New guy here, 28 days in...

Hello all. I'm 42 years old, Christian, married for nearly 20 years, father of five. Involved with PMO off and on for over 30 years. My overall goals are to live the remainder of my life free of PM, to do my part to make the next 20 years of my marriage the highest quality possible, to be the good father my children need, and to become a giving, caring, authentic individual. In the short term, though, I just want to continue my streak of no PM day to day. Day 28 and still going, looking forward to getting to know some of you and interacting productively on these forums.

Edit: I posted most of my story here, in an attempt to be as honest as possible.

 

Thanks for the warm welcome. Here's a few things I have/am doing that are currently helpful.
1. Being brutally honest with myself and with God. I know this sounds abstract, but I am trying to leave behind my old ways of lying and hiding from the truth. It's doing wonders for my relationships with God, my wife, and my children.
2. I am currently reading 'Treating Pornography Addiction' and doing all of the self-evaluation questions. It's brutal at times, but also a blessing.
3. I am currently going through a 40 day 'by email' course from Be Broken Ministries. Pretty simple, but encouraging.
4. I have been taking morning walks with my 15 year old son. It's good exercise (I'm obese), and a great time to connect with him and have awkward but also deep discussions.
5. I have limited my Hulu/Youtube watching.
6. Reading through a book called Intimacy Ignited with my wife.
7. Expending more energy in spending time with my wife and children.
8. Just tapped an older brother at church to be accountable to.
9. Tryibg to spend time each day in prayer/fellowship with God and in the Bible.

I'm not doing 'hard mode' due to my marriage, which needs nurturing to get it where it needs to be.

Let me know what you do, I'd like to glean some wisdom from you and others here at NoFap.

 

I'm 42, but thanks for the encouragement! Bless you as well!

 

Thanks, brother! Those are some great resources that I will avail myself of... only about halfway through reading the post and there is SO much helpful info and inspiration. May God give you strength in your own journey as well!

 

I want to apologize to anyone who read my first post. Not because what I typed isn't true, but because it doesn't represent the whole truth about my life. It is time consuming, soul wrenching, and draining to let all of my history come to the surface in a public post, but I want to be open and brutally honest about my history. I first encountered pornography in the form on an erotic novel at the age of ten. Strangely enough, my dad had a heart attack that week, and my sister's boyfriend, who was helping to babysit us, happened to leave this novel within my grasp unintentionally. So, being a voracious reader, I picked it up, started reading, and began drinking in the poison that would eventually hold me captive. I eventually taught myself how to masturbate, and commandeered all of the JCPenney and Sears catalogs in our home. I began fantasizing sexually and masturbating to put myself to sleep at night. Eventually, I began listening in to my parent's sex life. I would listen and masturbate to the sounds of their passion. I still carry a certain amount of shame from this practice, which went on until I left home for college. It's something that kind of haunts me, to be honest. I encountered actual pornographic VHS movies at my sister's apartment when I was around 14. My brother and I both watched them. I fooled around with a few different girlfriends in high school, but didn't have sex with them. My masturbation habit/addiction was so bad that I would waste entire days fantasizing and masturbating. I'm quite certain the one good relationship I had with a girl back then was ruined by my PMO addiction. My first foray into college as a music major ended in 3 semesters. My PMO addiction continued, but I also gained some confidence and began having actual sex with female students. Most if not all of it meant nothing to me. I also smoked a lot of marijuana and did LSD quite a bit. All of this together ruined my college education. I had no motivation, I was so drained by PMO (drugs didn't help either).
By God's mercies, I received Jesus Christ as my Savior at 19 years old. For the first time, I experienced true forgiveness and freedom. But I mistakenly thought that the 'fact' that I had become a Christian would be enough to keep me from my PMO addiction. Bad assumption. I spent long hours in prayer and fasting as a new Christian, but I would still feel tempted to fantasize or watch an erotic thriller. I struggled with masturbation, and I certainly wasn't going to tell anyone at church about it. I had days, sometimes weeks, of freedom, but it never seemed to last. I eventually ended up having sex with a teenage girl who was part of the youth group. This happened a few times before her dad caught us. I was miserable, and I felt so lost. A couple I knew gave me some books and tapes by a minister, David Wilkerson and tapes of the music of Keith Green. This became a time of revival in my life. God renewed His call on my life, and I entered Bible college.
Going to Bible college was quite an experience. I met the woman I would one day marry there, I accepted a position at a small local church as a youth pastor, and grew much closer to God. I also still struggled with masturbation. It was a rare occasion that I would watch any movie, much less anything erotic, so I didn't have the outer stimulus. But I still fantasized. My girlfriend (now wife) and I fooled around here and there, but we didn't have actual sex until after we got married. I spent time with God in prayer and in the scriptures, but it never seemed like I could break free. I rarely opened up to anyone about my PMO addiction, but I did confide a little in a pastor who volunteered to mentor me for a short season. It didn't seem to help. I married my fiancee, moved into the married dorms (apartments). Everything seemed fine, until I woke up early one morning and heard my neighbors having sex. I listened closely and masturbated. This happened several times. We eventually moved out of that apartment and into a house owned by a mentor of mine. He let us live there rent-free as long as we kept the house clean, etc. This was 1999, and the internet/chat rooms were a pretty big thing then. I began having cybersex in private chat rooms, and browsing for erotic material. My wife found out and confronted me on more than one occasion, and I eventually stopped. We began having children around this time. (I should pause here and say that my wife was a victim of child sexual abuse by her dad and uncle well into her teenage years. When she married a 'Christian man', she didn't expect to be dealing with a PMO addict. She has been very gracious and understanding over the years, and for that I am thankful. But I know that my behavior has wounded her terribly, and I'm currently trying to fix that.)

I could go on and be more specific, but let me just say that I had periods of freedom where I would go over a month without PM, but it was always short lived. For about ten years of my life, I just gave up trying to defeat PMO. I rarely attended any church, and I became very depressed and self-centered. I spent time with my wife and children, but I became angry very easily. I was an unpleasant person to be around, generally speaking. I had an emotional affair with a co-worker (I'm a nurse) that became somewhat physical, but we never actually had sex. I told my wife about it, ended it, got a different job at a different facility. Lust and PMO continued, however. I never talked to my wife about it, but she always kind of knew that I masturbated. My wife and I grew distant, and became focused on raising our kids. We were just 'getting by'. Meanwhile, my sons were getting older, how could I talk to them about the dangers of PMO while I was still involved?
In late 2015, my wife and I began attending a new church, which strangely enough is an hour and 15 minutes away from where we live. From the moment we started going there, it was like Jesus was giving me a new lease on life. I got my relationship with God back. I began being honest with my wife. I told her I wasn't watching porn or masturbating any more. She responded, "Since when?". I hadn't been keeping track, but I had gone probably a couple of months at the time. Our marriage has gotten so much better in the past year and a half. But the temptation of PMO began to rear it's ugly head again in late 2016 into early 2017, and I would fall, and I decided I'm not taking this crap any more! And that is when I began reading books that would help me with PMO addiction, and searching for resources that would help me, and help me to help my teenage boys. And that search has led me to NoFap.
If you have read up to this point, let me tell you that God has made me a warrior, and that this is truly a war, one that you and I can win! You don't have to be a slave to PMO, your life can have purpose again! Do you doubt? Then I challenge you to get in the game and fight! My marriage and family is beginning to thrive, and they are worth fighting for!

 

I love that song! Your post is very encouraging. And it is so important to keep this struggle in perspective. I know the temptation to sin sexually will always be with me, but God gives me grace to say NO, He always provides a way.

 

I'm trying to post daily in my journal, anyone interested can interact with me over there and follow my journey.

 

I'm doing well, D.J., thanks for asking. I feel tempted to fantasize at times, but it's becoming easier to say no and instead think on good, positive things. My marriage continues to improve. Relationships with my children doing good. I now have an accountability partner on this forum, and I'm about to begin attending Celebrate Recovery meetings next week at a local church. My relationship with God is going well. However, my emotions are all over the place, I am moody here and there. There is a link to my journal in my signature. I appreciate your concern, buddy.

 

Thanks for the reminder. I need to go back and reread that thread.