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I Feel So Lost

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by UnCleverUser, Jun 16, 2017.

  1. ComeNcider

    ComeNcider New Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry for the late reply, but maybe you will still see this. The honest answer is that I didn't... I wish i could go back 5 years with the knowledge I have now from gained from living life. I'm proud of you for joining this community and putting effort to better yourself. You will grow so much as long as you try.

    Although this sounds extremely cliche, your life is what you make it. If you want a purpose in life, set goals. Whether they are religious or not, accomplish them. My goal in life right now, is to find confidence and make myself content with or without women or PMO.

    This is what has worked for me in achieving my goals:
    First i started with NoFap. Forcing myself to be uncomfortable has made it easier to face uncomfortable situations in the real world. Like talking to random people.
    Second, I started meditating. This allowed me to gain some head space and stop over analyzing every social interaction.
    Third, I started embracing failure and seeing it as a stepping stone to success.
    Then, I started finding out what i enjoyed and made hobbies out of them.
    Then, I started putting myself out there and talking to random people.
    I now realize that most people don't care that much about what I say or do, so i say or do whatever I want (I be myself). I don't try and impress people, or be a people pleaser, because the people that are attracted to that "fake" side of me will only be let down when they see that isn't who I truly am. There is nothing like finding someone who likes you for you you truly are.

    I'm excited for you. You have your whole life ahead of you and you are already on the right path! Stay strong, cultivate your hunger, and let your passions and failures motivate you.
     
  2. UnCleverUser

    UnCleverUser Fapstronaut

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    @robertgianni1976 Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Thanks so much for the advice. I'd love some more input from you in the future if you ever see a post of mine in the threads or what not. I'll get through it God willing with the help of people like you on NoFap.
     
  3. UnCleverUser

    UnCleverUser Fapstronaut

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    @ComeNcider That means a lot man. Our priest today at mass was delivering a sermon on fear. He stated how fear is the ultimate adversary to living life to it's fullest. Obviously I have some sort of fear or at the very least something keeping me from interacting in society. This fear, I think, ought to be tackled head on but even the thought of this turns my stomach. How can I "be myself" if I don't even know who I am? You know you watch tv, read magazines, see people, etc. and it just seems that other people know there place. They know how to play the game of life. But when I think of myself as a person in relation to the rest of the world; I see myself as some alien figure. I feel unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary, etc. I ramble though. I the 5 points you laid out. Maybe that's somewhere to start thanks man
     
  4. @UnCleverUser What I am going to say is not taken from psychology books, but from my own experience and from observing others. 'Who we are' is not something that is 100% decided when we are born, but the sum of all the factors that influence our life: education, experience, DNA, external factors like food, geography or weather, and the list may go on.

    All through our life, we never cease to change. Some changes appear only after many years of practicing something or accumulating experience in something, such as mastering a musical instrument, or loving someone. Other changes can appear in a split second. When I was 14 I saw a flamenco show on TV and that moment I knew that I would love this art all my life. Unfortunately, this works when it comes to addictions, too: you drink or smoke something and fall in love with the sensation straight away.

    To my mind, nobody can ever say 'Now I'm courageous, I don't have any fear.' There are people who are very courageous when it comes to physically confronting others, but totally afraid of stray dogs, or the dark, for instance. Some people are born courageous, others are born less courageous and therefore have to educate their courage all their life.

    In my opinion we shouldn't even focus too much on courage or fear. 'Courage' and 'fear' are just abstract notions, not real life. Telling a verbal bully he is wrong is something courageous, but so it is not telling him he's wrong and being sarcastic instead - it really depends on the situation, not on our logic.

    What I'm trying to say is you aren't going to become courageous only by reading a novel about heroes, or praying, or using your intelligence, or thinking logically about a way to become courageous. I believe that we humans have to use all those wonderful tools that we have been given, not just one: intelligence, intuition, instincts, feelings, education, experience, DNA. Most of us run away from negative feelings or emotions such as sadness or fury, forgetting that these feelings were given to us with a certain purpose. Our fury may tell us that we have been unjustly hurt and we should do something about it.

    Literally all our feelings, whether positive or negative, are here to help us become a better person. But in order to experience all these feelings we have to come into contact with as many people and situations as possible. Read three books about swimming and then jump into a river - what do you think will happen? However if you go to the swimming pool with your friends just two or three times you won't even notice how fast you're learning how to swim.

    So use your courage, respect, intelligence, caution, stubbornness, knowledge, skills, will power, power of observation, physical appearance, even frustrations or anger, etc. when you deal with virtually any situation: talking to your parents, going out, starting a conversation with a stranger or girl, homework, etc.

    You'll see that life has very strict rules, but the irony is you can't learn them in a logical way. You can master them and apply them only if you live your life. Of course, reading about them is extremely good, as is reading about swimming, but you don't need knowledge only, you need to do things. And in order to do things, you have to see others doing things and, maybe more important, you have to get involved, do things yourself and make mistakes.

    Now, let's go back to your question: Who am I? You are what you have done so far: you have been living in a caring family, you have been studying and thus helping your parents and preparing for future, you have been asking yourself and others lots of questions (which is essential if you want to improve yourself), you have been trying to understand human nature and to respect a code of values (your religion). But your instinct and intuition are telling you that there are many other wonderful things (some of them a bit dangerous, it's true) out there: love, independence, other cultures, friendship, etc.

    Your first steps may be awkward. I remember I started my love life by telling a girl that I like her and I'm attracted to her. Then I asked her out. Then I made lots of big and small mistakes. And I had to learn from them. I also learned how to read between the lines to find out what people want, not to manipulate them, but to start friendships with other guys I admired and a relationship with a girl.

    Sorry for writing so much.
     
  5. UnCleverUser

    UnCleverUser Fapstronaut

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    @robertgianni1976 I hope that one day I can take those "first steps", which even though are "awkward", will benefit me in the future. There's a lot of people on here that write about what they've obtained and received as a result of quitting PMO and other damaging habits; and I think that I want what they have. With the help of people like you, I'm hopeful that I will get there. Thanks so much man. And please don't apologize for writing long msgs to me. For me, the more info is the better.
     
  6. @UnCleverUser You don't have to wait for something to happen some day in the future. From my experience I know that nothing will ever happen if you just wait. Of course, there are situations in which waiting is the best or the only way to achieve something, but this is another discussion.

    Take these steps now, no matter how tiny they are. Nobody says you should neglect what you are doing now, like studying or becoming a good Christian. But if you want to take up a hobby or a sport, you should take it right now. If you happen to admire a certain girl, you should talk to her now. Why wait? You won't make less mistakes later on than now, when you're younger. As a matter of fact, the later you start something, the less chances you have to do well - learning how to drive a car is an example. I'm not saying that you should desperately look for sex in order to satisfy your urges. I'm just saying that you should enjoy your life with the spontaneity, innocence and even wisdom of your age.
     
  7. Fenris28

    Fenris28 Fapstronaut

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    Hey dude, nice to 'meet' you. I'd like to offer a few thoughts on what you're struggling with.

    First up - one of the quickest ways to become unhappy is to spend a lot of time comparing yourself to other people. Similarly if you spend a lot of time focusing on the things that you DON'T have rather than all of the things you DO have you'll very quickly become miserable.

    To illustrate the point head over to Youtube and search - Prager University The Missing Tile Syndrome. That video will explain pretty comprehensively the general concept and will hopefully give you some perspective.

    Second - you're only 16 years old. You in no way should feel like you need to rush out to get a girlfriend or that you're somehow not as good as your peers because you haven't been with a girl yet. When people are in their teens they're utterly clueless about sex and relationships and lack the experience to have truly satisfying experiences in that area. While sex and dating are fun at any age you're not missing out on very much right now. I distinctly remember feeling the exact same way when I was in high school - constantly comparing my lack of experience to other guys. The truth is that high school matters very little when it comes to the rest of your life. Even if you don't even hold hands with a girl your entire time in high school it means absolutely nothing in the long run and has no bearing at all on your success in all areas of life.

    I get the sense that you're above average intelligence so I'm going to let you in on a secret - people in high school are dumb. Like really dumb. Facepalm-inducing levels of dumb. Like in five years they're going to look back on themselves and cringe at how dumb they were. You aren't missing out on any great, life-altering experiences by not dating a girl who's in her teens. It's a scientific fact that the brain doesn't finish maturing until a person is about 25 so the person that you are now has very little to do with the person that you'll be for the rest of your life. Maybe you aren't any good with girls right now but I promise you that this doesn't need to be the case forever.

    As for the feelings of being lost you need to realize that everyone - and I do mean EVERYONE feels lost during their teens. You're far from being alone with those feelings so don't worry - things will make more sense in time! I can't help too much more with this one except to say that you should definitely speak to your priest as often as you can manage considering he's someone you're comfortable with and you feel can offer good advice. If you feel the need for further guidance you might be able to find secular help. Do a Google search for therapists in your area. A lot of larger communities have mental health associations. No, I'm not saying that you have a mental disorder or anything! I'm just saying that you might be able to find somebody to talk to potentially for free depending on where you live.

    One way to help give yourself some direction is to get out and socialize. You mention that you don't really interact with people except online. Having online buddies to game with is good but they're no replacement for face-to-face interaction. Join a club, get involved in a sport, figure out where people your age like to get together and spend time hanging out. Take up some kind of martial art if sports aren't your thing. I personally recommend Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) - it's great fun, fantastic exercise and you have a good chance of forming lasting friendships. The cool thing about BJJ is that it has a worldwide community that everybody is part of the instant they start taking classes. The number of times I've seen people who otherwise seem to have nothing in common become instant friends because they both train in the same martial art even if they live on opposite sides of a country would make your jaw drop.

    In closing, be kind to yourself. You have TONS of time to learn, explore and enjoy life. Good luck!
     
  8. UnCleverUser

    UnCleverUser Fapstronaut

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    @robertgianni1976 Of course these results that I want to see can only come about if I act so that they happen. But still my heart is paralyzed. When I say hope, I simply mean to say that I hope that one day my heart will be so moved that finally I shall act. Talk to that girl. Join that sport team. Etc. I know these are the kinds of steps that I need to take, but I'd be lying to you if I said that I CAN make these steps right now. I simply can't right now due to multiple reasons. I am not taking excuses. I acknowledge that these "reasons" are illegitimate or misconstrued but nonetheless they exist. And they hinder me from doing what I want. But I know that hope is important. I must remember that it is not the sole factor, by any means, which will lead me to recovery. On the contrary, action, I'd argue, is more pivotal in my road to recovery. But I dwell on hope because there have been may times where I felt that I had none. Times when I thought that my life was a mistake. I guess I mention hope in such a positive light because it means a lot to me. I know I need more. But without hope, there is no chance of success.
    @Fenris28 Thanks for all the encouraging words man. I'll youtube that vid. I'm a big fan of Prager U though so I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I do think I compare myself to others too much. I think I can be quite envious at times as well. Obviously this damaging to me and can be to others at times. I know must people my age feel lost too. I don't want to argue that "my situation" is any different than anyone else's but nonetheless it hurts so bad. This last father's day both my grandfather and my dad were trying to get me to tell them what I want to do with my life when I grow up. I was so discouraged by the time I went to bed. Two of the hardest working men in the world, and they have to hear their own flesh and blood mumble on and on about how he doesn't know what he wants to do with he life they gave him. So shameful. Amazing to think that in the world of twitter, Facebook, meetup.com, etc. one could still feel so isolated. As for dating and the like, I don't think I even want to date anymore. I just can't imagine the stress I'd have to put myself through and all for what? For nothing. That's what for. But thanks for your msg man. I really am trying to find something to do so that I can socialize more. I know if you read my prior msgs it may seems that I am not; but I am. Change is hard. But at least I know that it is possible
     
  9. Fenris28

    Fenris28 Fapstronaut

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    Cool man, seriously consider picking up BJJ like was mentioned earlier. It's pretty awesome. :)
     
  10. UnCleverUser

    UnCleverUser Fapstronaut

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    @Fenris28 Yeah I'll look into it. I don't know if its my thing but thanks for the idea
     
  11. @Fenris28 Thank you for your ideas, especially your points about high-school and the missing tile syndrome.

    @UnCleverUser Those who do martial arts are a big family that will stay united all through their lives. In my city these people are very supportive of each other and most of them are good role-models, keeping away from any kind of addiction.
     
  12. UnCleverUser

    UnCleverUser Fapstronaut

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    @robertgianni1976 I'd agree. My dad has a black belt in judo and I know from the friends he met there that they are healthy people. But Idk if I could do something with that. I'm concerned that I have social anxiety. I mean I never would have said that a year ago but considering how hard it is for me to get out and meet people, it might be possible. I'm really trying not to overreact though so I won't make a naive diagnosis. Today was really hard with temptations. Last time I got to 5 days, I relapsed. I really I am trying to avoid that so please wish me luck or anything that you think would help.
     
  13. Fenris28

    Fenris28 Fapstronaut

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    Hey bud, just wanted to say that it's entirely possible that you do have social anxiety but that by no means is a death sentence.

    I'm a massive sufferer of Social Anxiety - according to the tests I've taken I'm in the top 8% of severity when it comes to that condition. It's something that can be managed and eventually overcome.
     
  14. Fear is the number killer of dreams
     
  15. @UnCleverUser Drewdee446 is right - fear is the number 1 killer of dreams.

    Once when he was younger, a friend of mine was at a table in a bar and wanted to talk to a good-looking girl at another table nearby. He finally overcame his shyness, talked to her and asked for her number. She gave him some unfriendly reply so he turned back to his table. Another girl in the bar said 'Bad day', to which my friend replied 'Better bad day than bad life.'

    What do you think is going to happen to you if you join a BJJ or Judo club? Let's say you do something extremely embarrassing - I am honestly 100% convinced you will never do such a thing, but let's just suppose you did. There are so many clubs nowadays, that if you screw up with one, you can go to another.

    If you are a kind, polite person who does not look for conflict, if you are a modest person who does not show off, people will appreciate you and will forgive you if one day you make a little mistake.

    I know I can't convince you to overcome your fears and social anxiety - it's completely up to you. But that's the wonderful thing about it: you are the only one who can do it. If I had the power to convince you, that would make me the powerful person in this equation. But if you manage to convince yourself, the merits are entirely yours - it will be your efforts, your fight, your victory.
     
    Fenris28 likes this.
  16. I understand.
    Sometimes when i walk around,to School mostly,i see strangers And Like to imagine How they are,How their lifes are,
    And some look pathetic And Lost but,now,i know they are Just Like me And you,little minds Lost in the greatness of the universe.

    I recommend you start a self-improvement journey,start Reading phylosophy And Read more,in general.
    I ,for example,Will porn an YouTube Channel after my 90 days challenge,And ill try to write a book

    Good luck,fellow human being.
     
  17. UnCleverUser

    UnCleverUser Fapstronaut

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    @Fenris thx man. What would you say helped you conquer your social anxiety? Did you see a therapist?
    @Drewdee446 Indeed it is my friend. Funny how the mere expectation of a negative results can compel one to act differently in situations.
    @Hunter1463 Although it pains me to know that other's experience similar pains to me; I take great comfort in knowing that my discomfort is not alien in nature. I do read a lot of philosophy. Not bragging or anything. Keep us updated on the book. Can I get the first free copy? lol
    @robertgianni1976 I totally agree. I think he is very right. Took guts for your friend to talk to that girl considering the circumstances. Took even greater will power for him, in my opinion, to stay composed after being blown off. No offense, but what got you to 100%? Lol I hate to contradict people, especially when they give me good advice so freely, but in this case I'd have to disagree. I have moments in the day when I recall moments in my past that were so embarrassing, that I literally have to force my mind to consider another matter just so that I do not feel miserable. I don't know what I fear though. I suppose I fear failure. If you would, allow me to tell you a quick story. 3 or 4 years ago I tried to play violin in the school orchestra. I bought an expensive violin. Spent quite a bit on private lessons and tuning tools, tape, etc. But I was terrible. I was horrific. Eventually I was so ashamed of how bad my perforce was that I just stopped playing. I haven't played in 2 yrs now. I tried to pick it up not too long ago and try and play an easy song. I hit the notes but obviously I was doing badly. I was so frustrated and depressed I said,"Not today. This will only make me more unhappy." So I packed up the violin and haven't touched it since. I remember too, my music tutor told me that I "we play music for enjoyment. Learn some music just for the fun of it." I remember being so perplexed. I never had fun playing violin. I dreaded it. It was a chore. It differed very little, to me, from doing everyday annoying chores like making the bed, cleaning, balancing check books, etc. Now I digress. But I think that I am polite and don't seek conflict. But these "virtues", if you will, I don't think will guarantee me anything in the social "playground." You said that my conquering of my possible social anxiety, is my victory. This is true; but that also means that it's consumption of me or my submission to it are also mine. These latter things are my defeat and they so much more closer to me than victory. I relapsed today, and perhaps this is only reinforcing my melancholy mood; but nonetheless. Thanks for all your responses man btw
     
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  18. @UnCleverUser I forgot to mention that in my country it is normal for the guy to make the first move, not the girl. So speaking to a girl, if you think she's single, is not considered an act of courage. However, whether you invite her to dance, break the ice with a joke, or simply ask her out on a date, you are supposed to respect her. But times are changing and nowadays it's more and more common for young people to meet on Facebook, through common friends, or at work or school. That's why some girls can be difficult when they are approached by a stranger - I guess it's a matter of trust.

    No matter how much we want to simplify things, people are complex beings and will respond differently to the same stimulus. When we meet a stranger, we react to him/her according to our personality, education and experience. So given that each of us has a different personality, education and experience, we are going to react differently to the same stranger. Many times, if we share moral and religious views, similar past experiences, or artistic talents with that person, we may not even consider him/her a stranger, but somebody close to us.

    That's why, the more experience and skills we have, and the more we know about people and other cultures in general, the bigger the chances to know how to behave in a certain social environment. But there's more. People like to get involved. When you ask a girl to dance, you are basically getting her involved in a lifestyle, because dance is the expression of a culture. Also, she has the opportunity to see how self-confident, relaxed, polite, and physically coordinated you are. Later on you may talk about books, movies, psychology, sports, or you may tell her jokes - so she will see that your mind is not an empty place, and your life is not a waste of time. Also, day by day she will see if you are a reliable person.

    Of course, a relationship is a two-way road; it's not just the man that has to prove something - the woman is equally responsible, that's why men have the moral obligation to be equally selective when it comes to women. We shouldn't be with a person just for looks, but we should ask for more. Otherwise our relationship may become hell.
     
  19. icewizard

    icewizard Fapstronaut

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    Having wants and desires is the root of all suffering. If you accept yourself then you will no longer suffer. You don't need a girlfriend or family to enjoy life, you don't need to live for anyone but yourself to enjoy life. All you need is acceptance of yourself or have low standards for yourself that are realistically attainable, if you can't accept our present self.
     
  20. Hi, @icewizard, each of us has his own ideals and desires - that's what makes us different from one another. That's why we have different jobs, different hobbies and different kinds of friends, for instance. One of my friends - a very hard-working guy - has been to Kuwait, the Emirates, and now is going to Bahrain, because he wants to travel and make money. I'm a completely different person - with much lower standards, at first glance. But I am like that for serious reasons, not because I want to have low standards.

    In my opinion, it's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to change standards or desires, or to get rid of them altogether. Such a transformation could occur only after years and years of experience, or after being in an extreme situation. I have played the guitar since I was 14. I have no talent for it whatsoever. Even worse, I have no ear for music or rhythm, I have a bad memory and in so many years since I started playing the guitar I have only learned how to play chords and a few easy solos. But I love the guitar and I will never give it up. I don't say I waste time playing it, but my dream of becoming a good guitar player is still intact and I have no intention of abandoning it.

    When it comes to physical urges, or our natural instincts, it's clearly impossible to get rid of them. They are part of our physical and mental being, just like hunger, thirst, or sleep, and are here to actually help us, not hinder us, if we enjoy them with moderation.

    That is why I can't agree with those shrinks that say 'You have to feel comfortable in your skin.' One of my friend's son is not happy about his height so he has taken up basketball hoping he would grow taller. His mother would rather he study more instead of doing basketball, but his father is supporting him.

    I think our dissatisfaction with, or even frustration about ourselves can help us a lot by motivating us to keep on improving ourselves. I think it's better to face our frustration and try to find a solution, than hide it under the mat or 'forget' about it by using methods imposed by shrinks.

    Our body and mind will never forget who we are and what we want, no matter how much effort we make in order to suppress our ideals and desires. Eventually, sooner or later, we all have to face them.
     

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