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Addiction and Internal Permission

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Death Mammal, Aug 10, 2017.

  1. Death Mammal

    Death Mammal Fapstronaut

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    Addiction. My personality. I wouldn't know moderation if I tried. I don't want one beer. I want to drink until I puke (and then drink some more). I start running and then I'm aiming to go ten miles. I can't write haikus because I would rather write sonnets. Sketches become detailed drawings and cooking at home requires culinary flair. Some would call it perfectionism, but knowing that this sword is double edged, I would describe it as compulsive extremism. All these things are literal for me. I had to quit pot to finish school. I couldn't moderate for ****. There are two numbers I function on, zero or a hundred.

    So, when I quit P. I quit. When I quit M, I quit. The only times I have broken for any habit was submission to the tiny voice that says "go for it. Just once. It doesn't count. You know you want to." Which we all know is bull. And with that hardline extremism, it's been easy to quit anything that I decided mattered, not that it doesn't come with craving, I just don't really relapse. Which, is why I still start smoking every now and again... because I never really wanted to quit.

    I want to hear other's accounts in the struggle into relapse. Where does it begin? Is it that your heart's not all in? Does that tiny voice become convincing? Is it breaking for a craving (despite knowing that the feeling of near nausea from failure is inevitable)? Where is that line between never again and giving yourself permission drawn?

    And I want to add, in case no one has told you, you're awesome for being here. Seriously. All of you are a rare and wonderful breed and you should be proud. Despite setbacks, you get on the horse and remain persistent. Quitting something so addictive and oddly socially acceptable is admirable. Be proud fapstonauts.
     
    noonoon and sparkywantsnoPMO like this.
  2. Halcyon88

    Halcyon88 Fapstronaut

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    For me, my relapse came after the 'honeymoon period' of being committed to making a change felt over.

    Initially, I was full of motivation and drive for ending this nightmarish chapter of my life. Then, once routine settled in, I didn't feel as spurred on anymore. Therefore I wasn't as passionate or rigorous about abstaining from P.

    Then, when coupled with a hangover (one of the times in which my craving is largest), I found myself wondering if my favourite pornstar had done any new scenes. A quick Google said he had. That turned to an image search, which turned to a video search, which resulted in my relapse.

    During the time, I felt like I was on autopilot - my mind allowed my body to revert to my historic response to P, even though it had spent 30 days trying to rewire itself. Only after O did I become flooded with shame and defeat. I wish I'd been stronger because if I had I'd nearly be halfway to 90 days by now.
     
    noonoon and Death Mammal like this.
  3. Death Mammal

    Death Mammal Fapstronaut

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    I'd like you to know your comment really helps me understand my partner who is struggling to quit P/M. And in much to the fashion of the term "honeymoon phase", once ours died, our intimacy killed over with it.

    I haven't been the same since.
     
    Halcyon88 likes this.
  4. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    You saw no warning signs at all?
     
  5. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    I just relapsed after 168 days.
    I got into innocently looking at sexy images online. This went on for a month or so. Off and on. I didn't consider it a relapse, per se, and i thought i could handle it. After all, everyone was fully dressed. It wasn't really porn. Was it? And if the occassional porn image filtered through, what of it? Not my fault.

    Well, surprise, surprise. One night I wanted a little more. I went to GIF's. Guess what? A week later i was at videos.
    A week after that - I MO'd.

    The interesting part was once i went to the videos SHE took over. My self-control was gone. I knew it. I wasn't going to be able to resist. SHE had me. The noose was around my neck.

    I wouldn't say i need constant vigilance. But you need the will to get through the hard times. As the streak progresses those hard times get less and less, but they happen. And when they happen your instinct better be to say fuck no! Otherwise, it's easy for us addicts to go on cruise control and just "let it happen".

    The journey out of PMO is a long one, but the journey back in wasn't quick. I saw the signs. I knew where i was going. I just wasn't equipped to stop myself from going there.

    What equipping do we need? For me it could have been SA online meetings. Or reading the "white book". Or journaling. Or exercising. Or any number of things i've not done.
     
    novtheo and Death Mammal like this.
  6. Death Mammal

    Death Mammal Fapstronaut

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    What do you mean?
     
  7. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    Your husband just seemed to do a 360 degree on you sex wise did you see anything that might have concerned you in even the week before? Lower sex drive etc?
     
  8. Death Mammal

    Death Mammal Fapstronaut

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    Yes. Our sex seemed less explorative or exciting. But, I didn't think that would be a warning sign.
     
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Angry after sex or constantly "too tired" for sex, are on other SO accounts, as well
     
  10. Death Mammal

    Death Mammal Fapstronaut

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    SO? What do those terms mean? Sorry I don't know.
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Significant Other
    As in, we could be the girlfriend or wife, or lesbian partner of a porn addict
     

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