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Partial commitment to 30 days

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PornTSD, Feb 22, 2017.

  1. PornTSD

    PornTSD Fapstronaut

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    Hi all,
    My partner and I have been struggling with our disagreement over his compulsive P viewing for the past 3 months, and last week after we got into a massive fight, he committed to a 30 day no porn challenge. When I asked him what that meant, he said he wasn't going to look at any people f***ing. He has told me that he looks at soft porn (images of nude or scantily clad women) every other day or so, for various lengths of time, and wasn't giving that up for this challenge. (Side note, he told me in December he was going to quit looking at the soft stuff but not the hard stuff, but all he did was quit looking at it at work.) I didn't challenge him on that front because he has been so vehemently defensive of his PMOing, but I am worried he's just going to use the soft stuff as a sub for the hard stuff, not feel any different, and use that as proof he doesn't have an issue. My question is, will he notice anything different if he just cuts out the hard stuff and subs it with the soft stuff? Thanks.
     
  2. IGY

    IGY Guest

    This is bullshit! The challenge is recovery from porn via total abstinence. He is rationalizing his behaviour, thereby giving him permission to continue using porn. He will make no progress with this approach. The addiction is related to the over stimulation of the brain's reward centre with fake sex - visual cues and mimicking intercourse by masturbation. He is still in denial.
     
  3. PornTSD

    PornTSD Fapstronaut

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    @IGY, yup. I'm just hoping maybe this could be a first step for him to start understanding his behavior. Honestly, any step forward would be a victory at this point. I was gentle with him for 3 months, and finally lost my cool a week ago. I feel like he's wondering if there's an issue because he's taking on this challenge for himself (I've asked him to stop entirely, but the 30 day thing was his idea). But I'm worried bc of the soft porn sub he's going to deceive himself. Nothing I can do about it, I know, but I was curious if anyone has had experience with starting with a partial fast and then realizing they needed to dig deeper.
     
  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Addicts are famous for finding 'compromises' when it comes to recovery. Often they want to do it alone and in secret and that often fails. Maybe in his mind he is trying to do a gradual reduction method which doesn't work for porn as it does for nicotine or caffeine. Here's an article addressing this question.

    Some addicts need to try things their way before they will try your way. It is a defense mechanism. They are terrified of giving up a behavior that keeps them afloat in life. It's a scary thing to give up something that makes you feel good. The illness is tricking him into thinking that he needs it or he will die. They do not trust that they can survive without it. But eventually they MUST give it all up in order to live a healthier life.

    To answer your question he will probably NOT feel any better by cutting back. He is still triggering the same brain chemicals. In fact, the lower stimulating images will probably feel stale and boring to him and he will need to escalate in order to get that same medicated feeling. He could also be using those soft core images to fuel an internal fantasy world that he is cultivating.

    It's an experiment that is doomed to fail. But at least you are prepared for this failure and won't get your hopes up too much. Recovery isn't easy and there is no short cuts. Eventually he needs to realize it.
     
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  5. PornTSD

    PornTSD Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. I agree. It's like an alcoholic saying they're just going to quit the hard stuff--it ain't going to work.
     
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  6. PornTSD

    PornTSD Fapstronaut

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    That article was very helpful, thanks. Makes me wonder if that's why he doesn't like me using my hand and only wants me to use my mouth. He's not limber enough to pull that off on his own! Oy.
     
  7. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly!

    If he is unable to stay present during sex then you need to stop indulging him. He may be using you as a masturbatory tool. He may be fantasizing about other women or scenes he's seen in moves. Addicts often try to overlap their fantasy world with the real world. Addicts with ED need these images in order to stay aroused. Beware that he is not objectifying you. Unhealthy sex attitudes can include: I am going to do this to you, I am going to take this from you, I am going to use you, sex needs to be acrobatic, sex needs to look like porn, I need sex all the time, I need you to be available all the time.

    Abstinence alone is not enough to heal an addicted mind. It crawls into every corner of the brain and infects everything we do, everything we think, and everything we feel. It is more than a bad habit that needs to stop. It requires a complete mental makeover.
     
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  8. PornTSD

    PornTSD Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, he does talk about what he wants to do to me, and more often sex feels like f***ing rather than making love. (But, I'll take it. My drive is higher than his.) The biggest red flag was that he always keeps his eyes closed. I have been told I'm 3 inches short of being a runway model, so it's not like I'm hard to look at. Sure, I'm in my 40s now, but in great shape. Not that that matters, I do know it's not about me. But, it sure as hell feels like it is sometimes. I've never experienced that before. Usually it's the opposite. I even bought lingerie twice and he barely gave it a glance. What a waste of money! Those all seem to be signs of addiction, no?
     
  9. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Here's an article on why do addicts prefer porn more exciting than being with a partner. Basically, an addict's brain becomes desensitized to normal stimuli. Simultaneously, the brain becomes sensitized only to hyper-sexual images. And even those images becomes stale as an addict builds up a tolerance. Therefore they need to escalate and use porn more frequently, discovery more hardcore forms of porn, or try to act out in real life. It is a downward spiral that leads only to misery and disappointment. But an addict believes that somewhere at the bottom of that septic tank lies happiness.

    No woman can compete with the biological changes going on in an addict's brain. You are competing against a very narrow range of what stimulates him today... which might be different tomorrow. Even if a real life porn star were to appear in his arms he will still feel empty inside when he was done. Addicts are forever chasing a phantom feeling of nirvana that barely exists while in the trance while watching porn and does not exist in the real world.

    If we saw a cat chase an imaginary mouse we would call that cat crazy. We wouldn't internalize the cat's craziness. But wives/girlfriends do internalize the pain when a crazy, mentally ill husband/boyfriend seeks out porn over real life companionship. I don't say this to minimize your pain. But if you step back you can see addicts are emotionally out of control and sinking fast. The problem is their fault, their responsibility, and not because you are in any way inferior. You hurt because you care and because they have injured you. You just have to put them at arms length and view them objectively until they can get control of their lives and hope they don't tear you down before that happens. It's the only way to prevent yourself from being hurt more.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2017
    Deleted Account and PornTSD like this.
  10. PornTSD

    PornTSD Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, @i_wanna_get_better1. I appreciate your input. I do care, and right now he feels that as judgment. What you said helps me feel like I have control over myself, and in the end, that's what matters. We agreed yesterday not to talk for 3 weeks. Who knows how he'll show up when that's over.
     

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