1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Learning the ropes.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Surfy_steve14, May 23, 2017.

  1. Surfy_steve14

    Surfy_steve14 New Fapstronaut

    3
    0
    1
    Hi all,
    I hope this is the correct thread to post in. First post from an on again off again lurker. I'm 30 days with out looking at any images/videos but did masturbate to fantasy 7 days ago. Prior to that I managed 30 days but let stress about flatline get to me and looked at images to check response. Since then I had a change in my thinking after reading plenty on Reddit. I have decided to stop all fapping to O as well. I have told my wife about hard mode but she doesn't want to lose what intimacy we have. It isn't a lot at home with 2 little kids and work/life stress but we feel that taking that away will be detrimental currently even with some performance anxiety/possible pied effecting what should be a natural and enjoyable encounter. I'm having a lot of trouble staying away from fantasy and masturbation with out orgasm. So that is my biggest challenge. I am mainly doing it as a comfort thing, like keeping some little spark alive for my libido. I'm curious to know if anyone else is experiencing a kind of less intense flatline? I'm interested in sex and can get arroused slowly but seem to have little response/spontaneous arrousal. Obviously I am also horny enough to want to fantasize too. I haven't as yet been waking up with wood and have been through the 2 week lifeless dick stage when I first started abstaining from porn. I guess I'm just looking for people who have been through a similar progression to reassure myself that the benefits will come. I spend way to much time focusing on this so I thought posting my thoughts and starting a discussion might help.
     
  2. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

    414
    778
    93
    I would just say that from what I understand, you will not successfully reboot at all if you engage in fantasy and or MO. Playing the porn reel in your head by using fantasy has, basically, the same effect as using porn.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  3. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

    414
    778
    93
    My husband did hardmode initially. I think that is really the way to go- at least at first. Have you shared with our wife the full extent of what is happening? Give her some links and resources to read so she can understand why you would suggest giving up sex for a brief period. If she fully understands the nature of the addiction, and what the possible outcomes could be if you are unable to kick the habit, I am sure she would be onboard to giving up sex for a little while to give you the best chance at recovery. This doesn't mean you need to lose out on intimacy. Up you engagement in non sexual, bonding touch and cuddling and that will not only bring you closer, but also ease your withdrawal discomfort, by upping your oxytocin
     
  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,015
    3,319
    143
    Libido and arousal are complicated things and there are a lot of variables. Many rebooters mistakenly measure progress by frequency or strength of our erections. The myth that porn promote and society accepts is that a man should be able to get hard anytime and anywhere. When real life doesn't line up with expectations then it can lead to disappointment and unhappiness.

    To be honest, 30-60 days might not be enough for the damage to be healed. Also during this time we might feel a measure of depression, loneliness, frustration, and anxiety which has definite physical effects. Don't measure progress by what other have experienced either... everyone's recovery is unique and different.

    Think about the cost of doing Hard Mode for 30 days. Your wife's physical/emotional/sexual needs are just as important as your needs. Abstinence can remove the daily stress of potential failure and build anticipation. @fuzzywaz had some great ideas for non-sexual intimacy/bonding exercises.

    Overall, I still encourage patience. We have caused a lot of damage to our bodies and brains. We can get discouraged and frightened when things aren't progressing as expected. Rest assured that even though you might not see sexual improvements there are other improvements happening that you might be ignoring but are equally important.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  5. Surfy_steve14

    Surfy_steve14 New Fapstronaut

    3
    0
    1
    Thanks guys. Both these posts are amazing. You both have given me a lot to thinks about and to act on. I read more into hard mode and the no touching rule, no testing for response. I seem to be approaching this in small stages as my understanding grows. Even a few days of no fantasy and no touching seems to have moved me past some little plateau in my recovery and is clearly a large part of my addiction. I figured my wiring is due to being old enough to have not had access to high speed internet but young enough that I graduated to DVDs and internet before having the real deal. Taking away the internet led me to falling back on old habits. I have shared all this with my wife and she wants to give it a go on hard mode for 30 days and then reassess but I'll take your suggestion of other forms of intimacy to heart and I think if I lead with that she will really be on board. Thanks again.
     

Share This Page