If you can't get girls in real life, what's the point?

Perhaps there is nothing to do to rid you of the pain. The pain may have to run its course. We can never know the work of suffering and how it will change us. Just stay aware and conscious, your suffering brought you here, it has connected you with others. Who knows where it will take you. Trust your intuition and follow the path that surrounds you with some sense of peace and solace no matter how small. You don't need to overwhelm yourself with a to do list of how to get better! Instead feel what is here and let it lead you!! Life is full of joy and pain, it is in one that we get to know the other! You are already on your path my friend.

 

You had me up until the point where you recommended a ridiculous self-help book to change my life. I realize that I create my own misery, but I don't need to buy a book of trite advice to change that. Those books are horrible and I don't think they ever help anyone. Some may disagree with me, but I honestly don't give a fuck anymore.

 

"Those books are horrible and I don't think they ever help anyone. Some may disagree with me, but I honestly don't give a fuck anymore. "

Lol. Enough said.

 

Hey, don't be that negative! I'm sure they helped their writers, financially.

Seriously, don't give a fuck about what? Your life, or reading self-help books? If it's the latter, I agree although it's not nice to diss someone just because he recommended a book. He didn't shove it down your throat.

If it's the former, you're screwed, because no one can get you out of your misery than yourself. It's in YOUR head, and no one can just brainwash you to think otherwise.

I know, because I'm screwed as well. I think I am a failure, and since I cannot beat myself to submission and convince myself otherwise, I feel that I am even a bigger failure. And thus it just goes on and on, I'm blaming myself in an unending loop. The point is, that it goes on so long than the actual reason to feel bad is already forgotten. I am a failure because I am a failure because I am a failure etc.

If you feel bad about yourself, and you think the only way out is whipping yourself until you get out, you'll never get out, because it is NEGATIVE thinking about YOUR OWN ABILITIES. Trust me, I'm an expert in this.

So I'd suggest getting acquainted with self-compassion. Here's a free and not too long article that made me at least acknowledge the need to be easy on yourself:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201209/forget-self-esteem

(There are book recommendations at the bottom but ignore them... that's what I did)

 

If the old isn't working for you then open your mind and try something new. What have you got to lose?

 

I don't know... Talking about weather could do the trick.

 

Well if you don't want to give it a shot, that's your choice. It IS your life after all. I'd suggest trying to actually give a fuck about it though. Your life, that is. It's actually pretty worth it.

 

"my struggle apart from the porn addiction is to make myself ready and mature enough emotionally to handle a relationship. "

No offense, but what you said is complete bull.

Most people are NOT emotionally MATURE and they still get into relationships, while others don't, and yet might be just as "immature emotionally" as the ones that do. Would you explain that, sir?

Idea for this post is not about "handling a relationship" it's rather about starting one in the first place, no matter if it lasts a month or a lifetime.

 

I used to be like you, shy, nervous talking to girls, then I got on the Internet in 1995. It changed my life. I could chat with girls without worrying about rejection because it's easier to absorb online, plus girls were talking to me because of who I was, not because of what I looked like or because I couldn't look them in the eye. From chatting online, it moved to talking on the phone and again, they were talking to me because of me. From talking to the phone, it moved to meeting them in person, but it was all natural at that point.

In short, it was good practice. I gained confidence in being able to hold a conversation with a woman, knowing when to crack jokes to make them laugh or how to be sympathetic if needed. I was 19 when I first had a lengthy conversation of any sort with a woman (or girl at the time, she was my age) and this was over the phone. To this day, her and I are still friends.

If you do talk to women online, be open and honest with them. Who cares if they don't like something about you, there are millions of other women on the Internet!

 

You need to create your own motivation. Although there is great ideas here, you have to ACT upon the ideas. Narrow it down to something you do like, by continuing to do things you do NOT like. How do you truly know if you like it or not? You have to do it. There is power in doing and you don't truly know if you like to do it or not unless you actually do it. This will get you out there.

I would pick a sport to help you "get out there" and meet people. Sports are heavily team based. It literally FORCES you to interact with people. Even in "solo" sports such as running. You don't have to go into this expecting or even trying to become a pro. That's not your goal.

 

If you're looking for one book to read, try How To Win Friends and Influence People. It gets looked down on because of the title, and because it's not some Dr. Distinguished Psychological New Theory Based Self Help (not that there's anything wrong with that). Rather, Dale Carnigie's theory is basically that people will like you if you're nice to them.

But Carnigie doesn't just assert that- the book is full of practical, concrete steps , especially in Part 2, the aptly-named "Ways to Make People Like You." It's decent, practical advice. It's not necessarily going to flip a switch, but it could move the dial a few notches when you do encounter people.

The incompetence of psychologists is another reason why I recommenced this book so strongly. At about 19 I was seeing a psychologist and I was discussing some no-friends-game problems, and asked for advice about how to interact with people. All he could say is "I think it comes naturally in time." I would have killed for someone to refer me to this book, or at least someone forcefully tell me to, in every interaction, go out of my way to see if there is some compliment I could say, because there probably is a true one (it has to be true; people have a nose for false flattery) and people like it when you compliment them.

Agree with the rest of the advice here, try to make yourself a more interesting person as well. Ultimately, of course, you have to want to change more than you're scared of it. Much the way right now I'm sitting on an application for a dream job that I have a shot -- not great, but decent -- of getting, because I'm scared.

Best of luck.