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OMG He fapped again and hid it again.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Tania1974, Apr 19, 2017.

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  1. Tania1974

    Tania1974 Fapstronaut

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    Hi all. Im starting to go insane. Ive been with my partner for 2 years and we live together with my little girl from a previous relationship after my hubby died. I have since found out that he is addicted to pmo'ing and theres been times hes been caught sexting with random woman all over the world.

    Now the caveats are that we have a mortgage that I can't afford to pay alone and my daughter adores him, and he's the only father figure she's had after losing her dad in 2012. She's 7.

    Hes consistently lied about online chatting and has said that he views it as cheating and set the rule that we wouldnt do that after we met when all along he was getting off on that after all. I found loads of messages on his phone some of which were utterly deplorable. Like racist dirty chat which I couldnt understand cause he hates racism with a passion! But he said in the heat of the moment it becomes like a challenge as to who can be more shocking. I signed up to this forum and researched and he's agreed to go to counselling. He admits he has a porn addiction and he has crippling performance anxiety due to humiliations from previous relationships and especially if late he has suffered with ED because of it which frankly has crushed my soul. Hes lied about the stuff he's been doing and I can't trust him anymore.

    He started a reboot 2-3 weeks ago and we have tried once to have sex to which he couldnt so it again and it ended up me crying and feeling awful. The next day (yesterday) he's fapped again! Didn't tell me, I found a t shirt he'd erm....you know. Messy.

    Anyway....we made a deal that he'd tell me if he did it. Now...i am a very open minded woman of 42. Theres not much i havent done in the sack and I regularly used to enjoy porn and P.O. myself but it's not a problem to me. So im not bloody prude. My issue is i cannot tolerate lies and secrets and certainly choosing to do that rather than have sex with me, which is what hes been doing!!!!

    I'm being destroyed. I cant afford to have him move out and I dont want to break my daughter's heart again.

    Pleeeeease help! I'm actually feeling close to the edge. I have no family support at all and only 1 friend. I cant take anymore.

    :,(
     
  2. abra

    abra Fapstronaut

    Hello Tania, there are a few things i'd like to say:
    • I feel really sorry for the three of you and the situation you are in.
    • To get away from porn, masturbation, sexting, it'll take time,probably much more than what you think. It is not only stopping, things get better and he does not do It again. It'll be several resets. If he had issues with sexuality or relationships, it'll probably need professional psychological support, and maybe the first ones he'll meet will not fit his needs and you'll both be tempted to stop. You may resent him for lying, not having sex, resetting.
    • The most important point, and you may not find It immediately: is he really, honestly, deeply, aware, and accepting, that he has an issue and needs to change? I saw a case when It turned out to be no, after two years of effort of the wife to help and support.
    • If you understand that and want to carry on, then you'll discover more about him, more about porn, more about addiction in general. You'll see him resetting and not telling you because of shame, of fear to hurt you. You'll need to change your behaviour regarding trust. You'll see him making very slow progress. Your sexual life will be non existent then fragile then stronger. There is hope on the long term.
    • I encourage you to get more friends. Not to tell them the issues he faces, but because on long term again, you need to live a bit more out of this relationship.
    • I feel really sorry for the 3 of you.
     
    Marcel0404 and sparkywantsnoPMO like this.
  3. Tania1974

    Tania1974 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Abra. He has posted on here about how he feels. I'm don't really know the answer to your question to be honest. My brain is fried!

    As regards to getting more friends that's really hard. I live in a small town 200 miles away from family and getting out with a small child is nion impossible!

    Thank you for your support. X
     
  4. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    Tania - i'm taking a big chance even posting here i feel. I'm a guy, a PMO addict who hid the evil side of myself from my wife for years. When i leveled with her i honestly didn't understand her pain. I was a jerk. I'd like to try to explain a bit of what us guys are about with this. Porn makes us stupid. and endlessly selfish. and the worst is we don't know it. at a fundamental, almost cellular level, we feel ashamed and embarrassed by being bound to such foolishness. we feel weak, which is again fundamentally debilitating. and we are so, so, so aware of the fact that we are hurting our woman, yet powerless to stop, and aware that we have a responsibility to serve and protect our spouse and not abuse. I cannot explain how deeply that affects our soul.

    The perverse thing is we cannot stop. those that can, do, and they are not to found here. and we feel ashamed and frustrated that we cannot stop. we deserve your wrath, and in a pitiful way like it, because we know how much it is deserved. this pain drives us to find some solace - and we find it in dopamine and the hazy euphoria that hours of edging provide. then we feel worse than ever. we cannot imagine why you stick with us - but we desperately need you.

    it is sick. it makes no sense. honestly many never find their way out - the fact your man has leveled with you at all puts him in the top 2% IMO. i wish him success in his journey. I wish you peace - i have some slight clue as to how much you have been hurt. i know it hurts deep in places that are dark and sacred.

    I hope this has been helpful. i hope you find support and love here. his problem is not about you - know that.

    peace.
     
  5. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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    He has to be the one to want to heal and overcome this horrible addiction, and you need to look after the best interests of your child. I am not a Professional Counselor, but I do have a daughter myself. You need to decide if hes worth sticking around for and quickly, as you have your daughter to think about. Don't drag it on if hes a hopeless loser.
     
    fuzzywaz and Buzz Lightyear like this.
  6. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I agree with the above post. You need a heart to heart. If he seriously wants to become a better person, and a better father to your daughter, stick with it. If not, what's the point? You could perhaps put him on 'probation'? Give him a year or so....
     
    fuzzywaz and Runtilmylegsdropoff like this.
  7. Tania1974

    Tania1974 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your replies. He swears to death that he really wants to kick this and hes full of admissions etc but the question is how do you know if he's going to do it? He swears he was going to tell me about his relapse but I found the evidence before he got a chance and made excuses like "you we're in a mood with me when I gor back from work so I didn't want to make it worse" we we're having a nice cuddle in bed and I didn't want to ruin the mood by telling you" yadda yadda whatever.

    I just feel THAT was the issue, him not being honest and telling me. If he had it wouldnt have bothered me as much. It's all this dishonesty I cannot bare.

    So in truth I just don't know. I want things the way they were but I know that's unrealistic.

    All I do know is this is agony. I do love him but this is tearing us to shreds. He is being good with my daughter though. Putting on a poker face. I told him to.
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    The lying is usually the worst part for us SOs I am there too I feel you. The problem is that if you chose to stay you must trust a person at least a little to be honest and upfront with you. You don't know he really wants to stop you don't know that he will. You don't know he will tell you if he slips up you just have to hope. Only he knows and he holds all the cards. It's a horrible feeling.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  9. SeekingSolace

    SeekingSolace Fapstronaut

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    I can relate to everything you say Tania. I remember at various points in this journey, I felt like I could deal with the addiction, but the lying was driving me insane and breaking my heart. Then I realized by much reading here and other places, that the lying is just a part of the addiction. It is just what addicts do and they are very, very good at it. For their addiction to continue to exist, they feel that they must lie and they want to protect that addiction no matter the cost to their loved ones or to themselves.

    Wish I had magic words for you. You really need to have serious communication with your SO. Try to get a feel as to whether his efforts to control his addiction are sincere. Since his words are pretty much meaningless, you have to judge his actions. Is he attending meetings, seeing a therapist, avoiding places or situations which are his triggers? Is he putting in the time and doing the work that it will take to help him succeed? Most of all, trust your gut. You know that you can't completely trust him, so find a way to begin to trust your instincts. Suck it up and make those heartbreaking and gut wrenching decisions about what is best for your future. If you decide to stay and try to get through this with your partner, figure out what your boundaries are and stick to them. Do everything you have to do to save yourself and your daughter.

    As painful as it may be to hear, you have to begin to realize that things will never, ever, ever be the way they were again. That doesn't mean that you can't find a new "normal" and share a happy life together, but this is a life-long struggle for your SO and for you as well. I wish you all the best.
     
    TooMuchTooSoon and Marcel0404 like this.
  10. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I think for me it's less about realizing things will never be the same again and more about the fact that they never were as I thought they were. Its actually grieving the loss of the relationship you thought you had and it's very hard. You see the person entirely differently and you are not sure what is real and what's not. Oftentimes as well their behavior totally changes and even the personality you once knew when they stop. Sometimes it's positive sometimes it's not. And grieving the fact that you will never have a "normal" relationship. You are in love with an addict and you had no clue and he will always be an addict in recovery or not. Nobody goes into dating saying yay please let me marry an addict? So it's a lot to accept.
     
  11. Tania1974

    Tania1974 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks once again. I don't want to come off as crazy here but I I've come to the end of my road. There was a evening planned last night, bands, disco and dancing etc my daughter has been super excited about it for weeks and so was I. I like an IDIOT thought I'd get all dressed up to the nines, sexy vintage underwear on that I have a weakness for and it was lovely....for them. They danced like the best daddy/daughter partnership and we even had a few dances together. All I could see in front of me was a lie. A happy couple with a beautiful family, my daughter's bereavement from her lost father far in the distance, me, the lucky woman with the gorgeous charismatic guy the ladies were oggling. I felt miserable all night knowing this was so fragile any moment now it'll be POOF and it'll all be gone.

    Evening came to a close and we got home. He was drunk! I put my little tired girl to bed in her haze of euphoria.

    I came down thinking we'd have some alone time and hopefully because he's had a couple of beers we'd have sex. I walked in and he was completely drunk. Jesting how "that" (pointing to down there) was totally drunk. I went upstairs, got undressed and sobbed so hard I was nearly sick. I had to get up for fear of waking my little girl. I was beside myself down stairs and he walked in. He was unusually exasperated I guess because of alcohol and when I told him that no I didn't enjoy myself he spat back at me with waving hands "I'm trying here what do you want me to do, I thought we had a great night, What shall I do? What do you want me to DO?"

    I don't remember sobbing so hard, not even when my husband died. I guess that's the trouble.....I thought this was the end of my pain meeting him. Seems to be just the beginning.

    I'm sorry but I really wish we were both dead. My little girl and myself. She's been blighted as it is. I can't give her a sibling due to an emergency hysterectomy i had to have after her birth and shes already lonely. We're both alone here and she thinks he's her world. Looking at her angelic face knowing what I know is agonizing. I've never felt so alone. This is tearing me apart. I am scared this'll finish me. I survived so much and I'm scared I'm getting to the end of my rope.
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2017
  12. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Hi. No time to talk more now but will come back. Wife of a similar man here. What helps me now is the work on recovery nation.com. I am working through those worksheets and lessons and they help structure my thoughts and feelings. I encourage you to have a look a. It's a site that aids recovery for sex addiction etc but it has a lot of support for partners too.
     

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