad that you like it :). Have fun with that!
     
  19. en0026

    en0026 Fapstronaut

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  20. Dogwood

    Dogwood Fapstronaut

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