How to tell your Family/Loved Ones/SO/Best friends.

Hey Fapstronaughts,

So my thread here is about how to tell your loved ones about this issue. One thing that I have learned; is that you cannot do this alone. I tell everyone who I talk to. Do not go through this alone. You need people you love surrounding you, to support you, to care for you, to just hold you. Human connection is the best form of healing, and I believe it helps us connect to something more rewarding than porn, even masturbation.

I first did nofap two years ago. I went in alone, I refused to open up to my SO, and my family, and friends, in fear of getting hurt, and the stress. I got lost in the wilderness and I couldn't find my way to safety. Below is how i approached my family, and my best friends about my problem. And how it made me feel 10 times better than before.

This will be a long post, but please read it all the way. I think a lot of us are having this same issue. I want to help all of you by sharing my experience.

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I started with my father. I have two dads, I was in a bad spot going through my divorce and having the thought of never seeing my child again.. I was heaps of trouble.. and needed someone to pull me out. Now I don't like my dad, he's a douche bag, he mentally abused me as a child. Mind fuck after mind fuck. I had two months 0 communication recently, and I had planned on cutting him out of my
Life completely.. I had no clue how he would react. But I needed my father.. I FaceTimed them; and just straight up said, I'm going through a divorce, and one of the reasons why this is happening is because of my porn addiction. I'm a porn addict and it led me to hookers. So I spent the next 1 hour telling them everything. My dads responded very well. Calm, listening, asking questions. Hearing me out. Hearing me cry. I was clear, direct, I left nothing out. 100% Honest. They can be assholes.. but they have moments where they are there, and help me up; and put me on the correct path.

I then had a group FaceTime with my sisters. I have 3. What is hard here is that they are my sisters.. and I have to now tell my sisters, about my issue as a man. Whether that's sexist or not, it's hard for guys to come out with this information to girls, sister's or wives or gfs..I did the exact same thing as I did with my fathers. Of course, they cried, it was emotional for me and for them. Again, I was direct, clear and brought up everything point by point. My sisters were also there for me, they showed love, and compassion for my problem, and were so emotional about it cause they had no idea what I've been through, and how alone I was, and they wished they could have helped earlier. But now they are here, and support and love me 100%

And last is, my mother... this one was very hard. I still get choked up thinking about it. And it's super fucking embarrassing cause you are now being vulnerable, and open to your mother. But I did it, I told my mother and her boyfriend (who I love also) that I am a porn addict and I went to prostitutes. The thought of telling your own mother this, is fucking scary, but to be honest to yourself; you cannot give half-truths.. so I again was 100% honest, clear, direct. But it was also very hard, and very emotional.

After I told my family, I told my best friends. I have 11 closest friends who I played water polo together in college and basically found my brothers. Still to this day I'm telling each one as it's hard to find times cause I'm in Germany and they are in California. But I told my friends, my bros. I opened up my heart, my emotions, and my friends were there for me. My friends support me. I am no longer alone in this struggle. I've told a few of my teammates here as well. And as of right now I feel alive, i feel loved, i feel not alone. And this feeling helped me get back on track.

I think, your family Loves you. Even if your dad/mom/siblings are a puritan/anti-masturnation. They love you, and will listen; and will give feedback and will help you..because that's what family is. That's what family is for.

what I did for these conversations was, i prepared myself exactly how I want to talk about it. Because you will Get worked up, and emotional, and you will lose train of thought, you will go in circles. Make it organized, make it like a story. You are essentially telling your family and friends your story. My story is here on my profile, I read my family my story; and then gave more background after. This helped them understand more, and have more of an idea a about what is going on.

It's okay to cry in front of your mother. In front of your father, in front of your boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, teachers, wives, husbands, your children even! whoever it may be! this is the vulnerability in your brain. This is your inner child finally letting go of all the shit that he/she went through. Don't be afraid to release, to be open, to be honest to your loved ones. Because when you finally let go of that inner child. To let him just finally say what he's wanted to say after all these years. You will feel better. You will feel worthy, you will feel a better person. Your loved ones will also be more CONNECTED to you, they will understand you, they will always love you.

The next step after identifying the issue, is to be honest about it, with any addiction! Be honest to yourself; and your family and friends. When You come up with the courage to speak, just be yourself, don't over act, don't blame, don't get off track, don't get down in the dumps. Stay with your story, stay focused. Start from when you first started watching porn, and how it increased and what is happening now; and then end with what you are feeling, and what it's doing to your mind, body; soul, wife, kids, whatever that may be.

Just know, when you tell your dad or mother siblings or friends or if you want a big group conversation.. you are their son, their brother, their sister their best friend. They are your family, they will love you and they will always be there to support you. They will be there for you.

I will end this with again: Having 30 people behind you, is better and will always be better, than standing your ground alone. Let your inner child go, let your emotions flow, sit and cry in your mothers and fathers arms, in your siblings, in your friends. Do not be alone. All of you can do this. If you don't have a mother, or a father, or sisters and brothers, there are people who you know, who care. Those people will support you.

I hope you guys finished the Thread. Please post below, your experiences if you have already done so. Tell your story how you opened up. Tell your story so the 16 year old who signs up on this website knows that he will not be alone. Let the whole fucking world know, that this addiction is real.

Cheers

Sunni

 

I appreciate the feedback!

So, obviously, there are people you tell, and people you don't. You're not gonna go to your boss and say, I'm an addict. I mentioned teacher for example cause some people have a close relationship to their professors, whether that's romantic, apprenticeship, research groups. Etc. it's just about who you feel the most comfortable with.

I don't feel judged by my family or friends and teammates. My family is 100% behind me. And they are not afraid to just tell me the truth and be upfront about their thoughts. and my friends as well. If my friends judge me based on my problems, and talk behind my back about it. Then they shouldn't be my friends.

I don't think I am a victim. I think I am a normal human who developed a connection to something that makes me happy, which happened as a child. It's a normal animal instinct. Being judged by someone won't change the way I think, i think people who judge me based on my problems have problems themselves that they are not dealing with. I think what may make some people here feel like a victim is if you punish yourself for your addiction, for your relapse. Punishing yourself and self-loathing only leads to guilt and more relapse.

I think confessing my emotions to my inner circle, brings about relief in yourself, and more connection to your inner circle. My friends now know a side of me that they didn't even know about. I think opening up to your best friends and family can help you get a closer relationship with them.

Trusting people is fucking difficult, especially with something like this. When you let your heart out, and become vulnerable and you get hurt, you can't trust. You just go back into your shell. It happened to me with a gf I really loved. I basically put my heart through the door and she slammed the door shut. So I have a problem with romance. And being vulnerable to my SO. But this I think is something that will come back overtime, if you keep being positive, and not negative..

 

I obviously don't know you, your personality, your life and what made you the man you are today. I do however, understand your thought process, and why you feel this way. I had a time where I didn't trust anyone, with anything. I just put a mask up and went about my day. I kept my emotions to me. I kept my inner circle outside of my life. Bottling up all this crap.

I know that my thread isn't for everyone. There are some people who just cannot be open about themselves. I guess I just found my way to do it 4 weeks ago when I lost everything. And then this is just how I've come to deal that aspect of
My life.

If you ever want to just converse, I'm always here. I'm online every day,
All day for the most part. We can talk about whatever you want.

 

When I did it, for me, i was already pushed into a corner, I lost my wife, I have seen my daughter 1 time in 4 weeks and she's 10 months old. I had no apartment, I had no place to call my own. I moved in with a colleague. I'm also 8000 miles away from my nearest family member. I had to lose everything, to finally realize that it's time to move on. that if I didn't at least attempt to drop my walls, and let my emotions go, I would still be off track.

This step that you want to take requires a lot of willpower. It's totally okay that you find it difficult. It's totally understandable. That fact that you are thinking about it should be proof to yourself that your walls are trembling. Being afraid to Open up to family and friends is also a normal emotion. You would become vunerable, you may think it makes you weak. You may think you are seen as weak.

These are the things that you have to just not care about. Or try to win your battle in your brain to just blurt it out. Cause once it's out, it's out then you can't really take it back.

now I don't know your family. Or you personally. I'm just going off of what the definition of family is and how they should react to it. This conversation with your mother will be tough. It will be emotionally bearing, your mother might be distraught. The word "addict" is criminalized, and people think the worst. Understand that this is a normal reaction. You have to be the one to explain what exactly an addict is. That it was not in your control that you became and addict for it occurred when you were a child. You developed an animal instinct to cope with stress. if she asks why, well it could be many things, any kind of trauma that you witnessed. Your dog died; your mom and dad fought, your dad punished you, wooden spoon, Being bullied in school. As long as you are organized, and present yourself as clear as possible, your mother will folllow your story. The emotions area normal reaction that comes with it. Cause your her son.

With your father. This projection that you place on him is also normal. Some people who I weren't I close with, I talk to them about this and they were just like, "but it's porn, how could porn be a problem, everyone does it; it's normal." If he reacts like this first; this is also okay! You expected this, now you prepares yourself for this reaction. What you do then is acknowledge his opinion, that for some people it can be, but for me, I have a problem, and it's causing problems in my brain, my emotions, my romantic relationship. Then go into detail about your story..

I'm not so much pushing you to do this. What I am writing here is just to help. I'm always here to help, anyone. I really do however; hope you will succeed. You have to just be ready for it and have the courage. If it doesn't go well. Worst case scenario here, your parents react the complete opposite. Remain calm, take deep breathes, stick to your story and always remember, although they are pissed/shocked/depressed, they will still love you. These emotions will subside, and they will help you.

 

Just know that there unleashing your emotions is okay. You are not the only one. I don't know you, but I want you to know that i do care. That I want the best for you, and that I know there is something inside you that wants to come out. You will find it one day. One day you will be ready, and you will find yourself.

If you ever want to just cry over the keyboard and write me a conversation. By all means.