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Perfectionism

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Fink93, Aug 13, 2017.

  1. Fink93

    Fink93 Fapstronaut

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    A few weeks ago I finally realised what was making me get social anxiety, brain fog, strong depression. It was the use of porn for the last 8 or so years. But something still kept me from improving, it's the thoughts in my head telling me I'm not good enough, I could have done better etc. I'm now pretty sure what keeps me from enhancing further and that's my perfectionism. All my family suffers from it and deep down they are trying to find out what it is. It hurts to see them suffer like I do. It's really tough to escape this as it's in my daily life and deep engraved in my thoughts. "you need to do this, you must do that" I cannot let loose.

    Maybe there is someone on here who suffers from this perfectionism too, this life where you only see black and white, 0% and 100%, nothing in between. I've gone through a lot in the last couple years, managed to change a lot and to pull myself out of depression but now I feel like I hit a wall which I can't overcome on myself.
     
    KennyStephen likes this.
  2. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    I've definitely struggled with this. Do you find that you procrastinate as well?
     
    KennyStephen likes this.
  3. Fink93

    Fink93 Fapstronaut

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    Not so much as I used to but it all plays togethe. I recently read a book about perfectionism and procrastinating is certainly a thing that comes from trying to make the perfect choices all the time. Either do it or do not do it there is no middle way which tells you to do it all at a moderate speed
     
  4. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I find that my perfectionism will lead me to bail on ideas or projects altogether. It's like, if I can't do it perfectly, then I don't want to do it at all ... which ends up being justification to not do anything worthwhile.

    I'm really trying to embrace the reality that I'm going to make a lot of mistakes in life. This addiction has definitely taught me that, seeing as I've relapsed literally hundreds of times.

    I used to think "anything worth doing is worth doing well." Now, I try to agree with GK Chesterton, who said, "anything worth doing is worth doing badly." :)
     
  5. Hard gainer

    Hard gainer Fapstronaut

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    Yes. It sounds familiar to me. I am suffering procrastination. Just a 40 mins ago I posted a thread about procrastination in this same sub group asking for help. And now reading about your post perfectionism also sound familiar to me.
    I usually try to ensure that when ever I do a thing I should do it better than everybody else doing it. I hate doing things when I feel I won't be able to do it with 100 perfect quality.
    I think this also is a contributing factor to my procrastination. I should find out and get out of it.
     
  6. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    You need to draw a distinction in your mind.

    All achievements and ambitions in this life will come to nothing. This enables you to get on with life without taking it, and its shallow middle-class bourgeois values, too seriously.

    Then you need to think of perfectionism in other world terms. 'Per-fect' means to thoroughly finish. You now work on developing character and virtues in your life. The perfect ideal you strive for transcends this world and will be rewarded in another. The likelihood that your life will go well doing this, is a by-product and not an end in itself.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2017
    KennyStephen likes this.
  7. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    Virtue consists in moderation. If we are ambitious, we should be moderately so... that way, we won't spend all our life on work, or the acquisition of assets and money, whilst missing out on the Good Life.
     
  8. Fink93

    Fink93 Fapstronaut

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    Here is the title of the book I got.
    OVERCOMING
    PERFECTIONISM

    A self-help guide using
    Cognitive Behavioral Techniques

    ROZ SHAFRAN, SARAH EGAN AND TRACEY WADE


    It's not easy at all to overcome it, the book helps you in the process. It also says, get a shrink it's way easier this way. But I'm even procrastinating that, so it's a vicious circle pretty much.

    It's very good if you know what you're dealing with, it took me years to find it out. Now you need to fight it, fight your perfectionistic thoughts, those thoughts who keep you from improving. I myself think I hit a wall which I can't pass. I need professional help.
     
  9. Fink93

    Fink93 Fapstronaut

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    I know it already but it's a problem when you were raised in a perfectionistic environment all your thoughts your behaviours change and there is only this black and white thinking, 0 or 100%
     
    KennyStephen likes this.
  10. Fink93

    Fink93 Fapstronaut

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    And how will I tell myself to think like that? To care less and just start living now and in the moment?
     
  11. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    You need some philosophic criticism toward the current 'perfectionist' values. Read and widen your education.
     
  12. Fink93

    Fink93 Fapstronaut

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    Tell me what to read and I will. Looking for a book at the moment that is better understandable and easier to approach than the one I'm currently reading.
     
  13. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    It is probably best to follow your own inclination. We should be like Hansel and Gretal, finding a series of breadcrumbs that lead out of the forest.:)

    You might find Schliermacher's "A Guide for the Perplexed" an interesting read. I found it useful in my varsity days.
     
  14. Fink93

    Fink93 Fapstronaut

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    Looks like philosophy more than a self help book. But I'll read it.
     
  15. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    The world is inundated with self help books today. Philosophy is going to give you something a bit more substantial and grounding.
     
  16. 343_guilty_spark

    343_guilty_spark Fapstronaut

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    Yes, perfectionism can be horrible. The worst part about it for me is that I am never proud of myself, regardless of how much effort I put in. I always think I could have done better. I constantly seek approval/validation from others because I cannot get it from myself. This leads to horrible self esteem, low confidence, self-hatred, depression etc., and unfortunately, this has manifested itself in my sexual life, where I now associate shame and humiliation with sexual arousal, which I will not detail here, but trust me its not good.

    Overall, perfectionism drives me to do good quality work and outperform others, but it is also a curse which is difficult to overcome. Best of luck!
     
  17. Fink93

    Fink93 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks mate. I feel you, it's horrible to live with. There's something missing and nothing makes you really happy.

    I'm seeing a shrink real soon I'm happy for that. He will hopefully help me overcome this.
     
  18. Mavricko

    Mavricko Fapstronaut

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    Just relax and give yourself a break. You only live once and don't ruin every day of your life being hard and critical of yourself. Obviously a lot of people are very anxious as they walk around in public quite rigid, sucking in stomach etc. I think it's best to just let yourself go and be personally. Let yourself breathe fully. When we were children we never worried about anything. We never put a weight on our shoulders by pressurising ourselves to be perfect. We just did what we felt like spur of the moment.
     
  19. Fink93

    Fink93 Fapstronaut

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    I know, but I forgot how I can let myself go. A workmate told me last time that I need to do that. I can't. Even though I try. Do you know what I mean?
     
  20. Mavricko

    Mavricko Fapstronaut

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    I understand as almost everyone can't. Women in particular have drilled sucking their stomach in all their lives to accentuate their body. But most men seem to be quite rigid and sucking in too. People in general in public if you look at them very few have a relaxed easy going posture and demeanour. If you research chest breathing it's what most people do whilst sucking in their stomach. Humans aren't meant to do that. They are meant to be in a relaxed state in good posture and able to breathe fully through the belly.

    I understand what you mean as I used to be a perfectionist and sometimes pressurise myself. The key to me was learning proper breathing through the nose and belly..buddha breathing..I just do this whenever I find myself getting stressed or putting pressure on myself to be perfect. Give yourself a break during days to reset.

    For me this feeling comes from my family..they are a right pain in the ass and I had a bad upbringing. Fortunately for me I'm very independent and managed to shrug it off. I've just come here to vent tonight and realise I want to tidy my house a bit more than I have. But it can wait. No pressure for myself anymore and like to take a step back and let myself work/be in 1st gear rather than flat out all the time these days. It's way more healthy and more fulfilling when I do stuff anyway. Hope that helps. We all think differently and I think most people need to find their own paths rather than be told
     

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