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New to NoFap, online erotic roleplay addict

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by masterasia6, Feb 23, 2017.

  1. masterasia6

    masterasia6 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Everyone,

    I joined this community today because I've been experiencing ED with my fiance throughout our relationship. However, only recently did it begin to truly become a hindrance to our sex life. I believe this is because I relapsed on my old habit of engaging in online erotic roleplay.

    For about eight years of my life, from age 19 to 27, I avoided relationships. I did this for a number of reasons--I've always had underlying social anxiety and irritable bowel syndrome, which made dating difficult, but it got even worse when my parents got divorced while I was in college. Throughout highschool, I enjoyed porn--pretty tame stuff, looking back at it. But one day in college, I discovered online erotic roleplay. I've always been an avid reader and writer, and online roleplay let me enjoy all of that with the added fun of sexual liberation that let me explore things which I was convinced I couldn't do in real life due to my irritable bowel syndrome.

    So for years, I avoided relationships, sometimes spending hours a day writing smut. Eventually the writing itself grew dull, and my writing partners and I weaved images and GIFs into our writing to enhance the experience. At the height of my addiction, I would often come home from work and immediately go to my computer, boot up, and search for a partner to write with, spending 8 hours or more and sacrificing sleep to write porn. Weekends were even worse. If I hadn't made plans with friends, I might spend my entire Saturday and Sunday on these sites, seeking partners to share increasingly intense storytelling experiences with. I think my record was a solid 12 hour masturbation marathon coupled with writing and pornography viewing. The entire time, I knew what I was doing was...not ideal, but it seemed like all I could do. My IBS made dating embarrassing and difficult, and besides, I thought I was getting everything I needed from this replacement.

    Naturally, my appetite for fetish experiences grew over the years, too. I started off with fairly vanilla stories. I hit rock bottom after writing stories involving transformation, monsters, breeding, rape, sex robots, transwomen, gangbangs, and more. Physical proportions were massively exaggerated, and 'realistic' porn bored me. Every time I thought I had found the limits of what I could enjoy, I would eventually come upon some new, novel idea I hadn't tried yet--and found I could enjoy it for the novelty and excitement it brought to my stories. They grew more and more depraved until I suffered a panic attack from guilt and shame at work one day.

    I've been on the road to recovery ever since I met my fiance. She has been unbelievable supportive and understanding. Not long after we started dating, I gave up porn and ERP because I wanted to focus on my relationship with her--but I figured I would come back to it later in life, when I had time. I didn't think I had an addiction. I thought ERP was something I could enjoy in moderation again someday.

    This was corroborated by my therapist, who did not see this problem as an addiction. She told me that, if I wanted, I could balance my enjoyment for ERP with my love life. I didn't believe her at first, and that was for the best. I spent several months abstaining from ERP and porn, and I could enjoy sex with my fiance. However, eventually I began to humor thoughts about returning to ERP, having now developed the confidence in my ability to control the time I spend on it and not neglect my fiance. This much I can do--time management is not a problem for me anymore. But shortly after I began ERP again(about three weeks ago), I found it getting more and more difficult to hold an erection during sex. Sometimes I would get soft before finishing, and sometimes I couldn't get hard at all. As soon as I began to be physical with my partner, it was like my brain immediately began to crave self-stimulation more than the sex. Having experienced regular 8-hour masturbation marathons, during which my brain was completely indulged in sexual fantasy, I just couldn't find our 'normal' sex life stimulating anymore. In addition to it feeling 'weak' compared to the visceral fantasies I enjoyed before, it felt alien for me to be at the center of sex. I was so used to being an observer and storyteller that being in the action was suddenly a nerve-wracking change. I still wanted to have sex, but at the same time, I didn't. I could feel my love for my fiance, and I wanted to indulge in passion with her, but how could our physical lovemaking ever compare to the super-normal stimulation I was used to from my stories? The conflict in my head left me feeling anxious, and I couldn't even begin to get hard.

    When I recognized this feeling, I knew I had a problem. That's when I began to look up porn addiction, and found NoFap. Having now read about other men with PIED, I suddenly feel like all of my problems make sense. At first, I had worried my ED might mean that I was gay or transgendered (a lot of my writing was from the POV of female characters.) I was worried that there was no way to enjoy healthy, loving sex again. But as of Monday, I began my first committed 'reboot', and I'm intent on sticking with it now. I'm hoping a 1-month reboot is all I'll need to be able to enjoy normal sex again, but I think I'll feel when I'm ready. Currently I'm flatlining, but I can already feel that fading.

    For the first time in years, I feel like I understand myself and what I want. I have direction. But I know that it might get harder in the future. My fiance enjoys porn, and part of our connection came from our mutual enjoyment of it. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to incorporate that into our sex life again. I'm hoping she can learn to enjoy living without it. Right now I'm confused as to what 'healthy' sexuality with my fiance can include. We've enjoyed sexual roleplay in the past--is that something I should now avoid, since it's similar to my ERP addiction?

    Are there any other users on this site that have been addicted to ERP instead of traditional porn viewing? I'm hoping to connect with someone and see how their recovery may have been different or more difficult than other porn addicts.

    Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope I can someday help prevent people from falling into the same trap that I did.
     
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you.

    What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
     
  3. masterasia6

    masterasia6 Fapstronaut

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    Well, I'm putting down the pen, so to speak. I have no intention of engaging in ERP anytime again in the future. I don't plan to look at porn, either. My fiance is going to hold me accountable, and I'm hoping to find an AP here that might help me with the process too.
     
  4. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

  5. Hey there, and welcome to NoFap. Thank you for reaching out to me via private message, I certainly would have missed your journal otherwise. We share quite a lot, I was hooked on eRP for a decade as well; it's a devious thing, that's for sure. While it started for me as a P-sub initially, it soon got more interesting for me than regular P, and I can relate to you when you say that regular P became bland in comparison to eRP.
    There were some differences though. I rarely ever MOed while writing, I always MOed later, recalling the stories I wrote. Also, writing never really grew dull for me, and I didn't escalate into novelty as much, I rather tried to find better writing partners and came up with more ambitious and complex plots, more towards creative writing. I can't really say that this made it any easier for me though. My writing improved, and with that, it became easier to find new writing partners. I rapidly made new friends, and I grew dangerously close to some of them over time. With very few writing partners, I experienced what I can only describe as a frenzy. Even with little or no smut involved, having a compatible partner that both challenged and excited me with her writing let me forget about everything, making me completely neglect my real life as long as it lasted. It took me the better part of a month to wrap my head around that. During the first weeks of my reboot, I still saw the positive aspects of writing a story with others. I'm not a native speaker, and so I saw the positive aspect of having improved my English skills substantially. Also, co-writing a story with somebody was something I simply couldn't see as a bad thing. Arguably, it really isn't, but the whole context of where it happened rendered the whole experience toxic. If it had happened anywhere else, it would be a wonderful thing. I actually tried writing a decidedly non-smut story with someone from the forum a few months ago, and I was able to experience similar excitement.
    Don't get me wrong, I don't have any moral or religious reservations about P or erotica. I don't hate or despise P or smut stories, I hate how P affected me, how it completely messed up my brain. Even now, after 300+ days of abstaining from all P or P-subs and only a handful of O during that time, the decades of P and eRP consumption still prevent me from having a "normal" sex life.
    Cling tightly to your resolution to drop your pen for good! Your brain is in no way capable of dealing with the occasional eRP, you're addicted to eRP just as most others on this forum (including you) are addicted to P. You have to actively try to suppress any lingering thoughts about it as well, you might want to take a look at this thread on fantasy.
    This is all or nothing. Before I reached rock bottom, before I joined NoFap, I tried to quit eRP countless times, locking myself out of my accounts, only to find myself creating a new account, contacting my well-know acquaintances again after a few days or weeks. Make it count this time, burn all bridges to your old eRP life. Don't allow yourself to feel sorry for your favorite writing partners, now that you left them. This is about you, not about them. Never ever look back, don't allow yourself to feel sentimental about the "good times". eRP destroyed your life, it's simple as that, and you have to decide if you want to take the chance of living a fulfilled life, or rather fall back into old habits.
    Consider doing a longer hard-mode reboot. It took me significantly longer than 30 days to learn how to deal with P or P-sub flashbacks, as described in my journal. Even now it usually takes 30-40 days before I can completely rid myself of any unwanted, O induced side effects like irritability or brain fog. Take a look at FANOS and Karezza. Start with FANOS right away, but leave Karezza for much later, so you don't jeopardize your reboot.
    Take good care of your fiance, and be completely honest with her. Be wary that she may be addicted to P as well, encourage her to read your journal and learn about your addiction. Again, I don't condemn P, if she's able to enjoy P without being addicted, everything is fine. But during my journey to recovery, I realized that P has affected me in a way I had never ever deemed possible. At the same time, my relationship without P turned into something so wonderful that I have difficulties imagining healthy relationships with one or both partners consuming P, so please take my ramblings with the recommended grain of salt.
    Obsess on the reboot, just like you obsessed over writing an exciting smut story previously. I certainly substituted the social aspect of eRP with the NoFap subreddit, later with this forum. You are an avid writer just like me, put your writing skills to good use on here. Even though I only occasionally write on this forum recently, never hesitate to ask me anything.
    Make the right decision, choose your life, not the addiction. I could do it, you can do it as well!
    Stay strong and keep us updated, we're all in this together!

    Change
     
  6. masterasia6

    masterasia6 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Change, and thanks for sharing your advice with me. I'm glad to know that someone else has dealt with something similar to me. I think it's very true that ERP is a different beast then regular pornography: similar, but not the same thing. Regular PMO addicts face a greater sense of isolation, which I think ERP spares you because of the community present in the forum. However, I think ERP addiction can cause far more trouble for one's identity and imagination. At least, that has been my primary problem since rebooting.

    I read over the thread on fantasy--thank you so much for sharing. I think that is something that I can work on. I was devestated when I realized my problem, because fantasizing has historically been one of my favorite activities. But now it's been tied to ERP and MO, and I cant' indulge like I used to. But I think it's for the best. I'm living in the real world, my mind might as well be here rather than in some fantasy world.

    My fiance understands my situation, and is actually very supportive. She recognizes that what I'm doing is good for myself. She's also giving up PMO while I'm on it, so I'm looking forward to our enjoyment together once the reboot is over. ^_^ We will try FANOS this week, I think it will be nice.

    Thank you for your encouragement. I really can't say how glad I am to hear from someone in the same boat. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I rebooted and I already feel much better than before. I feel real excitement when I hug my fiance, I feel more focused in my daily life, and I'm actually looking forward to doing things I enjoy. Before I quit, I didn't seem to care about anything. The only thing I felt was this backgroudn anxiety that followed me like a cloud of flies. I realized it was because all I ever looked forward to was my next PMO session. Everything in life was just killing time until I could do that again. Now, with that no longer considered an option, I have time to do anything I want. Real things that I enjoy. It's amazing.
     
    ChangeMattersToMe likes this.
  7. Raymondo84

    Raymondo84 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your sharing your accounts. For so long I thought I was alone with this struggle too but it feels good to know I am now alone too. I have attempted multiple times to quite this behaviour and for the last 3 days I haven't engaged. I worry that I will return to it as I am single and alone and also suffer from social anxiety but I am trying hard to spend time outdoors and among people. You can read my account here: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...e-cyber-sex-roleplay-struggles-anyone.333799/

    Fight the good fight!
    x
     

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