In love but out of control

Welcome. I am the partner of a man with porn induced ED and I share all of your feelings you are not alone. I feel like I can't tell friends or family because I'm embarrassed but I know it's not my shame to bear nor is it yours. I am a month out from discovering my partner was using porn for the entire relationship, for me only a year. He also told me he was no longer using it after he could never ejaculate with me and we decided together the porn was the problem. I actually checked in with him regularly and he lied to me repeatedly. Funny when we got caught he also said he did not remember that agreement. I don't believe him and I don't believe your partner does not remember either. It's just one of the ways they try to diminish what they did and also a form of gas lighting or making you feel crazy. Like no id course not I never said that you are losing your mind, it shifts focus and blame and does legit make you feel crazy! I discovered as well I have betrayal ptsd and I have all the same symptoms as you. I feel like our entire relationship was a lie and that he's a total different person than I fell in love with. It is not your fault. It has nothing to do with your looks. You are not alone.

 

I can relate. It is really hard to come to terms with knowing the one person you trusted more than anyone has deliberately deceived you. And the fact that the subject of the lie and the addiction is sexual really makes you feel like the very core of your relationship and connection might have been a lie too. My SO has been clean about 5 months and I am still trying to figure out how to reconcile these feelings and move forward. I still find my mind going back to events over the last few years and making painful connections. I am still having days when I am awake at 3 am, obsessing about something to do with this whole issue. It sucks. I am sorry. Thre is a great support group here for SO's you might consider joining.

 

For me, at this point, it is worth it to stay. We have kids together, so I need to consider them as well. If not for the kids I would likely have left, at least initially and possibly permanently. But going forward I will never tolerate P or lies in the relationship again. I was at the point of being ready to leave over the betrayal alone, but also ready to support and rebuild if I was confident we were on the same page. My situation is a little different. We've been together 12 years, he comes from a traumatic childhood and used FMO as a daily thing since early teens as a means of coping with uncomfortable emotions. He used P in the form of magazines and DVD, intermittently over our 12 year relationship, and lied and kept it hidden. It wasn't until he started using internet P in the last few years that the addiction developed to the point that it was seriously negatively impacting our relationship and his wellbeing. I don't know if it is possible to fully repair the trust. Right now I am confident he is on track because the changes I have experienced. Even though I know logically right now that he isn't lying and deceiving me again, I still have times where my mind says, "what if he is lying?...what if this is just another big smokescreen? what if you really don't know him at all?" I believe this is the trauma talking. So yeah, 5 months in, the trust has not been repaired. I am struggling a lot to be vulnerable again because I was for 12 years and it got me fucked over so.... Overall things are going OK and I am feeling way better then I did when this all came out, but things are not healed or fixed yet. I do wonder sometimes if things are too broken to be put back together. Like, I don't think things will ever be the same because what I thought we were was never real so.... It's a bit like starting a new relationship with the same person