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Please, please help me.

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by coconutplums, Jun 28, 2017.

  1. coconutplums

    coconutplums Fapstronaut

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    I am at my wit's end here and I really need advice.

    My boyfriend and I started dating a little over a year ago. It started out as some fairytale bullshit where he and I felt like best friends and eventually began dating. It wasn't until I moved in with him ( at the time it was because I was having problems at home and needed out) that I saw more and more what he was like. He would spend literally eight hours a day on his video game and completely ignore me, then go to work until 1230 am. He did that almost every day. This was strange because before he'd talk to me and try to hang out with me almost every day. In addition to this, I had a boundary as to no porn in the relationship and not entertaining that sort of mentality whatsoever, for either of us. I told him it felt like cheating to me and that I would never put him in a position where he was insecure about his place with me and I expected the same. He accepted and told me he wanted to quit years before. He then proceeded to lie and betray me for a year. And during that span of the year, he did not appreciate me whatsoever nor was he there for me emotionally when a childhood friend killed himself and another friend/coworker died of cancer. He basically just wanted me to get over it.

    Fast forward to when I found out about his deceit-- we have a huge fight and he ends up quitting his job. He stopped doing the porn shit and we now have an accountability app on each of our phones. He has never had to worry about me even looking at someone else in a sexual way because i consciously choose not to entertain those thoughts.

    Now im the only one making money. He spent months doing nothing but gaming when I was at work, wouldn't even clean up around d the house without me ordering him around like he's five. He is older than me. I got a second job and was adapting to that when I found out I was pregnant. Well, throughout that whole time he did not lift a finger to help financially or around the house-- even when I began miscarrying my baby. My miscarriage lasted a month and I was in a lot of pain nearly every day. But I still had to work. I still had to keep us afloat. He did nothing. He was way more emotionally available by this time, but he knew I was suffering and just let me go through it while being the one to pay all the bills, including his. His mother, my family and I all had to crawl up his ass about it before he even started looking for a job. It wasn't until MY bosses at one of the restaurants I work at offered him a dishwashing position that he actually got a job ( and he was hesitant about it). He only works two days and makes $8 an hour under the table until they are sure they can put him on payroll. So that leaves every other day free. Still no cleaning, no applying for school (like he said he wanted to) and no second job search to pay for his part in the bills. Nothing. Now I've finally blown up and told him that if he doesn't put forth a real effort in taking care of his responsibilities within the month, he is moving out and we are over. Before I got with him, I was in a three year relationship that was highly abusive and entailed a lot of the same shit. I am sick to death of sacrificing myself for people who couldn't give a fuck less about me. But I am still in love with him. I just don't know what to do. Should I even give him this chance or should I just be done with him?

    I know we are both young and that we are humans. We make mistakes and we need to grow up. But the lack of drive in our relationship is a reflection of how he is with himself. He keeps telling me he feels isolated and unhappy with who he is-- he keeps telling me he wants to lose the weight he has gained so he can be healthier and feel better-- but he does nothing to change it. I am there for him emotionally every single time he needs it and I show him resources he can use to get help, even offered to call to help him get counselling. I offered to do activities together to help him move forward like playing guitar ( he loves music), writing in a journal, doing partner yoga or partner workouts, have him hang out with two friends I reacquainted with, help him eat healthier etc... Nothing. I came from where he was, being overweight, depressed, no friends, anxious and unmotivated. I was to the point where I only left my room to go to the bathroom and I started starving myself. I eventually ended up killing myself. So, I understand what he's going through, at least to an extent. I am now at a point where I am very fit, I eat healthy and I am a much more positive person. But it came from me getting so fed up and deciding that I have to do something to help myself. I didn't have any support system. Not even my family at the time. He has his family, me and my friends, his old best friend and even my family to support him.

    I know this is all jumbled up and I'm sorry. Just please, give me any opinion on the situation.
     
  2. coconutplums

    coconutplums Fapstronaut

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    UHM, I definitely meant ended up TRYING TO KILL MYSELF.
     
  3. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your story. I can certainly understand your frustration in this situation.

    It seems that you've done everything that you could to help him through this. However, he doesn't seem willing to take the proper steps in terms of taking care of himself right now, both physically and financially. I can't claim to know what he's going through exactly, but it seems that his depression is killing his motivation/drive. I'm not sure there's much more you can do at this point except to keep providing emotional support as you see fit, but at some point he has to start helping himself.

    In my opinion, you've taken the ideal steps in this situation. You're doing nothing wrong. You tried to help him, but it didn't work. Sometimes, it unfortunately takes an ultimatum for someone to suddenly jog their motivation and start seeing the bigger picture. Therefore, yes, I would give him a chance with this ultimatum now clearly in his sight. The hard part from here is actually going through with your warning if he does not show clear signs that he is starting to help himself. At this point, if you don't leave, not only will you be hurting him, but you'll be hurting yourself.

    If he's doing nothing to contribute to your relationship, then it doesn't matter how much you love him, you have to get yourself out of the situation. I can't tell you how often I've seen women leave the ones they love for reasons much similar to yours. I'm sure that for all of these women that the decision to leave was a painstakingly difficult one to make, albeit a necessary one.

    I wish you the very best moving forward. Please update us on the situation regularly if you can, I'm interested to see how it progresses.
     
  4. coconutplums

    coconutplums Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for responding. Do you think it is unfair of me to tell him that if he has to move out because of his actions, we are done?
     
    BrawlingWarrior likes this.
  5. Sorry to hear that you're going through this. I think you sound like a really patient and understanding person and you deserve better.

    Maybe the best thing for you to do is to leave him. It might be hard but it might be for the best.

    At the end of the day, you can't make someone change.

    Maybe if you leave him he'll change.

    I don't know if you've heard of Jonathan Daugherty but not only was he addicted to porn but also was seeing prostitutes and other women behind his wife's back. Eventually, his wife figured out what he was doing, she forgave him and gave him a second chance. But he didn't change, he still carried on cheating on her so she and her kids moved back to her parents home and she never wanted to see him again. In that moment Jonathan was devastated and realise how much he had hurt his wife, he also knew if he carried on with the same behaviours he would end up killing himself so he decided to turn his life around. He went to counselling and made changes. After some time and couple counselling, he got back with his wife. Now he runs an organisation that helps men who have sex addictions.

    Maybe your boyfriend is too attached to you, maybe he thinks you'll always be around, maybe you leaving him will shock him into changing his life.

    But let me keep it real, even if you leave him he might not change. You should you leave him for your own sake.

    I hate break ups but maybe it's what needs to be done. I wish you all the best.
     
  6. coconutplums

    coconutplums Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for replying. I'll try to update as much as I can.
     
  7. coconutplums

    coconutplums Fapstronaut

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    Thank you buddy. This really helps. I never heard of that guy but I think I will look him up
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. You're welcome. Here a video of him and his wife telling their story.
     
  9. vulture175

    vulture175 Fapstronaut

    @coconutplums : Hey long time no see. Your story is ... sad. That guy is suffering from severe depression. He played video game just to occupy his mind, he never actually "played" it. He wasn't there when you need emotional support because he is not a type which can express his emotion outside, also depression blocked all his emotions. He just felt nothing. He's a zombie, existed but not alive. He knows it, but something block him inside. Can't feel nothing, can't connect with anything/anyone. He may feel terrible inside now but nobody knows. "Depression is not that you don't have enough, it's that you just feel extremely lonely deep inside even you have everything and nobody knows even you".

    That explains why all the supports didn't help him. I think he already knew all those things, he's aware of others' support, he's aware of your suffering, yet he stuck inside, i'm afraid if it lasts longer, he may even lose his consciousness in depression, he may be lost inside. And that's the point that many commit suicide. People who don't understand can make things worse by blaming everything on him, but it's also understandable that their patience has limits since nothing has changed.

    It's sad to say, but you can't help him, you should leave him, he's.....dead now, the person you are together with is ... not alive. He needs spiritual healing, an enlightenment which can dispel the darkness from depression. Just....go...
     
    coconutplums likes this.
  10. coconutplums

    coconutplums Fapstronaut

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    So he just got another job opportunity from my bosses to work with their brother in construction, making $100 a day. When I brought it up to him, he got angry about it because he didn't want to do hard labor again (he was a factory worker at his old job) and he said no until I started crying. I asked him to just do it one day or even a couple days to get some money. He's mad now but he said he would do it. And now I feel like I want to.go.stay with my.friend and get away from him for a while. I can't stop crying now. Why can't he just prioritize the relationship? I know he doesn't like hard labor but it's not a forever thing. He said he hated that he had to compromise himself. But I had to compromise myself multiple times in the relationship.
     
    BrawlingWarrior likes this.
  11. He doesn't deserve you. It's time to end the relationship plain and simple. He is a boy not a man.
     
    BrawlingWarrior and coconutplums like this.
  12. Alpinist

    Alpinist Guest

    Dearest Coconut Plums

    Have you heard of Codependency? If not consider this introduction to an article on Codependency by Psych central:
    "Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior. Do you expend all of your energy in meeting your partner’s needs? Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Are you the one that is constantly making sacrifices in your relationship? Then you may be in a codependent relationship." (Source)

    I know two very brave women who are elderly (in their 50s) and wrote a book about codependency with other women (they each wrote chapters) because of how their lives were destroyed. They all catered for partners they thought they loved who were cheating, seeing prostitutes, subscribed to porn sites and all other kinds of sad abuses. They all regret wasting their lives like that.

    I know these authors personally because they asked me to make a video for their book launch. You can watch two short videos that give an overview (reenacted) of what some of these women went through here: Senseless Sacrifice.

    I hope you find the strength to save yourself, but always remember, our external environment and relationships reflect our internal environment. So perhaps there is some soul searching you need to do for yourself too to discover why you're allow yourself to suffer like this. What in you believes you deserve this? Are you afraid of being alone? Does a part of you feel so empty that you'd rather settle for this than find true joy?

    These are just some thoughts, only you can find what's really behind all this and then take responsibility and do what you can to change it.

    All the best! ;)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2017
  13. I'm not one to say how it feels to be with someone a long time, most of my relationships have been short. That said, I understand the pain and difficulty to leave someone. When you've invested a lot of time and feelings on someone, the harder it is to let go, because you dwell a lot on the good times.

    I think if you stop and think for a moment, you can weight on a scale the goodness and bad of your relationship. If the bad outweigh the good, then you need to ask yourself "Why stay together?"

    He won't be the last man you'll love, stop holding on emotions, on memories, and face the reality, move forward on your own and don't let anyone or anything drag you down.
     
    coconutplums likes this.
  14. He's 100 percent loser. He's lazy and resists any type of compromise or change.
     
  15. coconutplums

    coconutplums Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so so much for your responses. This is probably the first time I have opened up to strangers on the internet, haha. I don't think he is a loser. He's just lost. He will find himself when he is ready. I broke up with him and this is so hard because I'm still in love with him. Thank you again for everything.
     
    BrawlingWarrior likes this.
  16. He doesn't love you back.
     
  17. coconutplums

    coconutplums Fapstronaut

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    Maybe not. But I tried.
     
    boichy and (deleted member) like this.

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