《~ DIARY ~ NO PMO FOR 90 DAYS/A LIFETIME? ~》

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by pmotina, Aug 23, 2017.

  1. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    Oh, I've forgotten to answer that aswell.
    I am going to sing the 'Ave Maria' once again.
    I've already sung it in summer for a wedding and people were even tearing up and my goals is to make the whole church cry.
     
  2. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    DAY 34

    i have to admit that i edged a bit.

    had two gigs the last two saturdays and even though i personally was not too content with my performance, everyone else was amazed and more and more opportunities start to arise now that i took the first step which is very cool and fulfilling.
    i wish i would have done that earlier, man! but better late than never. now it's my time. i feel it.
     
  3. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    DAY 3 (starting the new year off right, right?)

    speaking of "new year": this year seems to be the most terrifying one yet as some major changes will occur.
    by the time summer comes around, i will have finished school and probably move out from home to a huge city in order to jumpstart my career.
    just thinking about it gives me anxiety. one the one hand i do feel the urge to detach myself from my family and to start my own life, but on the other i still am my parents' baby girl it feels like. ughhh.
    i can only laugh about my past struggles, thinking of the challenges that await me in the future.

    something that i am excited about are some gigs and auditions that are coming up in feb and jan...even though they have the potential to stress me alongside with school...omg.

    i have some new years resolutions:
    - staying on nofap
    - cultivating more self-love/self-esteem
    - kickstart my career
    - run at least every other day
    - develop healthy eating habits
    - do my best in these last few months at school
    - minimize time on pointless social media, youtube scrolling etc.

    i am going to put these on a vision board so that i am focused every day.

    it really makes me nostalgic and feel blue how fast time passes. i can't seem to realize that my time at school is over soon. :'(

    i don't need to be fully grown up but all i ask is to be at least a bit more mature and not overemotional over topics like these.
    my peers seem to be excited af about the time after school...probably because they have straight forward, secure career plans while mine are far out of my comfort zone and i feel like i will be floating for a while...we'll see.

    i just want to live my best life, show up and especially seize the day more.
     
    sparkz likes this.
  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Very super encouraging! Glad to hear you are doing so well.
     
  5. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Sounds great! Your New Years resolutions are similar to mine. Best of luck!
     
    pmotina likes this.
  6. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I've read your journal from start to finish. A whole lot has changed and there was a bunch of information to cover.

    Firstly, I'm sorry you have to deal with so much. Depression, self harm tendencies, PCOS, unfaithful friends, other habits besides PMO, lots off stuff.

    You've done an amazing job hanging on and making good use of your talents. With all of the challenges you face, you've done an amazing job with keeping yourself happy and knowing what needs to be fixed.

    If it makes you feel better, I'm scared of the New Year as well. I'm hitting 18 in three months and there will be a whole ton on responsibilities and expectations with it.

    So you're not alone. I'm working on fixing that too

    I hope you find a nice group of friends and for you to be in a good relationship. Given which choices are made you could be really happy in time.

    Good luck and take care. :)
     
    pmotina likes this.
  7. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    DAY 14

    atm i'm having an arguement with one of my (former?) best friends.
    idk whether or not i want this friendship to go on. i know that i overreacted but i think it was because i kept things bottled up for too long.
    but the thing is also that my friend is pulling me down for some reason that i can't put into words.
    everytime i see them at school, i'm annoyed all of a sudden and i don't know what it is.
    they've also told me many times that i'm oh so important to them and what not but i am not feeling the same.
    every day since the arguement i've been questioning myself whether i can go on without them and my answer was always the same:"i don't care. i would get along somehow".
    which is sad. weird how things change. before i would've done everything to fight for this, but now i've lost interest.

    in two weeks i have an important gig coming up where i will be singing with others. i should stop making a competition out of all of this but it is stressing me af. lol
    in addition to that, i feel quite maltreated there as they did me quite dirty with the song choices tbh...but it's okay. i will stay professional and do my best. these b1tches will regret giving me only these few songs. lol

    whatever, i'm about to finish school very soon and i'm already feeling sentimental about it as time is flying by so fast and i can't seem to realize that i'm actually an adult right now. lol

    i'm more focused on self-love and self-care than ever and it really enriches my life. i do push-ups daily (open the heart chakra) and am as consistent with my freewriting practice than ever. i often find myself longing for someone to care about me and it is in these moments that i realize that i need to write again, as it is a practice to take CARE of MYSELF.

    time is flying so fast that i actually developed this anti-aging-complex even though i'm still a teen. i'm just so afraid of aging because i feel like i haven't made the best out of my young years (that are FLYING as i said) and i need to preserve my youth at least optically then. lol so weird

    i got a lot of things on my mind and i don't know what to focus on but i think it will show very soon.

    for now, i will replace going for a run 2-3 times a week with belly dancing as i need it for a project in school and for this upcoming gig so it is like killing two birds with one stone (ouch, that sounds brutal).

    that's about it.
    stay strong, y'all!♡
     
    goodnice 2.0 and Solomon435 like this.
  8. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry to hear about the bad time you've been having with your friend. I know how hard it is to get back up from that. A friendship should be mutual with each other, not where only one person benefits.

    I guess one thing I would suggest is tell your friend how you feel. It's difficult, but it may help. If they are closed minded about how you feel, then mayhaps it would be a better idea to find a different crowd.

    I am glad to hear that you're putting more emphasis on self care and love. It's very important to make sure you take care of yourself.

    I understand how scary it is to get older, it's not a blast and sometimes you lose sleep over it. I'm not quite sure how to fix it, but I have heard that the time passing is the brain paying less attention to the passage of time. One of the things that was recommended is to do new things so you're not glossing over the seconds as they go by.

    Good luck on your gig and school project! I can't imagine what would require you do to belly dancing, but I'm sure it'll be interesting.
     
    pmotina likes this.
  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Hiya @pmotina. Good to see ya. I think this:

    If you have someone in your life, and they bring little to no value to your life, just let them go. It doesn't mean that you should be mean and nasty to them. It doesn't mean you have some falling out argument that solidifies a departure. It doesn't even mean you go have some type of "goodbye" event to end the relationship. Never burn your bridges, for you may have to cross back over them one day. Beware of the people whose toes you step on today, for they may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow. Beware of those people you cross, for you may have to bear a cross for them one day. Then be nice and ignore her. Eventually, she'll get the message.
     
    Sun_shine and pmotina like this.
  10. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    DAY 1

    i've been relapsing like crazy lately! i can't even go for just like 2 or 3 days.
    life is so stressful right now that i need PMO to escape in away. i feel extremely ashamed because of the content that i've seen. also, my thoughts have become more perverted than ever and whenever i swear i say something vulgar like 'fuck'.

    i'm quite disappointed in myself as i thought i left this stage behind me for a long time and now i almost automatically watch P even though i know in that specific moment that i actually do not want to watch it but still i don't manage to fight against it.
    my self-sabotage game is strong af.

    this is my last month of school forever and i feel so torned about it. on the one hand i'm glad to finally be able to design my life the way i want to without school robbing me of valuable time, but on the other hand i'm almost emotional about it as this is another step to growing up that i do not quite feel ready to tbh.

    don't get me started on the following finals!

    i will move to a bigger city in order to study there...it's a huge step for me because it's about 6h away from my hometown. but something in me tells me that i NEED to go for it in order to grow and especially to kickstart my career.

    my career is another point that stresses me extremely. one day my vocals are amazing and i feel hopeful when it comes to pursuing a career in that field (which has been my dream since i was 5y/o) but the other day they are terrible again and on top i feel extremely uninspired and uncreative and overall just not fitting for a creative career. it's frustrating as i do not have a plan b and in general i feel like a misfit. lol

    lately, i only want to crawl into a hole in the ground and not come out before all of these uncomfortable things have been taken care of by someone else.
    THAT's why i'm so much into PMO. it's my form of escapism.

    i'm glad that i have this forum to talk about it. in RL, i do not feel comfortable talking to someone about it and it's even more uncomfortable to have a secret that you cannot share with somebody.

    the other week, i bought this e-book on NoPMO which was absolutely ridiculous actually as i knew everything i've before already and i found myself relapsing afterwards. lol

    when will i learn to finally take action in my life?!

    there's this 3k run in my school that i need to train for because i desperately WANT 100% for it. at the moment, i'm on a 70-80% level but i'm sure that when i train for it, i will be able to reach my goal.
    this last month of school is all about collecting the best grades possible. it seems to work out quite well in the most cases. there are some teachers that don't seem to acknowledge my efforts but i will not stress too much about it. i will continue to do my best and in one month it's over anyways (luckily!).

    it feels there are so much more things on my mind that i still cannot get out after this long post. omg

    to shed some light on the positives; i read to books by oprah winfrey and i loved it so much. i want to be as powerful as her one day. also, it felt like the books brought me closer to God and i think this stressful time in my life is perfect for more transcendence.
    i've been thinking for a while to get a religious symbol on my ankle as a reminder that God keeps me steady, humble and just my feet on the ground in times like this. but we'll see!

    that's about it for now.

    stay strong, y'all! ♡
     
    Mr. Tumnus and Solomon435 like this.
  11. Alaiza

    Alaiza Fapstronaut

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    I just read your entries and I want to congratulate you!
    I am sorry to hear about your low self-steem problems. But just for you to know I find that you have a lot of virtues, you have determination, self-discipline, perseverance, principles and I find you are very brave. And from what you say I can imagine you are talented too. I hope you value all this!
    About feeling like you don't fit, I also felt like that years ago, and then I just realized that I was just not with the right people. In high school I felt pretty much like you, life was not going like I wanted. After that, things got better and better. I wish you the best and I am sure, you will find interesting and exciting people in the upcoming years!
    Keep your internal force :)
     
  12. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Try not to beat yourself up, this is a stressful time in your life. You're feeling uncertain about your future. I know the feeling, I'm going through something similar at the moment. Glad your faith in God is providing you with reassurance. When you feel stressed and uncertain, instead of turning to PMO, pray. Pour your heart out to God. Write it all down or speak to him. Or try going for a run, colouring in, playing Tetris (these are good too). Find encouragement in the Bible. Talk to us on NoFap. I know sometimes the urges are very strong. At the very least, try to avoid porn. If it's making you feel worse, try to avoid it, and do something else instead to lower your stress, like the things I suggested.

    You will take action in your life - you already are. You're pursuing a music career, studying for your finals. You ARE taking action. And I admire you for your ambition and determination to follow your dreams.

    Hope this helps x
     
    Solomon435 likes this.

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