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SO with a small problem

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Partnerwithasmallissue, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. Partnerwithasmallissue

    Partnerwithasmallissue New Fapstronaut

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    My so and I have been together for a little over 5months now. Were perfect for each other in every way, except for one. In the bedroom we have a few issues. He has a giantess/shrinking fetish. When he first told me I thought it was strange but knew there was far stranger things out there and I told him it didn't change how I feel. The problem is the ONLY way he can get off is with the fetish. When it comes to sex I always have to be on top and in control. He cannot have sex any othwr way because without his fetish being played on he cannot keep an erection. It wouldn't be that bad, but I have never enjoyed being on top. He keeps saying he wants to try more so I'll enjoy it but anytime we try he just cant do it. The only thing that gets him off is his fetish.
    Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough. I can't get him in the mood on my own, the fetish dictates our entire sexual relationship. I love him but I know this will cause issues down the road. We've tried a few things to compromise but then neither of us enjoy it. Sex has almost become more of a chore even though I want it. We don't know what to do or how to make it so we both enjoy it. It usually ends up with his fetish taking the reins and me doing everything he wants. Later I just feel disappointed and fruatrated because I get little to nothing out of it.
    We dont know what to do. I came to this site hoping to find help, we've done everything we can think of and are at a loss.
     
  2. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    Yikes that sounds dismal, so sorry you find yourself in this spot. I don't really have any practical advice on how to get your SO to put your needs on his radar, but I will say this definitely seems like a type of selfishness that likely is stemming from his addiction. If he is willing to recognize his issues and work to change, it could be worth investing in. But honestly, if I were you, at 5 months in, I would cut and run. If he literally doesn't care whether you experience any pleasure during sex, how good of a partner will he be in other areas, in the long term. A 5 month relationship is pretty fresh, why not squash it and try to find someone who you are more sexually compatible with?
     
    PornTSD likes this.
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I think it's time to have a serious and honest discussion about his porn habits and fetishes. An interesting question involves the timing - does his fetish predate when he started looking at porn or did it manifest itself after he started looking at porn.

    Often addicts build up a tolerance to vanilla porn. So they start looking for other genre's of porn that excite them. Sometimes it's a random theme that they find exciting. Sometimes it's related to emotional issues that lie beneath the surface. Issues surrounding power, pleasure, permission, self-worth, or abuse can manifest itself in the fetishes an addict forms.

    Over time an addict will become desensitized to normal, real life sex. The simultaneously become hyper-sensitized to their fetish. Many times problems concerning fetishes go away after an addict stops watching porn and their brain goes back to a normal, balanced, and calm state. It is not your fault nor is it something you are responsible to fix. His arousal problems are not because you are lacking in any way. These problems are only going to escalate without him addressing the problem and it's you are going to become increasingly resentful. He's holding on to some serious secrets and it's time for him to come clean or it's time for you to move on.
     
  4. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately, fetishes have a way of taking over our minds. The brain becomes wired to want something a certain way and it controls us. The good news is that he can overcome this. It will take a lot of hard work and patience. If this is something he wants to change, then I recommend he do a hard reboot with no fetishist, no PMO. I would recommend 30 to 40 days no sex. Cuddling is ok and being close. Then I would start out with Karezza which is gentle sex that focuses more on connection. Over time his brain will heal and things should turn back to normal. I believe there is a link to Karezza in my signature. If not go to my wife's journal and a link will be there. I hope this helps. Stay strong!
     
  5. Partnerwithasmallissue

    Partnerwithasmallissue New Fapstronaut

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    It's not that he doesn't want to. He is really upset that I don't really enjoy it. We just dont know how to fix it to where he is physically able to do things that don't fuel his fetish. He can't keep an erection unless I'm in complete control and his fetish is being played on. As I said we're perfect in every other way and I really don't want to find anyone else. I would rather try and fix it before even thinking about it.
     
  6. PornTSD

    PornTSD Fapstronaut

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    Beware of that "perfect in every way" feeling. Could be more of a human magnet syndrome than healthy connection. Does he have a history of being sexually abused? Has he ever had a fulfilling sex life outside of this fetish? Also, sexual incompatibility and PMO addiction are not "a small issue." I think some self reflection about how you know someone is perfect for you after only 5 months would go a long way in determining how to proceed in this relationship.
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  7. over_ITT

    over_ITT Guest

    It sounds like you're sexually incompatible. That's a big deal. The newness of your relationship should have diverted his fetish at least in this honeymoon. I like the expression "It's what comes after the 'but' that counts." You're perfect in every way, but (...) That's a big 'but.' Troubles are not down the road, the are in your face. Look out for number 1 because short of hypnotherapy which is expensive and has dubious efficacy, you're stuck with a big old fetish in your bed and compromising all your pleasure for it. Would it be a terrible thing to hang on to a friendship? It's wonderful he could confess this fetish to you, but truly both parties need to share a fetish or at least have overlapping and compatible fetishes to have satisying lovemaking.
     
    fuzzywaz likes this.
  8. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I do not agree with this. The question, as @i_wanna_get_better1 mentioned, is: did he develop this fetish as his porn use escalated or has he always had it? It's a popular belief right now that we should embrace our fetishes and constant search for novelty. But not if they are making us miserable. A man who cannot have sex with a loving SO unless his fetish, which demeans and upsets his partner, is not in a healthy situation.
    http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/why-did-my-porn-use-escalate

    @Partnerwithasmallissue, if he wakes up and is willing to do the work he can heal his sexual dysfunction. In the meantime, please take care of you. I recommend individual counseling for yourself. Here is a list of resources I complied. https://www.NoFap.com/forum/index.p...-for-significant-others-of-pmo-addicts.78584/
     

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