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New but not so new

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Just me, Apr 10, 2017.

  1. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    Hello,
    Years ago I belonged to a similar forum that I believe had a name relating to fire or flame. I cannot seem to find that website, but this one seems to fill a similar purpose. I have been with my husband for a over 11 years and we have been married for a little under 9 years. Porn became a problem once I realized he watched it regularly (he did not lie about it prior, I just had never asked). I told him that I was not ok with it in a relationship. I guess at this point he had never seriously tried to stop because he didn't know it would be so difficult (this was prior to marriage). He would sometimes tell me that he was back to porn and it would upset me. I would get very angry. He made efforts to stop- including blocking every key term he could think of on a router that was locked in his roommates room. He is extremely tech savvy though and that seemed to not be enough. I think at this point he would still tell me the truth if I asked. He was working on it and we got married and I remember one time in our first year of marriage him telling me that he had been watching porn and I got so angry. I threw away a picture of us we had mounted. I think that was what made him start lying. I don't really know. Anyway we didn't have the internet at our next apartment for this reason and he would get around this by taking our laptop to the library. I didn't know this for well over a year and I would ask and he would lie. I didn't know why but I was extremely unhappy in our marriage. We had just had our first baby (just shy of a year old) when my husband woke up and went to the bathroom. He was gone for a long time. I tried to convince myself not to check, but I noticed his phone was gone from where I thought it should be. I went back to bed and after he went to sleep I went and checked and sure enough his phone was where it was supposed to be. And I knew. I just knew. I went and slept on the couch and in the morning he asked me why I was out there. I said something to the effect of I was upset and why else would he be gone for so long with his phone. He admitted he had been lying. I was really ready to leave him. I told him the only reason I wasn't staying with my parents was because I knew my dad would never forgive him and that if we had a chance of staying together I would want them to maintain a relationship. For some reason seeing that I was ready to leave, he sought counseling. He was referred by our pastor to someone who he saw regularly(this was over 6 years ago). He stopped having a smart phone. We became closer than ever. He saw his counselor for a pretty long time and I remember at one point (maybe a year or so into it) the counselor said he didn't really know what else they could discuss and that they could stop meeting, but my husband insisted they keep meeting. He was very serious at the time. He was completely free of it (to my knowledge-and he still maintains this) for over 4 years. When he started really wanting a smart phone again. I was extremely unhappy about it. But at the time iPhone has content restrictions that seemed like they could work. And they did. For just over under a year. At that time he came to me and told me that he had found one of his apps had a search functionality that could let him access something- i think it was scantily clad women and if I could please find a way to delete it. It was my understanding that he hadn't used it for that- and that he was being proactive. I haven't clarified. Anyway, it appeared that I could not block single apps after I researched it quite a bit and asked him if he would be ok he told me he thought he would. A few days later (now a year ago) I left the house briefly to get some peach trees for our house. Now I hate those trees. Anyway, as soon as I got back and started digging he said that I needed to block the website. So I knew something was up. After the kids went to bed, he answered all of my questions, he had used it to find pictures of girls to maturbate to and to please block itand eventually we figured out we could turn off the ability to download any app. Of course I was hurt, but I was so glad that he had told me. I really monitored my reaction and although I let him know I was deeply hurt I was so grateful that he told me rather than hiding it. I did not respond extremely angrily or anything. Now I'm here so you know this doesn't end well. I started having a weird need to ask him if he was back to using porn. He would tell me no. I actually probably started asking before he really started back again. (Neither of us is exactly sure on timing). But basically he had found a way to search for porn without being tracked by the safari history (to be honest I never checked because I wanted to trust him). Within certain apps. I will not describe in case anyone reads this with this issue. Anyway this persisted over a period of months with me asking more and more regularly (and actually not asking as often as I felt compelled to). I was researching stuff for trying to find a safe way to have home internet when I found something I thought he might be doing that could apply to wifi situations (turns out what I thought might have been happening would not work- I later tested it). But with this feeling and thinking I had figured it out I asked him again and he said no. I said "really?" Kinda of hopeless and he asked why. I stayed silent and he told me we would talk about it later (we were having lunch- we also work together) lunch was super awkward and I pretty much knew I was right. We got back to the car and he said he had relapsed months ago. We talking about it a little and then after the kids went to bed we talked about it some more. At the very least, he was getting to it and being disgusted with himself and then closing it around a quarter of the time (he initially said half- a few days later I said I bet he was over stating it. I don't think it was really lying so much as he tends to overstate most everything when telling stories). I guess I'm sort of relieved that that was the issue and that our sex won't have to suck forever. But at the same time I am feeling completely broken. I am a thoughtful wife who throughout each and every day makes sacrifices and decisions for his happiness. I am more than generous in bed- and he knows this because his closest friend tells him what his wife is like. I feel like I have tried so hard for his happiness and he just completely disregarded that. I know it's a compulsion but honestly even the fact that he has the compulsion hurts me. He recalled the one time we were watching a movie and a character came on screen and I guess I gasped (this was a long time ago) and told me how that didn't feel good to him. He says he loves me but I just can't feel it. If he would have told me, things would be so different right now. He choose to do this he choose to hide it he choose to lie again and again and again. I hate feeling like this.

    He has asked about getting rid of his phone again (his idea not mine) and I told him I just don't think it's a good idea. He was ok with not having a smartphone before until it became a major issue for him because he linked it to a horrifying childhood experience, and so whenever he saw someone using a smartphone he would think how he wanted one but couldn't have one because of that experience whixh meant he was thinking of childhood trauma frequently throughout the day. I don't think bringing that back would be healthy for a relationship either. I really don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I hate that I'm here again. I hate that he choose to do this to me. To himself. To our family. Did he not know he'd be treating me differently? Looking at me differently? Loving me differently? He says he'd just wake up or just be thinking and an idea would pop up into his head if how he could get it when he wasn't even wanting it and then he would try to push it away but it would keep creeping up and the. He would test it in a moment of weakness. Then feel bad and delete the app. Until he came to the one which couldn't be turned off because it was under the restrictions that only I knew the password to. It is true he was deleting apps before I found out.

    I just want to be loved.
     
    ChangeMattersToMe likes this.
  2. Very sorry you're going through this. A quick observation from the guy side:

    Blocking sites and/or getting rid of a phone may be useful steps, but if he's totally reliant on doing that, then it sounds like he hasn't fully committed to the idea that quitting is an issue of his willpower. It's not enough to be able to say to himself/you, "oh well I was able to access these sites, so I did. I need to block them" any more than it's acceptable for an alcoholic to use the existence of bars to justify failing to get that under control. Plus, there is basically no way these days to completely limit one's access to material.

    Sorry, that isn't exactly helping the problem, and I'm really not tying to sound negative. But I would think there sounds like a clear need for him to accept reaponsibility for fixing his problem, and the damage it's doing to him, you and your relationship.

    Perhaps you need to come up with a plan to quit together. This means identifying the many ways his porn use is harming both of you, what his triggers are and how to avoid them, why it is he feels he needs to watch porn. And start a day counter, and see how things go. I would also say it's crucial he admit to you if he relapses - which also means understanding that it may happen. You're not looking for an overnight fix. If he's really trying, and making progress, and admits relapses when they happen, rather than descending back into long periods of use and lies, then that's something. Personally, I know I might relapse at some point, but I really don't want to, and I'll talk to my SO about it if I do, and commit to do even better on my next 'reboot'.

    It's not an easy road quitting an addiction, but it's impossible without a real commitment to it.
     
    LizzyBlanca and TooMuchTooSoon like this.
  3. Sorry, just wanted to add, as I know I can sound negative and got stuck on the 'how to proactively get him to quit' question. You are absolutely a victim in this, and deserve to have him acknowledge this, and demonstrably demonstrate commitment to quitting, and more importantly, you.
     
  4. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    You know I didn't take it that way. The thing is he doesn't believe he has the will power. Probably because he has failed so many times before - and this way is easier. Too be honest putting up his own blocks is a form of willpower- much like an alcoholic not having alcohol in his home. I think porn is something that is even easier to get ahold of and becomes a constant temptation even in your own home.

    He has a tremendous amount of willpower. He refused to take pain meds after jaw surgery as a teenager because he was afraid of becoming addicted. I wish he would apply the same willpower to our relationship.
     
  5. That story about the jaw does show impressive resolve, but it also shows an underlying fear of lack of willpower. He didn't trust that he could temporarily take pain medication, and he doesn't believe he can give up porn by himself. So I'd say use whatever aids him in getting away from it - but also have other things to help. He should have a go to thing to do to distract him when he's tempted (I come here or play online chess). Set realistic goals (make it a week, then a month, etc) And, rather than looking at a relapse as back to the beginning, ensure that relapses become less and less frequent over time. 'None' is the goal, but 'less' is a good first step. And rewards for achieving milestones - this isn't easy.
     
  6. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    What do you mean by rewards? How how frequently do you do these things?

    I kind of think part of the problem was that he was successful for such a long time that it made the guilt and shame stronger than a temporary set back when someone is just setting out again . He had been porn free for at least over 5 years. With one kind of relapse almost 6 years.
     
  7. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and welcome to the forum. Your story and how you describe your husband's struggles sounds eerily familiar to me. First of all, you did nothing wrong at all. You have all the right in the to be angry, depressed, hurt, cranky, impatient, discontent.. you name it! This addiction is devastating for the partner, as it seemingly drains all the love out of the addict. You said that he loves you, but you can't feel it, and from my own recovery, I can strongly relate to that. PMO addiction numbs your feelings, and even though I never stopped loving my wife, the feeling of love was completely smothered by the addiction. Only after a few weeks into my first reboot, I was able to see my feelings come back to life.
    Here are the good news, recovery is very possible. But I have to agree to what @AverageBear said, your husband can't just rely on blocking mechanisms in his phone or computer. He has to take ownership for his actions and actively work on his recovery. Sometimes, the addict uses PMO to cover his underlying problems like low self-esteem, anxiety or depression, just to name a few, but that must not be the case with him. Either way, he has to commit to a full reboot, and do whatever it takes to make it happen. The bad news are that you can't force him to it, he has to make that decision on his own. Don't police him, that is not your job and will only make you feel bad while it will ultimately make him find ways to circumvent the blocking, since that happened before. From my own experience, blocking apps are a helpful tool, but not the solution. The solution is to work on yourself, fully commit to quitting PMO, and to replace the addiction with healthy habits.
    From your writing I assume that you're still willing to help him if he wanted to make a real effort to quitting P. As hard as it is, try to remember that he probably never really chose to hurt you. This addiction is devious, sneakily infesting an unsuspecting mind until it's way too late to get out easily. I'm not saying this to excuse his actions, only to explain them. I still remember how I felt when I tried to stop on my own countless times, only to see myself falling back into old habits without being able to do anything about it. It was like I was nothing but a spectator, watching myself doing things that I knew were wrong and hurtful for my wife.
    Tell him this. Invite him to make an account on this forum, to visit YBOP to learn about the addiction. There are many tools for couples like FANOS or scheduled cuddling. There's a support group for SOs as well.
    Wishing you and your husband all the best!
     
  8. Sorry, all I meant was to ensure there's a healthy degree of positivity. That rather than focusing on the problem, that progress is acknowledged. It's a tough thing to do, and process isn't linear, but it's about being better than a week, a month, a year ago. I guess I meant an emotional reward system - sorry I wasn't clear - because it's easy to focus completely on the negative. And what's the point in fixing yourself if all that you're getting out of it is feeling rubbish about yourself?
     

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