Female porn addict?

I don't know how many are on here.

But the last couple of months I been recognizing that my thing with porn has become an addiction.

But I question if addiction is different for everyone?

I can't remember when my obsession with porn began. I know I was introduced to it young. Stumbling upon magazines in my parents room. When I got my own computer in my pre-teen years I would look it up whenever possible. Teen years a bit more.

It did not become what it is now until my middle twenties.

It may have started with my depression and anxiety. I cannot recall. I never thought I had a problem until recently when I started suffering from intrusive thoughts. And when searching for answers to my thoughts. I decided to look up porn addiction and I had many signs of it.

But at the same time I didn't. It did not take up much of my life. Well it did and didn't. I spend time working at home and whenever I can and am bored I look up porn and think sexual fantasies. Almost all day long at times to where it might take over my mind completely.

I would have a tab open to porn, even if I did not look at it. It would still be there for me to glance at if I wanted. I would cyber online. While trying to keep the roleplay simple it would go to sex very quickly.

I would watch porn to the point of not masturbating so that I would have that 'high' and I would be disappointed when I finally did and ashamed as well. I would even watch it if my bedroom door was open. I would be afraid if someone caught me but I still did it.

My porn was also escalating. And that is what causes my intrusive thoughts. I feel like it is an excuse because I do not fulfill all signs. But at the same time relieved. The escalating porn often made be curse if I ended up masturbating to it.

I felt on edge and rather restless when I started giving up. Went cold turkey. Since before I could not go a day without looking at it.

I lasted a month before I relapsed and then another month when I relapsed again after starting over. And my mind would think more sexual fantasies now that I don't have anything to look at.

And has anyone ever gotten mad at their partner for watching porn while you did it? Because I hated when my ex watched porn and yet I kept watching it in secret.

Growing up in my home. I had a semi good childhood. But also bad since my father would hit me for no reasons at times. I was bullied my entire life for being a high functioning autistic so I been a loner. I had friends turn on me and harass me. And my grandmother emotionally abuse me the last couple years.

Again I feel just excuses and like I am looking for some answer.

Enough rambling. That's my short rambling story.

 

I hope.

I am now worrying being a sex/porn addict means I cannot have intrusive thoughts if my addiction led me to something I shouldn't have come across.