Seperation/Divorce Tips and Suggestions?

Being new to this site and just reading the forums your story has inspired me to make my first post.
I am in a similar situation, though earlier in the process. I found this site after introspectively trying to figure out some of my behavior patterns that were not beneficial to the marriage. Your post gives me hope that there is possible happiness ahead and that this site is a tool for improving more than just certain aspects of your life and behavioral patterns. Thank you for sharing your story to the public. One day I hope to be able to share my life as a learning experience to assist others with their journey.

Edit: I don't have the hang of the quote thing yet apparently.

 

Welcome!

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. Thank you for coming and posting. I encourage you to continue to share, and discuss.

 

My ex and I divorced 10 years ago and leaving him was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Your daughter must be your priority, and fortunately, what's good for her in this process is also good for you and your wife. I was so worried about my boys (ages 4 and 7 at the time) and how they would fare. At the time I was working with refugees from South Sudan and kept reminding myself, if they can get through what they have been through, my boys are going to be fine. From my own experience, my advice to you would be:

• Do 50/50 custody unless there's a compelling reason (abuse, neglect, etc.) not to.
• Never ever ever say anything bad about your ex to your daughter. This will hurt her more than anyone, and in my view is the most toxic thing you can do to a child in a divorce. If you're questioning if you should say it, bite your tongue and take some time to reassess.
• Depending on her age, tell her what you can in a neutral way. My boys were pretty young, so I told them that after time their dad and I realized how different we were and that we saw the world in very different ways. I told them that this was not unusual, and it didn't mean either of us was right or either of us was wrong. I also told them that as they got older, our split would make more sense to them. (This proved to be true. My kids now say to me they can't believe their father and I were ever together because we're so different. We laugh about it now.)
• Remind her all the time that this has absolutely nothing to do with her and that she was born out of love.
• Tell your daughter that she can ask you any questions she wants about what is happening and that you will do your best to answer. And, remind her regularly of that space, just like you remind her to eat her vegetables or wash her hands. Again, depending on her age, explain to her that the older she gets, the more she will understand and that will bring up new questions. She never has to feel like there is an end to the conversation. (My 14 yr old just asked me if, when his stepmom and I are at his sporting events, we talk to each other. The conversation doesn't stop, it just evolves.)
• People can use their pain to manipulate and get what they want. This is one of the trickiest things in dealing with the partner you are leaving. You don't want to hurt them, but you need to take care of yourself as best you can. Don't do anything deliberate to cause your ex pain, obviously, but know that while taking care of yourself might be painful for her, that is the reality of splitting up. Each person needs to do their own work and find their own place in the new reality they are navigating. Taking off your ring might be the first step in facing that brutal reality.

And, if it brings you any consolation, 10 years later my boys are doing really well. They get really good grades; are respectful and kind to others; don't drink or do drugs; and most importantly, are happy and have close relationships with both their father and me. Divorce is an incredibly painful process. While I was going through it, a friend of mine used the analogy of a river: You're standing on the bank, looking at the cold, rushing water, thinking it looks like hell to get in there. But, knowing you have to get to the other side, you force yourself in and practically drown in the turbulence and discomfort. Maybe you find some rocks along the way that help you stay afloat, or give you temporary peace and warmth, but you still have to get to the other side. You let go of those rocks and return to the drowning and discomfort and finally grab ahold of the other bank. Slowly, you drag yourself through the mud and up the other side. You're battered and bruised, filthy and freezing, and don't feel safe, but as you lie there on the other shore, you feel the ground underneath you, which brings you some relief, and you start to see that peace on this side might be possible.

 

I'm glad to hear things seem to be going healthy.

(I have no advice on the kids.... but I will offer where I am. Feel free to comment, as I enjoy this conversation, and as I don't want this to seem like I'm hijacking this thread to be about me).


I have no idea if it's true or not, but I placed a high degree of importance on 'continuity' for my kids. I kept the house, and working hard (at my career detriment) to stay here and keep roots, so that they can keep in the same school, with the same friends, and their environment remains more or less the same. Still, it's hard to know how effective this is. They are teen boys and hiding well what they feel. In some cases, I think it doesn't really phase them. But I try to encourage them to realize that their mom is always available (I would never bar or deny them to her). I haven't constantly reminded them that they can ask questions, perhaps I should do that from @PornTSD advice. (I have at certain places asked them if they had any issues, or things that needed taken care of). I've been told that as teen boys that they would have likely adapted well if I had to pull up and move off, that its our bonding together that is most important. I don't know if I believe that or not).

I hope, and place my faith in they can see for themselves what I am or not, and emotionally it probably connects with them that they get to keep going in life as they were (continuity). I think they still internalize some idea of being less (or shame). They have said they feel bad that I got 'the short end of the stick', where I have to take care of everything. And while I've not had any conversation that were negative against their mom, my friends have given me reports that they believe 'mom' isn't a good person. I have reminded them that I got the best parts of the deal as I get the most time with them, and that they shouldn't worry about me, and that I had a lot to learn to being a good dad (and this gave me a chance to do so). I have no idea what is driving the perception of mom isn't 'good', but I hope it is a fair critique of her and born of actual experience, and not because of any negative talk that has leaked. (I have strongly asked all my friends to keep any conversation about her history of infidelity to just me (and never in the presence of the kids). I have also tried even in my most tense moments, to take the conversation outside, downstairs, or anywhere outside earshot of the kids, but I know that it's possible some of that has leaked. I also keep my self talk censored and try to refrain from hateful or angry descriptions of her. No matter what, I remind myself, "that is the mother of my children, and denigration of her is denigration of them.". I also remind myself, that letting pain and anger from the past dominate me in the present, only casts possible unfair harm to my current/future relationships) My Friends both men and women, do keep checking up with my kids.

They will soon be spending their first extended time alone with their Mom since the separation this spring break and summer break. I do have doubts they might be impressionable, and that it might swing their ideas of what Dad is or not. But I do believe in karma, and that I should do nothing 'to win' them. I believe they should be allowed to make their own observations, even if Mom might be a manipulative person. I do believe she will be fair, and I don't believe she will set out to create any negative image of me (as she also believes this harms the kids). But I know she has great capability for self delusions, and a need to feed her ego as a 'strong and providing' person. I've seen her spin the story to the confusion of my God-Daughter (who is somewhat following in my ex's footsteps, but I think no longer fully believes my ex story). Still, I think my boys will realize that because I don't manipulate them, that the balance isn't the same, and that it will encourage them to intuit their own truth.

Even despite this conversation, I don't really worry about it. The outcome is the same, no matter the past. I don't need soldiers in the faith of my honor. I only need freedom to create a new better life, and I don't need them indoctrinated to love them in that life. My flaws are obvious, and to some degree persistent. Attempts to elevate myself above her, would do nothing to address my being.

From the outside, people say they believe I'm one of the best dads. I don't know that outside people would ever be qualified to make that opinion, and I don't believe I'm anywhere near best, or possibly good. I do love my children, and I want them to do well in life. More than that, I have no idea, other than just being there when they need me. (I do wish I knew how to connect more to them, and be more engaged in their interests. But I figure if I build a healthy life for myself, with activity with friends, it's the best template for them, no matter 'how much we talk' each day.)