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How do I help, or can I?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Hopefulhannah, May 22, 2017.

  1. Hopefulhannah

    Hopefulhannah New Fapstronaut

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    Ive been in a relationship with the love of my life for about 2 years now. We have a daughter, and another on the way!

    He was my half-brother's best friend since childhood... whenever I was introduced to him, I was never told about what he dealt with.

    For nearly our entire relationship, he's been aggressively watching pornography and taking it to another level by seeking pictures of women on Snapchat and Facebook messager.

    He has a foot fetish.

    When he told me he liked feet, I was completely open to the idea of being intamate in this way. As long as he was faithful and committed to me. He shared his when he realized he was stimulated sexually by feet, and I truly felt that we were on the same page.

    I live in a small town, and about two months into the relationship... one of my coworkers confronted me with a screenshot of him asking to see a picture of a girls toes. I know it's toes, not boobs, or a butt. It hurt me, because he was asking to see parts of women that sexually stimulated him.

    Trying to understand, I asked him if he had a problem with his foot fetish. He said no, and that the screenshot was from before we stared dating. Obviously, I knew it was a lie. But, I chose to let him lie to me. I accepted what he had done, and just asked him to delete his Snapchat account.

    Months had gone by and I hadn't been confronted by anyone about him asking to see their feet.

    I found out I was carrying our first child, in November of 2015. We decided to save money and move in together to be a family.

    We finally moved into our first apartment in May of 2016. Everything was great! Our sex life was healthy, and intimate for a while.

    Within the next month he spent abnormal amounts of time in the bathroom. Saying he had to poop of course. I knew he had been masturbating. I tried to be understanding, everyone watches porn, right? I can't forget to mention, I was 8 months pregnant, not feeling oh so sexy.

    My sex drive was intense. But, the weight gain really threw off my confidence. Our intimate times became little to none.

    I found a tablet under the counter in the bathroom. He had a texting app, where he'd ask to see girls toes. He'd ask them about receiving a foot job, and also if he could suck their toes. I then turned on his PlayStation to see what videos he had downloaded because he would stay up late playing video games quite often. There were over 100 videos downloaded of foot porn.

    He NEVER wanted to be intimate with my feet. He may massage them often but never tried to suck my toes or ask me to do anything for him with my feet. I thought he must not like the way my feet look. Or maybe he's embarrassed to ask me for these favors.

    I was embarrassed, confused, heartbroken, and felt betrayed. When I confronted him about this issue, he didn't really have anything to say.

    I felt like he cheated on me. His justification was that he never physically cheated on me. That wasn't enough for me.

    I decided to leave, but it only lasted a couple of weeks. I had my first baby girl in July of 2016. I didn't want anything more than to be happy with him. I thought the baby would help him to stay strong and choose us over his addiction.

    While I was in the hospital recovering, I girl sent me screenshots of him asking to see her sexually and how he wants her. But, I still went home with him because I just wanted to make things work.

    It had gotten to the point where he would masturbate to porn with the door wide open in the bathroom. He didn't know I was where he could see him. But he had become wreck less and careless with the addiction, (well that's how I felt).

    There are numerous occasions of me catching him doing something along the lines of this, but there is not enough time for me to name them all.

    I'll speed up to date, he's finally come to the accpeptance that he does have a problem. He says it's impulse. I am currently not with him, but hope that he can recover so we can be a family.

    I hate that he is separated from our daughter. I hate being separated from him.

    I just don't know if I should walk away. I'm the only one who is there for him. He says he's willing to seek help, but has not taken initiative. I'm starting to grow bitter towards him, because it seems like he doesn't understand the effect is has on me.

    Has anyone stood by their partners side, and seen them through it? Is this something he needs to do alone?

    I love him with all of my heart, I just want to do what's best for our family.
     
  2. Welcome to the forum, and thank you for bringing up the courage to share your story. You're far from being alone on here, which is both sad and comforting. The good news first: Your partner admits that he has a problem. The bad news: the addiction is probably still preventing him from taking the next step towards quitting. It alters the way he thinks, it manipulates his decision making, it numbs his feelings. The addiction is downright smothering him.
    To answer your question, quitting P is something he has to do alone, even though you can definitely help him if you decide to support him. Don't try to police him, he has to learn how to do that by himself. Do tell him how much his actions devastate you, draw a clear line in the sand, define consequences and enforce them if needed. Demand complete honesty! Many of us addicts need a rigorous rock-bottom moment before we decide to take ownership of our actions.
    Once he's committed to quitting, there are a lot of things you can do to support him. Invite him to sign up on here or to take a look at YBOP to learn about his addiction, for starters. FANOS or scheduled cuddling are powerful tools for couples to help the addict. Until then, take good care of yourself and your daughter. Nothing of this is your fault, and you are a strong woman for deciding to support your partner. I dearly hope he decides to take actions soon. Wishing you all the best!
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2017
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  3. Hopefulhannah

    Hopefulhannah New Fapstronaut

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    @ChangeMattersToMe
    Thank you so much! I definitely agree, when I make it about me... it seems to never make it better. I told him about this site this morning when I spoke to him. He said he'll give it a shot! I know he will have to do it on his own, but I'll try my best to supoort him. Even if it has to be from a distance for now. After reading other threads, it has really brought great clarity to me. Especially reading about recoveries. I'm so thankful for this community.
     
  4. Feel free to skim through my recovery journal as well.
     
  5. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    The most difficult step he has to take is that first step. I remember my first therapy session and talking about trivial things until the last minute of the session where I finally said, "I have a problem with pornography and I need help." For years I hid that secret and my whole personality was formed around concealing that secret and protecting my addiction. You can't make him come out from behind the walls he has built around himself. You can encourage him (gently or forcefully) by showing him the benefits (or consequences) of seeking treatment.

    @ChangeMattersToMe hit the nail on the head by creating a rock-bottom moment. Addicts surround themselves with delusional thinking. A rock-bottom moment creates an opportunity for the person to realize who destructive their behavior has become. Unfortunately, you have already moved out and that has had limited success. Sometimes a person will come out of their delusion for a little while only to sink back below the surface again.

    Does he genuinely not know what to do next or do you think he's intentionally procrastinating? Addicts will continue with the status quo until they are forced to moved.
     
  6. My husband admits an issue but is very resistant when I try to communicate with him about it. He says he hasn't P in about a month but when I ask him questions I get "idk" a lot and "why" which are a little frustrating to me bc I am trying to be supportive and patient but my personality will only deal with something or ask for something or be rejected so many times before I just give up and it's too late.
     

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