Any advice how to keep my son away from porn?

Don't be direct but give him the feeling its bad! And keep track of history on the computer and/or phone. The first time you see it in his history or when you feel he is old enough, show him this site. Porn is a drug and everybody here knows it!

 

I started at a pretty young age (12), so I might be able to help a little. I think one thing that can really help is education. I don't know about "don't be direct, but give him a feeling it's bad". Maybe lilnavadaa is just talking about when your son is young and probably doesn't even understand what it is. But I would say as old as 10, there is a very good chance that they will know what porn is (or at least have a curiosity) in this day and age.

Sadly I grew up in a very strict and sexually repressed family. I didn't know til I was 17 that my parents still made love. I thought they stopped right after I was born. My parents DID take the time to educate me about sex. My dad even took the time when I was 14 to take an entire weekend talking to me about sex, masturbation, etc. and although it was uncomfortable, it was a very good idea. At the time it did help to alleviate some guilt, but sadly, it was too little too late. I was already full-on addicted by that point. The other problem was, that when it came to porn, they seemed so against it and judged people that looked at it so harshly, that I wasn't even comfortable talking with them about it. So, when I was given my first porno mag when I was 12, there was no way in hell I was telling my parents about it. Thus began the terrible spiral of becoming very sneaky and feeling nothing but shame constantly. Which made me retreat into it more, thus creating a vicious cycle that felt impossible to break.

As I usually say in my posts, I am in no way an expert. I can only give you my personal experience and what I've learned from it, so feel free to take it with a grain of salt. But, what I plan to do with my son is the other thing that lilnavadaa suggested. As soon as he is old enough to have an inkling of what porn is, I am going to sit him down and educate him. I'm going to treat it just like any other drug or brain altering substance. He is going to know exactly how easy it is to get addicted and how it can affect his life. I won't shame him if he is looking at it but I definitely won't encourage it either. He will know that it is a drug and is just about the furthest thing from reality.

Maybe I'm cynical, but sadly, porn is so easy to get access to now, that I believe it is next to impossible to keep my children completely away from it. I can put up all the blocks I want on my home network, but I pretty much guarantee they'll have a friend or two that will show it to them. In the end, I'd rather they know everything about it and learn to hate it on there own. Not just hate it because I do. I honestly believe that porn can be a phase and I have plenty of people in my life that treated it that way. Sadly, I was one of those people that let it get out of control and it is now close to ruining my life.

To sum up, I don't believe you will be able to shield your son completely from porn, just like alcohol or any other substance, all you can do is educate them about how it can affect their lives. Just like the spouse of an alcoholic, you have been very hurt by the substance, which is going to naturally make you want to keep it as far away from yourself and your family as you can. I would just encourage you to do your best to be supportive and pray that they choose the right path. At least that way if they do end up getting addicted, they will be able to recognize it themselves and won't be too ashamed to come talk with you and get some help.

Didn't mean to be so long winded! But, I hope this helped in some small way. God bless.

 

The first porn magazines I found were in a dumpster in the first grade. [6 years old.] It made me happy. I liked them and kept them and looked at them. I didn't start masturbating until I was 9.

I grew up in church and my father and grandfather are both pastors. I knew the view of the church was that porn is bad and that never stopped me. It just meant I had to hide it. So that's what I did for years, and was never caught by my parents. Even through my current relationship and previous relationships I was never caught. My current GF has suspected but only because she knew that I fapped. She would say things once in a while like "what do you do when you fap? do you watch porn?" I would just shrug it off and say no then change the subject.... deny, deny, deny, was the policy.

Porn for me was in school as well. Some kids would bring in a magazine or a page of a magazine here and there or a VHS their dad owned or a DVD their older brothers had. The older I got the easier and easier it became to acquire. Of course the internet now is even easier. Any google search will do.

I can tell you that if you want to make sure there is no trace of porn left on your computer, you can. There is always a way. You can download things for your browsers, I am not sure their names but it can block porn, and I believe send e-mails to the email address you link to it if that browser tries to access porn. Ultimately these are bypassable if you have the determination to get by it.

I believe some are called "k9" and I am not sure of the others, but surely other people will chime in.

All this said, I cannot tell you how to stop it. For me personally, I will tell my sons when I have them [if I have boys] my own personal experience. I will explain to them that their choice, is their choice. Just like a cigarette carton. If you want to smoke them go for it but there is a PRICE TO PAY for doing so. Don't get tricked into thinking that everything is fine.

My approach to this is because I myself have often been driven forward into doing things that my parents said were "bad". I knew right from wrong but often chased wrong just to prove them wrong on why it's not so bad. My mom once told me "you can smoke pot, but nothing harder because you had a heart murmur when you were younger." Guess what I haven't done? I don't smoke weed. I never had a desire to. I have a few times, though. When I turned 18 I didn't want to get addicted to cigarettes so I tried smoking that way. Didn't like it. Got drunk a couple times far too drunk, that I ended up smoking it a couple times. I just never had a desire to do it because I was "allowed" to.

This is just my own personal approach to it. I feel like all I can do is share my experiences openly and honestly and let them ask questions and make sure they are comfortable because ultimately they will be out of my house for far longer than they are in it during their life and if I give them to tools to succeed I will feel good about myself. Their choice, as their own person, will fall squarely on their shoulders if I do my job correctly in educating them. I would feel sorrow but no guilt if they were caught in an addictive situation so long as educate them.

So that burden would fall squarely on ME. Not my wife to explain. It was my experience and my wife could never explain what it was like. She could be a good tool to explain afterwards how it made her feel and that it does affect other people around you.

I know this was sporadic but I tried to tie it together. Good luck!

 

Wow what a thread.

I wish my mom would have asked this same thing back when I was younger. Anyway, my experience with porn which was since 9 years old til about 15 days ago, currently I am in my mid 20s.

what I recommend from ages (8-12):

This is a crucial age. This is when I saw my first lewd images, and music videos. A year later I was watching porn clips. Here is how you can prevent that, based on what I wanted my dad to have done at this age:

Take interest in his world, from music to video games and any other thing he loves. If you really don't like something of this world, at least acknowledge its existence and respect it.

Have conversations with him. Really. I feel like if my dad would have had more conversations with me during this time period, I would not have been so addicted to porn. Have conversations with him.

Teach him that Innocence doesn't have to be corny, you have to be innocent as well. Avoid watching seductive television as much as you can around him. This includes pretty much all reality TV shows and series. With the advent of video streaming there is a huge array of programs that are really cool. Such as Neil DeGrason's COSMOS series. My little brother (10) is an addict of this.

Fuel his hobbies: Find out what he really likes and provide him as many resources to practice it. Encourage it. Remind him of it.

Encourage his friendships: Having playdates at this age, can keep his innocence.

Remind him to live his age. If you by experience know what it is to want to rush to be older and do "grown-up" things tell him. I had a serious convo with my little brother about this when he was asking me questions that seemed odd at 8. I told him my story about how I always wanted to be older than I was, and its consequences. I believe it has helped him.

If by any chance he has started watching, the worst thing you can do is block his sites. This will only fuel the pursuit to find pornographic content. Don't panic. Chances are that this is mere curiosity and not a real vice yet. Now is your time to tell him that what he is seeing is staged. It is fake. Explain to him that the actresses go through hell and back to perform, it is a very sad reality. I know that this is between (8-12) but if you don't do this and he has already started the habit of watching porn, by 13 he will have become dependent on it.

Probably around 12, judging at how fast kids grow up these days: If he likes girls and girls like him, encourage friendships with girls. Tell him that there is nothing wrong with him to like girls at his age, he isn't weird. Encourage innocent activities as much as you can.

what I recommend from ages (13-17):

By now, I fear due to general media, peer pressure etc. He will have been exposed to sex. Probably younger than you expected:

Take interest in his world, from music to video games and any other thing he loves. If you really don't like something of this world, at least acknowledge its existence and respect it.

Have conversations with him. Really. I feel like if my dad would have had more conversations with me during this time period, I would not have been so addicted to porn. Have conversations with him.

Again the worst thing you can do is act as it is not an issue. Now sex ed becomes truly important. Do not wait until he gets it at school. Teach him as soon as you feel that he he has seen images. He needs to understand the difference between what he has seen/heard to what is real. Sex Ed also needs to be about WAITING to have it, as well as knowledge of relationships and their ups and downs, and how porn or what he sees on TV is completely different than having sex with the person you love or are in a relationship with.

If he has a girlfriend, encourage his relationship watch as he grows with it, and take notes, answer as many questions as he could possibly have.

Again it is important to tell him to live his age. To WAIT.

Keep fueling his hobbies.

If he is really socially awkward and cannot even get a girls attention, find a mentor who can, make sure this mentor is not addicted to porn or to sex itself.
Deter him from looking for pick up lines or all the other mumbo jumbo of the Pickup Artist community. Instead strengthen his inner core, through hobbies, put challenges on him. Become his confidence coach on him trying to talk to girls. This is crucial. Please do not start asking him "when are you going to have a girlfriend? Why don't you have a girlfriend?" just coach him and encourage when he simply communicates to the opposite gender.

What I recommend for ages 18 and beyond:

Ideally I would like to think that he will not be a porn addict if you have more or less been his friend through conversations, talked to him about the reality of porn and what he sees on TV, helped him foster both male and female relationships.

If this is not the case, because the mind is weak, encourage him to quit, come up with a plan. (This could apply if he became addicted from 13 -17) as well.

Drop him off at this forum or others like it in the future. Share these stories.

The mind is weak, specially of a boy. I wish you the best of luck!

 

Here is few tips I'm sure someone already told you but it is just to make sure to let you know;

1)Friends, this is important but you need who is taking to so you can know their nature, like don't let him be friends with someone older.
2)iPad, you need the applicable apps for your sin, YouTube for example might be dangerous.
3)Video games, many games have some sexual contents so be careful.
4)Movies or TV shows,if you're watching something with sexual contents such as Game of Thrones or else, make sure he isn't there or know about it all. Children these days are very smart and curious.
5)Be with him always, I feel bad telling you thus since it appears to be you're a good mother so both of you need to be kind with him. Many are here because they were mistreated by their family so it does affect him.

 

It's probably been mentioned already but just to add:

1)Filter his internet. Or just the family internet in general. Doing it through your internet provider is best, rather than individually on each computer. Yes, it's possible he will find porn through other means or find sexually invited on Youtube, however it's the high speed internet porn that's addicting. Blocking that will significantly decrease his chances on getting hooked on that sort of stuff.

2)Recommend against using certain social media sites in the teenage years. For example facebook is fine, but there's porn on both twitter and tumblr

3) Make sure he has good involvement with girls from a young age. This will reinforce positive attitudes towards girls/ sex. Why would he go to porn if he already has the skills to engage girls/ can have healthy relationships with girls.

This is coming from a 19 year old who PMO'd throughout highschool. Never had a girlfriend. Never been kissed. Am still awkward with the whole touchy feely stuff (eg hugs).

Cheers
NoBrainer

 

Well this is good. Hope it continues!

With regards to innocence taken away, it goes away at some point. I think its part of growing up. Whats important is you keep doing what you are doing, listening and being there for them.

I guess it also matters to let them know that ultimately they are responsible for their own actions. I learned this through a lot of stubborn trial and error and still don't fully get it (lol). But I can say being reminded of this fact through different relatives has aided quitting porn.

 

This a question i ponder about as well. I don't want my kids to follow the same path. I think it's great that you're asking yourself this question and I think you should take these tips seriously. Good luck with your kids!

 

Keep your children from having their own computer as long as you can. I know it's hard in this day and age with tablets and smartphones, but a big part of the problem with porn is accessibility. It's just so bloody accessible these days. Anything you can do to limit that access will help.

Like I said though, these days that's hard to do. It entails being a bit of a luddite, and I'm going to recommend some measures that will seem very extreme for today's day and age, but it may be worth it in the long run. And just so we're clear, I'm speaking as someone who has removed television and internet service from his home to avoid temptation. Like I said, it's all about access.

What I would consider doing is establishing limits on television and computer time. Get your children used to spending no more than an hour or two on electronic devices per day, and finding their own distractions for the rest of their free time. If you can, stay away from tablets/laptops and get a nice desktop that can't be moved into a private area. Stick said desktop smack dab in the middle of the most used part of the house, be it your living room or kitchen or whatever. Get your children used to the idea that anything they do on the computer will be there for the rest of the family to see. Personally, my own porn use skyrocketed the moment I got an internet-equipped computer in my room.

Now, as I said, this may seem extreme in a day and age where electronics are everywhere. But I urge you to read some of the NoFap resources and the accountability threads and the success stories. See what all these real-life porn addicts are saying. You'll come across a lot of material that talks about porn being a result of boredom, tedium, and having nothing to do. Many of these threads talk about replacing porn with meaningful pursuits and hobbies such as music, art, sports, reading, writing, and so on (and, coincidently, staying away from electronic gizmos). Because giving up porn is about a change in lifestyle. Its about adopting a more fulfilling lifestyle where porn becomes unnecessary. This is the lifestyle you need to foster in your children before they find porn. Help them to have meaningful and worthwhile interests. Encourage them to learn and have fun with the important things in life. Your children will someday find porn, guaranteed. And if, when they do find porn, they have boring empty lives, then porn will be more than happy to fill that void. Your responsibility as a parent is to ensure there is no such void in your children's lives to begin with.

Does that sound borderline impossible? Yep. But it's steps like these that separate good parents from the rest. The fact that you're here asking this is already an incredibly impressive step, so bravo to you. It's actually a little disappointing how few parents ask questions like these on NoFap.

 

Your son is 6, so the advice can only be general--and like a lot of parenting advice, you've go to figure out the balance between protectiveness and overprotectiveness for yourself. Like NoBrainer and others said, it's high-speed internet porn that's dangerous. Kids have been sneaking porno mags for along as there have been magazines, and parents catching them and punishing them. Husbands too! If you think your husband has a secret sexual world and you have a problem with that, that's your adult relationship problem, it's different from a parent trying to protect her son.

Like others said, a good Internet filter is essential, enabling parental controls on devices. I would also make the computer in common room, have a curfew for it--just parenting stuff brought to the current age.

 

A good friend of mine was raised in a REALLY GREAT FAMILY. A really loving family, where everybody could show emotions, I always felt comfortable and welcomed at their home, while my own "home" was cold like ice.

And guess what they did? The whole family openly discussed about sex and porn in the living room!! They had a great way to balance their emotions and stress, and so for my friend, porn was never an option. He is a scientist today, lecturing at the university, great guy, with family, etc. He really has a life!

 

Lol, we must know the same guy. But seriously, its so true. People with fulfilling, meaningful lives have no need for porn. OP needs to aim at the root of the problem, not the symptom.

I also want to interject a word about internet parental control filters. You can try it, it certainly won't cause any harm. But be aware that the most it will do is delay your children's introduction to porn. A few years ago I downloaded K9 - supposedly the best out there - in my attempts to stop using porn. I threw away the password needed to disable it. I threw away the password to the email account associated with it. I set it up so it would completely disable all internet access for an hour if it detected me trying to access anything remotely related to porn. And the very next day it took me all of 15 minutes to figure out how to disable the entire program at a click of a button. Where there's a will, there's a way. You need to accept that your children will some day encounter porn. There's simply no way around it. The important thing is arming them for that eventuality by giving them the tools to not be drawn in by it.

 

BTW, what would be so bad about it? As I wrote before, I know someone whose parents did exactly this, together with him, and talking about - and this guy has become a true mature adult person.

I think most important is to CARE.
There are many other "traps" in life, like alcohol, drugs, gambling ... What do you do with these?

 

NO PLEASE!
That was exactly what my parents did - I am the result ;-)

 

Yeah, I think more "Not in my house!" would be better than "It's bad and dangerous and forbidden don't ever do it!" Maybe "It's not healthy for kids under 18; it's not healthy for adults either, but especially for teenagers, because it's fake but your brain doesn't know that."

You don't want to turn your son into some character out of Stephen King's The Dead Zone.

WARNING: Dead Zone Spoiler and also kinda gross: [NSFW]The mother catches her son masturbating and puts a clothespin on his dick until it turns purple, and he grows up to be a women-killing serial killer.[/NSFW]