《~ DIARY ~ NO PMO FOR 90 DAYS/A LIFETIME? ~》

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by pmotina, Aug 23, 2017.

  1. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    Hi!

    So I first started NoFap in May 2017 and went strong for 21 days but relapsed then. From then on, I never managed to get longer than 15 days.
    I am struggling with depression for like four years now. My depression is definitely NOT primarily due to masturbating once-twice a week (or how much i did it regularly throughout these years)but specific traumatas that i don't want to dive in into deep right now.
    But since my depression got worse over the past 2 years I often find myself using masturbation as an escape mechanism which escalated into watching porn and masturbating up to three times a day which consumed a lot of time and energy (gotta find the porn with the right moans, y' know?)and i felt so guilty about that and I don't want to do that anymore. Also, I finally want to pursue my goals and dreams and I really could use that extra energy.

    Currently, I'm on day 8 and I'm feeling very down today which is mostly due to longterm friendships that are going downhill since we're changed to much and stuff which is very hard for me to swallow and to accept. Especially, since I have only like one friend left and the others have enough others to replace me. For the upcoming school year, I need to socialize more and hopefully find some LOYAL friends. I'm over these fake friends squads who smile on the group photos but intriguing each other behind their backs.

    Whatever, I feel very tempted to masturbate, but I want to go strong for at least 90 days to see if I notice any benefits.

    LET'S DO THIS!!!!!
     
  2. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    Thinking about making this a life time thing if it works and if I'm benefitting off of this. So not even masturbating when having sex but making my partner stimulate me.
    (After all, i do the same for him, don't i? Idk if I'm brainwashed already by NoFap but I don't believe in this whole mutual masturbating thing anyways since then you can already skip the sex part, go ahead and go off on your own, if you know what I mean?)
    What do you think about this?
     
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  3. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    *DAY 9*

    I have one week of summer break left and I fucked up my sleeping cycle - again. And even IF I have slept I don't feel rested which is mostly due to being depressed and struggling with disordered eating - which I forgot to wrote even though it's a major part of my life.
    I refuse to eat because I either have no appetite or am to lazy for it and also, I don't allow it myself to feel full and satisfied after eating (low self-esteem) and use it as a form of control mechanism since I feel like I lost the control over a lot in life....
    Some weeks I eat better, some I eat worse. At the moment, I'm having a bad episode you could say.
    These eating habits also cause me to have an irregular menstruation aswell and I don't know that is probably why my drive is so low at the moment.

    Wow, now that I wrote that down I notice how I really suck at basic life skills like eating and sleeping. No wonder why I'm so low energy and lethargic all the time. Don't even ask if I exercise. lol

    Well, I need to get it together. I don't want to 'live' like this anymore.
    That I'm still on NoFap shows me that I have control at least over SOMETHING which gives me quite a confidence boost.
    The thought of eating way more than I am now in the future causes kind of unrest because some nasty voice tells me not to because I'm not worthy of it but I'm going to ignore it and to feed myself again. I hope it's giving me my menstruation back aswell and that I can keep doing it continuously.
    I need the energy to make my life goals a reality, man and I'm feeling that I'm on a good way right now.

    LET'S DO THIS
     
  4. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    *DAY 10*

    some light urges but nothing special.
     
    Eleanor likes this.
  5. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    *DAY 11*

    what i noticed is that my panties are like soaking wet all the time. lol
    other than that, the drive i am hoping for and that usually comes around around the 14-day mark isn't there yet.

    i really should focus on eating more and better again in order to get my period back and to get my sexual organs working properly but it's so hard for me.

    i don't feel like eating, have no appetite and am feeling down all the time and stuff. you know how depression works, don't you? i feel like giving up and just masturbate but not this time. i'm GONNA make it to 90 days and get myself together.

    so my goal is to focus on getting my proper period back.

    i will have to stretch my comfort zone massively to leave this disordered-eating-habits-mindset behind me. it's frightening. but the magic happens outside the comfort zone, doesn't it?
     
  6. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    NoFap DAY 13

    some urges here and there and i found myself cheating by watching hot female music videos. i'm definitely trying to stop that though. meditation, which i'm currently doing again instead of writing morning pages, will help this.
    idk if it's a good change since i want to be a singer-songWRITER and through writing morning pages i could train my skills better. it's also a form of meditation but it's very time consuming and doesn't feel like meditating. real meditation itself seems to be more powerful to me and gives me the actual benefits. on nofap, i experience meditation way deeper and stronger for some reason. i read somewhere that nofap opens the door to another spiritual world or something and i feel like this might be true.

    bless y'all & stay strong on this journey!!
     
    Eleanor likes this.
  7. StephenUK

    StephenUK Guest

    Hey, I'm starting to cheat a little with trying to watch certain things that aren't quite P, so I know the feeling. I feel like it's just opening the door to a relapse though as it just encourages the urge to PMO, so I need to try harder to resist. Well done on your streak, keep going!
     
    pmotina likes this.
  8. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    NoFap Day 14 *YAS*

    i can't believe i managed to get through two weeks again! wow!!
    but after this huge urge that i had like 10 minutes ago, i'm realizing it more since from day 14 on things always start to get crazy.
    i just was so horny that i was about to look up reasons why it might be okay to masturbate - especially since i'm very stressed out and anxious at the moment and really could use a relief!
    but then i thought about the way i usually feel after i locked myself in the bath room to have some fun with the shower head if you know what i mean...guilty, spaced out and blue.
    i definitely start to feel sexually frustrated but i want to save myself, my sexual energy up for somebody who's worth it and until the one doesn't walk into my life, imma use that energy for (creative)projects and basically living and improving my life.

    i also definitely do think that i never want to masturbate again - even when having sex with a partner that could possibly be turned on by that.
    i don't know...the way that i feel after getting off on my own doesn't seem worth it to me i don't know. to me, sex is more about pleasuring each other actively.
    on the other hand(no pun intended), a part of me doesn't want to restrict myself too much but we'll see.
    but i'll definitely do not want to masturbate on my own completely forever. period.

    greetings & stay strong y'all! x
     
    StephenUK likes this.
  9. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    yeah, i know right; i need to do the same aswell.
    thank you & keep going aswell!! we CAN make it!!
     
    StephenUK likes this.
  10. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    UPDATE
    so...i relapsed on P. as i said, i tried to replace porn with hot videos on youtube but it escalated into watching female masturbation and lesbian porn(i'm bisexual so watching these types of porn doesn't fall into the category of unnatural fetishes to get of or whatever).
    i got VERY turned on through the moaning (i guess i'm an audiophile lol) but i still managed to keep my hands to myself, meaning i didn't M and i didn't O.
    that's why i'm not starting at square one again since MO is my bigger problem. it's that what actually makes me feel drained, space out and stuff.
    right now i feel maybe a bit guilty of not being as consequent as i wanted to but as i said not drained, unmotivated or spaced out.
    i REALLY need to stop playing with fire tho!

    speaking of fire, since hitting day 14 ursula (how i like to call my hoo-ha) feels like she's on fire, i notice getting wet overnight a lot and sometimes some type of twitching.
    it's as if my vagina REALLY NEEDS to release this build-up on sexual energy. but imma try my best to stay strong.
     
  11. StephenUK

    StephenUK Guest

    Well done for getting through that and not MOing! Yep, the psubs always escalate :D
     
    pmotina likes this.
  12. Hannah II

    Hannah II Fapstronaut

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    I know how you feel pmotina! I did play with fire also these past couple days. It's so easy to fall back into that trap. Some of these hot videos on YouTube tend to really turn me on. I'm just turned off by kinky sex, lesbian scenes, as well as young women having sex with older men. But the videos I found yesterday were so delightful. Also those videos were men are massaging Asian women (although they usually never show breasts or genitals). Anyway, I'm glad I deleted them from my history! This morning, I started edging again, but by God's grace I was able to stop before I would go all the way. I do realize that orgasms don't do me any good in my situation right now - I usually only realize that after binging on PMO!
     
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  13. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    yes, thank god!

    yeah, me too. i'm glad i'm not the only one!
     
  14. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    *DAY 16*

    it feels like i have a candle burning between my legs since i'm so horny all the time. lol
    but i got this so far. i can't to finally orgasm one day soon though. i feel like i NEED to release that sexual energy in a sexual way but i'll resist.
    whatever, i think i might go for a 7k run later. i really want to get into running again since i actually love it a lot but most of the times i feel like i don't have enough energy for it(i don't know if that's just a lie that i tell myself though because at the moment i eat enough so i should be able to work out).
    i definetly want to get more into exercising since it will ease my depression and asthma and increase confidence and creativity and what not...
    especially when it comes to confidence, i could really use A LOT more of it...now thst i'm at school i notice again how much of a depressed mess i am while everyone else seems to be GLOWING. i also feel as if i can't keep up with them energy wise.

    in general, school is stressing me out a lot and so many things have changed (e.g. my best friend changed schools and now i feel very lonely since there's no one there that's at the same tide with me...) so i feel quite triggered to masturbate but i'll resist.

    stay strong & bye ♡
     
  15. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    ~Day 0 ~

    ...aaaaaand i relapsed!
    i don't feel bummed out by this tho but rather motivated to work on eliminating the trigger factors (mostly stress) that led me to relapsing.
    also, this feels like a fresh start for some reason. i already made myself a big lunch right now and want to eat better and especially ENOUGH from the beginning on of this new journey.
    i'm excited about how i'll feel on NoFap with ENOUGH food in my body and how great i'll perform in different areas of life.
    idk if this huge motivation rush that i feel right now is caused by a dopamine rush or whatever, but i don't question it but rather enjoy it while it lasts.
    i'm so motivated to change my life right now it's crazy and i'm definitely proud that i had a 18 (i believe) days streak. making small steps to reach my ultimate goal and it feels very good.

    hope y'all have a nice day & stay strong on whatever day you're on & goodbye! ♡

    it's not about how many times you fail, it's about how many times you get up
     
    Sharon likes this.
  16. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

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    @pmotina keep it up! You will get there in the end :)
     
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  17. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    *DAY 14* YAAAS THAT'S WHEN IT GOES UPHILL

    i'm very proud to hit day 14 again since that's always when things start to get better for me.
    yesterday i went to church after a long time which felt very good and i prayed to god to let me continue to abstain from this pmo behaviour.
    sometimes i'm questioning where i'd be in life if i would have never started with all of this in the first place...but mainstream media and sexual education at school told me that it's normal to watch porn and to masturbate and so i pmod without a care.
    i mean i never did it THAT excessively like 24/7, but once a week for multiple times a day to escape depression as pmo is comforting.
    i'm wondering whether other girls at my age, at my highschool who are very successful and amazing at life ever masturbated, but i'm too shy or whatever to ask them about it randomly. idk i would be creeped out, if someone i barely know would ask me that.
    also, for example lady gaga has the song called 'dancing in circles' where she talks about touching herself which makes me wonder whether all of these EXTREMELY talented and successful celebrities do masturbate idk. just look at how energetic they are and you'll know what i mean.
    what do y'all think about this? or maybe i'll open another thread on that.
     
  18. pmotina

    pmotina Fapstronaut

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    DAY 15 YAAAAAS

    i notice that i got my drive back and now is where the hard part starts basically.
    i still do have trouble focussing on things but i think that's more due to the fact that i still don't eat enough and i go to bed hungry. right now i'm having a big bowl of pasta and avocado and i'll definitely focus on eating better in the future then my period will come back again aswell.
     
  19. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

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    Good luck pmotina :)
     
    pmotina likes this.
  20. Max Dudent

    Max Dudent Fapstronaut

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    Wish you all the best, stay strong!
     
    pmotina likes this.

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